Pardon the length, not sure if I should post this here or in a separate thread, but it seemed appropriate. To preface I haven't been keeping regular with the program, I'm not even caught up with the thread. It started at the beginning of the month and since I've been doing it sporadically. I keep the POTS nightly, when I can. I also do the pipe breaths as needed and have been reciting the POTS on my walk to work in the morning (in my head). I think 'something' is coming, and it's kinda freaky, but at the same time expected and welcome - then again I could just be blowing smoke.
Buddy said:
The little bit of experience I have dealing with these kinds of feelings has led me to more memories of some pretty severe 'stops' that were put on my expressiveness, energy, enthusiasm and 'wanting to do' in my childhood years.
I've had a few of these hit me, and I'd like to share them just for the sake of expressing it 'out loud'. When I was in elementary school, perhaps around the age of ten, or maybe younger, our school offered to teach us a musical instrument. I wanted to learn the saxophone, but it was expensive, and I wasn't sure if I would like it or not. My father would only let me do it if i would 'stick with it' because of the cost involved in procuring the instrument. I remember being in tears, arguing that I didn't know if I would stick with it because I haven't tried it yet, and to him, that was a good enough reason to say No.
I feel like this formed, or contributed to a program of me quitting things before I even start them, or failing that quitting outright for fear of failure. It gets confusing, and for some reason there's another memory that's popping up. I was fifteen, working a horrible low-pay job at Dominos pizza taking deliveries over the phone and punching them into the computer. I worked at it for a few months, hated it, and wanted to quit. Again my father 'wouldn't let me', he said something about not letting his son be a quitter, I said I'd find another job, but he remained stalwart and refused to 'allow' me to quit.
I ended up quitting, or getting fired for not showing up for one of my shifts, which triggered a confrontation between me and my father. We got into a shouting match, he said some pretty harsh things, calling me a quitter, a baby (I was in tears), I don't really remember much else. After feeling exasperated and 'done' with the conversation, convinced nothing I could say would dent his mental armor, I left, went upstairs to my room and slammed the door, crying in my bed. The slam 'triggered' him and he came hulking up the stairs and banged on my door (it was locked). For some reason I went to answer it, I think I was afraid he'd break it down, and he continued to verbally assault me as tears, snot and screams left me. My fist was balled so tightly, I told him to back off, that he was asking for a fight and I refused to engage him because he was my father. He called me a wuss, a baby, and my mom and sister crying/yelling at him to stop finally worked and he walked away. I left the house to go stay at a friends.
This reminds me of all through my schooling, my grades were never enough to please my father. He was proud, encouraging, but always pointing out some flaw. An A was good, but a B+ in another subject wasn't. Nothing short of straight A's was 'good enough' because it was 'within my potential' and I was always being told how I 'lacked motivation'. I think this manifested more as I aged, becoming a full fledged program during high school. I did enough to 'get by' but never more, I didn't care. I didn't want straight A's to please him, I didn't want to please him, I wanted to hurt him and I did that through not making grades.
This continued in high school and also in the work. It's a potential I find difficult to reach. I try, and I fail. I try again, fail again. I still enjoy being 'me' even though I want 'me' to 'die'. Perhaps that will come on its own as I continue to try, and fail, and try again. Oxajil's bit really hit me.
Oxajil said:
I'm glad it can help people! It's okay if you let the program run and can't stop it. I've been trying for so long, I've tried all kind of methods and tactics to make it stop running and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It was getting really frustrating at some point! I somehow think it is kind of a process you know. I somehow think that every time we struggle we become stronger and stronger, no matter if we lose or win. As long as we don't Give Up. And as long as we keep on amplifying our STO frequency by reading, researching and networking, I think we will win in the end.
There will come a moment that you will say: No more. And you will know. Just keep on working on Yourself and if you let it run, it's okay, don't beat yourself up for it. Just try to fight it and ask The Divine Cosmic Mind, God, Higher Self or Jesus (or anyone you feel comfortable with) for help if you're struggling. I think that might help Smiley You're not alone in this one.
Now I'm remembering some universal hate I felt angled at God when I discovered my homosexuality. I hated him for making me what I was. I feel this is all connected to a 'worthiness' program I have, I feel 'not good enough' to deserve to be here. I feel like I'm faking it. I want to be here to be, but at the same time I don't know if it's what I really want. Perhaps I'm confusing the predator's mind with my own feelings, I'm sure of it, but there's still doubt, still a desire to fight psychopaths, to fight the aliens physically or psychically or with 'superpowers'. To be a bigger, badder STS then they are so I can destroy them. It's silly, stupid, foolish - but there it is.
I really wish 'I' would 'die'.
I'll try accelerating the program, perhaps daily, now that I have two weeks off from work for the holidaze.
