Lana has a challenge of being so young and naive that was frustrating to me. She is having the material world placed at her feet and she keeps kicking it away. I suppose it is because I was the same way at that age.
I remember similar from my youth.
The wealthy and super wealthy just didn’t impress me back then. Even if I did ‘admire’ things on the outside (buildings, tales, stories, etc), I never had the feeling that that would be something for me to acquire personally, work for or cheat myself into. It seemed all so… futile in terms of innert life (soul) quality (and the people attached to that wealth were oddly strange - from a perspective of a young guy who senses more than average Joe, I mean.
And when I flirted with “the richer side” - I never could feel any genuine passion of having such goals. It felt stupid and like a complicated patchwork, in which ones real soul would erode away. Well then that was off the list, too.
Only 2 days ago, I started to read the first book in the series Laura suggested, and I am waaaay in the beginning, just right at the point after the first encounter between Lana and Blake… I did stumble across several personal reactions.
I may not have anything to contribute here really, other than personal observations related to my own past and hope that this doesn’t dilute the (you guyz’) focus on the deeper underpinnings, the real reason why Laura suggested to go with this series.
My first reaction came when Laura suggested this novel series. I almost got angry (not at her), but felt this immense resistance to go down that road reading this stuff.
I used to read hundreds of romantic novels 40 years ago - when i was 14 years old, at my other grandmother Helene home in Berlin. There was nothing else to do at her place - so I started to read her stuff, to pass the time. And it captured me greatly ! Which was interesting - but had the irritating effect of that my deep love starved heart was yearning even more, accelerating the pain already felt since earliest childhood (with puberty hormones on top of everything) but also laws and rules which at that time forbid my kind of yearning… Bitter sweet. So Silly. And so real on the inside. The kind of stuff thay makes you dream of the tall, handsome masculine dude… yeah. What a Bummer !
And i just didn’t want to go back there now ! Yet, I was slightly curious… what it would be like, to read that stuff… again.
Wealthy families, castles, independent damsels in distress, getting hooked on mysterious, magnetic tall handsome stranger. Dark elements in the family. And of course the hidden bad guy girl playing the hidden poison. Yadda. Yadda. And all that bloody, stupid roundabout of not daring to show or exchange real emotions - to sort things out - it was sooo annoying. They all want love, but make it so silly difficult, i thought back then. This strange handicap of people in the novels ‘dealing’ with emotions (or rather not really dealing) - so I chose the open way in my young life… thinking to give love a real chance.
Well that didn’t really work so well, either. The people and the world, were quite a lot more complex…
So, my approach wasn’t anymore successful compared to those those quirky novels I read 40 years ago. Instead people consume your love (my 20s to mid 40s), more like a feel-good drug, in which love, openness and honesty never truly was a magic bullet, which i though it could be. Thinking my love would contribute to “heal deeper seated problems” in those i entangled myself with. It seemed like it didn’t do a thing for them at.
And it ended always in drama, pain and distress !!
Plus - many of the guys didn’t even look for love, but wanted an easy time, a good shag. Reality guys where never anything like the guys in the novels. Ever. Which 28 year old guy is that multi sophisticated ?! Pleeeze.
On the other hand - the real life men, seemed at least being refreshingly human - which felt a lot more real. The novel guys and all that mysterious handsomeness… Gosh. Projections, projections, projections. Sure, the mind can be very creative. And so were the projections at times, always putting more into the man, than there really was. And the hunky “macho” guys back in the 80s didn’t talk much about their inner lives and emotions. And today’s macho looking (gay) guys are often a parody of manliness. A little scratch, and you see how shallow the looks go.
So, as i am reading the novels Laura suggested, i am partially 14-15 years old
again. (I had my sexual debut when i was 13 in Berlin). It came natural and everything was based on my free will, no harm or anything stupid or dangerous happened, i mean from a human perspective. I got lucky in terms of never having encountered direct violence.
The only problem i had back then - was that I so easily gave my heart away to due the absence of love through my entire childhood - making it so difficult to orient myself. But hey, I too, had to test the waters… what all that fuzz was about, right?
Now so far into the novel - the little i have read, the style is pretty much the same like 40 years ago. Only that the sex - is suddenly present, vivid and detailed, which feels a bit odd to me (but I am not surprised. It is 2021, not 1980 anymore). Not having read any romantic mystery novels for 40 years - it is litterally like a sudden jump in time. However time feels strangely fluid and intertwined. What age am I really ? 55 in passport, 44 in soul and attitude, yet also all of the sudden also 14… How odd that feels.
I have no idea where these series will take me but I was curious of how I would react and feel after 40 years… and of course i am wondering about the deeper underpinnings which made Laura suggest us to read the series in the first place.
When it comes to the sex scenes i am strangely not so keen to read them (given that it may get worse in that regard). Cold guyz are deeply IRRITATING. Like a source that against your will suck in your energy.
Which they do not deserve !!
And Guys like that fat slime boll who Lana first was about to strike a deal to help her mother - makes me plain angry. Such types i have sometimes (since my mid 30s) occationally bashed into their faces, when i encountered them in dark corners of gay crusing cinemas - when they act as if the entry ticket being a sort of right, theu even defend, to grab anything that walks on two legs. So, when a guy at the THIRD time still didn’t respect my will of not wanting to be grabbed at certain spots on my body… Then anger overrules politeness and shyness,
Nowadays i can sense those types intentions moments before they act out - so I just counteract accordingly without direct interaction or aggression (body language, eyes, changing position, etc)
* * *
Nevertheless. I do like Lana. And will follow her path through the novels…