RedFox said:I only came to the realisation last night.....
I wanted to work on perfecting my technique for repairing a particular type of laptop fault last night.....my equipment being completely disorganised (a complete mess to be honest), all over my bedroom floor (and creeping out into my parents house) I was unable to find the high temperature probe I needed to be successful.....
I have a feeling of stress when this (repeatedly) happens whilst 'wanting' to get the job done. So I eventually stopped and decided to try tidying up instead.....which made me feel infinitely better. I had put on old work clothes to do the job, and upon removing them (they stunk) my energy also picked up along with my thinking.
I have not been able to make any changes beyond that....but did then start questioning the source of this drive to 'do' things in such a way as to create a mess/stress for myself (and others).....self sabotage. But I also look a bit like a tramp at the moment (need to have a shave), and needed a shower badly...so all of these behaviours seem connected.
It was questioning these that led me to the feeling of primal fear.....that I feel I have no space of my own......that I am rejecting all life, rejecting living....because I feel guilty for existing....part of me does fwiw
Symbolically I am surrounding myself with decay......with broken electronics (symbolic of entropy even when they are working)....I remember being identified with 'goth' culture a while ago too....so perhaps its all symbolic of death/decay. Or at least part of me does....
I connected this to my birth trauma (its the only thing I have to go on....perhaps its not needed?)....if I nearly died at birth then perhaps I never really lived (and subconsciously surrounded myself with decay) as a defence against having to face that trauma.
Perhaps I am over thinking this?
It's interesting to notice when our energy levels seem to go up. It seems that you have not been taken care of yourself and your environment , so when you started cleaning you did something for yourself and your environment, which gave you energy, because you gave attention to yourself.
Rather than using your energy on anything but yourself/environment. And since there is no energy input coming from you, then that might explain the broken electronics. Do you enjoy/love fixing things? Or do you see it more as 'something that needs to be done'?
It seems you don't really appreciate yourself, as the beautiful, curious and adventurous person you really are :) Feel guilty for existing? Every time that thought comes up, tell yourself ''I understand your feeling, but really, there is no need to feel guilty. Look, you're putting effort in participating in the forum, helping others, and you're observing yourself, you're doing EE, you're doing something and people, DCM, Loves you for that. And even if you didn't do these things, you didn't do anything wrong to anybody and even if you did, do you not wish to learn from those mistakes? No one's perfect! Otherwise everybody should feel guilty, and that's just wrong, don't you agree? You have all the right to exist, and life'll be fun once you realize that!"
Something like this. Perhaps it might work.
You nearly died at birth, and as a warrior you escaped death and decided to live. See it as an inspiration to Do more, to Live the life you chose to live.
This trauma might play a role, but maybe being raised in a narcissistic family played a role as well.
RedFox said:Quieting my mind as best I can...moving my focus (with a sense of acceptance) to my feelings and away from 'thinking'.
Any tips welcomed
I would say to myself: "I understand why you're thinking that, but honestly what is so stupid about this? I know, it could be anything, but it's interesting! Stupid would be wanting to be the same person always and never wanting to change. I want to change, to observe and to question, even if it means crying when I naturally feel like it! It's an adventurous way of living, to want to grow, don't you think?" You kinda have to start to come to some kind of agreement with yourself, and to realize that these "being so stupid" thoughts come from programming and not from your heart.
This doesn't mean per se that these ''being so stupid'' thoughts will go away, but they will lose much power, and kind of stay in the background. This has been my experience.
You can also change these thoughts into being more objective about what happened. (if that makes sense)
RedFox said:I had an image come to mind before and during the POTS.....of a child desperately clinging to something (a ledge?) for dear life....his hand about to give out with exhaustion, and older hands (perhaps my hands?) being placed on his to comfort him only for it to feel like I was trying to force him to let go of the ledge and 'fall to his death'.....the sense of primal fear was quite intense.
Its possible also (thinking back) that I was not allowing him to let go, or perhaps was even putting his hand back?? I don't know.... :/
This is why I decided to skip the round breathing.
Maybe that little child could be your inner child?
RedFox said:*edit* to add I do not know if these emotions where formed at a time when I had words....so its possible they exist in a wordless state of pure emotion. It seems that I need to build an understanding to connect with them.....
As a baby and small child I was easily overloaded by emotions (especially others) and minor changes (to my local environment). My startle response lasted years instead of weeks.
I have hope it will happen!