Éiriú-Eolas - Breathing Program

[Brenda86]

Buddy:

I don't know about anyone else, or what they will say, but to me what you said here makes a lot of sense. I could almost feel it just resonating with something inside me.

Especially this part:

I can see a comparison of this experience to our feelings of self-hate and such, as being somewhat similar. Somewhere, at some point in time, something happened and we got disconnected from ground, and now, emotionally speaking, we have little footing, so our attention follows the flow into a vortex that starts at the surface level and slowly sinks downward, eventually gaining more and more momentum until it all drains into a black hole of pretense to non-being if we don't stop it.

And I started thinking about how any feeling we have about ourselves can cause us to spiral downward, even "good" feelings about ourselves, if they have no 'grounding'.

First, you must accept, temporarily, and for a moment, that the story is true on it's face. Then you look for the underlying data/facts on which it's based in order to see it for yourself.

And I was thinking this is why it is so important for us to observe ourselves first before we try to change anything. If you are operating under self-hate, you must observe yourself to find out what it is that is leading you to feel this way - am I really so loathsome? Well, let me look at what I am doing, thinking, etc. - which I think is what most of us are trying to do. But it just clicked when I was reading what you wrote here... the importance of finding 'ground', so your thoughts/emotions about yourself or anything else don't spiral out of control.

I hope I'm making sense. But I'm glad you posted this, Buddy.

 

[Buddy]

Thanks, Brenda. I probably could have done a better job with the explanation. I'm really trying to put this hyperdimensional and density models to the test by using what I'm learning about narcissism, cognitive and psycho-pathology and everything else. Maybe this is just my way of experiencing insights as things start clicking together for me.

The hardest, most emotional parts of this Work are the realizations of having had to witness a parent talk about how much they love you while you are actually seeing hatred and dislike, and as an adult, hearing about how much you are 'loved' while you're being subject to mental and emotional manipulation and abuse typical of narcissistic dynamics. It has been very painful for me to bear the brunt of knowing the truth about myself and others - namely that 'love' has been a lie from the start and that I have played a part in perpetuating the illusion.

As a child , we lose our ground when we start to deny the evidence of our own senses in favor of the fantasy that we really are loved unconditionally - when the facts are that we are unwanted, in someones' way, unloved, as well as demanding, immature, obstinate, ugly and all kinds of things from the other's point of view and at certain times. But we are lied to and we learn to believe the lies or go schizoid because we don't know how to address the contradictions between the words and the behavior, nor can we leave the relationship. (Standard double-bind elements)

Later, as we do the Work and start learning more about what has happened, we start realizing the role we played, and still play in many cases, in our own deception and the deceptions towards others. Who can not feel bad about themselves then? That's where the 'ground' comes in and whenever we start to have these feelings, we need to accept them as the truth as it exists in its own false context and then dig out the data that explains all this in the context of our own experience so that we stay connected to our ground of objective knowledge.

Accepting the truth sounds easy, but it emphatically is not! Negative emotional reactions to many things are, in fact, denials, or attempts to NOT accept what is in front of us at the moment. Or so it has been in my case.

Does this make sense?

I just wanted to add all this in an attempt to clarify the previous post if needed.

 

[Luis Miguel]

Thank you RedFox for sharing your experience and feelings, I'm through something kind of similar too, even the under-weight issue. All your observations have helped me to make new self-observations and connections, it's funny, even kind of synchronic, because I'm dealing with these issues in therapy too, and in this regard the EE program has been invaluable for me, has helped me a lot to work out this issues. And the feelings of sadness, weakness, apathy, passivity, etc., has been replaced lately with strength, courage, motivation, joy and hope, lots of hope, something that I didn’t allow myself to feel.

[…] and not really talked about it because, ironically, I don't quite believe that I deserve to be listened, nor that anyone cares, nor am I sure that my feelings have any objective justification at all.

The same happens to me, I feel like I don't deserve to be listened, more in the emotional area, one of my programs is the difficulty to talk about my feelings, because of what you mentioned.

Finally, a few days ago I also thought that if I wanted to repay to the DCM for my past sins and mistakes, the way to do it was not to live forever in self-punishment, as that does my 'beloved' no good at all, which is all that matters, in the end. On the contrary, I had to strive to be that better person, and learn to love perfectly and truly, without expecting anything in return, as that was the only payment that would do any good at all.

Thanks for this words WK.

I've been doing the EE program since August, with very good results, at the beginning I was anticipating the results, I wanted fast changes in the emotional area, a quick fix, so to speak, and I was doing it every day, even the Beatha part. Well, it move a lot of emotions that I thought that were dealt with, for example all of a sudden the sadness returned - escorted by its good friend defeatism - you know, through all my life I've been feeling a deep and strange sadness of unknown origin - so I slow down the pace a little bit and tried to work this out cognitively too - the therapy and the readings have helped too - (through this part the EE practice became intermittent) - also the dreams became a little too much catastrophic :P, various dreams about earthquakes, very strong ones, meteorites, a lot of them, and even a couple of tsunamis, hehe, something else?! And even a couple of dreams with some situations were some strong programs returned at its maximum level. - Well, I was relating this dreams too my inner state. - Also since that time I'm very sensitive, you know, movies, songs, even news that are not “so sad”, make me cry. Also, during the Beatha part I cried a couple of times as I never done since I was a child, it was releasing in many ways.

Since that moment I stoped the anticipation an started to do the Beatha part just a couple of times per week, and in general, till now, the program has helped me in a lot of ways, a clear mind and thoughts, I found myself more motivated and focused in my objectives, and as I mentioned has give me a lot of hope . Lately the Beatha exercise leave me energized and with a feeling of courage -good one-. The 3 stage breathing give me a lot of energy, and sometimes I feel goose pumps like in waves, and heat in my hands. At the meditation part I’ve just been able to zone out three times - you know, I kind of stink at meditation related activities :P, it was very difficult for me to focus, to turn off the internal parrot, so to speak :P, - but now, with the practice it's more easy.

 

[Richs]

Another idea is related to what you say about self-hating being pure internal considering. When I am in the loop, it is 'all about me', a realization which at first makes me hate myself even more for being so self-centered, but then I begin to regain peace and 'zen' if I try to focus on what the DCM, manifested through all and everyone I know, needs from me. How to love unconditionally. In other words, trying to make the DCM my 'beloved', and when I manage to focus on that idea, my own sufferings start to seem very insignificant and what I get out of life, whether 'good' or 'bad', becomes incidental and of secondary importance. So I feel fine, until after a few days when I get back into the depressing wave.

It seems the more we focus on other people, their feelings and their problems, the less we feel so sorry for ourselves. Try to keep in mind that we are doing what we do here for all of humanity. Yes, we benefit from what we learn here and the EE program and other things, but it is that we are attempting to learn to 'serve self by serving others'. Most of us here are not yet 'perfected beings', so don't think you do not belong here because we are all still learning the best we can.

I try to keep in mind as much as possible what all of humanity is up against. This makes my little personal problems fade into insignificance.
Try it...

Moderator: Fixed quote code.

 

[tykes]

As a child , we lose our ground when we start to deny the evidence of our own senses in favor of the fantasy that we really are loved unconditionally - when the facts are that we are unwanted, in someones' way, unloved, as well as demanding, immature, obstinate, ugly and all kinds of things from the other's point of view and at certain times. But we are lied to and we learn to believe the lies or go schizoid because we don't know how to address the contradictions between the words and the behavior, nor can we leave the relationship. (Standard double-bind elements)

Later, as we do the Work and start learning more about what has happened, we start realizing the role we played, and still play in many cases, in our own deception and the deceptions towards others. Who can not feel bad about themselves then? That's where the 'ground' comes in and whenever we start to have these feelings, we need to accept them as the truth as it exists in its own false context and then dig out the data that explains all this in the context of our own experience so that we stay connected to our ground of objective knowledge.

Accepting the truth sounds easy, but it emphatically is not! Negative emotional reactions to many things are, in fact, denials, or attempts to NOT accept what is in front of us at the moment. Or so it has been in my case.

I found this amazingly clear, like a scheme of thought. In the early phase where i think i am, often i find awfully difficult to stay connected as you say, to the ground of objective knowledge. Even sometimes i feel desperate and unable to do or act in favor of anything positive ( i mean, the concepts that now i know are positive in order to get conciusness): When this disconnection happens, in a certain way i realize that i am losing the perspective but while it is ocurring i can´t help it and then that finally traps me and i´m lost again. So when you put it in these terms Buddy you are really turnig on some lights for those people like me who are trying to deal with their narcissistic wounds for the firs time.

Another thing that comes to my mind while reading your post was an experience i used to have when i started to meditate several years ago before i found this wonderful teachings. I never considered it so much important, but now i think have some sense at least as a thought pattern. Frequently as i was breathing with my eyes closed and trying to stop my mind from wandering, i used to have sort of imagination (though i was never sure of "create" such an imagination) where i could see my mental process and even if a real understanding it was imposible, i used to felt or imagined my mind expanding, again now i know that sucha thing it´s only possible through hard work and acquiring real knowledge, but then it was an odd to experience since to see that caused me the impression of unblocking something in my mind but just when the "unblocking" happened other mechanisms were activated too, and i used to see this mechanisms "repairing" a fugue, working hard to make me forget, to make me lose myself again, and this is what practically always ocurred, i ended confused because i felt i was experiencing something important that could help me to progress but i couldn´t´t get it or even remember well what happened.

After reading the Cass material and some of the psycology works (about the negative introject especially) i could undestand a little bit better issues like that though still is very hard to apply it and the disconnection of the objective knowledge ocurrs quite often. Nevertheless, as i said before i found your explanation very clear, and at this time of my learning process very helpful, Thank you Buddy :)

 

[Oxajil]

I slept lightly, and had some weird old experiences......including something black appearing to my left hand side and grabbing and pulling on my arm. I tried to shout at it (and no sound came out)...so I screamed at it with all my might in my mind and woke up. Reminded me of the eclipsing thought centres Laura posted about......but it was probably nothing.

That reminds me so much of a ''dream'' I had in the past! (Before EE)
I dreamt that I was at a party. Suddenly an old woman was grabbing my left arm. (I somehow felt that this ''woman'' was not part of my dream)
Then I ''woke up'' laying in my bed and my arm was still being hold. I look at the left and I see this girl with black hair sitting on the ground and grabbing my arm pretty tight. She was looking down, so I couldn't see her face. I then hit her on the head (I know, quite mean of me...) and told her to let go. I'm not sure if there came sound out or not.
After some punches... I really woke up.

It all felt pretty real. Strange.

 

[SeekinTruth]

And when I'm not visualizing, there are flashes of "visions" of things I can barely make out. I don't really put to much importance into them -- just try to pay attention generally, but maybe they will become clearer with time.

I used to have those, but they stopped. They were impressions more than visions in my case, since I could not make out what they were at all. It feels like your mind is sorting through tapes and tapes of memory, from present and past lives, and you just see it in Fast forward until he finds something, stores it or discards it somewhere.. I always want to press "pause" to see but I don't have that function on my mind VCR

LOL! Yeah, that would be nifty to "pause," but I guess just letting things take their course, eventually it will all sort out.

So for the last couple of days I have observed this word failure. What did it mean to me. And lots of things have came up. In my current position in life I feel very much a failure. With my career, detoxing, financially. I have not been in such a position before or ignored it. So there must be a deep rooted feeling of failure. Even though finding this work done here, which is a huge blessing, I feel that I am not living up to the goals set forth here. Judge myself very harshly. So am going to take the advice of writing my life on paper to see where it goes, if I can manage not failing to this as well.

Any words of insight would be most welcome.

Hi, Bluestar. I don't have any profound insights to offer, but I would just say be gentle on yourself and continue with EE and also with detoxing, the Work on the self, etc. "Failure" is a given in the process of the Work. The important thing to remember is that it IS a process, and to just keep going as best you can. Eventually you do have enough small successes accumulate that these current "failures" begin to recede and new, more "difficult" challenges replace them.

I think Don Juan had a quote to Castaneda I can't remember exactly at the moment, but it was something like: "A warrior knows that failures are inevitable on his journey; the difference is that a warrior is not disappointed with himself for the failures." The point being that the real success (and what makes a "warrior" different than an "ordinary" person) is to continue on the path despite the inevitable failures. You probably already know on some level that judging yourself (or anyone/anything else) very harshly is counterproductive (and counter to STO). Understanding is much more useful, so continuing the process, doing what's required to reach greater understanding is what counts. And "living up to the goals set forth here" IS to continue on the path, participate in the overall goals -- help yourself AND others -- and do what is in you to do.

After all, as the C's say, All there is is Lessons.... I hope that helps in some way.

 

[Bluestar]

Hi Bluestar,

"If I can manage not failing to this as well."

Did you notice how this sentence tends to expect/confirm failure? A little like a self-fulfilling prophecy? If you judge yourself harshly, something I also battle with, please do not read this as criticism but instead asking a question that I think might help. What I am wondering is whether you've noticed/observed your speech/thought patterns on this to create some distance, or detachment, FROM the thoughts and mind itself? Or is it a loop of failure, blame, angry, feel bad, more thoughts about failure, sad, upset, ....rinse, cycle and repeat, ad infinitum nauseam.

After rereading my post and your words Leoursa, yes I believe my words do expect & confirm my thoughts of failure. Been really looking at it all objectively. Even started my life story on paper. Having done some work on this I can see where some of these programs have been written. Many times as a child I would start a project or want to learn something, like the violin. There was not any encouragement from the adults in my life. On the contrary I was always told I could not do it, not good enough. Not blaming anyone here, just observing where these programs MAY have come from. Also realizing that having trouble finding full time work is a result of our economy and though I have applied to hundreds of jobs, there are many more hundreds applying for the same job and it is not me who is a failure at finding a good job, just the present situation.

Seeing that I do judge myself harshly, not so much others, or maybe I do, not sure. But I do so on myself and this is something that the advice given in these past posts are coming in to aid me in my awareness of them. After reading what you wrote above, I see a dangerous loop here. I can see as others had posted about a spiraling downward swoop and now can watch out for this. What Buddy wrote about the energy swirls make so much sense to me that I can picture it now when those types of thoughts and feeling arise. I too had felt a bit of anger in regards to the H1N1 vaccine news and thought "of course they have to "sell" more vaccines" But I caught myself before letting the anger set in and focused on the fact that I did not know to much about it and should not judge before knowing the facts.

Thank you Seekin Truth, your words are very wise, needing to be gentle with myself during this process. And if I am not successful within the moment, at least becoming aware of it may help me be strong in the next moment. I was able to do pipe breathe late Monday night along with POTS and I had no issues of breathing problems. Maybe the suffocating feeling I was having was a past life or present life memory? Just needed to experience the emotions I felt to process through it all. The weird part was hearing "failure" so clear and loud. Am reading ISOTM chapter 13 and G talks about personality essence. Will have to really look into myself to see where this word fits into my being.

Thank you both for your assistance and words of encouragement. And to all for all the great advice. The process is not easy, but with all of you standing in the wings makes it all the more feesable to work out.

 

[veronica33]

i couldn't stop laughing with the first CD while breading i vie done some yoga before but the feeling is completely different in my training in martial arts i developed incredible awareness in almost every aspect of my life and i could control my emotions almost pretty well , it was no long ago i realized that i had to deal and basically i understood the "variables" of daily life so i also could know the source of it.
i lost almost all balance after i came to us and stop my training which by the way was at the same time. I've never felt this horrible way before; but as time went by everything specially now things have gotten what we call "better" hehe nevertheless ... allways paying attention to my history......
i feel quiet different than before i think, is because I'm merging both personalities together or at least that's what i feel and think.
back on those days i felt extremely relaxed and happy (but candy could be sicken) the question immediately answered was why ??? my belief of the situation was: "i was running out of knowledge" i couldn't think more than my physical body.... is like igniting a match you NEED heat, oxygen and fuel
and as the events have presented to me i find no other explanation.
situations in life become experiences, if you choose them to be knowledge they will... may be this drama in my life is the fuel i need and the Eíriú-Eolas program the oxygen

thanks laura and thanks everyone
pd: i was being attacked just like Don, but i just waited for death . not so long ago my mind went over me extreme emotions of anger and hate dragged me the day after i found the last session this is working but it smeels like trap ahead , and yeah im a boy

 

[veronica33]

with the second CD i felt like dying when i stood up i felt my body expanding it was all during the "ba ha " part i felt my hands like asleep like when you are lying in a certain position you get this feeling of piercing but sleepy too.
it didn't last but i can recall old thoughts and create new ones
my whole body expanding in that sensation too when i woke up , but i felt like when i had this breakdown in jun felt something like that.

 

[StandingOnTheEdge]

I am writing my first post to this thread although I have been practicing EE breathing since July. I want to thank each of you for your contributions to this thread, because obviously you are changing, and for the first time I realize I am too.

My experiences have been gentle, subtle and very loving. I feel fortunate that this program put me on the ‘low slope’ as opposed to the steep one. I so much appreciate the ‘rock climbers’ of this group for facing your difficulties and being met with the gentle support of those who’ve experienced its effects. However, I admit to a bit of jealousy in not experiencing the profundity of what this program can do from those whose path is steep.

It’s been since before Thanksgiving that I have been able to do the full program in one sitting, so yesterday I took my iPod with Laura’s graceful voice outdoors. Outdoors for me is a bench on a grassy hillside overlooking the whole Monterey Bay in central California. Even with such a view, I found that closing my eyes helps to focus my breathing. When I finished, I slowly opened my eyes, and upon viewing this vista, it was hard to tell where I left off and everything else began.

I carried this feeling back into my office, and I reflected on my own being. I saw how much of ‘not me’ there is to ‘me’. I was looking at all the programs, those pesky negative introjects, the predator brain, the Personality, the defense weapons, the place where I hide, the 'me' that causes others sorrow and the 'me' that looks down on all the 987 other 'me’s'.

I am not ‘there’ yet, but it seems like I am readying myself to face the Unknown. I have all of you to thank. Most recently, Trevrizent’s posting in the Swamp about “The hermit with narcissistic parents, his dreams and thoughts” was a tipping point for my self examination of an internal narcissistic pattern. As a result, I am going to be hypnotized to reach back into my past to understand some of my roadblocks.

The last 2 Saturdays have been spent learning Shinpiden Reiki after having attained Master/Teacher level in the western style. With this new approach, I have found a deeper level of meaning and how Usui intended this program to lead to enlightenment, with healing as somewhat of a side-effect.

The last 2-3 weeks have been a turning point in a relationship with a friend who presents most of the symptoms of the Narcissist. His depth of knowledge in esotericism came from the teachings of Krishnamurti and David Bohm, and he and I delved into these teachings with the joy of discovery. Just yesterday I discovered some biographical material on Krishnamurti that seems to put him in the same category as my narcissist friend. I realize that whoever wrote these memoirs has their own agenda in relation to Krishnamurti, but I tried to check several sources before reporting these observations.

Upon these last weeks of reflection, the Trevrizent thread, the Reiki, the de-tox diet, the exercises and a ding-dang bathroom remodel, the normal flow of life switched course. I realized my friend could not be a friend, and perhaps some day that could change. The fog is lifting around the ‘me’s’ that aren’t me, and I am beginning to see a bean-sized body of light inside myself that needs to shine. How appropriate that the observation is made so near the Winter Solstice.

I apologize for the length of this post, but I want to leave you with a bit of something I am learning. Don’t let fear, anxiety, anger, negativity stop you from EE. Be gentle on yourself, step back and observe those fears and anxieties. There is joy awaiting.

I await the arrival of the big 5 books…

Happy Holidays to all of you,
StandingOnTheEdge

 

[kannas]

I appreciate the first post to this thread by StandingOnTheEdge as I can relate. Thank you, StandingOnTheEdge for stating this:

Don’t let fear, anxiety, anger, negativity stop you from EE. Be gentle on yourself, step back and observe those fears and anxieties. There is joy awaiting.

So, I decided to make my first post. I've been listening to the entire EE program at the EE site. I'll be downloading this on my iPod soon to try the full program.

I've only been doing the Pipe Breath since around Thanksgiving. Each time I would do the Pipe Breath I would cry a lot afterward until I was cried out. A lot of memories would well up either about friendships I had or about my childhood relationships with family. With the friendships, I've dealt with mainly narcissistic friends. One friend has given up on me because I have been reading at Cassiopaea. She's against the teachings and the Cassiopaea material. So, I've had that going on as well as realizing the programs, feedings, and honestly facing the narcissistic type of friendships I've had without making excuses. The Pipe Breath brought this up and out; hence, crying. Then for about three days last week it actually felt like a pipe was in my chest after doing the Pipe Breath. That was weird; however, I just observed the feeling of it. Today, I was felt calm and clear after doing the Pipe Breath. The Prayer of the Soul has brought about dreams as if I have some type of anti-virus program cleaning my system out. That is the best way I can describe this for now.

After reading this thread and my own experience with the Pipe Breath and Prayer, I've been a little hesitant to do any more. I shall, though. Three of the recommended top four books in psychology came in today, and I will be starting with Myth of Sanity today.

 

[Nienna]

There is also the possibility of the feeling being related to past life experiences. You might want to keep track of dreams. There was a recent one posted that seemed to be a past life memory of a life as a slave. There are all kinds of situations that a person can get into that would produce that "self-hatred" or anger at the self that could be carried over.

Will do. Most of my dreams seem to be either totally mundane or involve space stations/futuristic high tech at the moment

Hi Redfox,

A question for you. I was going to post this earlier this morning when I first read it, but thought it was not important. Thinking about it during the day, I have changed my mind and am going to ask.

Why do you think that these futuristic dreams are not a past life experience? We must remember that outside of our illusion, there is no linear time. So these could have, in fact, been past life experiences in a future time, yes? After all if there is no past or future, we can have past lives anywhere in "time". You could have just experienced a future past life. ;)

Just food for thought.

 

[Nienna]

Another idea is related to what you say about self-hating being pure internal considering. When I am in the loop, it is 'all about me', a realization which at first makes me hate myself even more for being so self-centered, but then I begin to regain peace and 'zen' if I try to focus on what the DCM, manifested through all and everyone I know, needs from me. How to love unconditionally. In other words, trying to make the DCM my 'beloved', and when I manage to focus on that idea, my own sufferings start to seem very insignificant and what I get out of life, whether 'good' or 'bad', becomes incidental and of secondary importance. So I feel fine, until after a few days when I get back into the depressing wave.

It seems the more we focus on other people, their feelings and their problems, the less we feel so sorry for ourselves. Try to keep in mind that we are doing what we do here for all of humanity. Yes, we benefit from what we learn here and the EE program and other things, but it is that we are attempting to learn to 'serve self by serving others'. Most of us here are not yet 'perfected beings', so don't think you do not belong here because we are all still learning the best we can.

I try to keep in mind as much as possible what all of humanity is up against. This makes my little personal problems fade into insignificance.
Try it...

Moderator: Fixed quote code.

I think that this is something that we should all keep in mind, including myself.

I think that it is very important to finally be getting to the bottom of what is causing these feelings of worthlessness, failure, self-hate - and I'm talking about myself here.

But now that we are seeing where the problems stem from, we need to start working on letting them pass. Rewiring the brain, not letting these negative introjects continue to ruin and run our lives.

I have been indulging my inner child of late, giving her the things she wants/needs. I have been finding the root causes of a lot of these probelms that I am facing and once known, it is easy to see them coming and override them before they can take control. I have also been doing the "woe is me" thing a little too much and need to pull myself out of this negative loop.

Richard S. is right. There are millions of people out there who don't know it, but they are depending on us to get our acts together and get this show on the road. We need to start helping ourselves by helping others.

And, like Redfox is now doing when hearing the insidious whispers of the negative introject, I am going to say, "Sez who?!?"

 

[anart]

I appreciate the first post to this thread by StandingOnTheEdge as I can relate. Thank you, StandingOnTheEdge for stating this:

Don’t let fear, anxiety, anger, negativity stop you from EE. Be gentle on yourself, step back and observe those fears and anxieties. There is joy awaiting.

So, I decided to make my first post. I've been listening to the entire EE program at the EE site. I'll be downloading this on my iPod soon to try the full program.

I've only been doing the Pipe Breath since around Thanksgiving. Each time I would do the Pipe Breath I would cry a lot afterward until I was cried out. A lot of memories would well up either about friendships I had or about my childhood relationships with family. With the friendships, I've dealt with mainly narcissistic friends. One friend has given up on me because I have been reading at Cassiopaea. She's against the teachings and the Cassiopaea material. So, I've had that going on as well as realizing the programs, feedings, and honestly facing the narcissistic type of friendships I've had without making excuses. The Pipe Breath brought this up and out; hence, crying. Then for about three days last week it actually felt like a pipe was in my chest after doing the Pipe Breath. That was weird; however, I just observed the feeling of it. Today, I was felt calm and clear after doing the Pipe Breath. The Prayer of the Soul has brought about dreams as if I have some type of anti-virus program cleaning my system out. That is the best way I can describe this for now.

That's a great way to describe it, I think. I've processed more about relationships and wounds in my dreams since doing the POTS than I have in my whole life. There was a period of time there when every night, I'd have sequential dreams about one of my past relationships - a different relationship each night, and they always ended with me seeing the person for who they really were. Some of those mornings, I'd wake up feeling like I'd been working all night long! It's really quite remarkable.

After reading this thread and my own experience with the Pipe Breath and Prayer, I've been a little hesitant to do any more. I shall, though. Three of the recommended top four books in psychology came in today, and I will be starting with Myth of Sanity today.

The psychology books will be a huge helps, especially when it comes to 'acquaintances' who have given up on you - I mean, it's difficult to call such a person a friend. Just keep moving forward - slow and steady - and keep posting! :)