Hi All,
Thought I'd check in with an update before catching up the the thread (just a few pages behind). Its a bit long, quite a bit has happened in a roundabout way.
The last few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster with the EE program, things were going well and I was doing the full program twice a week with no real drama coming up during the sessions, some body sensations, tingling, a few pains here and there but nothing that didn't pass fairly quickly. Occasionally it seems like there's an emotional break point coming, and that brings some fear and anxiety with it, but in the end nothing comes.
What has happened instead as a few others have noted is that things seem to be being processed in between the sessions, with emotions are coming up and psychological stability breaking down to a point couple of weeks back where life was pretty messy. I couldn't think straight, my thoughts and actions were snappy, moody, irritable, vengeful, there was an underling sadness that wouldn't seem to lift.
It got to the point where I was being rather horrible at home, not nice to be around, but with my thought process in the mess it was in I of course blamed all these woes on those around me. Amazing to see it happen really, it was is if all the work that had been done to try and see my own programs and narcissistic traits in action had been wiped away. I fell right back into old ways, lost faith in the work, the process, my partner everything. I felt trapped and wanted to 'escape' from what I perceived to be the sources of the problems. I was very wrong about it all though. :/
So I get to a point (with a head cold on the go to give the excuse to myself) of not doing the breathing at all, or the prayer very often. Energy went, motivation went, dark moods continued. I did nothing to help myself, the opposite in fact, comfort eating (sugar), escaping into watching films or whatever, or escaping into sleep (the other kind).
In the end though, what there was during this time of 'stewing' was time to think. Slowly you go through things, start to see yourself again, and I got to the point where I'd had enough, I want to do, I want to change, to grow. So I came back and started reading the EE thread. And I think that's what kick started getting things back online for me, there was a quote that I can't find again now about seeing that the anger etc that had been directed outwards to psychopaths and the world they created were equally facets of what we can have within ourselves.
I think it rang true here for all the evil and sources of irritation, upset and anger I thought I was seeing in others were really parts of myself. THAT is how I was treating others, the 'world was falling apart' because of my narcissistic projections, blaming everyone and everything else for making my life 'so hard'.
Its true we need a radical reassessment of ourselves, what we think we are and start from there. Oh boy, there's a lot to make up for, much hurt and injustice to undo… and if I want to do that I really have to pay attention and work on changing things.
But its amazing what you can do once you catch such a glimpse of yourself, make adjustments. Just as thing went south very quickly, so they come back into balance also. Life at home is back on an even keel (with the person whom just a few short weeks ago I want to move away from), energy is back, I'm back to breathing twice a week, doing the controlled breathing and prayer when I can and often. Just goes to show how completely wrong your own thoughts can be.
So that seems to be the way for me, up and down every few weeks like an emotional yo-yo. That's twice its gone through a cycle like that now, at least now I know to be much more careful and pay attention if things start sliding again.
I'm thankful to all those that have shared their experiences here, it provided some shocks that were needed to get things moving again, that and knowing that others are going through similar things, though not always in the same way. I come to see how important it is to share, to help each other through the process by passing on what we experienced.
Onwards and upwards…
Have you tried playing the DVD's on another computer?
