Help with finding a girlfriend

[GaëlYann]

Using a list of quality criteria to search for a partner is a process that drastically reduces applications. And among the partners to remove from this list which tells us that a partner did not really suit us with qualities that we did not think about?

A rich man who owns his yacht can afford to have targeted criteria where he is spoiled for choice but it is without having any illusions about the loyalty and interest that his partner has in him.

A dominant woman into BDSM and respect don't go very well together. In the long term she risks losing interest in the relationship.
A woman who has so much interest in sex, we can legitimately imagine that she might also want to experiment with several partners.

A faithful, respectful and honest woman is the most important and more than enough.

For my part, meeting my wife was improbable at first. I met him on the tram. She did not speak a single word of French and had no permanent home. She was an illegal immigrant of Balkan origin. I only saw her on the tram and after a while, our locked glances were no longer enough for me. I decided to go talk to him. She only understood one word. Coffee. She didn't want to give me her number but made me understand that she was willing to go for coffee. It took me more than a month or two to manage to give him my number discreetly. I didn't realize it until later but her parents were there every time and she didn't want them to notice the situation. We ended up doing this Rendezvous and to my surprise, she had been studying French the whole time and we were able to have a satisfying conversation. Since then, she has learned French, obtained her diploma as a caregiver and then a nurse. We are married and have a child. We are stable and everything is fine.

In short, with few criteria I found the rare gem.

 

[Happy Poo]

Hi there.. Read this thread and must say i appreciate you being direct and forthright about what your looking for, although can echo what others have said here like being more sorted yourself and dealing with the bleakness before going into a relationship. It can be a massive pitfall.


Having had some epic fails regards to relationships and making bad choices when I was in a very bleak situation can say it is risky.

I'm not in a relationship now and probably never will be due to past experiences that were awful, it was also about the person's family and people surrounding them so it's good to get to know their friends and family as well before going headlong.

What happened was really dark. Not saying more it would take a very long time.

I've been put off for life and am quite alright on my own ha! Maybe you don't want to end up like me Although never say never, I could find someone who knows. If I do then a big lesson is to take a very long time to get to know the behaviour of others before committing to any kind of relationship, and to relate on a more spiritual level.

And to be happy with life and more settled before relationship, or stuff along those lines still trying to work it out lol.


Also when I placed too much emphasis on the "outer" sides of the person like their job, looks, finding things attractive that were really not very "deep" about them this was also a pitfall.

I did notice that you had a bit of a tick box going on there lol.. And this is normal as in I've met a lot of guys who have these kind of criteria but it could hinder you if it becomes too ridgid like others say.

Eg would you turn someone down if they had green eyes rather than blue even if they were great in other ways? (If I'm honest mate this did come across a bit superficial!).

I just take people as they are.. There can be vast realms inside us that take an age to get to know, and takes a lot of patience. Surfaces can be very misleading.

My biggest mistakes again was going headlong into a situation, mainly because of physical attraction, that became so damaging, emotionally and physically, not only for me but for the other too. For various reasons including behaviour of in-laws.

I ended up in a right mess, didn't make choices that were more authentic to my true self, not something that was based on a truly deep love and connection on a soul level.

Which my intuition told me and I ignored. If something feels wrong for some reason you can't explain, it usually is.

And Again what happened was also because I was already in a sh*t situation and it was not just because of physical attraction..So, this can really leave someone open. As i was actually aware of it being a more physical thing, had already been there before but was in desperate need of support at the time.


But it may be something you have to go through. Although I remember the C's saying something like they would prefer if we learned lessons less painfully, (if at all possible.my words ) it just comes down to choices.

Relationships can be a big hook to get us into destructive situations, if you already not in a good situation in life maybe take a step back and find something you love doing and grow yourself, hobbies, work, exercise etc like others have said here.

But that's up to you lol at end of day lol ...Just thought it worth sharing some experiences I've had.

 

[GaëlYann]

This is what is missing in our current society. Teaching teenagers the steps to becoming an adult. What they must acquire to become responsible and independent adults. The required qualities and preparation before finding a partner. Know how to choose your partner and evolve together peacefully.

If a man and a woman find themselves alone on a desert island, we have no other choice but to develop our qualities and skills linked to our sex to share the tasks to survive.

In our current society, we are moving away from intrinsic nature. A man who works in an office no longer has the obligation to develop his mind and his strength. Women spend less time with their children.

 

[GaëlYann]

And with the woke and feminist movements we are losing all haunts

 

[SHNAGFNAY]

@Quadriad, very good advice! I definitely consider what you have written. I really should try to move as quick as possible and "install" myself in the new city.

I'm not sure dating sites are a good idea.

I suppose dating sites are a bad idea. I joined Tinder and some other site about a month ago, without any luck. Haven't really gone all in but my impression is that they are like cheap commercials where they want you to sign up for more and pay.

I don't think members of this forum come with the intention of meeting lovers, not at all. If that's what you think, then I think you have the wrong idea about this forum.

I don't think that either.

You find an activity to meet people. Sorry for the bad translation.

The translation seems fine.

I met the most amazing woman and married her - after I stopped looking…

Congratulations!

I strongly suggest you reach out to someone.

I will bring this up on dec 13th with my Psychiatric contacts. It also happens to be on my birthday. I will get 'a butt injection' on that day and then meet a female person who maybe can point me in the right direction.

Me too. From your descriptions, it sounds like you need some help to get yourself into a better position in life. First things first.

Yes.

Getting some counselling can help you.

Sure thing, I did make it seem like an advertisement, I guess.

How good is your chat with the girls? Also, why would you want to join the military at this time?

I think will send a mail after my studies has neared its completion to the navy or maybe the military. It's something I think I will enjoy pursuing. I have thought about it for a long time and think maybe that I should at least attempt the path and see where it can lead. As a matter of fact, I am not experienced much talking with girls.

This is baked noodles if I ever saw one.

Come on? Okay. By the way, have only eaten noodles like one time in my life and I don't even recall when.

Excuse me if I rude here, but I want to help you, to "refresh" your mind.

You don't seem rude at all.

As someone who has struggled with depression and anger issues in the past, I am well aware of the worldviews that I have experienced accompany the "bleakness" that the poster spoke about, and I just hoped to once again emphasise that a man in the "bleakness" mode is not healthy relationship material (and the vast majority of quality partners will sense this and keep themselves well away), and that sex is probably not even part of the solution to the immediate problem, and, with a wrong partner (who is increasingly likely to be attracted at such times, if anyone shows up at all) may, in fact, aggravate the problem by creating strong attachment to another person with serious emotional issues of their own. Good luck dealing with double the MH problems then!

I am sorry to hear that. I never really had anger issues, but I have been without patience and fled my apartment and traveled around many times. This time however it has affected my economy for the first time in a really bad way. But I have paid the bills and is broke right now, and hopefully I can recover from this with speed. I don't feel depressed, but I do begin to wonder if I need insulin or something because I get into a bad state from time to time, and I suspect it is something to do with my digestive system.

Btw, sometimes I wonder if the person I am replying with is a male or female.

Is one of the qualities you like her to have standards?

Umm, I can write a short list of things here that I think is what she maybe would call requirements:

I too must keep:
A good hygiene
Clean up after myself
Clean up
Keep a good track of the economy
Have a driver's license
Income
Respect her friends and family
Cook food
Be healthy
Be realistic with problems

So, I think I can work on myself to meet all those criteria.

I'm also curious about what you think she would be looking for in a man and how her list of preferred qualities would compare to a list of your own personal qualities.

Realistically, I may look good on photo, but I do have my pores, navuses and thin wrists. I think her standards should be what I wrote above in response to AI. I have no problem if she has some huge pimple exploding juices all over the place etc. So, one of the standards for both me and her is that we may have to compromise to each other somewhat and that no one is perfect after all.

 

[Wandering Star]

There is something that bothers me about this thread, but it is simply because of my vision or perspective on life.

Looking for a girlfriend, with requirements and speculations, for me doesn't have much difference from buying a car.

I want...

And also I want...

Because I want to...

A person is not an object to be possessed and that's it.

The relationship with another person, whether romantic or friendship, will arise naturally..., or not.

You don't have to look for anything.

I understand people who feel alone and complain about it, but on the other hand, there are people who want to have a moment of solitude for themselves and also complain about it, about always having to be with people around asking for help or things to him/her.

In my experience, when you stop searching and demanding from the universe, that's when amazing things happen.

Of course, it's my opinion and if it doesn't match yours, that's okay too.

 

[Search]

You don't seem rude at all.

Ok, than I will continue.
The way you described a girlfriend looks for me like you just need a "tool" .


Do you have some male friends?, ask them for help.
You have to kick that s*it out of your head.

They will be your first therapist.

 

[Search]

How much do you drink and how often?

Maybe you have porn addiction, because as I said before, alcohol and sex is connected.

Sex is a trap of this world, it will never be enough, and in such a condition you are you will fall into deeper trap, from my view of perspective.

I'm trying to help you here.

Fetishes is fine, all of us have different ones.

Good news here, that girls sort of more adaptive in this area, also in the area of music, driving, the stuff you like if they love you. It is long subject.

I'm saying mine experience and experiences of my friends, the people I met, etc.

 

[Search]

I hope you will try to understand what I'm saying.

From another perspective, It looks like you are searching for a "nurse" girlfriend , but not a girlfriend.
Even though if you find that one, you will fall into another trap.
It will really be hard for you to love her, when you will recover. I heard a lot of such cases.

 

[SHNAGFNAY]

Do you have some male friends?, ask them for help.
You have to kick that s*it out of your head.

They will be your first therapist.

I meet people from time to time, but I have no regular basis contact. I sort of don't want male friends, and should get a girlfriend instead.

How much do you drink and how often?

Maybe you have porn addiction, because as I said before, alcohol and sex is connected.

I had not been drinking for some years, but recently began drinking again. But not that much lately. I never visit porn websites.

I hope you will try to understand what I'm saying.

I would be fine being the 'tool' or 'teddy bear' in the dynamic. But that is just aspects of things and no big deal.

It will really be hard for you to love her, when you will recover. I heard a lot of such cases.

It's probably emotionally rooted in me. Anyways, I never heard of such cases.

 

[SHNAGFNAY]

In short, with few criteria I found the rare gem.

Love between people makes me happy. You have something I don't have. And it's okay, but I will really try to sort this out for myself.

 

[SHNAGFNAY]

Of course, it's my opinion and if it doesn't match yours, that's okay too.

The feeling I get after reading your post is that it doesn't match.

 

[Anamarija]

I am looking for someone that likes sex, food and drinking.

Who will pay for the food and drinks?

 

[Search]

I meet people from time to time, but I have no regular basis contact. I sort of don't want male friends, and should get a girlfriend instead.

It is not about sex, but good friends will pick you up, so to say. They can help you even with finding a girlfriend.

 

[SHNAGFNAY]

Who will pay for the food and drinks?

A general rule would be that we pay evenly. But I suppose, if for some reason me or her has lots of money, in theory, I would not feel bad paying her food and drinks and then I would expect the same back another time.