Éiriú-Eolas - Breathing Program

[RedFox]

Thanks everyone.
I will try writing/recording my past and let you know how I get on. I've done that a little in the past but have never tried to string it together. I kind of like the idea of speaking about it as well as writing.

Your thoughts about yourself are very sincere and honest, and they have quite an impact on me. No living being should hate themself!

To be honest I thought I had dealt with such thing before finding the forum....this is so much deeper and older and wordless....I didn't consciously know I hated myself so much! Bringing it to consciousness is painful, but at least now I can deal with it.
I don't hate myself...but a core part of me does/did. Its going to take some time to process.
Thanks for the quote.

What you are describing really makes me think of the Rejection wound in bio-energetics.
This wound usually appears before 1 year old. This wound is experienced with the parent of the same sex. People wounded this way are usually depressed, feel they don't deserve to live, that they are worth nothing, they dissociate a lot or are lost in wishful thinking, have difficulties staying grounded, they want to disappear.
Their appetite is suppressed by emotions, especially of fear and they very often are anorexic. They may resort to drugs or alcohol (fleeing). Other diseases also include diarrhea, nausea, arythmia, respiratory problems; allergies, etc.
But they may develop just about anything that will help them keep people at bay (body odor, acne, etc.) or help them 'flee' (psychosis, coma, etc.)

Wow....that seems to really fit. I'd already figured out that it must have been from about that age due to being wordless.
I had thought it was related to my mother more due to her being overly anxious when I was born. Will have to dig into this.....
Do you have any further info regarding this that may be of help??
I'd not talked about this before....because I didn't know it was there! Weird huh?

But i think that it is also important to keep in mind that you are not only that part of yourself, the tiny little infant within you stuck in time and feeling the self-hate and everything-hate. Since that time other parts of you have developed, and they are obvious from reading your posts here: you have a caring part, a nurturing part, a mature adult part, a seeker part, etc. And perhaps you can turn these aspects of yourself that you so generously share with others, inwardly, and assign them the role of the loving caretaker to that fearful, self-hate aspect of yourself. This is something i am applying myself in my inner landscape and it seems to be working. It won't turn everything roses overnight, it's a long process, and sure these self-hate feelings will emerge again and again, but they do diminish with time, this i can tell this far.

Once I realised what it was (named the nameless part of me and bring it to awareness I guess) I could change it.....or at least start to change it.
I do feel very protective to that hurt part of me....more so than when dealing with my past self hate (which I seemed to have been without for years now). It is interesting that while I keep this in awareness, and am gentle towards it.....I am in touch with my emotions. Or at least I feel more than when it is left to run, when that happens I don't feel the pain.
Its actually quite empowering to be aware and hold it in awareness.

Another thing that helps me is to look through my life and count my blessings, all the lucky turns i took and somehow managed to arrive here with you all, despite my self-destructive behaviours, on this great journey towards a better life, a better self, a better world. I am sure many of us can see this in our lives. Isn't this a confirmation that the Divine Cosmic Mind Loves us? :) Or so i think this far...

Indeed! I used that years ago to help me out of my depression (among other things). I actually feel incredibly blessed to be able to see part of me that was hidden and wordless. To have a chance at healing.

Writing your life story is enormously healing. It helps you to put things in perspective. If writing isn't your thing, then record it and just GET IT OUT. Hearing yourself speak the words can be a revelation.

I do like the idea of speaking some of it.
Perhaps I'm wrong but didn't you end up writing grace or the adventure series for the same reason?

Expect a certain amount of depression - that's normal. And DO THE POTS every night. Even if you aren't going to meditate along with it, play it so that the words sink deeply into your subconscious mind and awaken the creative forces within.

Will do.

Thanks again everyone

I don't know if it really means anything, but I felt like I should share because it was so vivid.

Well its possible it was a past life memory being processed.....like all dreams it may be worth looking at the emotional context and what it brought up in that regard. fwiw

 

[Buddy]

RedFox, the only thing I can offer is suggested by others, especially the idea of talking it out so that you can hear the words. It makes a difference for me. My 'feelings' guide me as to how to naturally describe my state and I notice, in most cases, that I've heard these words before.

The little bit of experience I have dealing with these kinds of feelings has led me to more memories of some pretty severe 'stops' that were put on my expressiveness, energy, enthusiasm and 'wanting to do' in my childhood years.

These behavior controls I suffered might have been necessary for many reasons, from the viewpoint of the responsible party, but my problems with self-loathing and such were due to having to be complicit in my own suppression and repression to avoid further pain.

My participation in my own punishments was/is the issue and it set up a self-referencing behavior pattern that is easy to fall into even now.

Maybe we're just peeling back layers of the onion on the way toward establishing connections to our essence?

 

[bjorb]

- Hi redfox

At mine experience writing down your feelings is some great advice.

I used to write all mine feelings down, Did it almost every-day, till I was totally exhausted. Could took hours.

I tried to follow my pain. Why I felt like I did. Maybe that can help in trying to describe your suffering and try to get to know why that is.

Maybe finding a way into expressing your feelings can help.

- Take care.


[quote author=Buddy]Maybe we're just peeling back layers of the onion on the way toward establishing connections to our essence?[/quote]

I guess so. Our essence. It doesn't come cheap but working towards this I think is really a remarkable journey.

 

[anya]

Don't know why you people are trying to avoid zoning... that's when all the soul activity takes place.

I always zone out. Mai i say that when i come back, the feeling is always great.

I often zone out and I stopped fighting it. It is so restful and I feel great when I come back too.

 

[abstract]

Had a session last night, made it to stage 2 of 3 stage breathing, zoned out, fell asleep. That's all, thank you.

 

[Ollie]

Hi RedFox

You may find the following quotes from Lise Bourbeau in Your body is telling you: Love yourself! helpful, or not, as it puts a slightly different slant on things compared with Louise Hay.

ANOREXIA
PHYSICAL BLOCK
Anorexia … marked by an aversion to food that has long-term repercussions in terms of general health. Early indications are skin pallor and weight loss. …
EMOTIONAL BLOCK
The anorexic, in rejecting food (the symbol of our nurturing Mother Earth), is rejecting the mother, the principle female role model, they are are also rejecting their own feminine aspect. It is essential that the anorexic [man] re-examine …[his] life and embrace …[his] femaleness, rather than try to escape it. Basically, the anorexic is not very grounded and easily drifts off into the surreal existence beyond the physical instead of accomplishing what they were sent to do on this planet. They no longer have a taste for food because they have closed the door to their desire to live on this earth.
MENTAL BLOCK
… first of all examine your perception of your mother. Know, deep in your heart, that she did her best in raising and nurturing you to the best of her ability and according to her knowledge at that time. Respect her and accept her as another human being, with the fears and limitations we all have. Your mother may have failed you in any number of areas, but your perceptions of these events, not the events themselves, is causing your pain. You alone have the power to change this perception. Accept your mother and the way she nurtured you and in doing so, you will welcome the woman in you and become whole again. Your appetite for food and for life will be renewed.

In my humble opinion, and from use, adopting, in a generalised way, the advice given in MENTAL BLOCK above, and applying it to all human beings, including self, is a valid and beneficial way of operating in the world.

And,

BALDNESS
EMOTIONAL BLOCK
Baldness is the result of an abuse of power or trying to control others. The balding person often has little respect in others’ opinions and feels their own belief system is the right one. This person wants and loves to be obeyed. This kind of personality belongs to someone who is out of touch with their own I AM, which diminishes the quality of their relationships and builds up negative inner feelings.
MENTAL BLOCK
Your body is sending you a message that you need to recognize and accept yourself for who you are. There is no need to impose your point of view on others. If you have an authoritarian personality, accept that and live in harmony with it instead of denying it. A person in authority has no need to flaunt their power. Simply acknowledging your personality traits will empower you and you will become more like your true self rather than the person others think you should be or who you think you should be. …

What you are experiencing may be the Higher Self bringing the problems up for clearing, as a result of the Breathing-Meditation programme, moving in mysterious ways for your further development. Just a thought, so hang on in there and you may wish to seek balance between your male and female aspects, or not.

 

[Laura]

There is also the possibility of the feeling being related to past life experiences. You might want to keep track of dreams. There was a recent one posted that seemed to be a past life memory of a life as a slave. There are all kinds of situations that a person can get into that would produce that "self-hatred" or anger at the self that could be carried over.

 

[truth seeker]

Just an update.

Last night I experienced a really strong sensation starting at the third eye that then spread to the top and sides of my head. While I regularly experience these types of sensations that feel pretty natural now, this was the first time I felt this so intensely.

I have also just started to visualize a diamond while doing the EE and at certain points (while zoning out?) I have seen blue/white sparks/diamonds? briefly.

 

[SeekinTruth]

One can't play in tune with a dysfunctional musical instrument. Now, how do you get a group of people together who through RAM are equipped to play in tune and in concert?

EE.

What would you call them?

FOTCM.

And what's the title of the song they're playing?

"Riding the Wave."

The Universal Concert! I wonder if that has something to do with the ancient idea of "angels singing in heaven", or however it's described? At any rate, practice makes perfect...maybe it's just a matter of time before we're all 'in tune'.

I rather suspect that we'll begin to notice global effects as more and more of this group get "cleared." Maybe when we hit the 100 people cleared mark, it will make it faster and easier for the next 100 people. And then, when we reach 200... all bets are off!

I completely accept the fact that no steps can be skipped in the process (and it's as it should be), but just love the concept of acceleration in an ever expanding view -- sort of from a "spherical perspective," if you will; just seem to be getting more and more "angles" of the process of acceleration. And I'm REALLY excited about it -- about "reaching 200" and beyond....

It's funny how a lot of people are worried about zoning out whereas I like it so much! When I zone out (in the FIR blanket or during meditation), I just feel so relaxed, so good afterwards. As if I had given my body (my soul?) a break. Maybe it's when my body/soul actually works the most, but it feels like a holiday for my soul!!
There's a great slogan: "Does your soul need a holiday? Then our EE program might just be the solution!"

I also wanted to tell you that we sometimes say the prayer out loud in our house and our 3-year-old daughter, whose mother tongue is French, tries to imitate us and says "Oh Divide Tosmit Mine". That's so cute! Does anybody else have an anecdote involving their children and the program?

I kinda liked zoning out too. And I also zoned in a slightly different way in the FIR blanket before EE was even introduced (and so I didn't even know the meaning of zoning in that context). The length of time and frequency of zoning has subsided while doing EE, but it seems to be picking up a bit again recently, though not to the same extent as the first month or so. Now I'm zoning sometimes for what it feels like a couple of seconds to maybe half a minute.

Also, I've been having "visions" that I can barely make out. I'm experimenting with visualizing the numbers of the pipe breathing count as described by AI (and also sometimes visualizing the words of POTS which I hadn't done for a couple of months) and just going between that and not consciously visualizing anything, just letting things take their course. And when I'm not visualizing, there are flashes of "visions" of things I can barely make out. I don't really put to much importance into them -- just try to pay attention generally, but maybe they will become clearer with time.

And your daughter's imitation is really funny, Mr. & Mrs. T.

 

[Mrs.Tigersoap]

Hi Redfox, Laura has a point, it’s probably also related to past lives. For the ‘rejection’ wound/schizoid structure, it is said that people wounded this way may have died in pain, under torture, etc. (i.e. not exactly a peaceful death), and they carry the message ‘physical existence is pain’ in their other lives. They expect pain, danger, terror from life and hostility from the others.

The following description is general and should not be taken personally. It is a summary of different authors (brennan inspired by Reich, Lowen, Bourbeau) and some of my experience (with myself or in my practice). You are probably much more complex than that, as we all are, but it gives some ideas and might be of help to anyone, since we probably all have been wounded this way (at least a least a little bit):

The first person to confirm this idea that the physical body means pain and that the world is a bad place is apparently the person of the same sex. Now, that can mean several things: either the parent is in effect hostile/rejecting (towards the other parent, himself, the baby, etc.) or he/she ‘appears’ that way to the baby (who, as all babies/children, is self-centered and takes everything personally).
However, the aim is not to play the blame game and pointing fingers (well, if something really traumatic happened, of course, that’s different), the parent was in many cases just dealing with his/her life as he/she could, etc. but the feeling has been awakened in the baby just the same.

As a consequence, the growing child develops a fear of others and has difficulty making connections with them. He also lacks a strong father/mother figure. Their very incarnation is their body is problematic.

When they are confronted with fear, they in some way or another evacuate their own body. They may “float out of their body”, or simply dissociate, according to the degree of fear and degree of “wounding”.This fact makes them even more vulnerable to the outside world (not to mention to the ‘invisible’ world): they feel easily invaded, get away from their body, thereby leaving their body unattended and thus even weaker for possible real invasions (vampiric for example).

Because they fear incarnation, they fear individuation. They long for unity, oneness.
They also need to feel safe, to connect to others, to live in the present.

With their partner during an argument, schizoids tend to dissociate when a conflict arises. This may anger the partner, pushing the schizoid even further away in his/her dissociative state. But if the partner is also schizoid, the argument may take forever to settle, if it ever happens at all, since both will just retract in their own world while waiting for the other to come and get them.

From my experience with this type/structure, I have observed that often schizoids tend to try and force themselves to be more present/incarnated by reverting to another wound they usually have : the rigid structure (in the bio-energetics sense of the term, i.e. trying to be perfect, shutting out of emotions and problems, deep feeling of unfairness especially if he has more than others, pushes his body beyond his limits, harsh with himself and others, likes order, etc.). This, of course, does not help and also serves to mask the original problem.

Writing your life history as far as you can remember, you early childhood memories, especially those involving your father might help you. Doing the EE program regularly as well. Share with us if you feel like it, we are here to help. :)

[quote author=Seeking Truth]And when I'm not visualizing, there are flashes of "visions" of things I can barely make out. I don't really put to much importance into them -- just try to pay attention generally, but maybe they will become clearer with time.[/quote]

I used to have those, but they stopped. They were impressions more than visions in my case, since I could not make out what they were at all. It feels like your mind is sorting through tapes and tapes of memory, from present and past lives, and you just see it in Fast forward until he finds something, stores it or discards it somewhere.. I always want to press "pause" to see but I don't have that function on my mind VCR :D

 

[Bluestar]

Thank you Redfox for your bravery in posting some of your issues. Your courage and the advice from the posts given by some of the members are very helpful and have given me good advice as well. Just need to figure how to assimulate them into myself.

My last session was a complicated one. Creating a space for some relaxation I put on very soft music and did a stretching session before going into three stage breathing. While starting the exercise I started having a weird sensation of suffocation. My lungs could not hold on without air. They burned and hurt somewhat. My mind was in a state of confusion because it felt like all was well. But my body was having a fit. I took a few deep breaths and tried again to no avail. While in this state I asked the question "Whats going on?" and the word failure popped into my mind. Had to stop. I am not sick with a cold or anything. It was a very strange feeling like I was being smothered. Having only been able to do a few pipe breaths at different intervals during the day. Have been able to do POTS at night. Backed off the round breathing for a bit.

So for the last couple of days I have observed this word failure. What did it mean to me. And lots of things have came up. In my current position in life I feel very much a failure. With my career, detoxing, financially. I have not been in such a position before or ignored it. So there must be a deep rooted feeling of failure. Even though finding this work done here, which is a huge blessing, I feel that I am not living up to the goals set forth here. Judge myself very harshly. So am going to take the advice of writing my life on paper to see where it goes, if I can manage not failing to this as well.

Any words of insight would be most welcome.

 

[Divide by Zero]

Thanks Redfox for sharing.

I just did my Monday session. This time during the Ba Ha, I decided to focus on the feeling or anger/irritation that I experience in everyday life. It made the Ba Ha more energetic for me, bringing back the tingling that I have not had for quite a while. During the meditation, to focus I repeat the lines after Laura says them and breathing during my repetition (example-Laura:"That I may see", then I breathe out while I repeat it in my mind). I didn't zone out, but I felt like my body was melting to the bed.

As for the anger/irritation I focused on... After the meditation it reminded me that it is somewhat narcissistic. For example, I can get quite frustrated at my commute to work, where I encounter a lot of people who don't pay attention to anything but themselves and come close to causing accidents. It makes me annoyed because it reminds me of the state of people, that they don't want to see anything else but what they want to see. But then, I do this too sometimes, especially when tired from working odd hours. So, I'm mad at the people for this, but they are being stressed by this backwards society, which is probably causing them to only have enough energy to see with blinders on. I don't want to sound crazy, but sometimes I feel the PTB has more of a hold on us by keeping society as it is than to institute martial law or quarantines. If those happened, people probably would realize they have less to lose and wake up to their slavery!

 

[Bobo08]

Just an update from me.

I used to zone out very easily and frequently, especially when doing the full program. But in the last week or so, it has changed to the opposite. I hardly zone out anymore. And last night after I did the full program, I couldn't sleep until 2am. I think I'll do the full program earlier in the evening and only the POTS before sleep.

Last night I also saw for the first time the lights that many talked about in this thread. At first I thought it was from the window through my half closed eye lids, but it only got clearer when I closed my eyes completely. It was a single dot of light in the area of the third eye, similar in appearance to a car headlight shining through fog. My mind felt very clear and calm when I looked at it.

 

[Brenda86]

I did the full E-E program yesterday and it was pretty normal overall - relaxing/calming. No dreams that I can remember this time either. Overall, pretty uneventful, which is what I usually expect.

Today I did it again (I'm trying to do it every day for a while.) Today it was a little different. During the round breathing I had this intense feeling like something was trying to burst out of me, or something. I don't know how to describe it. Almost like the kind of tension that builds before screaming/crying. I tried my best to let it be. The feeling passed after a few minutes.

Then during the POTS I zoned out after the maybe the first two recitations and came back right as Laura was saying about either going to bed or waking up.

I'm just going to try to continue to do it every day unless it becomes overwhelming.

 

[Helle]

Whenever I try to step up my EE program to the full program twice a week, and the meditation every night, I experience an extreme amount of repressed anger, annoyance and agitation, to the point where I can hardly function in my daily life.
As some of you probably have noticed in my latest post, I just can't control it.

I'm gonna push through it this time, and not take a break from the full program again, because I believe it's something I'll pass through.

The diet is also a mood killer for me at this time of year, I can't help but feel that I'm missing out, allthough my rational mind KNOWS, that I'm actually doing a good thing for ME.

So, all in all, I think I'm absolutely on right track, it's amazing what this program can dig up from deep inside, that no therapy seems to be able to.

I'm deeply grateful :) (and a little scared!)