There are a few ideas that manage to get me out of the dark loop, and in fact put me in a 'zen' kind of state in which all is good. One thought is, like you say, that while I can imagine everyone I know not liking me, even hating me, I cannot imagine the DCM not loving me, because it is in the nature of the Absolute to equally love angels and devils, the high and the low. So even if I am garbage, at least the DCM accepts me as I am, and this becomes very comforting as I pray every night.
Another idea is related to what you say about self-hating being pure internal considering. When I am in the loop, it is 'all about me', a realization which at first makes me hate myself even more for being so self-centered, but then I begin to regain peace and 'zen' if I try to focus on what the DCM, manifested through all and everyone I know, needs from me. How to love unconditionally. In other words, trying to make the DCM my 'beloved', and when I manage to focus on that idea, my own sufferings start to seem very insignificant and what I get out of life, whether 'good' or 'bad', becomes incidental and of secondary importance. So I feel fine, until after a few days when I get back into the depressing wave.
Today I thought of something else. That precisely because I have been struggling and suffering inside all these months - or perhaps all my life, in a sense - then it is unlikely that I lack a soul, or at least a seed of a soul, because something inside is fighting. That gives me hope that I can become a better person. Although the process seems to take ages.
Finally, a few days ago I also thought that if I wanted to repay to the DCM for my past sins and mistakes, the way to do it was not to live forever in self-punishment, as that does my 'beloved' no good at all, which is all that matters, in the end. On the contrary, I had to strive to be that better person, and learn to love perfectly and truly, without expecting anything in return, as that was the only payment that would do any good at all.
