Buffers, Programs and "the Predator's Mind"

[EmeraldHope]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

In another thread earlier today, I was asked a question and to respond honestly in a way that made sense I had to revel that my father murdered my 4 1/2 year old sister in front of me when I was 18 months old. Now intellectually I have examined this 6 ways to Sunday- it doesnt bother me at all to think it as a fact, or to hypothesize about it mentally or even in certain conversation sometimes to state it as a fact.

This is just awful, horrible to hear. Sorry for you loss, and for you witnessing such cruelty.
I dont think it should bother the mind, after all, without a moral compass, (not implying you dont have a moral compass) the mind is just that, analytical. It does not feel, unless it is tangled with emotions.
In such a case I think its evidence of something else though.

Sometimes it does make me emotional though, and by emotional I dont mean it in a way I normally would mean it. Usually when a strong emotion comes up I feel it in my stomach/solar plexus region. Then memories will spring up or associations, and I can often times acknowlege it and most times learn from it then let it go. With this, it seems to be almost somatic or physiological. I feel it well up in my chest- not the normal abdomen region, and the tears just pour. No sobbing or anything like that just massive water works. BUT- I am calm as a cucumber, not upset at all, I will go as far as to say from an internal observer standpoint it more like " wow my body is doing this crazy thing again". I feel drained for hours afterward usually, but no upset feeling or anything like that. This is what happened to me again today.

It seems like your mind is dissociating in these events. The drained feeling may be a clue that these events are not of a cleansing nature.
Have you checked the cassiopedia entry on dissociating?
The Big 5 psychology books may hold some clues to you as well.

This same phenomenon also happens to me if I am around any large male that becomes aggressive verbally or in a physical stance in any way. To my horror, it has happened to me in corporate meetings at work when things have gotten a little heated . Then it makes me crazy because I do not feel the least bit threatened- my BODY does though ,it seems, and a look like a huge crybaby and I am not even the least bit upset really. .

Any large male? Did your father was a large male? Maybe not but I think any male would be perceived as a large male by a 18 months old baby.
Are you aware of the Eiriu Eolas breathing and meditation programme?
It may help you to be free of the grip of this situation.

This same thing has been beneficial a few times in the presense of what I have leter found out to be pathological individuals who were not being aggressive in any matter at all.

Can you elabore how it was useful?

I am stuck because I do not know how to resolve it. There is very little else I can delve into mentally around the subject, and I dont remember hardly anythinga t all about the incident itself- just a couple of fleeting things.


Does anyone here have a clue how I can address this so this doesnt happen?

I have tried Rolfing as that is supposed to help release trauma stored in the body in the soft facia tissue and it helped a lot of things but did not a put a dent in this.

Again I refer you to http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=12837.0
If you are not doing EE I suggest you start doing so, as it is helping many to release stored traumas and programming from childhood!

The big Five Books:
Myth of Sanity - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
Trapped in the Mirror - Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers - Barbara E. Hort
In Sheep's Clothing - George K. Simon

Keep us informed, and take care!

Iron,

In regards to the breathing program please see my prior response to Shijing .


In regards to disassoication- 100% for sure was dissasoiciated for what I would estimate the majority of my life. I can even tell you the are I would disasoicate to was to the upper left hand side of my head. After I started doing the EE program, about 2 weeks in I would say, I had a very strange incident in regards to this. It scared me a little actually it is fine. I had gotten done doing EE and about 30 minutes afterwards i started seeing white ligt out of the left corner of my left eye. It then started arcing up to the left the curved around to the top of my head. I could see this for about 15 minutes or so. No pain or anything- but scared me because I though I may be going blind. ABout an hour later after it stopped I realized I was 100% in my body. I know that sounds strange but it is the only I know to describe it. Based on the work and research I'd been doing I knew I could disassoite easily, and compared to before it was a whole lot better, but I had no cluse how much I was still doing this until that happened.

I read the big 5 over the last few years. My mom has major NPD so it was SOOOOOOO helpful in regards to that. Of course there are thingvs I still am working on there.

In regards to large male statement- My father was 6'5". However, in reghards to what happens to me only males much larger than me seem to set this off. I am 5'8". so I would guess they needs to be at least 5'10". Males my size or shorter have never set this off. I am female by the way.

When I say this issue was uselful in regards to psychopaths what I mean exactly is that it told me somethinjg was very very wrong and I was able to avoid assoicaion with them. I figured this out because of the work I have done on myself and the knowledge I have at this point. Because this issue is SO different from normal emotion I know exactly what it is when it happens. The fact that it happened in close vicinity to someone who was male, yes, but in no way was threatening at all , actually in both cases EXREMELY polite and charismatic, set my alarm bells off. I was later able to verify I was correct due to the way things developed later between these individuals and others I knew who were not so lucky as I was to run. I trusted my gut and my read though and I was correct.

 

[Ollie]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

Hi EmeraldHope,

reading Martha Stout's book Myth of Sanity will help with understanding where your are at, with dissociation and ways of getting round it. You are other than alone in dealing with this type of problem. Although my problem is nothing like the trauma you may have experienced, that was horrible.

As others have said, EE Breathing-Meditation definitely helps. Shijing's approach to using this may well be an excellent way to start the recovery process.

 

[EmeraldHope]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

Hi EmeraldHope,

reading Martha Stout's book Myth of Sanity will help with understanding where your are at, with dissociation and ways of getting round it. You are other than alone in dealing with this type of problem. Although my problem is nothing like the trauma you may have experienced, that was horrible.

As others have said, EE Breathing-Meditation definitely helps. Shijing's approach to using this may well be an excellent way to start the recovery process.

Thanks Trez. I did read that book and it was wonderful.

I had read all kinds of books before I found Laura'a big 5. I sure wish I had found them first. It would have saved me a lot of time and money. I agree the EE helps.

I think the issue I am having here is due to the age I was when this happened. For the most part it was pre cognitive trauma, meaning that I was too young to access what happened conciously at this point. I dont think anyone can access too much of what happens to them under 2 years of age.

Repressed memories created via disassioation I have been able to work with. Usually when I find one of those it is accompanied by a little "I" that got created with it.
This is different. I am guessing that unless anyone reads this and has had a similar experience from a major trauma when very young can grok the difference I am trying to convey. This particular thing seems to be stored differently. The doctor who did my rolfing was also a psychologist and she told me at the time I would probably never conciously remember what happened due to my age when it happened. Hopefully the EE will eventually release it. Like I said this i more like a body reaction/emotion than an experience of an emotion through the emotional body. It is the only way I know to describe the difference.
You all have been so nice and supportive in trying to help though and I really appreciate that.

 

[Ollie]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

Hi EmeraldHope

Have you tried hypnosis? It is possible to get the learnings whilst dissociated, it's like viewing the event on a movie screen, possibly combined with being behind a window. may be even better. It is also possible to associate into the experience, however that is likely to require a lot of preparatory, and hypnosis, work to get to that position. From my research the memories are scattered and may be visual, auditory or just plain feeling - pain. I've done one batch of hypnotherapy, and am in the process of moving to another therapist to continue the process.

The other thing to do in the meantime is to look at the quizzes in the Diet and Health section, particular for deficiencies in brain chemicals - both UltraMind and Murphrees. This may help, or not.

 

[EmeraldHope]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

Hi EmeraldHope

Have you tried hypnosis? It is possible to get the learnings whilst dissociated, it's like viewing the event on a movie screen, possibly combined with being behind a window. may be even better. It is also possible to associate into the experience, however that is likely to require a lot of preparatory, and hypnosis, work to get to that position. From my research the memories are scattered and may be visual, auditory or just plain feeling - pain. I've done one batch of hypnotherapy, and am in the process of moving to another therapist to continue the process.

The other thing to do in the meantime is to look at the quizzes in the Diet and Health section, particular for deficiencies in brain chemicals - both UltraMind and Murphrees. This may help, or not.

Trev,
No I havent done hypnosis yet. It was something I was considering before I got laid off but is not really an option right now due to finanical constraint. Diet is the next area I will be attacking. I had some pretty major issues with food and had to sacrifice a pretty big sacred cow recently to get the heart of the problem so for the first time in my life I feel I am at a place where I can actually do something and make it stick in that area. I've been doing tons of research on that to try to figure out the best place to start.

 

[truth seeker]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

Can I ask how long and how often you have been doing ee, EmeraldHope?

 

[nwigal]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

EmeraldHope, I am sorry for your pain. I have found that dietary changes, detoxing, and the EE breathing have been vital for the healing of my personal childhood trauma. I tend to shake uncontrollably when around sociopaths and psychopaths, with a lot of disassociation.
It seems that even though I had the mental knowledge to deal with the trauma, my chemistry was so out of balance I couldn't process the information correctly.
Maybe looking into changing your chemistry, along with the breathing, would help prepare you for what additional hypnotherapy may reveal.

 

[EmeraldHope]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

Can I ask how long and how often you have been doing ee, EmeraldHope?

I have been doing EE now for about 2 months TruthSeeker. So not very long at all yet.

 

[truth seeker]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

Can I ask how long and how often you have been doing ee, EmeraldHope?

I have been doing EE now for about 2 months TruthSeeker. So not very long at all yet.

And roughly how often (once, twice a week?). Just asking to get a better idea of where you're at.

 

[EmeraldHope]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

EmeraldHope, I am sorry for your pain. I have found that dietary changes, detoxing, and the EE breathing have been vital for the healing of my personal childhood trauma. I tend to shake uncontrollably when around sociopaths and psychopaths, with a lot of disassociation.
It seems that even though I had the mental knowledge to deal with the trauma, my chemistry was so out of balance I couldn't process the information correctly.
Maybe looking into changing your chemistry, along with the breathing, would help prepare you for what additional hypnotherapy may reveal.

Nwigal - your shaking is closer to the kind of reaction I am describing here except tears coming out of my eyes is involved in my instance. But ,it is as you say, uncontrollable. It isnt painful though, as crazy as that sounds. I would better describe it as annoying, lol.

I am quite certain my chemistry is out of whack. In 2005 I had started detoxing and doing body cleansing via a naturopath. I was doing very well with it. I hit a snag though because I started getting access to the fleeting images abouth this issue I mentioned above as well a lot of other illusions getting torn down. It shook my core a bit and thew me off track. I got stuck in the food for emotional comfort trap for a while as it is a issue I have that relates to my grandmother mostly. I have been stuck there until recently, when I have been able to figure that out , via a dream. She was a huge sacred cow for me. In the middle of this I lost my career and my house and had to downsize everything, which I actually think is a good thing, but it added even more stuff to process and I found a lot more i's. This has all been layers upon layers of stuff. Hopefully I can address the chemistry now from a more stable standpoint without one of these programs throwing me off this time.

 

[EmeraldHope]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

Can I ask how long and how often you have been doing ee, EmeraldHope?

I have been doing EE now for about 2 months TruthSeeker. So not very long at all yet.

And roughly how often (once, twice a week?). Just asking to get a better idea of where you're at.

It has only been about twice a week thus far. I am trying to get things better organized so that I can try to do it daily.
I have done so much work through the yucky stuff ( 10yrs of it, lol) I feel like it is time to start putting in the good stuff. That is a one of the main reasons I too wanted to start participating here, so I can network, as that is good. Up until now I hadn't been at a point where I could do that. During some of these stages it was almost a question of live or die? good or bad? up or down? I made my decision though so here I am.

 

[Iron]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

If time constraints are keeping you from doing EE every day, do only the most important part, the meditation/prayer of the soul just before sleeping. Its just 10 minutes or so, and goes a long way!

If you have time in the mornings you can do the 3 stage breathing alone, or with warriors breath every day.

Just remember that you can break down the program and get results.
Just dont forget to do the bioenergetic breathing/Beatha only two times a week or just once, or even omit for a while if you feel overwhelmed.
The meditation can be done every day just before sleeping, as can the 3 stage breathing in the morning.

edit: Ocurred to me afterwards, that if you do not find someone with similar experiences here on the forum, and your learning resources as to how to solve this situation are exausted, it may be a good question to ask to the C's.

 

[EmeraldHope]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

Iron,

Thank you for the suggestion on asking the C's. I am going to give it some time working with increasing the EE/meditation/bio breathing first. I just saw your edit so I apologize for the delay in my response. The crazy thing about this particualr issue is that I have no clue if I am making progress because specific situations have to arise to trigger it and they do not happen all that often.

 

[Nienna]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

Just to clarify, EmeralHope, the whole EE program is recommended to be done only twice a week as it is an intense way to bring up repressed emotions.

We do also recommend to do the three stage breathing everyday, and some people like to include the warrior's breath with it, and to do the Prayer of the Soul every night before going to sleep. If you are too tired to participate in the meditation, then just playing it while you go to sleep is also beneficial.

If the repressed emotions coming to the front is too overpowering, then skip the bio-energetic breathing for a couple of months or so until you feel more in control and then try it again.

Any questions, don't hesitate to ask. :)

 

[EmeraldHope]

Re: Emotions and self-observation

Thanks Nienna,
I was going to increase the whole program to 3 times a week and the meditation and three stage/warrior's breath to everyday. I will hold back to 2 times a week on the whole program if you think 3 is too much. So far the bioenergetic breathing hasn't been a problem for me really ( nothing overwhleming I mean, I do get some releases) so I didn't think increasing it to 3 would be bad. But I certainly do not want to overwhelm myself, so I will keep it to 2.