Thank you to all of you who shared this kind of similar overall feelings and emotions ... as Konstantnit said, it helps a lot to know that it is not kind of isolated depression manifestation ... On the other side I want to share that my feelings of "been wrong and reason for all the troubles", was on a way part of a wake up call, and sharpening of my awareness of other things, as i did many things wrong, and facing that painful reality helped me a lot.
Thanks to getting more knowledge i am able to see it now, and sure it makes me feel sad, to realize that all this years i was living in blind ignorance, and that all the "products" of my programed life in illusion, are wrong ... i fleet even for my kids at one point, how irresponsible i was to think that it is great idea to bring them to this ugly world with a man that i didn't relay know, but was just projecting my wishes of who i wanted him to be ... but than, a turn happened, and day by day i realize how all the aspects of life are actually beautiful experience and lesson, and i literary feel that enjoyment is in learning process not in any outputs, or products or what so ever ... process is a key, and to keep process of learning going and to grow is the real meaning of this life ... as soon as i realized my wrong doings, i just first of all decided to stop all personal relations and intimate partnership, that was not built on foundations of real Love. After that cut i did, it felt like infuse of extra energy and peace came into me, and things started to sort out almost in real time as i was thinking about them, with best possible final outputs. It was beyond telepathic experiences, it was, and still is, almost instantaneous ... if i don't feel comfortable with something, either work i am planed to do, either personal contact with person that i don't really want to get involved with, but have troubles to express it openly, i was just opening my heart to the universe to help me get out of that situation, on a less painful way for both sides, and the other day person will cancel the meeting, or some bigger issues will show up to divert work i didn't feel comfortable to do ... etc ... at one point i felt scary about that, as you know, you can get into crazy ideas of your "power", and once that ideas start to grow in my mind, i just do a prayer to be humble and thankful for the ability to open my heart and gut feelings without intention to manipulate them, but just with wish to get protected form bad doings from my side, and so far i hope i am fine with that, and that i am not doing anything i am not fully aware of.
As about attacks, as more as i am getting "peaceful", more i am getting aware that i am on danger to get attacked again, either through other people, or through direct attack through me. And for people so far, i am now able to recognize it, coming through the people i know for long time, but through new ones, i am not that sure if i am able to recognize it, so i stay away now at the distance from them, instead of rushing to open up to them as i used before, and that is really good, i can tel :)
Also 2 nights ago, just before i fall a sleep, i had some wired feeling that i am gonna be "taken away" in my sleep to visit some strange place .. i thought that it was my imagination, but feeling of presence of some strange creatures was very strong so i tried to divert my thoughts, but i couldn't, and in that moment i just started to pray to Jesus to protect me and help me to get out of any "interesting" but attacking contacts of any kind ... and that helped me to fall asleep safely and next morning i just felt even more energized and calm and aware or reality of things around us ....
Also in last months, in parallel of researching stuff from the Forum, and reading recommended books, i am researching work from "L/L Research" web resources, and combined together, for me it just exponentially adding to the overall growth ... I would love to be able to share most in a format of decent analysis and text, but i am not yet able to do that, as for me, as soon as i read something it start to grow in me, and i "forget" the readings, but i start to live in that direction ... it is literary like living the knowledge ... i am much better to manifest it in my work through my artistic visual language, or classes and presentation i have for kids and students ... and i hope it is all in general and ultimate direction of giving to others ....
So as times are getting more difficult each day, for me, with kind of sadness brought through feeling of "cosmic pain" how Tesla used to say, it is also bringing more grace, peace and love on a human scale, that just makes me feel thankful for each day i wake up, here on earth ...
.. so far ... maybe my experiences will help to reflect or re-think last weeks, for some of you too ...