These past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster! I've had two episodes of sudden and deep outpouring of tears. The first was to do with my inner Bluebeard program which I wrote about
here, the second to do with musical potential lost because I did not understand earlier in my life that it might have been possible to overcome psychological blocks and demons – that concept just didn't exist, or at least was quickly shoved under the psychic rug if it ever surfaced in my mind. Between these two episodes was a sort of dead or fallow time where I just watched and read sci-fi, but continued with my daily POTS practice.
After the first episode of crying, which seemed to come from a much deeper place than usual, I noticed in myself that I was two. My normal everyday personality and something else, something that I did not quite recognize as 'me', although it was familiar in another way. I'm not sure if that was my essence, or even a real experience of what G describes in The First Initiation as learning to see one's two natures – the one that takes the place and plays the other's role - although it did feel like that. This experience lasted for a few hours, and then I could not resist my normal everyday personality crashing back with a vengeance which gave rise to the fallow time I mentioned above.
These 'eruptions' of tears happened with rather poor timing – 15 minutes before I needed to leave for work in the morning! And then back home in the evenings the tears did not want to resurface. If I try to encourage these feelings to resurface, for example before sleep, the result does not feel authentic. It feels forced, if that makes sense, and soon returns to the depths.
Actually, I have a question. Is emotional release as effective or valid when one digs it up, so to speak, as when it arises spontaneously? What does everyone think?
I've found that I can now really expand the lower portion of my belly in three stage breathing. It was something of a challenge to let this part relax as I seemed to be holding some fear there. But, I've let go of that tightness and everything is OK!
I also notice that the combination of a really healthy diet and EE is restoring my mental faculties. I'm more and more drawn to listen to classical music again – Mozart, Handel, Beethoven and J S Bach. There is plenty of other music I like, but it doesn't seem to have quite the same 'brain stimulation' as classical, at least for me. Bud recently started this
thread about Mozart's music.
I've been practicing with the POTS and pipe breathing in bed before sleeping. Like Mrs T and others, the rhythm of the pipe breathing has become almost automatic and so I can now recite the POTS with it. When I relax into the rhythm of the breathing it takes on a life of its own and it's like riding a huge wave! This hasn't happened very often, but when it does it's really lovely.