I think you should also consider your statement that you "hate it here" (more or less). There's a big difference between no longer "fitting" and "Hating the environment" in which you were planted to grow. I think you should always keep this in mind:
"Life is religion. Life experiences reflect how one interacts with God. Those who are asleep are those of little faith in terms of their interaction with the creation.
Some people think that the world exists for them to overcome or ignore or shut out. For those individuals, the worlds will cease. They will become exactly what they give to life. They will become merely a dream in the "past." People who pay strict attention to objective reality right and left, become the reality of the "Future." "
It really is like walking a razor's edge to "enjoy the show" and to NOT get pulled into the craziness.
Castaneda made a remark that the warriors of the Conquest, in pitting themselves against the petty tyrants, did it partly for "enjoyment", that they "enjoyed themselves blue". I think that's the attitude we need to strive for. It's a question of Stalking. Below, I'm snagging some things from The Wave:
On the path of knowledge there are four steps. The first step is the decision to become apprentices. After the apprentices change their views about themselves and the world they take the second step and become warriors, which is to say, beings capable of the utmost discipline and control over themselves. The third step, after acquiring forbearance and timing, is to become men of knowledge. When men of knowledge learn to see they have taken the fourth step and have become seers.
Control and discipline refer to an inner state. A warrior is self-oriented, not in a selfish way but in the sense of a total examination of the self. Forbearance and timing are not quite an inner state. They are in the domain of the man of knowledge. The idea of using a petty tyrant is not only for perfecting the warrior’s spirit, but also for enjoyment and happiness. Even the worst tyrants can bring delight, provided, of course, that one is a warrior. […]
What usually exhausts us is the wear and tear on our self-importance. Any man who has an iota of pride is ripped apart by being made to feel worthless. To tune the spirit when someone is trampling on you is called control. Instead of feeling sorry for himself a warrior immediately goes to work mapping the petty tyrant’s strong points, his weaknesses, his quirks of behavior. To gather all this information while they are beating you up is called discipline. A perfect petty tyrant has no redeeming feature.
Forbearance is to wait patiently – no rush, no anxiety – a simple, joyful holding back of what is due. A warrior knows that he is waiting and what he is waiting for. Right there is the great joy of warriorship. Timing is the quality that governs the release of all that is held back. Control, discipline, and forbearance are like a dam behind which everything is pooled. Timing is the gate in the dam.
Forbearance means holding back with the spirit something that the warrior knows is rightfully due. It doesn’t mean that a warrior goes around plotting to do anybody mischief, or planning to settle past scores. Forbearance is something independent. As long as the warrior has control, discipline, and timing, forbearance assures giving whatever is due to whoever deserves it. (Castaneda: The Fire From Within)
Don Juan has explained what he called a “three-phase progression.” This is the mode of approach to becoming a warrior who is
free. This three-step program consists of:
1. Holding your own in facing petty tyrants.
2. Facing the unknown with courage.
3. Standing in the presence of the unknowable.
“The average man’s reaction is to think that the order … should be reversed,” he went on. “A seer who can hold his own in the face of the unknown can certainly face petty tyrants. But that’s not so. What destroyed the superb seers of ancient times was that assumption. We know better now. We know that nothing can temper the spirit of a warrior as much as the challenge of dealing with impossible people in positions of power. Only under those conditions can warriors acquire the sobriety and serenity to stand the pressure of the unknowable.”
“The seers of [the Conquest] couldn’t have found a better ground. The Spaniards were the petty tyrants who tested the seers’ skills to the limit; after dealing with the conquerors, the seers were capable of facing anything. They were the lucky ones. At that time there were petty tyrants everywhere.”
When don Juan wrote about his own experience with the petty tyrant, and how the maneuver was directed by his benefactor, he made some rather amazing remarks:
“I’m sure that I could have done it myself, although I have always doubted that I would have carried it off with flair and joyfulness. My benefactor was simply enjoying the encounter by directing it. The idea of using a petty tyrant is not only for perfecting the warrior’s spirit, but also for enjoyment and happiness.”
“How could anyone enjoy the monster you described?”
“He was nothing in comparison to the real monsters that the new seers faced during the Conquest. By all indications those seers enjoyed themselves blue dealing with them. They proved that even the worst tyrants can bring delight, provided, of course, that one is a warrior.”
Especially the part about building your receiver with application of knowledge. And I've never really been interested in my ancestry, thinking it was just boring stuff about people in the past. But if we're connected by the information field and the receivers in our DNA, then that is something to look into. I think I should sing more too, if only for self expression and the vagal benefits. Thanks again.