TheManyShadesOfJo
Padawan Learner
that IS interesting, thanks anart. so would that constitute a program or a sort of psychic defense mechanism, i wonder?
What programs have YOU discovered?
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TheManyShadesOfJo
Padawan Learner
hmm i guess handedness is a program too; certainly in my school, kids who were inclined to write with their left hand were soon "corrected". keeps you tied to the masculine hemisphere and all its limitations! i wonder then if left-handers are more connected to the right brain, and if ambi-dextrous people are more balanced in this respect? i'm going to practice writing with my left hand, as a personal experiment :)
the_hammer
Jedi
I'm only writing this Jo, since it doesn't seem like you understand the significance of the quote by G.TheManyShadesOfJo said:
My interpretation, which of course could be wrong, of the above quote by G. is that if and when these situations does occur, one simply has got to forget it to move on.
The only other alternative would be to get stuck, if one views one self as special or gifted; which we would tend to if indeed we did remember.
This would be the same as doing the same magic trick over and over for the rest of ones life and thereby wasting it, since the person wouldn't learn anything of value.
TheManyShadesOfJo
Padawan Learner
well sure i understand what you're saying, but it's not something i'm dwelling on - i'm happy in the knowledge that my revelation is recorded in my esence, i'm just interested in the mechanisms of it, whether its a program that sort of backfires to my advantage, or whether it is my psyche protecting important information that would otherwise be twisted by my personality.
D
doormouse
Guest
First post in almost a year - so I suppose "lack of persistence (will)" would be high on the list.
What drives me to post this morning is fighting with what I consider one of my ugliest programs. The "My Daughter Gets Sick to Spite Me" (MDGSSM) program.
History: My sons are 26, 23, and 21; my daughter is 10. So I had a life of being a single mom (sort of - I had a lot of help) to 3 boys; now I have a life of being a single mom to 1 girl. And I clearly have issues with my D that I never had with my sons. Considering my relationship with my mother, no big surprise. However, my history with the sons, I think, gives me some fairly clear insight into the fact that my relationship with my D is DIFFERENT. No problem. Multi-generational Mother/Daughter issues, menopause vs pre-puberty - I expected that to be an issue. But the thing I fight with the hardest is the way I react, at a core level, when she does not feel well. I take deep personal offense. Then, heaven forbid she does not respond to my care the way I think she should and I get really ugly.
Now I know how this was programmed into me. I can watch the program unfold. I can even chose (for awhile) to "behave correctly" (take care of her while merely observing myself, monitor my tone of voice and actions); but I have yet to be able to simply disengage from the program - negative emotions run amok. D is sick, and I am mad at her because I know she's running a fever of 101 and vomiting just to ruin my day.
And of course I KNOW that D did not, in the midst of a sleepover with her best friend decide: "hm, I think I'll spike a temp and puke just so I can ruin Mom's Sunday". I know she didn't do that. But my machine says she did and responds to that.
So "I" made her a pitcher of iced mint tea, tucked her in my bed with her puppy, and she is sleeping like an angel. No reason I cannot continue with my Sunday routine. And deliverable schedules be damned, if she is still sick tomorrow I can call off from work (oh the horror - what would they do without me). I know D is more important than any office Goat Rope. I can sit here and say that to you, but my machine is saying "she can't be sick; I don't have time to deal with this; I have commitments, I have responsibilities and she is trying to ruin everything!" And I hate that these thoughts and feelings even pass through my machine.
But they do.
But I think the correct thing to do at the moment is to do the laundry and finish cleaning my office.
And make chicken soup. Yeah - that's the ticket ... chicken soup.
What drives me to post this morning is fighting with what I consider one of my ugliest programs. The "My Daughter Gets Sick to Spite Me" (MDGSSM) program.
History: My sons are 26, 23, and 21; my daughter is 10. So I had a life of being a single mom (sort of - I had a lot of help) to 3 boys; now I have a life of being a single mom to 1 girl. And I clearly have issues with my D that I never had with my sons. Considering my relationship with my mother, no big surprise. However, my history with the sons, I think, gives me some fairly clear insight into the fact that my relationship with my D is DIFFERENT. No problem. Multi-generational Mother/Daughter issues, menopause vs pre-puberty - I expected that to be an issue. But the thing I fight with the hardest is the way I react, at a core level, when she does not feel well. I take deep personal offense. Then, heaven forbid she does not respond to my care the way I think she should and I get really ugly.
Now I know how this was programmed into me. I can watch the program unfold. I can even chose (for awhile) to "behave correctly" (take care of her while merely observing myself, monitor my tone of voice and actions); but I have yet to be able to simply disengage from the program - negative emotions run amok. D is sick, and I am mad at her because I know she's running a fever of 101 and vomiting just to ruin my day.
And of course I KNOW that D did not, in the midst of a sleepover with her best friend decide: "hm, I think I'll spike a temp and puke just so I can ruin Mom's Sunday". I know she didn't do that. But my machine says she did and responds to that.
So "I" made her a pitcher of iced mint tea, tucked her in my bed with her puppy, and she is sleeping like an angel. No reason I cannot continue with my Sunday routine. And deliverable schedules be damned, if she is still sick tomorrow I can call off from work (oh the horror - what would they do without me). I know D is more important than any office Goat Rope. I can sit here and say that to you, but my machine is saying "she can't be sick; I don't have time to deal with this; I have commitments, I have responsibilities and she is trying to ruin everything!" And I hate that these thoughts and feelings even pass through my machine.
But they do.
But I think the correct thing to do at the moment is to do the laundry and finish cleaning my office.
And make chicken soup. Yeah - that's the ticket ... chicken soup.
Kel
Jedi
The "self-destruct" program is very strong with me. This is very difficult for me to admit to. Very difficult because its shameful (Ah, that's another program, and maybe my biggest base program--Shame)
There is hardly a week that goes by that the thought doesn't cross my mind of "checking out". I'm not depressed or anything like that. My life is pretty good. I'm healthy, fit, secure, have a great family.
I've had this thought since I can remember and nobody knows about it--except, now you all! I, of course, don't take it seriously now, but there have been times in my past that I had many plans on just how the "checking out" would take place. Always by "accident", of course, so I won't be "ashamed" of committing suicide!
This program surprises me at times. Just last week I found a new wife for my husband. She's this really wonderful, beautiful, single gal from my kids school who loves my kids and would be a great mother/wife. Before I could even detect the program, I had a plan laid out of how I would write a note to my hubby: "If anything should happen to me...." and suggest he marry this person. My thoughts ran away with themselves for quite a while before I "woke up".
The C's, at one point mentioned something about Laura having a self destruct program inplanted. I've often wondered it I have the same, since it has been such a recurring theme with me and there have been strange things that happened to me as a child. There is one story my mom tells of me sleepwalking and going out of the house and not coming back for hours. (Why she didn't come looking for me is another strange question.)
Most of the time, now when the thought comes up for me, I think of those damned Lizzies, and kind of get my hackles up, sorta like: You dirty, rotten SOBs! I'm one person who KNOWs what you're up to. No! I'm staying 'til I die of "natural" causes or I go to 4th.
There is hardly a week that goes by that the thought doesn't cross my mind of "checking out". I'm not depressed or anything like that. My life is pretty good. I'm healthy, fit, secure, have a great family.
I've had this thought since I can remember and nobody knows about it--except, now you all! I, of course, don't take it seriously now, but there have been times in my past that I had many plans on just how the "checking out" would take place. Always by "accident", of course, so I won't be "ashamed" of committing suicide!
This program surprises me at times. Just last week I found a new wife for my husband. She's this really wonderful, beautiful, single gal from my kids school who loves my kids and would be a great mother/wife. Before I could even detect the program, I had a plan laid out of how I would write a note to my hubby: "If anything should happen to me...." and suggest he marry this person. My thoughts ran away with themselves for quite a while before I "woke up".
The C's, at one point mentioned something about Laura having a self destruct program inplanted. I've often wondered it I have the same, since it has been such a recurring theme with me and there have been strange things that happened to me as a child. There is one story my mom tells of me sleepwalking and going out of the house and not coming back for hours. (Why she didn't come looking for me is another strange question.)
Most of the time, now when the thought comes up for me, I think of those damned Lizzies, and kind of get my hackles up, sorta like: You dirty, rotten SOBs! I'm one person who KNOWs what you're up to. No! I'm staying 'til I die of "natural" causes or I go to 4th.
I constate precisely the same affirmation! Next time, I'll remember that Kel is with me in saying, "NO, I will NOT go quietly into the night!"Kel said:
The earliest suicidal thoughts I remember from about the age of 11/12. As I matured, I retrospectively put this down to teenage angst. But when I began to wake up recently... boy, did they come back with a bang! Now, they laid me way low at the time, but no matter how bad I became emotionally, I always felt a taste of absurdity accompany my thoughts of 'checking out'. Like "I" knew that "I" wouldn't actually kill myself, nor sincerely will myself to death. In fact, it soon became apparent that I was languishing in such thoughts because I was deriving gratification from them - some of my little "I"s found them very sweet and tasty. I understood then that I would be committing the ultimate act of STS by annihilating Life.
From pp. 432 - 433 of the Wave Book II:
...this is why Laura sez, "Y'all gotta read these books!.."Transmissions said:
Trapped in the Mirror - Elan Golumb; The Myth of Sanity - Martha Stout; Unholy Hungers - Barbara Hort; and The Narcissistic Family - S & D Pressman.
How powerful must we really be that their only hope against us is to suggest to us that we kindly remove ourselves from their feeding trough because our presence here spoils their meal :) I mean, these Lizzies can manipulate Space/Time, yet their abilities to keep us enslaved effectively amounts to whispering in our ears, "Kill Yourself". Utterly pathetic! Don't get me wrong, vigilance is paramount and the inner struggle with the foreign energy is often difficult... but I keep this notion in mind always and I smile as it nutures me when in turmoil.
42k4n3
The Force is Strong With This One
The 'self-destruct' program, has factored heavily in my life as well. I really never made it to the point of "checking out,' but in terms of self-sabotage towards making any real progress has been a huge detrimental force in my life. Coming right out of school, I was able to land a pretty decent entry-level position at a national broadcaster. But for some reason, I was convinced I had the crappiest job in the world. Combined with a small amount of hubris, I figured I could quit this basement night job, and waltz into any position of my liking without nary an effort of proving myself.
This became so strong that by the time I had taken it upon me to give my 2 wks notice, I had become nearly paralyzed and unable to carry out the simple task of dubbing videotapes. I walked out of it then and there, obviously, heavily hampering my credibility and burning a tremendous bridge in an industry that relies mostly on word-of-mouth endorsements from past employers.
This was over 9 years ago now and I can truly say i am still paying for that gross miscalculation still today, which is why I have gone back to school to begin a new angle of attack so to say.
Looking back, I don't regret it, for this was a valuable lesson indeed and that moment was the peak of that program, that always reared it's head in times of success, and well-being. It allowed me to put a face to the culprit and better recognize it when it rears its head.
However, I have found due this new understanding, I have found that the program now reveals itself in the form of external sources. And its nearly uncanny. As soon I am picking up momentum on doing The Work, someone will enter my life, in the guise of providing with with exactly 'what I want" or think I want, and pull me off course. thankfully, my sensibilities have been able to kick in before I was able to make a bad decision and give up all I have thus-far worked towards.
This became so strong that by the time I had taken it upon me to give my 2 wks notice, I had become nearly paralyzed and unable to carry out the simple task of dubbing videotapes. I walked out of it then and there, obviously, heavily hampering my credibility and burning a tremendous bridge in an industry that relies mostly on word-of-mouth endorsements from past employers.
This was over 9 years ago now and I can truly say i am still paying for that gross miscalculation still today, which is why I have gone back to school to begin a new angle of attack so to say.
Looking back, I don't regret it, for this was a valuable lesson indeed and that moment was the peak of that program, that always reared it's head in times of success, and well-being. It allowed me to put a face to the culprit and better recognize it when it rears its head.
However, I have found due this new understanding, I have found that the program now reveals itself in the form of external sources. And its nearly uncanny. As soon I am picking up momentum on doing The Work, someone will enter my life, in the guise of providing with with exactly 'what I want" or think I want, and pull me off course. thankfully, my sensibilities have been able to kick in before I was able to make a bad decision and give up all I have thus-far worked towards.
OzRich
Jedi
After reading Deedlet's story I thought I'll resurrect this thread.
My big, almost terminated now program is/was: "I'll come to your rescue as soon as I see you crying - and very likely I'll fall in love with you".
I worked it out not long ago - psychology books (Myth of Sanity) and this forum were crucial.
I realized that, with one exception, all my relationships/friendships were with women, that were in some sort of trouble, under stress, were unhappy or crying when I met them. And often I would "fall in love" with them.
One of my friends, one of the founders of gestalt therapy in AU, said to me: "I can only count on you, when I'm in trouble".
I did rescue her once, when she was in trouble.
How was I programmed.
I was pretty sickly child, spending lots of time in hospitals. Needless to say hospitalization and separation from parents was always traumatic.
I never remembered much of it. The memories only started coming back in last few years, during and after my son's treatment for leukemia.
One incident however, I always remembered. It always had "good feel' to it.
I was probably 7, maybe 8 or 9. In the hospital ward where I was staying was this little girl 3, 4 maybe 5.
She was always crying, would refuse to eat, throw tantrums and be generally problem to caring staff.
For some reason she would totally calm down and be happy and playful when around me. Apparently she was being raised by her father only.
So I was given the "job" by the staff of caring, feeding, playing with her and putting her to sleep. I was the "hero" of the ward.
My own trauma was forgotten and all was fine.
And throughout my all life, whenever there was "damsel in distress", I was there, "knight in the shiny armor" coming to her "rescue" - never mind that I wasn't asked...
I might not be such a bad program, one may think. Problem was that I would often "fall in love" and have relationship that in the end didn't work. In two of those relationships, my partners learned very quickly, that producing tears will get them anything from me.
I started doing EE few weeks after it was put on the net because of this program. Few days prior EE was posted I met "damsel in distress" and with all the drama around her I didn't have time and energy to do breathing. But I realized what's happening and terminated it.
That's one of the major programs. There are more that I discovered - like inability to write. Prior to posting on this forum I was unable to write more that 2 -3 sentences, but that's another story.
My big, almost terminated now program is/was: "I'll come to your rescue as soon as I see you crying - and very likely I'll fall in love with you".
I worked it out not long ago - psychology books (Myth of Sanity) and this forum were crucial.
I realized that, with one exception, all my relationships/friendships were with women, that were in some sort of trouble, under stress, were unhappy or crying when I met them. And often I would "fall in love" with them.
One of my friends, one of the founders of gestalt therapy in AU, said to me: "I can only count on you, when I'm in trouble".
I did rescue her once, when she was in trouble.
How was I programmed.
I was pretty sickly child, spending lots of time in hospitals. Needless to say hospitalization and separation from parents was always traumatic.
I never remembered much of it. The memories only started coming back in last few years, during and after my son's treatment for leukemia.
One incident however, I always remembered. It always had "good feel' to it.
I was probably 7, maybe 8 or 9. In the hospital ward where I was staying was this little girl 3, 4 maybe 5.
She was always crying, would refuse to eat, throw tantrums and be generally problem to caring staff.
For some reason she would totally calm down and be happy and playful when around me. Apparently she was being raised by her father only.
So I was given the "job" by the staff of caring, feeding, playing with her and putting her to sleep. I was the "hero" of the ward.
My own trauma was forgotten and all was fine.
And throughout my all life, whenever there was "damsel in distress", I was there, "knight in the shiny armor" coming to her "rescue" - never mind that I wasn't asked...
I might not be such a bad program, one may think. Problem was that I would often "fall in love" and have relationship that in the end didn't work. In two of those relationships, my partners learned very quickly, that producing tears will get them anything from me.
I started doing EE few weeks after it was put on the net because of this program. Few days prior EE was posted I met "damsel in distress" and with all the drama around her I didn't have time and energy to do breathing. But I realized what's happening and terminated it.
That's one of the major programs. There are more that I discovered - like inability to write. Prior to posting on this forum I was unable to write more that 2 -3 sentences, but that's another story.
anya
Jedi
My program is that I try to fix everyone's problems. It is part of my job to help people solve their problems. For most people I just need to connect them with the right program or information. When I cannot convince my clients to follow my advice I keep trying to get through to them. For example, I repeatedly told SL that if he didn't pay his child support he would go to jail. He didn't pay and he went to jail. Now he is in danger of losing his home and he will not cooperate with the bank to get assistance. I don't wish to violate his choice to lose his home but it is very difficult to sit back and allow this to happen.
tree
Jedi
I have the "pretend to be perfect" program. Not only do I get inwardly upset when I'm wrong or make mistakes, but I really really try to prevent others from finding out! It has something to do with how others see me...almost as if how they see me creates the truth of who I am. Needless to say I have plenty of "work" to do everyday. I'm sure this is the program that has prevented me from posting more often... its hard to post a perfect post. Now I'm seeing that I'm hurting myself this way, and I'm trying to shed this program and be authentic.
My other favorite program is to get people to feel sorry for me. I whine, or complain, or exagerate my poor circumstances. I love sympathy, but outwardly I'll brush it off.
Thanks to everyone else for sharing. It helps with self reflection.
Tree
My other favorite program is to get people to feel sorry for me. I whine, or complain, or exagerate my poor circumstances. I love sympathy, but outwardly I'll brush it off.
Thanks to everyone else for sharing. It helps with self reflection.
Tree
truth seeker
The Living Force
Tree said:
I'm so glad you posted this as I was just thinking of "you" the other day. I noticed that while you do post, it's mainly articles which is kind of like a safe form of posting. I thought to myself how nice it would be to "see" you more often in other parts of the forum. This is not a criticism but just an observation.
With this particular program (meaning the fear of posting which I would say that most of us have from time to time), we can fall into the trap of not being able to see the bigger picture and only see things from our own perspective: "Is my post perfect?", "I have nothing relevant to add.", etc. How do you feel if you consider that what you say may have some value or may help you or someone else come to a clearer understanding about a particular subject?
It's like reading about bicycle riding - you can read all you want, but unless you actually put it into practice you'll never really learn it.
I hope you will take this as encouragement to post more and look forward to learning with you!
Biomiast
Jedi Master
I have a program, not to make mistakes. When I make a mistake, I admit it is wrong and apologize from the people I hurt or mislead, but in time, mistakes accumulate and empower Negative Introject, this makes me unable to act and a fear of making mistakes took over. I make them anyway, but I never forgive myself. Especially recently, my thinking isn't accurate in any given situation and every move I make becomes a mistake. 
tree
Jedi
Thanks for your encouragement truth seeker. A lot of times, I either know a lot on a subject (usually health) or nothing. I've noticed since I've started the EE program that I've been wanting to post more and try to connect with the forum members. I also feel a greater urge to read more of the Fourth Way materials and I purchased a few books from the reading list, even though I'm only reading a few pages every few days. I hope I can contribute more as I weed out my programs!
I was actually starting to write about my busy life as a working mom and how I don't have time for...blah blah blah. And I caught my "feel sorry for me" program in the act.
I just started reading ISOTM.... its time I step up to the plate. I'm starting to feel that my efforts aren't just for me anymore. All of our efforts will multiply out and effect so many others. That's why I'm here!
Reaching out... :)
Tree
I was actually starting to write about my busy life as a working mom and how I don't have time for...blah blah blah. And I caught my "feel sorry for me" program in the act.
I just started reading ISOTM.... its time I step up to the plate. I'm starting to feel that my efforts aren't just for me anymore. All of our efforts will multiply out and effect so many others. That's why I'm here! Reaching out... :)
Tree
-Hi everyone, to add my program
Everyone in the class (Elementary School) always laughed whenever I had to read a certain text. I couldn’t pronounce it very well so. Since I was dyslexic. Always felt less of it. Wasn’t mad at others more at mine self. I couldn’t take it very well. So I always studied hard.
I guess I saw them all as mine rivals. Mine motivation was to get ‘even’. I want it to show them I was just as good as they where. Not only to them but also myself. You may get the impression that I was bullied. Well that’s not how I experienced it. I was more angry at myself than others. I had a great time in ‘Elementary school.’
A few months ago I discovered that really my motivation didn’t came out from passion. I had a settle to score to myself, others. That I was ‘normal’ not less. I didn’t had any passion for my study. Didn’t had any in my whole school carreer.
My only reason in doing so was to get ‘even’.
But here comes the clue. Mine intellect was fueled by energy from the emotional center. I couldn’t think clearly. So by even having a disability I also made it even harder for myself.
Really motivation comes from oneself. I guess it’s what you call passion.
A few weeks ago I again had to do a grammatical, spelling test. I somehow enjoined into learning it. I really saw a lot ‘spelling rules’ I couldn’t understand before. You know I just saw the connections.
When thinking about it I guess my greatest disability was myself. Not mine dyslexia.
BTW: I again failed the test. But let’s say it was close and there is a lot of room for improvement. This test is required. I can’t keep failing. But I still can do it over. So we see. And learning in general goes well. Instead of complaining all the time I really see fun in trying to understand it all. I never experienced that. I always had to force myself.
So now that I got rid of that program, basically ‘a new world’ has opened. :D
Everyone in the class (Elementary School) always laughed whenever I had to read a certain text. I couldn’t pronounce it very well so. Since I was dyslexic. Always felt less of it. Wasn’t mad at others more at mine self. I couldn’t take it very well. So I always studied hard.
I guess I saw them all as mine rivals. Mine motivation was to get ‘even’. I want it to show them I was just as good as they where. Not only to them but also myself. You may get the impression that I was bullied. Well that’s not how I experienced it. I was more angry at myself than others. I had a great time in ‘Elementary school.’
A few months ago I discovered that really my motivation didn’t came out from passion. I had a settle to score to myself, others. That I was ‘normal’ not less. I didn’t had any passion for my study. Didn’t had any in my whole school carreer.
My only reason in doing so was to get ‘even’.
But here comes the clue. Mine intellect was fueled by energy from the emotional center. I couldn’t think clearly. So by even having a disability I also made it even harder for myself.
Really motivation comes from oneself. I guess it’s what you call passion.
A few weeks ago I again had to do a grammatical, spelling test. I somehow enjoined into learning it. I really saw a lot ‘spelling rules’ I couldn’t understand before. You know I just saw the connections.
When thinking about it I guess my greatest disability was myself. Not mine dyslexia.
BTW: I again failed the test. But let’s say it was close and there is a lot of room for improvement. This test is required. I can’t keep failing. But I still can do it over. So we see. And learning in general goes well. Instead of complaining all the time I really see fun in trying to understand it all. I never experienced that. I always had to force myself.
So now that I got rid of that program, basically ‘a new world’ has opened. :D
