Wow Redfox, good post.
I find myself wanting to apologies for any inconvenience caused....I would not wish for another to suffer, so to know that others are rooting for and going through suffering with me is.....well it sure does stop you from being stuck focused on the self. I feel naked, and embarrassed. And overwhelmed with gratitude, and so small that I worry I cannot give the same back. I'm not even sure I can find the words to express this properly....
So I've been ratcheting up my breathing/meditation program, aiming for the full deal every other day with a regularly nightly/daily meditation depending on the circumstances. I've had a few different experiences, mostly I just get a relaxed calm feeling and a nice recharge, but the first time I did the whole program twice in a row I had a weird visit.
So I was going through the breathing, and everything was cool up to the round breathing. I got there and I felt totally overwhelmed with exhaustion, I laid back on the bed and continued with the breathing and pictured a glob of pure water, this water seemed to have a glow about it emanating from the inside which sort of radiated out through it/around it. Then I got the distinct impression that it was alive, conscious and watching me and floating just above my bed. Which semi-freaked me out, but I got the vibe it was curious so I just kept on 'seeing' it as it saw me. Weird feeling. I then got the impression it was 'assigned' to me as a protector/guide, though how it actually performed those functions I dunno. As I was going through this I was also conscious of my inherent skepticism - like maybe it was a nasty there to eat my face and just massaging my ego or whatever to placate me - I then got the impression it giggled at me, which I also saw by having the glob sorta ripple. I got the the POTS and felt a warm hand on my shoulder and then I guess I zoned out/passed out and woke up some time later. I should mention this isn't the first time I've felt a guiding hand gently grasp me on the shoulder, happens every so often when I'm feeling down or confused or frustrated, its like a gentle reminder that I'm not alone.
Other experiences I've had in the last few weeks: I've seen, weird waves of yellow/blue/green/red flow back and forth across my plane of vision. This totally felt similar to drug-induced experiences of my earlier years, though much more mild and quite relaxing. I've had black/white spots that grow and shrink, and I sometimes have been zoning out other times remaining completely conscious, more so the later. The weird thing is that each time I do it, it's a little different. I totally get the whole 'plant growing roots, cracking up concrete vibe' every time I say the POTS, and have been doing that more often as I walk to and fro, or just when I'm not feeling so hot and need a boost.
I did the whole program on Monday, completely chill, no weirdness, and though I did zone out for an hour somewhere in the POTS, and woke up way later wondering what happened. Last night I did the meditation before bed, passed out, and had the weirdest dream that was totally disturbing. The first thing I get is that I'm a young boy, like maybe 8-10, and I'm being led through some sort of house by someone who kidnapped me. The worst part is that my younger sister was kidnapped too, and she's like an infant still. Even worse - there were multiple housemates that were aware of the fact that we were kidnapped and that this guy had total predatory intentions toward me and my sister, two of them were cops who completely ignored the fact that we were there. He even said he planned on killing her, which really upset me. The room we were in was like a shoddy living room, my sis and I were on a couch while this guy kept going back and forth between a computer and some papers strewn about a table in front of us. I somehow got his cell phone and dialed 9-11, but it didn't work. He saw me, laughed, and said he had it disabled. When I refused to give it back to him, he started shoving a TV remote down my sister's throat, so I tossed the phone and jumped him trying to pry it out of her mouth. He laughed again got up and went back to the computer. There was some food on the table, figs and apples, so I calmed my sister down and tried to feed her some mushed up bit of a fig. -Poof-
The next part I'm at like a chucky cheeses or a YMCA with my 'family' which is huge, like there's 6-7 kids mostly older then me. I become aware that this is the place we were kidnapped from, and try to warn my older siblings/parents. Again with the laughter, derision, ignorance - so I'm like, we'll fine, where is she? And no one seems to know, like she was just sitting here in her high chair and now she's gone. This one was a bit less clear, more foggy like a normal dream so I'm not sure if it's a part of the last one or not. The last thing I remember seeing was my sister (more like a toddler then an infant) dead, covered in what appeared to be tuna-salad, so I'm not sure what that was about.
So I woke up with all the feelings that the kid was having, the frustration, the impotence, the depression and am finding it difficult to function at work today. I have some mild nausea that's coming and going but overall I just feel like passing out somewhere. Usually when I have nasty dreams I know they're 'just dreams' and can sorta shake em off, this one though, it felt real and the emotional carry over is driving me a bit nuts.