This thread is what I have been searching for thank you Psyche for sharing.
I am not sure where this would fit with psychopaths though. Or that you imply it. With psychopaths you get a full blown version of both aspects – ghostly lover and demon OSIT, but I could well be confusing things and be way off the mark here. They can be both demon and ghostly lover, before, during and after.
I think also ghostly lovers come from the ‘happy endings’ we believe from fairy tales as children, then the first deception you get – say your first ‘real love’ turns those thoughts sour (the betrayal certainly did with me as it was the first real betrayal that hit me in life at 16). The world turns upside down, you start seeing negatives (demon lovers) in people, yet still hold on to the hope, belief wishful thinking that the ghostly lover still exists somewhere.
Ironically by 19 I became a very positive person and motivator of others, with oodles of self confidence, running my first business abroad. I now realise that was a kind of buffer and even then I used to confide in my sister (who wished she could have the same confidence) that underneath I was just as nervous as she was, yet it was easier to get on with people and ‘survive’ in the world that way.
I have by no means recovered from PTSD. The understanding has helped immensely though. My last relationship with a psychopath ended over 2 ½ years ago. I am absolutely sure if I wasn’t studying psychopaths in the last 4 months of the relationship – especially Women Who Love Psychopaths – I wouldn’t be here now. As usual, I was a wreck, at rock bottom, in every single way. Only The Work kept me going and made me ‘strong enough’? to end it. Or not to have him back. (Though not quite out of the woods there yet if I am honest with myself – due to the remnants of the ghostly lover memories).
But as you know - IT DOESN’T END. The intrusive thoughts about him, what could have been, wishful thinking, and all the usual detritus kept/keep intruding over the majority of my day and night (even waking up as thoughts hit me before and after saying POTS) so continual getting up with panic attacks, and smoking, as no chance of proper sleep.
Reading all the ‘big 5’ books etc I could not extinguish the trauma type thoughts. I had PTSD before we met on the deaths of my ‘boyfriend’ (another psychopath/user) in a car crash 3 months prior to the relationship, and my son, father etc etc before that. Also I had the same intrusional thoughts when I was with/and after my (psychopath and user) second husband. So this was lots of hurtful baggage and repeat performances. The viscious circle. Depression was deep, not truly allowing me to step outside myself, until the books on psychopaths taught me such things existed. Well seeking solace after the car crash in the arms of a willing ‘empathetic’ Prince Charming in 2009 was nearly the end of me – the final straw.
I have started changing the thoughts, to use them as shocks for self remembering, Also realising that my energy may be draining to him in some way, thus helping him hurt someone else – psychic hooks? Definitely I was pleasing the 4DSTS – I was just the mental heap they wanted me to be – no good for anything except FOOD.
Well the text you copied from Carl Jung on : "The Way of All Women" is a really big help and eye-opener. I never considered the Ghostly Lover. Also in grief I naturally ‘held’ and had intrusive thoughts about my son too – it was December 2004 when he died.. So I feel that it can be more than a Prince Charming but also a MAJOR LOSS in one’s life. I was hitting the ‘Learning to Let Go’ books big time but to no real avail, also then, I could only find the Robin Norwood books on dependency.
I know it is bad enough when a ‘normal’ relationship or marriage breaks up however MY QUESTION IS does this work the same after psychopaths?? As there are so many other criteria that take place that are so damaging as we know? We are still projecting. Trust goes totally out of the window of self or others.
I do not feel that the intrusive thoughts have faded, nor the ‘yearning’ for my ex., that is so energy wasting, yet my wishful thinking, has actually been turned around in a ‘reality’ kind of positive way. More like, I feel it is being diverted and not properly addressed. But how? Is the continual work on oneself enough? There are certainly encouraging stories.
Yes of course ‘survivors’ have broken wings but if I feel strong enough to start doing the breathing exercises again and continue the in-depth study will this ultimately be enough? I never got the chance to have psychotherapy but now know that this would not have benefitted me especially on my assessment in 2006. The psychiatrist report said I was best going back to work – a distinct psychopath with NO empathy. (I had just – 2004 -nearly taken the council to court via tribunal on bullying in the workplace and knew I was now dead meat. The council was paying for councelling sessions because of it – my complaint was upheld – the stressful behaviour had been going on for years before I joined as a manager yet I would not condone it. Our ponorology society.
I know I have make tons of progress but this is my major issue I think. A real energy stealer.
Well, in 25th May this year I met a nice guy and liked him. I cannot say emotionally as I didn’t have the usual ‘chemical attraction’ but thought I am not ready at all but maybe a healthy relationship – companionship would be good. I was aware that I didn’t have such ‘emotions’ left. I truly explained to him that I was just saying how happy I was by myself with my dog and cat for the first time in a long while, then he came along. . (I have been on my own, by choice, since March 2010), That we could go really slowly as friends. Well I was really aware that not only did it feel strange and not right but that (as it warns on this thread), I was starting to be hyper critical – first in my mind, driving me nuts to analyse why?, and then directly to him, which was truly not fair to him. Realising that this was no way a fair exchange of energy and that there could be no balance I decided to finish ‘it’ as this would end up being STS feeding. Having read Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow –from habit to harmony, I realised that I could not be intimate either – the chemical attraction had to be there. The Ghostly Lover and the continual comparisons just got worse. I am happy to have a ‘label’ for all this now but it is like giving up our FREE WILL. How dangerous is that? Controlled by uninvited thoughts most of the time.
BTW Ghostly Lover still lives in the same village but totally blocks me, not even ‘friends’ which, I should be grateful for that, as should help in recovery, but the fact of stealing my gold and lots more that pathelogicals do, really gets to me. I cannot let him see that, as it would be exactly what they would like to achieve. Knowing they have conned you etc.
Amazing how I still feel so much for someone who has no empathy after all I have learned! IT JUST DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. The emotions act like a YoYo love/hate/common sense/reality check/yearning/self remembering guide.
I feel sure that 4D STS are particularly cultivating the intrusive thoughts (having a hay day in fact). I say POTS with gratitude on most occasions this happens.
It could also well be my unconscious self that has caused such major blocks outside my life in moving forward too – never ending court cases I have had to instigate to retrieve major losses from pathelogicals, as well as financial blocks (income/start business) and selling blocks (house and 2 separate small pieces of land) for the last 2 years. So am totally rock bottom financially – without anticipation – but intensively and continually thankful for the time to study in the interim. Plus I get out in the world and have calm times with my friends, animals, nature plus study. My house is my sanctuary and I feel very lucky to be able to live where I choose to be
As time goes by and you start to rebuild your life you find more instances rear up that you were unaware of at the time. For example, nobody can come near you, like close, – your boundaries, personal energy totally rejects anyone that comes physically near you, other than friends you greet. Even getting in a lift feels claustrophobic for the same reason.
Also the thought of intimacy is totally out the window: Because of the ‘damage’ but also because it won’t measure up to ‘what you had before’. The ‘feelings you had together’ seem impossible to have with anyone else. Luckily I was spared from sexual perversions or becoming needy etc. aka Part 6 of Sharon Brown’s The Gentle Life article.
Sorry for the long post. I am happy to start another thread in the swamp if necessary.
