"Healing Developmental Trauma" by L. Heller and A. LaPierre

[Mike]

I’ve been reading ‘Healing Developmental Trauma’ and it made me realize a number of things and has me a bit unsettled at times. I had been seeing a counselor for a number of years to help with recovery from mental health issues and work thru a lot of stuff. That combined with all the information and recommended reading provided on the forum has helped me a great deal, yet from reading the book I come to understand that I’m still far from acting and thinking based on my core or true self. Basically, I have or use some degree of every survival strategy. It is like I have an underlying anxiety where I on a continuous basically think about or worry about what others think about me or what I think they think about what I’m doing with my life, as one example. The description from the book about hypervigilance and hyperawareness really hit home with me in terms of my normal underlying state.

It has also put front and center the understanding that for a big part of my life I lived mostly in a dissociative state, especially as a child and this is probably one reason I don’t remember much from when I was a kid. The thing is the overall impact of having survival strategies drive my life and living in a dissociative state has decreased with the work I did with my counselor, effort to understand and learn from all the material here, yet it is still there at a lower level and I really think influences me in a big way even it doesn’t have as strong a hold on me as it once did. I also have come to understand the reason I drank and abused alcohol during my life is that its influence took all of the anxiety and worries away for a time and allowed me to feel ‘alive’ and ‘normal’. I for the most part have not acted or been in connection with my core self during my life.

In combination with this book, other readings, such as ‘Inside the Criminal Mind, and the overall understanding of the picture of reality such as what is happening in the US with the political situation and the Postmodernist influence on so many things, I currently feel like I’m having the rug pulled out from under me regularly in terms of what has underpinned my understanding of the world, reality and myself. It is like I’m in a kind of blank state stage where I feel like I just have never known what was what with reality, what is or was happening in the world and also what was happening inside me and with my relationships.

I think in some ways like I’m starting from scratch, but influenced by a lifetime worth of programs, survival strategies and biases as I move forward. It gives me an unusual freeing feeling and seeing that I could be free or have freedom moving forward, but with some fear, since fear of some kind has always had an impact on how I think and what I think about.

Thank you for digging through and providing research on these topics and books. It is very obvious how thoroughly lost I'd be in the wilderness of life without the help of this forum. Hope I can provide help along the way as I'm able. I'll be Looking forward to seeing how the NeuroOptimal sessions and such might help me and others.

 

[Laura]

Bear, I know exactly how you feel. Reading "Healing Developmental Trauma" was sometimes torture for me. Put that together with "The Righteous Mind" and I was really destabilized in several ways. The NeurOptimal sessions really helped at that point! That's how to go at it bottom up and top down: acquire the knowledge/awareness, find something that ameliorates the emotional base.

 

[loreta]

Thank you Laura, the clip of the Krakatoa made me cry and feeling a profound joy. The metaphore is so beautiful.

Thank you for your sincerity, your work, thanks to everyone, here.

 

[Divide by Zero]

There's a free online course here about developmental trauma:
http://school-of-practical-wisdom.thinkific.com/courses/discovering-developmental-trauma

 

[luc]

Thank you Bear for this post, so many things you said hit home for me too! I'm just at the beginning of the HDT book, but it's crazy how I seem to check almost every survival style

Coupled with the other books and the realization of the full tragedy that is postmodernism and how it affected me as well, on top of what we already knew before about the evilness of the world etc., this really shakes things up.

I think in some ways like I’m starting from scratch, but influenced by a lifetime worth of programs, survival strategies and biases as I move forward. It gives me an unusual freeing feeling and seeing that I could be free or have freedom moving forward, but with some fear, since fear of some kind has always had an impact on how I think and what I think about.

Yes, it dawns on me as well how ridiculous many of my thoughts are and how they are holding me back in so many ways, and how unnecessary and stupid it all is. But there it is, and it won't just magically go away.

On the plus side, I'm really sick and tired of all that and I feel that this feeling of being shaken up also leads to new terrain, and hopefully positive change. The "here and now" is here, the Wave is here, the drama is unfolding - what are we waiting for? We all have learned so much here - just to continue living in a fantasy world of survival styles? In fear of fantasy ghosts living in our heads? And still, it's damn hard; the realization of the disconnect between how it could be if we were free and the reality of our prison-state is not nice at all. Perhaps then, it's time to break free, step by step...

 

[Zar]

Whoa, maybe I'm a little slow but I can't keep up with your thought gymnastics. It seems like your having an "aha" moment but you're jumping around too much and are too mentally focused(I think). Have you tried grounding yourself to calm your mind and connect with your body?

You know, that thing about "grounding yourself" was always a mystery to me until the dev. trauma book guy explained it towards the end of the book. Somebody grab that quote and post it. I think we should all know what it is to be "grounded" and how to pull ourselves back into the body, out of dissociation, and into the now.

I'm going to post the quote into the HDT thread and ask other users to attach some grounding videos/techniques they know of since I can't think of any at the moment.

Grounding

"Grounding is a basic technique widely used in body-centered psychotherapies. In NARM, grounding is used to support an increasing capacity for somatic mindfulness, connection, and nervous system regulation. Grounding functions as an antidote to disconnection, helping to literally bring awareness back into the body, supporting reconnection on all levels of experience. To the degree that clients can feel their feet on the floor and their body in the chair, they are mindfully present in the here and now. Like all therapeutic processes, grounding should not be pushed; it needs to be done slowly, in a way that is manageable and does not overwhelm... "

I'm wondering if any forum members have some good grounding techniques/guides/videos they could share as I don't have any I regularly use.

 

[Laura]

Grounding

"Grounding is a basic technique widely used in body-centered psychotherapies. In NARM, grounding is used to support an increasing capacity for somatic mindfulness, connection, and nervous system regulation. Grounding functions as an antidote to disconnection, helping to literally bring awareness back into the body, supporting reconnection on all levels of experience. To the degree that clients can feel their feet on the floor and their body in the chair, they are mindfully present in the here and now. Like all therapeutic processes, grounding should not be pushed; it needs to be done slowly, in a way that is manageable and does not overwhelm... "

I'm wondering if any forum members have some good grounding techniques/guides/videos they could share as I don't have any I regularly use.

Why do you need "techniques" when he just said what it is: it is giving attention to your body, the chair, how it feels, where your feet and arms are, maybe listening to your heart beat, looking at the walls, checking out the room you are in, noticing the air, your breathing. I think there was more to quote than just that little bit.

 

[truth seeker]

This is just the grounding bit on page 229., I think.

Grounding

"Grounding is a basic technique widely used in body-centered psychotherapies. In NARM, grounding is used to support an increasing capacity for somatic mindfulness, connection, and nervous system regulation. Grounding functions as an antidote to disconnection, helping to literally bring awareness back into the body, supporting reconnection on all levels of experience. To the degree that clients can feel their feet on the floor and their body in the chair, they are mindfully present in the here and now. Like all therapeutic processes, grounding should not be pushed; it needs to be done slowly, in a way that is manageable and does not overwhelm. In the initial stages of therapy some dissociated clients find it difficult, if not impossible, to ground themselves. Therapists support the processes of connection and organization by bringing their clients attention to the process of grounding:

"As you are talking about the challenges you are facing, take a moment to see if you can get a sense of yourself in the chair. Can you feel you feet on the floor... your seat in the chair...the support of the backrest?

As we attend to the clients capacity for self awareness, we support their awareness not just cognitively, and emotionally, but also in their physiological experience. Many clients will find grounding to be organizing and settling whereas some will find it anxiety provoking. When clients become more anxious when attempting to ground, or when they are unable to do it, it is an indication that there is too much activation in their body to allow them to ground at that moment. When grounding is not possible, facilitating discharge of activation can be supported by other regulating techniques such as pendulating, resourcing and orienting. As activation is discharged, grounding becomes more possible. from a NARM perspective, grounding in the body provides an anchor to reality. From an increasingly more grounded and embodied place, the truths and fictions of our shame and pride based identifications become clearer. Attuning to the body gives us a stable platform on which to work with the adaptive survival styles that are often mistaken for our true self.

From there it goes to orienting.

 

[Laura]

Thanks TS.

What is interesting is that some people find grounding to be distressing. I guess that is something that one should pay attention to because it would be a clue to one's survival strategy.

 

[Chu]

In combination with this book, other readings, such as ‘Inside the Criminal Mind, and the overall understanding of the picture of reality such as what is happening in the US with the political situation and the Postmodernist influence on so many things, I currently feel like I’m having the rug pulled out from under me regularly in terms of what has underpinned my understanding of the world, reality and myself. It is like I’m in a kind of blank state stage where I feel like I just have never known what was what with reality, what is or was happening in the world and also what was happening inside me and with my relationships.

I think in some ways like I’m starting from scratch, but influenced by a lifetime worth of programs, survival strategies and biases as I move forward. It gives me an unusual freeing feeling and seeing that I could be free or have freedom moving forward, but with some fear, since fear of some kind has always had an impact on how I think and what I think about.

Thank you for your post. I can relate to how you are feeling. While reading the above, it occurred to me that one way to look at it, when possible, is to realize how lucky we are to at least be able to see all this now, and also, not to have a "full cup" like many people out there. Once again we are realizing how little we know, but that is better than thinking that we know more than we do! It means that there is room for something else, for growth and for change. Never mind that it's so difficult. Never mind how long it takes!

I think that the past work was not in vain at all, and although at times it may feel like you are starting from scratch, you really aren't, because each step took you to a point where now, you can be reading all these books and extracting a lot of meaning from them. If we hadn't learned to do any self-observation at all, for example, it would be a HUGE task. Like Emma's case in the book. So, yes, to a lesser or greater extent, we are all still living based on our survival styles. BUT, at the same time, once we can see it, we can do something about it. And remember, we're in this together. It was probably never meant to be easy, but nobody says it's impossible.

As to your fear, I think Neurofeedback may help! It may allow you to get just enough "peace of mind" to stay as much as possible in the present, and try to regain that "child-like" curiosity, as mentioned in the book, even when working through some difficult issues.

It is very obvious how thoroughly lost I'd be in the wilderness of life without the help of this forum. Hope I can provide help along the way as I'm able.

Well, you just did! One thing that isn't mentioned in the book is the importance of giving to others as part of the process. I mean, here in the forum for example. Your sharing prompted others to share too. I'm responding to you, but I'm also writing it indirectly for others, and it even works as a reminder for myself, see? In getting out and trying to help others, we also gain another perspective, and even some of that nurturing that we missed in the past. I think that goes a long way in helping everyone in the process. :)

 

[Zar]

Grounding

"Grounding is a basic technique widely used in body-centered psychotherapies. In NARM, grounding is used to support an increasing capacity for somatic mindfulness, connection, and nervous system regulation. Grounding functions as an antidote to disconnection, helping to literally bring awareness back into the body, supporting reconnection on all levels of experience. To the degree that clients can feel their feet on the floor and their body in the chair, they are mindfully present in the here and now. Like all therapeutic processes, grounding should not be pushed; it needs to be done slowly, in a way that is manageable and does not overwhelm... "

I'm wondering if any forum members have some good grounding techniques/guides/videos they could share as I don't have any I regularly use.

Why do you need "techniques" when he just said what it is: it is giving attention to your body, the chair, how it feels, where your feet and arms are, maybe listening to your heart beat, looking at the walls, checking out the room you are in, noticing the air, your breathing. I think there was more to quote than just that little bit.

Sorry, having a little trouble thinking straight these days. Thanks for the correction TS.

 

[Bluefyre]

When I started therapy a lot of anxiety was provoked at being in my body. My therapist gave me what she called the Take Five exercise which can be done anywhere. I did/ do it when waiting at the bus stop on the way to work when I feel anxiety. It involved seeing, hearing smelling and feeling your body. Notice five things, consciously what your eyes are seeing, what your ears are hearing, what a particular part of your body is feeling, for me it was always my feet in my shoes, what I'm smelling and saying them out loud to yourself. For some reason that seems to be more powerful in bringing a person back to the present in their body (for me anyway). And then what you experience. For example, "I hear cars and trucks going by on the road and it feels jarring to my body. I see the pine tree moving in the breeze across the street. It feels strong and peaceful." Of course you can do more than five.

Thank you for your post Bear. You expressed so well what I also experience.

It has also put front and center the understanding that for a big part of my life I lived mostly in a dissociative state, especially as a child and this is probably one reason I don’t remember much from when I was a kid. The thing is the overall impact of having survival strategies drive my life and living in a dissociative state has decreased with the work I did with my counselor, effort to understand and learn from all the material here, yet it is still there at a lower level and I really think influences me in a big way even it doesn’t have as strong a hold on me as it once did. I also have come to understand the reason I drank and abused alcohol during my life is that its influence took all of the anxiety and worries away for a time and allowed me to feel ‘alive’ and ‘normal’. I for the most part have not acted or been in connection with my core self during my life.

 

[Aliana]

I think in some ways like I’m starting from scratch, but influenced by a lifetime worth of programs, survival strategies and biases as I move forward. It gives me an unusual freeing feeling and seeing that I could be free or have freedom moving forward, but with some fear, since fear of some kind has always had an impact on how I think and what I think about.

Thank you for digging through and providing research on these topics and books. It is very obvious how thoroughly lost I'd be in the wilderness of life without the help of this forum. Hope I can provide help along the way as I'm able. I'll be Looking forward to seeing how the NeuroOptimal sessions and such might help me and others.

Just wanted to thank you Bear for sharing your thoughts – so many things you have experienced resonate with me as well.

Am almost finished reading HDT and it has been disheartening to realize the amount of damage that was done at such an early age, to understand the ramifications and just how much Work is still left to do, despite the many years of reading, therapy. I finally got a glimpse of just how much I used dissociation to keep anxiety at manageable levels growing up, and at what a steep cost. My childhood is remembered as mostly a collection of snapshots.

That said, the book has been eye-opening in that it so perfectly describes the core issues (primarily Connection and Autonomy, Trust) and the resultant survival strategies in a way that finally hit home – which is why the book has been so unsettling. It’s spot on. The good news is that I finally understand why these survival strategies have been difficult to dispense with, despite knowing on some level (even if dimly) that they are ultimately self-defeating. One can’t simply kick out a worn-out beam supporting a structure until a scaffold is built in preparation for a stronger permanent structure – but the book gives us a blueprint for the work!!

So – yeah, it does feel a bit like going back to square one..but with a good deal more knowledge and better tools to work with. Have an appointment with a NeurOptimal practitioner in the coming week and am looking forward to the next steps.

Thank you so much Laura for recommending this book – it does feel like part of the ‘help on the way’!!

Also thanks for sharing the Krakatoa clip and the powerful reminder to not despair - it was very timely since I succumbed to the flu this week. It was so annoying as I have not been this sick in years, but being kind of out of it actually helps to see more as I haven't had the energy to keep certain programs shored up - so in a way it's been useful if not fun. :(

 

[Arwenn]

~ Basically, I have or use some degree of every survival strategy. It is like I have an underlying anxiety where I on a continuous basically think about or worry about what others think about me or what I think they think about what I’m doing with my life, as one example. The description from the book about hypervigilance and hyperawareness really hit home with me in terms of my normal underlying state.

It has also put front and center the understanding that for a big part of my life I lived mostly in a dissociative state, especially as a child and this is probably one reason I don’t remember much from when I was a kid. The thing is the overall impact of having survival strategies drive my life and living in a dissociative state has decreased with the work I did with my counselor, effort to understand and learn from all the material here, yet it is still there at a lower level and I really think influences me in a big way even it doesn’t have as strong a hold on me as it once did. I also have come to understand the reason I drank and abused alcohol during my life is that its influence took all of the anxiety and worries away for a time and allowed me to feel ‘alive’ and ‘normal’. I for the most part have not acted or been in connection with my core self during my life.
~
I think in some ways like I’m starting from scratch, but influenced by a lifetime worth of programs, survival strategies and biases as I move forward. It gives me an unusual freeing feeling and seeing that I could be free or have freedom moving forward, but with some fear, since fear of some kind has always had an impact on how I think and what I think about.

Thanks for your post Bear, you have elucidated much of what I have been thinking and feeling of late. I too tend to dissociative thinking, have gaps in my memory of the past, with a lot of anxiety and fear always in the background. My initial reaction on reading the excerpts (I'm still awaiting the arrival of the book in the post) was one of dismay at just how warped my machine is, from those early programs. I'm feeling better about it as I realise we are all affected by these programs and as Laura mentioned a few posts back, this is not the time to get discouraged. Looking forward to the feedback from Caesarea about the NeuroOptimal, as a tool in helping sort some of this out.

Thank you very much, Laura! You allways have the right words at the right time.

Yes, thank you very much Laura.

Indeed, thank you Laura for your words of encouragement and for the book suggestions.

 

[Altair]

So I concur what others mentioned already, that there doesn't seem to be a category in which everyone fits in a clear-cut way. It's quite interesting to see (using myself as a case example) how there are more categories at play and how they can also overlap in regards to personal issues relating to several areas in life, reaction patterns to (certain) situations and how one 'sees' the world.

FWIW, after reading the introduction and the overview chapter which gave me a rough idea about the categories and how they could apply personally, I searched for an online test of the five adaptive survival styles relating to the NARM approach and found the following one:_https://www.quiz-maker.com/QX7DRW

Thank you for sharing the quiz. I think it's very useful one because it gives you a distrubution of all 5 survival strategies. Here is a quote from quiz results:

Although this is your main adaptive style, we all have a combination of the five adaptive styles. They show up in different circumstances and moments of our lives, and we usually have one or two as our main way to deal with life.

An adaptation is a protection like the chameleon that adapt to its environment to protect itself from potential predators. While we are functioning unconsciously in our adaptive styles we are just protecting ourselves from the world and other people; not living the full potential of who we are. It is successful in a way but painful in another.