"Healing Developmental Trauma" by L. Heller and A. LaPierre

[Laura]

I tell ya, I read that book over a period of days because I couldn't take it in all at once. You've probably heard of people having "flashbacks of 'Nam"? Well, it was like that: flashbacks of not only my own childhood, but of bringing up my children. And the latter was doubly painful. I worked so hard to be a good parent, and I got a lot right, but when I was wrong, it was awful.

 

[monotonic]

Connection: 15.38%
Attunement: 28.57%
Autonomy: 23.08%
Trust: 7.69%
Love-sexuality: 23.08%

I find it interesting that so many of us score low on trust style (or I may just be seeing a false pattern). Perhaps those who score higher on it are those who are unwilling to join a network?

 

[maxtree]

I tell ya, I read that book over a period of days because I couldn't take it in all at once. You've probably heard of people having "flashbacks of 'Nam"? Well, it was like that: flashbacks of not only my own childhood, but of bringing up my children. And the latter was doubly painful. I worked so hard to be a good parent, and I got a lot right, but when I was wrong, it was awful.

Neither could I. I was so curious to start and when I read The connection survival style I had to put the book down.
I went like all quiet inside or what they call it 'freeze'. It took me a day before I could go on because of the flashbacks and the realization of my coping style. This is the first psychology book that has had such a confrontational impact on me. After finishing I intend to make a synopsis in dutch to really, really get this important message on the different survival styles.
This is my second serious shock in a few months after Samenow , Fallon, Raine

Thank you for the recommendation Laura !

 

[Ant22]

My test results are: Connection: 23.08%, Attunement: 21.43%, Autonomy: 7.69%, Trust: 23.08%, Love-sexuality: 15.38%

I haven't finished the book yet but the initial chapters list common characteristics for each type and I wrote either + or - next to each one to verify my 'fit' for each category. I marked 75% of characteristics for the Connection type in the book (I counted the number of characteristics, number of + marked and calculated the percentage) Those that match seem to largely go across the full board of areas of my life and relationships with people.

I marked much less answers for all other categories in the book, 35-50%, and they seem to be context dependent to a greater extent than Connection.

Looking at the results of the online test and what I ticked in the book, they are quite similar, although Connection sticks out much more for me in the book assessment and it feels accurate that it's my biggest area to work on. But that's based on my own self-assessment and although I'm doing my best to be realistic and honest with myself, there may in fact be a margin of error caused by narratives creeping in under my still developing radar.

(...) I got Connection: 15.38%, Attunement: 42.86%, Autonomy: 38.46%, Trust: 0% (I was expecting at least some of that one based on the book), Love-Sexuality: 30.77%

Some of the questions were tricky, because the answer would depend on the period of my life (I answered based on the present only). Overall, it may be too short and general a test, but I found the descriptions under each result to be quite spot on, especially on the aspects that need work.

I had similar thoughts about the questions. Depending on the period of my life I would have given different answers. There were multiple times when I thought: "this one used to be such a big issue but it's not anymore." I think there were instances where I made a mistake of selecting answers that were true in the past but they are not as relevant to present day.

 

[Andromeda]

I just finished the book the other day. I found it to be quite heavy on the one hand, not because any of the concepts were groundbreakingly new, but because it showed how common and nearly inescapable these traumas are to everyone. Also, how difficult and painful it can be to live with these disruptions and to correct them. Most people have gone through their entire lives without the slightest clue about it, and most will continue to do so! In that sense it made me feel more compassion for others and for myself.

On the other hand, I found it to be very hopeful. There are some very practical and helpful tips on how to go about finding balance and connection. Plus, understanding anything more clearly is always hopeful. :) And bringing together so many of the other things we have learned from Levine, Mate, Porges, Samenow, etc. for a more refined and holistic approach is nice.

That being said, I still think it's a little too focused on the attachment issue being the issue. I think there's certainly something to that, but if we as humans are set up with imprinting windows such as they are and sensitivities so strong that even some worry on the mothers part during or after pregnancy, a childhood illness, or some loud construction work being done outside at the wrong time can cause difficulties for so long even with an otherwise loving and supportive environment, maybe a lot of it is less a 'failure' of the environment than it is what makes us something to Work with. I mean, yes, there are certainly failures and abuses and some people have more than others. Some were preventable and some were not. But, if there is anybody who has escaped entirely, I have never heard of him. Heck, in the most ideal of societies something still would have gone wrong. And according to the book, it's some of these connection problems that give us the drive to find out and seek to know. If we were all sitting around holding hands and feeling connected, we wouldn't do anything else!

So I think all of this can be another clue to a bigger plan that draws from past life and karmic lessons, learning profile, etc. And in the end, another thing that both describes our individuality and shows how much we have in common as human beings.

 

[Laura]

I think assessing yourself via the information in the book is much better than the online test which seems to be rather ambiguous and possibly a little misleading.

 

[genero81]

I just finished the book the other day. I found it to be quite heavy on the one hand, not because any of the concepts were groundbreakingly new, but because it showed how common and nearly inescapable these traumas are to everyone. Also, how difficult and painful it can be to live with these disruptions and to correct them. Most people have gone through their entire lives without the slightest clue about it, and most will continue to do so! In that sense it made me feel more compassion for others and for myself.

On the other hand, I found it to be very hopeful. There are some very practical and helpful tips on how to go about finding balance and connection. Plus, understanding anything more clearly is always hopeful. :) And bringing together so many of the other things we have learned from Levine, Mate, Porges, Samenow, etc. for a more refined and holistic approach is nice.

That being said, I still think it's a little too focused on the attachment issue being the issue. I think there's certainly something to that, but if we as humans are set up with imprinting windows such as they are and sensitivities so strong that even some worry on the mothers part during or after pregnancy, a childhood illness, or some loud construction work being done outside at the wrong time can cause difficulties for so long even with an otherwise loving and supportive environment, maybe a lot of it is less a 'failure' of the environment than it is what makes us something to Work with. I mean, yes, there are certainly failures and abuses and some people have more than others. Some were preventable and some were not. But, if there is anybody who has escaped entirely, I have never heard of him. Heck, in the most ideal of societies something still would have gone wrong. And according to the book, it's some of these connection problems that give us the drive to find out and seek to know. If we were all sitting around holding hands and feeling connected, we wouldn't do anything else!

So I think all of this can be another clue to a bigger plan that draws from past life and karmic lessons, learning profile, etc. And in the end, another thing that both describes our individuality and shows how much we have in common as human beings.

I haven't read the book yet but I think you've touched on something important to understand here. The C's have dropped some pretty heavy clues about the nature of the reality we find ourselves in here; 'short wave cycle', learning the 'hard' way, "if you play in the mud you're going to get dirty," etc. I think G was right about suffering. We're going to suffer. It's just a matter of moving from unconscious suffering to conscious, not only taking ownership of our own mess, but the whole 'mess' as well. The Archetypal path of the hero and all that. Maybe I shouldn't be commenting until I've read the book but I liked what you said here. I rented Peterson's 'Maps of Meaning' which is a significant work and I only have so much time to read it, but I look forward to this one as well.

 

[Gaby]

So I think all of this can be another clue to a bigger plan that draws from past life and karmic lessons, learning profile, etc. And in the end, another thing that both describes our individuality and shows how much we have in common as human beings.

I haven't read the book yet but I think you've touched on something important to understand here. The C's have dropped some pretty heavy clues about the nature of the reality we find ourselves in here; 'short wave cycle', learning the 'hard' way, "if you play in the mud you're going to get dirty," etc. I think G was right about suffering. We're going to suffer. It's just a matter of moving from unconscious suffering to conscious, not only taking ownership of our own mess, but the whole 'mess' as well.

Curiously, one of the first dreams I had when I started reading this book was about an explosion with a church in the background and several loved ones being blown away by the explosion. The voice or thought that I had as I was waking up that this was an "imprint" of the past and the background for a new learning experience. It is like Jonathan Haidt quotes in "The Righteous Mind" when he describes "innateness": Nature provides a first draft, which experience then revises. ... "Built-in" does not mean unmalleable; it means "organized in advance of experience."

 

[Keit]

I think assessing yourself via the information in the book is much better than the online test which seems to be rather ambiguous and possibly a little misleading.

This is my impression as well. Several times I wrote my own answer in "Other" because the rest of the answers didn't quite fit. And I am not sure that it was included in the score. Here it is, but I think that it probably should look different, especially the percentages of love- sexuality and autonomy.

Connection: 30.77%
Attunement: 28.57%
Autonomy: 0%
Trust: 15.38%
Love-Sexuality: 7.69%

I am still at the beginning of the book, so will see how it goes. It is interesting to note how some attitudes and perceptions have changed since childhood, and some were "adopted" based on later life experiences.

A few years ago, I opted for physical activity as a means to not fall in parasympathetic "frozen" mode and facilitate body coordination. Due to my environment and also due to personal preference, I opted for a discipline in Martial Arts, also knowing that I can get very angry. Even when I tended to suppress anger for most of my life, a sudden relesase of energy could amount to a "super volcano" waking up. My thinking was that the Martial Arts would balance things up a bit. Sometimes I would go depressed to the training and get out totally fine. Although it helped, I didn't connect with myself. In fact, I was just noticing recently how I seemed to be doing all my exercises as if walking on a cloud. That is, I don't exactly have my feet on the ground (lack of "grounding").

Very interesting, thanks for sharing, Gaby. I can relate to a similar experience of entering a "frozen" mode when faced with stressful or frightening situations. In lesser stressful situations (or the ones I subconsciously think that can be controlled/managed) it is being expressed as anger, but if the perceived stress/fear is really great (or they put me off balance), then it is usually the "dear in the headlights" response.

There is also a curious (though disconcerting at times) problem with body coordination, that became rather vivid during a very short stint with Aikido. There was a basic rolling exercise that no matter how much I tried, I couldn't do it properly, especially with my right side side of the body. I am left-handed, so maybe that's the reason, but it seems to be more than this. There appear to be some sort of disconnect between the brain and the body, and it is visible during my work at the clinic. Things that require quick and precise hand movements are more challenging. Obviously things like this require repetitive practice in order to develop "muscle memory", but it does often feel as if I do it too chaotically and without being properly "grounded".

It is clear that perhaps some kind of body work would be beneficial in dealing with this, but unfortunately it isn't possible in this particular period of my life for various reasons. Luckily, my job will continue to provide me with plenty of practice! Hopefully this book will provide some clues as well.

 

[Ennio]

Started the book a few days ago and it's also been the cause of me looking back at my life, thinking and behavior - and wondering how much of what I've done has merely been a 'survival strategy' - perhaps more than anything else. It is horrible to think that I could be so inauthentic in my being for lack of healthier connections to my self. Not to mention the effect that this has likely had on others I've been in relationship with and close to. It's a reminder, too, of what G. said about 'buffers' or psychological/emotional appendages that keep us at a "safe" distance from being better engaged with reality, and growing.

As for 'being in the body' (or not!) there was a period of time a number of years ago when I was experiencing a good deal of anxiety and fear. Seemingly by chance I took a class in the Alexander Technique. Most of the exercises we practiced just dealt with bodily and environmental awareness. After only a few of these classes the fear and anxiety I was experiencing were greatly ameliorated. So for myself at least, I can conclude that being 'in my head' must have been one of those unconscious strategies that was not only no longer working, but detrimental. And something like full body awareness as a means to ground myself was, and still is, a very helpful approach. (I still exercise and do EE almost religiously).

Further to this, there have been a number of times I think that Laura and the C's alluded to some of what this book is getting at, and even expanded on it. Thinking here mainly of the session where it was said that working on bodily and immediate environmental awareness were the first things thing to be prioritized in the ways of achieving greater 'cosmic consciousness,' or awareness. So I think that in reading and practicing the ideas of HDT, we are quite likely to get another vital tool in helping us get there. That's my hope anyway!

 

[Windmill knight]

That being said, I still think it's a little too focused on the attachment issue being the issue. I think there's certainly something to that, but if we as humans are set up with imprinting windows such as they are and sensitivities so strong that even some worry on the mothers part during or after pregnancy, a childhood illness, or some loud construction work being done outside at the wrong time can cause difficulties for so long even with an otherwise loving and supportive environment, maybe a lot of it is less a 'failure' of the environment than it is what makes us something to Work with. I mean, yes, there are certainly failures and abuses and some people have more than others. Some were preventable and some were not. But, if there is anybody who has escaped entirely, I have never heard of him. Heck, in the most ideal of societies something still would have gone wrong. And according to the book, it's some of these connection problems that give us the drive to find out and seek to know. If we were all sitting around holding hands and feeling connected, we wouldn't do anything else!

So I think all of this can be another clue to a bigger plan that draws from past life and karmic lessons, learning profile, etc. And in the end, another thing that both describes our individuality and shows how much we have in common as human beings.

On that note:

Session 28 March 2010:

Q: (L) Now we have another series of questions, and I don't know if we're going to be able to get through all of them tonight. First question: "What is the optimal age of weaning a child from breast milk?" This is gonna be a loaded question, guys!

A: Depends on what kind of child you want to raise.

Q: (L) Okay, well, that’s a loaded answer! The general theory is that some cultures breast feed their children like three or four years or longer, and that this is taken also from the model of apes and chimpanzees. They breast feed their children, and it seems to suppress mating so that they don't have babies too often and it doesn't hurt their health and so forth.

A: Do you want to raise monkeys?

Q: (L) Well, no!

A: Monkeys also do not have sexual relations for recreation either.

Q: (L) Okay. So, having said all that, are you going to answer the question? What is the optimal age for weaning a child from breast milk?

A: Under optimal conditions, weaning should begin when the child is capable of eating well on his own.

Q: (Andromeda) That makes sense. As soon as they have teeth.

(L) Well, they said when they are able to eat well on their own. Just having teeth doesn't mean that you can necessarily eat well. You have to practice. So, I would say that probably means something like one year or thereabouts. By then, you probably have enough teeth to eat with. I guess it's different for each baby. Whenever that baby has enough teeth and enough practice, that means it's time to wean that baby. But there can probably be a general time frame. Okay, the next question: "How does prolonged breast feeding affect the child's emotional development?"

A: Breast feeding is problematical for all the reasons that you already know. The toxicity of the mother must be considered. The child certainly benefits from the food provided by nature, but again, we ask, what kind of child do you wish to raise?

Q: (L) Well, I think we want to raise children that are capable of soul development. I guess that's what we want to do.

A: Yes? Then you must lay down the foundation and pattern. Let us ask you a question: If you had not had certain traumas, would you have felt so determined to find answers to the suffering of humanity???

Q: (L) No, I guess if I'd had a perfect childhood and if everything had been perfect and nice, I guess I would have been a potato. [laughter] I guess I would have been a monkey!

A: Yes.

Q: (L) So, what you're suggesting is that you lay down a foundation of security, and then you begin to introduce patterns of frustration or whatever of the child having to confront themselves?

(Ark) Challenges.

(L) Yeah, challenges. So then you set up challenges for the child to meet or overcome?

A: Yes. And fairly early too!

Q: (L) What do you mean by "fairly early"?

A: Starting with weaning!

Q: (L) Okay, this next question is weird. It's written in a really weird way. “Is co-sleeping recommended?”

A: In some cases for limited periods. Keep in mind that if you lay down the pattern early in a secure and loving way, the child is not overly traumatized when faced with reality. If the child is born and then lives in an external "womb", he has not really been born now has he?

Q: (L) Next question: What are the negative consequences of co-sleeping?

A: That should be obvious from the previous responses.

Q: (L) But certainly co-sleeping on occasion, like if the child is upset or sick, is okay?

A: Of course!!!

Q: (Perceval) If you have a child that's been overly mothered from a long time and sheltered from reality and from challenges, then when they do face challenges later on, they can't handle it. They fly into illusion.

(Burma Jones) Or you have a lot of children with domineering fathers who say, "The kid's gotta learn his lessons!" And they kind of have a point, except that it's not done lovingly and in consideration of the fact that the child needs time and needs to be introduced gently to these challenges.

(Ark) I think this sleeping is not good for husband and wife.

(PoB) It's not good for the mother's relationship with the husband.

(Ark) That's what I mean. I mean, the father is patient for 5 months, 6 months. [laughter] (Burma Jones) Not so good for the marital relations.

(Ark) I think that if woman does it, usually she will have different reasons than that just "It's good for the child."

(L) Yeah, a lot of women are probably co-sleeping because they want to keep the husband away.

(PoB) They have a good excuse.

(L) They have a good excuse not to work on their own intimacy issues and to create a true parental unit that takes care of a child.

(Ark) It's a good way to punish the husband for all previous things he did to her.

(Perceval) They need Eiriu Eolas!

(L) Next question is: Is it really the case that "all is sealed" (our view of the Universe), so to speak, during the first weeks, months, or years of life?

A: More or less. Recall the discussion on imprinting. The infant needs to know that the universe is a place of creativity and abundance. That impression is formed in the first six months. For six months, the parent must respond instantly, or even anticipate the infant's needs; even the need for not being alone.

 

[mabar]

Here is a transcription of an interview with Dr. Heller.
http://www.shrinkrapradio.com/382.pdf

Thanks Loreta, had not read the book, it would help in the meantime, I found a video of the Introduction to the book by Dr. Laurence Heller https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPhasHMSyas had helped to familiarized to what people are posting...

 

[biala84]

I will order the two books tomorrow, because i was a little bit block out... I can't wait to read a books to understand missing part of myself and from others :)
What i like about the test which i think it's truth and i have concentrate on that is:
Healing process: It happens through connecting with your inner strength and then taking the risk to fail, ask others for help and give up being super powerful or special, definetly it's truth :D

 

[Windmill knight]

I've started reading the book only recently and I'm about one quarter into it. It did make me upset recognizing myself, especially in the first two adaptive styles, and having the 'Nam flashbacks' as Laura put it. As a result I had a lot of dreams full of anger last night. Thinking about this, I realized today that I hadn't felt quite like that child for some time - which is probably a good sign that things are not as bad as they used to be in me, so some progress has been made (I think not due to one particualr thing but to the whole of what we've learned in this forum and more).

However, there are still the uneasy feelings that get activated quite often in different circumstances and the accompanying ANTs, and which I always figured would never go away completely, precisely because they appeared as a result of very early infancy experiences, even pre-verbal, and have been reinforced for a lifetime. This book offers a map of what these self-sabotaging feelings are. I hadn't seen it explained quite clearly like this before. And it offers some hope too!

 

[whitecoast]

In thw test i scored as follows. I figured autonomy was my biggest issue since it is basically a direct transplant of thr masochistic personality discusssed by Alexander Lowen in Bioenergetics. Theres almost a 1:1 correlation between them and the traits discussed in HDT. Im curious to know how much more research was done on these personalities/postures. Ive worked a lot on autonomy, so the difference would probably be even higher had i taken this test when I was younger.
Connection: 23%
Attunement : 28%
Trust: 23%
Autonomy : 38%
Love/sex: 30%

Still working my way through the book. The methodologies described are quite fascinating. Ive been trying to pay closer attention to my own eye movements, and whether Im actually attuning to people around me, as well as if I'm orienting in an exploratory or defensive manner. It makes people watching all the more interesting as well. As for getting flashbacks, they only seem to happen when i direct my thoughts to specific past episodes.