Boardlurker? Read this!!

[wanderer33]

Thanks for the understanding y'all. I appreciate it.

 

[Aiming]

Thanks for sharing this, wanderer33. It's indeed a lot to carry and it's understandable that your situation is not easy. As others have said, feel free to talk to us, communication is the key. :)

I find myself lurking when I am out of synch; being caugth in a web of programs prompting only to contribute when the timing is rigth and I'm in the 'zone', when I am in good standing with myself and my 'alignment/ perfectionism' program, so I can report positive things. It's an old childhood pattern which repeats as I think I am not welcome in my bewildered/ disconnected/ negative state.

The replies I get I am usually dumbfounded on how to respond, where do I want to go with the talk, who am I talking with, etc..I can go months without posting- feeling off and underneath a bad conscience grows and furthers the out of synch and no-post scam I have going for myself.

FWIW, parallel, I can relate to the program of wanting to post only when I can report positive things. As well as being dumbfounded on how to respond to others' posts. Like: 'My reply has to be really good and impressive, because I'm a good student and worthy'.

It's about communication and attachment, to word something amongst you guys takes extra focus on clarity.

Maybe consider it similar to training a muscle. It takes continuous effort, and at some point, the muscle is built and it will be easy.

The focus scares me as it brings to light the twisted wirings in my attachment disorder.

The scare mostly comes from us projecting our fears outside, thus on this forum. At least that has been my experience.

The spell is broken with practice, I gather.

Exactly. :)

 

[Drea]

"Dissent is a sentiment or philosophy of non-agreement or opposition to a prevailing idea".

hmmm. I don't disagree with or oppose the prevailing forum ideas to any large extent. I agree with and support an enormous amount of material here. I guess I do have a problem communicating. I don't post here that often, only when I think I need some feedback on an issue. I would post more if I thought I had something to offer of value. It had become clear that I have little to offer and as a result I post as a learning experience and comment when I am not in agreement with, or seeking to understand, a prevailing thought.

If I had to define an area of 'deeper goings on', it would be the idea that I feel utterly useless these days. I am approaching sixty and have a permanent disability which is limiting my ability to DO THINGS in the physical world. Also I am out of work at present and am having trouble re-entering the work force. Employers want youth. It may be the case that the bank will take my home some time soon. I really feel uncomfortable talking about this as I do not like whining about my own problems when there are, for example, 20 million people in Pakistan without a roof over their head.

You asked for a reason and this is about as honest a response as I can muster. I would think that my problem with communicating may stem from these issues.
Obviously my confidence is in tatters. Having spilled my guts, so to speak, hope springs eternal. I'm not giving up, just down not out. :)

I hope this doesn't become fuel for any negative posts as personal information has a way of being used in very creative ways.

Thank you very much wanderer for posting this. This is precisely the problem I am faced with when thinking of posting. It just seems like there are so many perceivably unpleasant things going on right now, and it is hard for me to add my own weight to the situation. I've been wracking my brain trying to think of the positive to contribute, but I really feel like posting something of that nature would be forced.

I understand it is terribly hard to post sometimes, especially with all that over your head. I wanted to let you know that you helped me, because I feel in the same boat right now.

Thank you all for the support. Times are getting tough and so many of us don't have anyone to talk to. This forum is a real life saver for many of us, and I realize I need to be more a part of it.

to Wanderer. Hang in there.

 

[melatonin]

Theres a few reason i 'boardlurk'.
Firstly... my english is shhhiiiiitt.
I can hold a pretty good conversation face to face, but on here its all about written words. Not mannerisms, being polite, body langauge and a million other things.

Also on here when i post i feel like i have to say something really profound or intelligent (or whatever).

Even if i said " Ive been in an alien spaceship" - it would probably get over-looked because people cant tell if your lying or not.

Anyways.... ive found the people most suited and sucessful on forums are the ones that are good at english. Simple as that. And im not.

 

[Ares]

Also on here when i post i feel like i have to say something really profound or intelligent (or whatever).

that made me laugh melatonin, because i felt the same way earlier :) i'm sure you've read enough of the board to know how many posts are 'profound' versus those that are either trying to help or learn something new :)

 

[andi]

]
Anyways.... ive found the people most suited and sucessful on forums are the ones that are good at english. Simple as that. And im not.
[

Ya well you don't need to be successful onto anybody; just keep on doing what you do and keep on getting better on every aspect of life and that alone will give reason to leave even in the most unbearable of situations.. and that ,I think, is success :)

 

[melatonin]

I think its about me wanting acceptance. So these are issues with my ego that im yet to confront and work through. :)

 

[Ollie]

]
Anyways.... ive found the people most suited and sucessful on forums are the ones that are good at english. Simple as that. And im not.
[

Ya well you don't need to be successful onto anybody; just keep on doing what you do and keep on getting better on every aspect of life and that alone will give reason to leave even in the most unbearable of situations.. and that ,I think, is success :)

Well put andi.

melatonin, everyone is accepted as being who they are, themselves, on the forum, so, just be yourself, and,

I think its about me wanting acceptance. So these are issues with my ego that im yet to confront and work through. :)

have you read the Narcissism "Big Five"

Myth of Sanity - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
Trapped in the Mirror - Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers - Barbara E. Hort
In Sheep's Clothing - George K. Simon,

reading these books may help you with your ego issues and wanting acceptance - getting to the root problem of these issues.

This may help, or not.

 

[melatonin]

Hi Trevrizent,

I own 'myth of sanity' and 'in sheeps clothing'.
They are very good books.
Im aware of my behaviour (to a degree) just stuck in cycles/conditioning from early life trauma.
Im often aware and i still act in a negative/destructive way - which is incredibly frustrating. Sometimes i wish i was oblivious.

 

[Ollie]

Hi melatonin

You may find the Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman book, The Narcissistic Family, particularly useful, not only in identifying the causes, but it also provides useful ‘techniques’ for overcoming them.

Im aware of my behaviour (to a degree) just stuck in cycles/conditioning from early life trauma.
Im often aware and i still act in a negative/destructive way - which is incredibly frustrating. Sometimes i wish i was oblivious.

You say that you are aware of your behaviours to a degree.

What are the triggers that set off these behaviours? What happens to make them occur? What have you done to get out of the cycles/conditioning? What works and what other than works? What have you tried? What could you do to overcome these cycles? Do you have a plan of action?

 

[truth seeker]

Theres a few reason i 'boardlurk'.
Firstly... my english is shhhiiiiitt.
I can hold a pretty good conversation face to face, but on here its all about written words. Not mannerisms, being polite, body langauge and a million other things.

Anyways.... ive found the people most suited and sucessful on forums are the ones that are good at english. Simple as that. And im not.

Well from the perspective of someone who is a native English speaker I would have to disagree. First of all, there are quite a few mods as well as long time members who manage to participate even if they struggle with the language. Most of them manage to convey what they mean with little to any difficulty in terms of being understood.

Also on here when i post i feel like i have to say something really profound or intelligent (or whatever).

Have you considered that these are your thoughts alone and no one else's?

Even if i said " Ive been in an alien spaceship" - it would probably get over-looked because people cant tell if your lying or not.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. It's assumed that people are being genuine unless proven otherwise.

Just a general note to those lurking. We can all come up with reasons not to post. We have all felt insecurity at one time or another. The only way to get past it is to press through it. Many times waiting only serves to further isolate us. Seeing as we don't have much time left I have to ask, how much longer will you wait? Until the situation becomes so dire that you no longer have the opportunity to post and then spend that time wishing you had? This world is on fire and although I don't know what precisely will happen, the screws are tightening. I came across a quote recently that may be of help to some:

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.

 

[melatonin]

TruthSeeker - I was talking about my own issues. I find it hard to put my thoughts into words, and i also often feel the need to say something meaningful - probably because i want to make a good contribution.
These are things that hold me back personally.
Often im in awe of how people write and what they say.

Trevrizent - Ive done everything. Alot has been sucessful. (emdr, regressive hypnotherapy etc etc) But still stuck in cycles. I have that many triggers. Some i can identify - like eye contact with another human being a massive trigger.

 

[truth seeker]

TruthSeeker - I was talking about my own issues. I find it hard to put my thoughts into words, and i also often feel the need to say something meaningful - probably because i want to make a good contribution.
These are things that hold me back personally.
Often im in awe of how people write and what they say.

Trevrizent - Ive done everything. Alot has been sucessful. (emdr, regressive hypnotherapy etc etc) But still stuck in cycles. I have that many triggers. Some i can identify - like eye contact with another human being a massive trigger.

Believe me, I think most of us understand what you're feeling. Personally, the only way I've found that helps is to practice. Much easier said than done of course but well worth it in the end.

 

[Nienna]

TruthSeeker - I was talking about my own issues. I find it hard to put my thoughts into words, and i also often feel the need to say something meaningful - probably because i want to make a good contribution.
These are things that hold me back personally.
Often im in awe of how people write and what they say.

If you look at what you have written, melatonin, it is all your predator (programs) talking. The predator will tell you anything to keep you find find it and being able to get it under control.

You think that you will be criticized for, what you term, as bad english. This is your predator telling you this. It does not want you to start networking.
You say you need to say something profound, or meaningful, when you post. This is your predator telling you this. It does not want you to start networking.

Remember, as the C's have said, the battle is through you. Your choices are the battle between STO and STS. I would think by now, you would have seen that any sincere post is not criticized nor is the poster made to seem lower than the rest of us. We are all learning here, melatonin. It is a place of learning. Yes, you will get feedback on things you say, but only to shine the light on the predator, or to correct an error that you have made.

Maybe you should ask yourself why you are here. If it is to learn, which I think it is, then the best way to learn is by posting and becoming part of the network. And I think that you can do it. ;)

 

[SolarMother]

Also on here when i post i feel like i have to say something really profound or intelligent (or whatever).

that made me laugh melatonin, because i felt the same way earlier :) i'm sure you've read enough of the board to know how many posts are 'profound' versus those that are either trying to help or learn something new :)

Yes, Melatonin--that sounds SO familiar--I still feel that way and thanks for making me laugh too.