Perhaps you could enlighten us on the 'confluence' of things to begin with. I think the 'mirror' in the forum is even more effective because there are so many more minds connecting than just the chateau crew.
...
You sound, to me, like you need to go on a pilgrimage to the chateau and that it will bring you more faith and crystallise 'something' for you. I don't think it works that way. It actually, to me, sounds STS but, hey, that's just me calling it as I see it. No personal offence intended.
....
@stellar, thanks for sharing your perspectives. No fear of offence. I should first say that I don't want to try and defend the fact that I posted that request or try to justify it. I really want to be careful of that. My interest is to learn what I can from the feedback provided and the experience overall.
As for the confluence of events, thoughts, emotions, etc., I think it can be best summarized as a desperate cry for clarity. The vision I have is one where I'm actively contributing, being useful; here on the forum, on SOTT, and in personal projects that have continued to call to me.
When I decided to write the letter, I had read one of the recent sessions referring to FOTCM members serving to protect the Queen Bee. That's what I wanted to be aligned with, identify with and aspire to; growing spiritually to the point of helping the group be protected. In that moment I was also convicted of my lack of contribution, and felt the burden of the imbalance in what I've received compared to what I've contributed.
Despite fits and starts over the years, I have not yet successfully organized my life in such a way that my vocation both provides for my family, feeds my energy to serve as husband and father, and allows me time to do what I really want to do -- invest in this network. I accept the maxim that in order to do more, I must become more. Life seems to be telling me that I'm not yet sufficient to do what I'm inspired to do. I accept that, and I continue striving to develop & demonstrate proficiency in these fundamental things. You said I might've been seeking more Faith or to crystalize something in me; I would characterize the motivation as more likely seeking, not only clarity, but a catalyst. It began to seem vanishingly possible to get from where I am to where I feel called to be without immediate divine intervention.
At that moment I was overcome with an acute sense of my blindness. I constantly question the tactics that I'm exploring to achieve my end goal because I recognize that my ordinary state of "thinking" and "seeing" do not suffice. At the same time I recognize that no one else can do that work for me or underwrite my decisions. I found myself at a crossroads with my career decisions, for example, having landed a contract with a company that was courting me to join them full-time. The potential trajectory seemed promising, and would afford greater financial stability, yet I was ambivalent about the demands it would place on my time, (something in the realm of 60-80 hours) and whether or not partnering with these people would tend to help or hinder on a spiritual level.
So again, I was trying to see the unseen dynamic at play and found myself unequal to the task. I prayed and contemplated and proceeded as best I could, with reservations. Well, fast forward a couple months and that company has a financial crisis, is cutting staff, and backpedaling out of a deal that they were previously anxious to make. I'm still trying to decode the lessons from that one.
All of the above is what I had on my mind. I think it is stuff that everyone here is working on.
I do feel an incredible connection to the network, and read/study constantly, and generally support where and when I can. My request was not externally considerate, I think. It may even have been prompted from some STS basis. I cannot say. Looking at it now and trying to deconstruct it with everyone's help is really beneficial.
Thanks