When I first read “He Did It!” and as much as I could about the Ukraine “special operation,” I lived and moved and had my being with a smile, sometimes an overwhelming joy, sometimes a radiant gratitude. Undeniably, I am dismayed at the perpetual, senseless and atrocious loss of innocent lives – yet again -- and again -- and again. But I am not pre-occupied with the ‘phenomenon-al’ political/economic consequences of this event although it seems they too may be devastating.
My quiet sense of gratitude comes from being uplifted by witnessing action that has integrity and is issue-oriented, founded on principles, enacted non-personally, based on facts, and response-able. It is as if qualities on which I’ve pinned my continued existence have come out of the woodwork and displayed themselves …….. qualities such as Good, Truth, Justice, Assurance, Peace, Humor, Joy, Intelligence and Compassion ………. divine qualities I know exist, although they are so rare sometimes they seem virtually inconceivable.
That was Phase 1 of my response to current events. More recently, this quiet sadness and joy was replaced by some insights. And to paraphase Huxley, before the truth can set you free it might elicit some strong emotions if it doesn’t simply crush you.
The machinations on the world stage have become increasingly transparent since 911, but the clever machinations of the petty tyrants in my own little life have become increasingly transparent too, and their ‘jabbed’ behaviors have escalated.
In a way, my own life could be considered a microcosm of Ukraine – I am personally over-run by nazis, used and abused, debased, shot down, my natural resources shredded or co-opted for others’ financial gain, landmines planted on my path. The methodology of this malice includes gas-lighting, blackmail, extortion, intimidation, seduction and provocation. The objective of these people is annihilation.
One might think these are overblown words for the bunch of nobodies that constitute my “inner circle” of family, friends, associates. Maybe. Yet, while a big enough lever could move the world, a little lever can still pry the lid off a jar of pickles. They are both levers, despite the difference in their scope. And malice is malice, despite its import and whether its reach is local or cosmic.
How did I get in this mess? Granted, there are some ancestral, contextual and macrocosmic influences; but what about the micro-situations that I invited or condoned and for which I am myself completely responsible?
I’ve identified several, but will speak of just one: I have been facilely indoctrinated into being “a NICE PERSON,” to hide behind a habit of being a “good” child/sibling/spouse, subservient to others’ demands and whims, “overlooking” the transgressions of the ignorant, “being kind” to people whose foundations are built on petty meanness, rivalry and malice. I saw but tolerated; did nothing; and, through non-action, I got the government I deserve – internally, microcosmically, and macrocosmically.
I have sat these past days somewhat immobilized, somewhat in shock, consciously recognizing and regretting that my recent predicaments are the result of my own inaction – not addressing issues and re-orienting eons ago. “Nice” should have been eviscerated by now -- it is pitiable, destructive, suicidal. Matthew 10 KJV states, “I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother……… And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household." How many times have I read this verse, and not thought it through.
I realize that the maneuvers of petty tyrants are successful when the target is lazy – glibly observing and intellectualizing, but not doing the hard internal work; and for decades of familial abuse to end, “I” must end. So I sit here, watching my self-concept and identity get crushed and fall like a shattered mirror to the ground, trying hard NOT to salvage a few shards that might give me a false sense of security – trying hard NOT to play the Stockholm Syndrome game and go back to embracing what facilitates my imprisonment. And I wonder, if and when the mirror is pulverized, what will remain of or replace this “nice person”? What will guide my behavior? What will speak my voice? What will move my feet and in what direction? I am momentarily a nation with no governance.
While I doubt this experience of “identity-shattering” even scratches the surface of “soul smashing” (a concept that was discussed earlier in this thread) it gives me a hint about what “soul-smashing” might entail when such day of reckoning occurs. I imagine total obliteration by implosion when one’s grandiose but bogus self-concepts, invalid self-serving beliefs, and the fake materialistic structure of EVERYTHING that “seems to be” are exposed as ludicrous, laughable delusions in the Light/context of What Really Is. Something to look forward to, I am sure.
Meanwhile, I have the vacuum of my own current existence to navigate, with a grateful bow of the head to Putin. In my own personal “special operation” of ‘denazification’ and ‘demilitarization,’ watching these unusual, respectable, so intelligent and compassionate traits in action fortify me. The man is making me strong. “The Game is Over" ……. I pray so.
