How are you feeling?

[Ryan]

All this has just come up in the last 3 weeks.

And all this came up out of the blue.

These kinds of moods can seem to 'come out of the blue', but often they are the results of incremental choices that have been moving us in a particular direction, the challenges of which we initially have only the vaguest notions of. As realisation begins to shift from the theoretical to the real, the new awareness can be accompanied by a tendency to deeply oppose accepting the implications:

Q: (L) I tried to share this perception with other people, and almost without exception, when I said to people that I was finally seeing things in their true state and it was NOT a pretty picture, they all said "well, you are obviously seeing this through the eyes of some major spirit possession!" Why would they say this?
A: First of all, it is not correct to perceive "everything in such darkness and gloom, etc." That is merely the result of a cocoon of falsehood being removed. Celebrate the balance. Don't mourn the death of an illusion of an imbalance.

"So that we can imagine the whole of humanity, known as well as unknown to us, as consisting so to speak of several concentric circles.

"The inner circle is called the 'esoteric'; this circle consists of people who have attained the highest development possible for man, each one of whom possesses individuality in the fullest degree, that is to say, an indivisible 'I,' all forms of consciousness possible for man, full control over these states of consciousness, the whole of knowledge possible for man, and a free and independent will. They cannot perform actions opposed to their understanding or have an understanding which is not expressed by actions. At the same time there can be no discords among them, no differences of understanding. Therefore their activity is entirely co-ordinated and leads to one common aim without any kind of compulsion because it is based upon a common and identical understanding.

"The next circle is called the 'mesoteric,' that is to say, the middle. People who belong to this circle possess all the qualities possessed by the members of the esoteric circle with the sole difference that their knowledge is of a more theoretical character.' This refers, of course, to knowledge of a cosmic character. They know and understand many things which have not yet found expression in their actions. They know more than they do. But their understanding is precisely as exact as, and therefore precisely identical with, the understanding of the people of the esoteric circle. Between them there can be, no discord, there can be no misunderstanding. One understands in the way they all understand, and all understand in the way one understands. But as was said before, this understanding compared with the understanding of the esoteric circle is somewhat more theoretical.

"The third circle is called the 'exoteric,' that is, the outer, because it is the outer circle of the inner part of humanity. The people who belong to this circle possess much of that which belongs to people of the esoteric and mesoteric circles but their cosmic knowledge is of a more philosophical character, that is to say, it is more abstract than the knowledge of the mesoteric circle. A member of the mesoteric circle calculates, a member of the exoteric circle contemplates. Their understanding may not be expressed in actions. But there cannot be differences in understanding between them. What one understands all the others understand.

"In literature which acknowledges the existence of esotericism humanity is usually divided into two circles only and the 'exoteric circle' as opposed to the 'esoteric,' is called ordinary life. In reality, as we see, the 'exoteric circle' is something very far from us and very high. For ordinary man this is already 'esotericism.'

" 'The outer circle' is the circle of mechanical humanity to which we belong and which alone we know. The first sign of this circle is that among people who belong to it there is not and there cannot be a common understanding. Everybody understands in his own way and all differently. This circle is sometimes called the circle of the 'confusion of tongues,' that is, the circle in which each one speaks in his own particular language, where no one understands another and takes no trouble to be understood. In this circle mutual understanding between people is impossible excepting in rare exceptional moments or in matters having no great significance, and which are confined to the limits of the given being.

If people belonging to this circle become conscious of this general lack of understanding and acquire a desire to understand and to be understood, then it means they have an unconscious tendency towards the inner circle because mutual understanding begins only in the exoteric circle and is possible only there. But the consciousness of the lack of understanding usually comes to people in an altogether different form.

"So that the possibility for people to understand depends on the possibility of penetrating into the exoteric circle where understanding begins.

Luc elaborates on this "beginning of understanding" most excellently in his article about Paul's Journey Towards Communion with God:

Once you have “received the law,” a few interesting things happen:

First, by trying to follow it, you realize how utterly incapable you are of pulling it off. Yes, depending on your character, you might have an easy time with some of the rules. But to follow others seems almost impossible. Think of cleaning your room and making your bed every day, giving up your addictions (whether they be food, Netflix, sex, material pursuits, gaming, internet surfing, and so on), or your standard coping mechanisms with conflict (too agreeable, too disagreeable, too avoidant, too angry…)

I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. (Romans 7)

Second, you begin to realize how sinful your existence has been in the past, and how sinful your conduct is even now, given that you are so incapable of following even the most basic moral rules.

This is quite the shock and leads to suffering and spiritual agony.

It was sin that was working death in me through what is good, in order that it might be shown to be sin, so that through the commandment sin might become sinful beyond measure. (Romans 7)

But this realization about your “sinfulness beyond measure” is a good thing, because this fire of self-judgment, when tolerated and gone through forthrightly, can burn away those buffers of yours that had always quenched this subtle inner voice which is your connection to the divine, to the world of spirit.

But if we judged ourselves, we would not be judged. (1 Corinthians 11)

That stage represents first contact with Christ. You cannot escape those realizations because Christ has shown, by example, that it is possible to live a fully spiritual life, to live almost entirely in the world of spirit while still on earth, even against all the obstacles put in your way by the flesh, the inertia, the sluggishness of your bodily existence.

Christ came, and so you don’t have any excuses anymore. At least those of us who have an inkling that there is more, who walk according to the Spirit, even though we are still stumbling.

…by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and to deal with sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, so that the just requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. (Romans 8)

Third, you begin to realize that moral rules are not the whole story; they are merely imposed from without to keep us from going overboard. As Timothy Ashworth put it, they are a “childminder.”3

Now before faith came, we were imprisoned and guarded under the law until faith would be revealed. Therefore the law was our disciplinarian until Christ came, so that we might be reckoned as righteous by faith. (Galatians 3)

Yes, it is true, in our own age of utter nihilism and madness, we have lost even the little we had; we have lost the law, the moral code. But this code can never be more than a crutch, and the suffering that follows the adoption of a moral code, in combination with gaining a first inkling of Christ, for a person who in theory has “eyes to see and ears to hear”—who walks according to the Spirit—brings home that point with great force.

You realize that a moral code can never tell you how to act in each individual situation. That every rule can be easily used to justify evil, even without contradiction. That you need to go beyond mere rules and develop a deep, loving, truthful inner moral compass.

For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me. (Gal. 2)

At this stage, you are an “infant in Christ.” Remember that everything Paul says must be seen from the perspective of the spiritual world, not the earthly one. Being in Christ, even at the early stages, therefore, has nothing to do with “accepting the gospel story as literal truth” or anything like that, but with forming a personal connection to the Christ spirit, and hence to the Divine.

Once the Christ spirit “burst through” for the first time during the period of spiritual suffering (because of your realizations about yourself as a consequence of adopting the law), you can begin the journey towards ever-greater realization and communion with the Christ spirit. This in turn will open your heart and eyes more and more, and you will gradually live more in the world of spirit, and see the world according to the principles of the spiritual world, as opposed to those of the world of flesh. It is a journey of struggle, of overcoming yourself, of realizations, of listening to those wiser than you, and most importantly of achieving ever-greater clarity in your communion with the higher: you keep getting better at listening to this subtle inner voice, at stopping to drown it in fear, reluctance, and comfort.

But it is God who establishes us with you in Christ and has anointed us, who has put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a first installment. (2 Corinthians 1)

These deep realizations, this beginning of the divine connection, are a free gift from God, in the sense that it wouldn’t be possible without the help of Spirit. Your own contribution is simply to stop standing in the way with all your fleshly nonsense. Which is a tall order indeed, especially in this day and age where we are so incredibly conditioned to think exclusively in materialist terms, where most of us are traumatized in one way or another, where our very language has almost become inadequate to deal with the spiritual realms, where we are bombarded daily with craziness and ignorance and evilness.

Hence faith is the key. It connects us with the “first installment” that we have received if we are people who walk according to the spirit, at least in potential.

This path is so difficult that you must be deeply convinced of the “good news,” that is, of the possibility that a life lived fully “in Christ” is possible and ultimately the only goal worth pursuing. You must connect to the “first installment” in your heart, for it will tell you the truth of the matter. Most likely you will also have to come across something that finally breaks down all those elaborate buffers and theories you have built around yourself—something that convinces you of the reality of Christ/Spirit, and the possibility of a personal connection, of growth towards a life of “seeing the unseen,” of fully walking according to the Spirit.

But how are they to call on one in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in one of whom they have never heard? (Romans 10)

Deeper and more detailed confirmation comes along the way; but what gets you started and what sustains you throughout the journey is an awakened faith.

Q: (L) Where do I go from here? Where do we all go?
A: Everywhere.

 

[Asa]

These kinds of moods can seem to 'come out of the blue', but often they are the results of incremental choices that have been moving us in a particular direction, the challenges of which we initially have only the vaguest notions of. As realisation begins to shift from the theoretical to the real, the new awareness can be accompanied by a tendency to deeply oppose accepting the implications:



Luc elaborates on this "beginning of understanding" most excellently in his article about Paul's Journey Towards Communion with God:

Fantastic, thanks Ryan. Luc's article is terrific as well

 

[FM258]

Since my Mom's death in April, I have been feeling really off, more than usual. My Dad has been gone for 42 years and that was a difficult period of time also, but now both parents are gone...maybe thats part of it...both are gone...you are officially orphaned. Coupled with the state of this country, the dishonest and corrupt media, the unconstitutional and tyrannical government...the high cost of everything....the shitty roads we have to drive on... Just wanted to say im hurting to my core...hoping for better days ahead. We all have our problems, issues and burdens, and while this is a dark time, Im also grateful for the things I have and feel very lucky...it could be a lot worse.

 

[dani]

Hey Dani, sounds like you need a break or a retreat. I can’t remember if you have a husband or local support system, but if you do, maybe get them lined up behind you and do something that feeds your soul. At times, even though it can sound like STS, it’s time for self-healing, resetting boundaries, and doing what YOU want, just for fun, a contemplative reflection away from your usual environs. Balance. And you can’t serve anyone in an STO manner if you’re burned out and have a lousy attitude. For me, that’s my dashboard idiot light.

No husband or local support system. I am the matriarch of my family. I care for my ailing elderly parents, my three children, my 5 pets, and I am the source of advice for many due to my medical training in allopathic, naturopathic, and homeopathic methods. I was married to a narcissist at minimum, psychopath more likely, for 25 years, but now divorced for 3 years. Unfortunately, my current life does not allow me much time for vacations or retreats. I have not struggled with any of this until 3 weeks ago.

Thank you everyone for your care and advice. I truly appreciate it all.

 

[Happy Poo]

For the past few weeks, I have been having overwhelming feelings of despair and disgust. I am disgusted with our world, and, ironically, myself. All the things I have done in my life are coming up. All the negative. Despite being an empath, I have done some things that now disgust me. I see my disgust with myself, as the disgust with the world, and that it was ME that created it. I feel as if I am responsible for the state of earth. I do not have the will to do the most basic things. I no longer want to be part of the light. I dont want to be part of the dark. I just want to disappear. I am trying to get my life in order...selling my house after I clean it out. Getting rid of everything I have collected in this lifetime. I am very angry with myself for having 3 children and 5 pets. I no longer want to take care of them. I don't want to help my ailing elderly parents, or talk with my sister. I don't want to practice medicine and healing, not even the functional approach I have learned, nor homeopathy. All this has just come up in the last 3 weeks. It is a very dark place and I don't know if I can come out of it... I am not sure I want to anymore. I feel as if I died a few weeks ago, and I am just here cleaning up my mess and getting things in order. And all this came up out of the blue. I am not sure if this is an attack from 4D STS or if I am just getting my soul smashed, but either way, I find it impossible to muster the strength to care.

Hi dani I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling like this. There have been times in my life where I've felt similar ways, I think I've experienced something like a transmarginal inhibition type thing that slowly broke me down to the point that I'd pretty much resigned myself to becoming an amoeba. I knew that my soul was being destroyed, and didn't really care.

I didn't have the energy to think properly, was just trying to survive from day to day let alone have the energy to network or be involved in the work here. I'd given up, and the overwhelming feeling was total exhaustion, disgust with the world, others, and especially myself, because of my behaviour toward my mum, who I was supposed to be helping and caring for but through my own difficulties was often making the situation worse and harming her sometimes more than helping her. .Also having very little help and support, and had many of my own problems. I didn't have the ability to communicate and didn't know how to ask for help or whom to turn to..

I think these are some sort of attacks especially when they make us think that we are to blame for everything, it seems to be part of how the dark forces can work to break us down. I made so many bad decisions in my life, there are many things I regret. But these were done under influences of darkness. So who was really 'behind' it? And even when sometimes I did know what was going on, I just had no energy to do anything about it, so how can I put the blame soully on myself?

Also at that time, I had little knowledge of myself or much else to understand that the choices I was making were wrong.
So how can I blame myself when I didn't know what I was doing? When I didn't understand what was happening to us?

This def doesn't mean that I don't have to take responsibility for myself. Or my choices and the mistakes I made. It just means that at that time, I didn't have the knowledge or resources to do this.

It's really difficult to make any decent choices in life after being programmed to develop on a totally wrong foundation, and waking up to this was and still is very difficult. It looks like this was part of lifelong attacks or negative situations when I look back at school, the environment etc.. Like many others here.

And I've made some poor relationship choices! But was in a very vulnerable situation when I did. And as usual, they exploit our weaknesses. Mine being physical attraction.. Although suitable men/partners have never really crossed my path either lol! (Well not entirely true, when I was a youth there were a couple.. )
Most males who have ever shown an interest in me have been predatory types or not what you'd describe as the type of person to be in a relationship with.

And most of my decisions had come from a place of ignorance, under influences of STS. At the time, I had very few weapons to fight it and very little Knowledge compared to now. I still have little knowledge, but it's alot more than I had before, and now I have energy to do something about it.
But it only happened when I asked for help and finally started to pray..

I look back and in hindsight I could have reached out to family members also and shared what was happening, and also to friends and possibly groups that are there for caregivers who provide support.
There is help out there for people in this situation.. But again I just didn't have the energy or ability to communicate properly, I didn't have the ability to make better choices at that time, so (and I'm still trying to work through these regrets and forgive myself), it's not fair to keep beating ourselves up about disasters of the past. I do now take responsibility, but I don't blame myself. They were just very very painful lessons and still are.

Maybe there are groups that can help you with caring for your parents at the very least, and provide you with support and encouragement. And your sister needs to get involved and help too imo. Also maybe you have extended family who can at least come and help with the odd weekend? Can you get into groups with single mums and maybe they could direct you to find a solution?

And I stay well away from men now after my life experiences! I would rather protect myself!
I don't get the idea of men and masculinity being protectors of women either, well not in this world, (I know there are some exceptions definitely, like my brother, and late father, some friends, people here .. ), and its just opinion based on my experiences. . All too often the opposite seems to be true in real life. Some women (and men) seem to be better off alone in many cases. (And obvs healthy relationships are beneficial) but seem rare due to the pathological personality types that also seem to be more common than not, in society as a whole at present. Forum members excluded from this opinion of course! And my male friends. (Trust me you guys are the exception!)

Also I'm not saying that what happened to me necessary applies to you dani and I don't want to pretend to know about whats happening, but I can share some experiences in the hope that it helps. I've not shared in the swamp but maybe one day who knows, as I find writing about it quite difficult. Maybe one day you can share in more detail so that people can help.

I've also moved several times, and know the feeling of being in a situation where everything has to be sorted.. After it's done though your bound to feel better! Its really chaotic for a while but will settle after your all sorted. It was like getting rid of all the old stuff really mirrored the inner life too, and I'm hoping once you've cleared out and organised everything then your inner life will be similar and reflect this.
I think you are very brave to leave a relationship in your situation.

All my love to you, big hug ❤

 

[Chetofloj]

No husband or local support system. I am the matriarch of my family. I care for my ailing elderly parents, my three children, my 5 pets, and I am the source of advice for many due to my medical training in allopathic, naturopathic, and homeopathic methods. I was married to a narcissist at minimum, psychopath more likely, for 25 years, but now divorced for 3 years. Unfortunately, my current life does not allow me much time for vacations or retreats. I have not struggled with any of this until 3 weeks ago.

Thank you everyone for your care and advice. I truly appreciate it all.

What a situation! children, parents, pets... In my case I am single, I am 40 years old, I have four pets and I have divorced parents.
I don't complain much, I just do what I like, although I do take responsibility for my pets.
I thought about going to France one day but I don't think so, although I have my job, it's enough for me, I don't have cars or motorcycles, it's just enough for me to live, let's say I'm poor, but it's enough for me to live, I don't have my own house, but I do rent and well, every person has a life to lead, I wonder when the help that the C's say will be on the way? or maybe help is always present, it just takes a little optimism, courage and faith.

 

[SlipNet]

@dani your tale has moved me to respond. Like others have said here to you, I have known very tough times in years gone by. However I'm not a parent, so don't have the depth of responsibility that you've taken on as a spiritual burden. Know this one thing; as a Mother, you have the love and gratitude of the Divine Cosmic Mind. You're as parents laying the groundwork of a new generation of children, and from there they individually sculpt how their future unfolds. It's a task that not all of us are right for, and as an Uncle I appreciate the work you parents do. All you can do is lay down a sound foundation for spiritual growth. I think existence is threefold in exposition; as human souls, you are:

1 What You Know

2 What You Do

3 What You Believe

From these 3 nodal points of knowledge/being, you can figure out how much about life and the world, it's all within you to work things out from here. You expand the first point, you test the second, and you question the third. from her you can develop a Karmic/Simple platform to develop your understanding of who you are. As a system I have found it to be useful. By using this 3 point system, in 2016 I figured out how to get to know and understand my soul root, my true objective self! It was a wonderful experience to finally make progress in my understandings in life I can tell you.

When I had a breakdown in 2004, I had an Iraqi friend. As I was suffering and flailing around socially, he took me aside one day and said to me: "I know you're suffering now, but I say this one thing to you; you have no idea how strong you are!". Those words resounded in my head as I struggled with schizophrenia in the years 2004-16. In the 8 years since then I have resorted to a system of pragmatism to get my world back in line. The 3 point concept I laid out above is how I slowly managed to turn things around. Challenge you knowledge/being and proceed with a good-natured, inquisitive mind. I could waffle on about the bad times of mental sorrow I went through, but it would only discourage you. Really understand that you don't as yet know what you're capable of. Use that knowledge as a springboard to a responsible, brave future for both you and your family.

Learning of your troubles has reminded me also that we need to keep an eye out to those who we know who are suffering today. We are facing the birth pangs of a new, more worldly-wise reality, where people know full well where the "mark of the beast" is coming from. Heck, the Quorum has convened for the first time since 1984, so we must be on the cusp of very interesting times today. Do all you can to keep yourself well informed, and go easy on yourself too. No one soul can carry the weight of the world, we do that together. All the best to you in your future works.

 

[BHelmet]

No husband or local support system. I am the matriarch of my family. I care for my ailing elderly parents, my three children, my 5 pets, and I am the source of advice for many due to my medical training in allopathic, naturopathic, and homeopathic methods. I was married to a narcissist at minimum, psychopath more likely, for 25 years, but now divorced for 3 years. Unfortunately, my current life does not allow me much time for vacations or retreats. I have not struggled with any of this until 3 weeks ago.

Thank you everyone for your care and advice. I truly appreciate it all.

Thanks for your time you took to respond. Certainly from your background you realize that a candle can be burned at both ends for only so long. If you endure a more serious breakdown without much support, how disastrous would that be? Sometimes a small break is better than doggedly persisting until “God” administers a knockout punch to get the message across.

IOW, if you don’t start allowing yourself to be supported and actively create a network of support (which requires trust, delegation and relinquishment of total control) then the divine Zen master may get out a bigger two by four.
That’s certainly one of the lessons of this life: allowing yourself to be supported; to graciously receive. Even if it is just for one day. If you are giving left and right to everyone and they appreciate you, they will rally around you if you ask, OSIT.

Sorry to be a bit of a hard case, but, I am familiar with this syndrome in myself and my wife too. It sounds like the universe is delivering a message; a lesson. Here is a case in point that is similar: at a certain point, my wife was involved in two car accidents which were “not her fault” that caused some brain trauma which forced her to quit her hospital lab tech (micro-bio+chemistry) job.

She is such a high achiever which was driven by her family of origin, she couldn’t just say, “Honey, this job is too stressful, the environment is toxic and I’m starting to crack up-I need to quit”. The universe had to force it on her. I know your situation is diff and I could be WAY off base, but this is what I am smelling.

I wish you the best. I have wonderful friends in Winfield. Heck, your story makes me feel like I want to support you. I am sure there are others close by who feel the same way. Pay ‘em a few bucks so you can “get out of Dodge”, even if it’s just for a half a day. Personal autonomy is so important to mental and emotional health. I know you know this.

My apologies if I have intrusively over-stepped the bounds a bit, but yadda yadda.

 

[iamthatis]

Since my Mom's death in April, I have been feeling really off, more than usual. My Dad has been gone for 42 years and that was a difficult period of time also, but now both parents are gone...maybe thats part of it...both are gone...you are officially orphaned. Coupled with the state of this country, the dishonest and corrupt media, the unconstitutional and tyrannical government...the high cost of everything....the shitty roads we have to drive on... Just wanted to say im hurting to my core...hoping for better days ahead. We all have our problems, issues and burdens, and while this is a dark time, Im also grateful for the things I have and feel very lucky...it could be a lot worse.

My condolences to you and your family. The passing of a loved one - in particular a parent - can be so challenging. The relationship is usually hugely complex already, and when it ends, theres a strange way it continues, but also does not. The feelings can be so intense.

To make matters even harder, we live in a society that is grief illiterate. We have this sort of sick mandatory happiness culture, where there no free space to suffer properly, and in good company. I know I didn’t have good examples of healthy grief, and its taken a while to understand that its perfectly okay to feel the hole in our lives and miss the ones who have gone on to 5D. Like any literacy, becoming able to grieve takes time, patience and practice.

Mainstream culture is also super death phobic, addicted to youth and longevity, so death is not really explored or discussed in any meaningful way. As a consequence, neither is life. And neither is the soul. Its all very materialist and repressed. Ive found that the Afterlife reading materials have been a huge help in remedying all that. Including the NDE accounts which are full of very positive messages.

Knowing that the end is not the end, and that we have tens of thousands of ancestors - beings of light - who are watching over us and loving us has helped me cope with despair and pain and confusion. Its been very heartening to pray to those ancestors for guidance, as the Cs have suggested.

All that to say, it makes sense to feel what youre feeling. Its not easy, but its real. And thats what matters.

Check out the Afterlife thread and some of the books mentioned there - it may help you come to terms with the feeling of being an orphan. On one level that is true, but on another level you're also a being of light, and there is a family of light all around you at all times.

 

[candasiri]

Hi @dani that truly sounds like the toughest of situations. Will you have more time when your kids go back to school, that is if they are school-aged? As a new mother, I now know that there is no other weighty and sacred burden than having children. But is also through having a child that I have learned lessons in a way that I would not have had I remained childless.

My shamanic healer was able to get me out of some very desperate emotional times. I also worked with a therapist who specialized in internal family systems. You're probably not looking for advice, but if I were you I would get some time to myself no matter how much it costs and use it for healing in whatever way that looks like for you.

Dr Ramani also has support group for survivor's of narcissistic abuse.

 

[Happy Poo]

Just re read my post, i think its too harsh about men really.. My experiences are too limited to make that kind of statement. Although there are alot of people with problems out there for sure, I think my opinion is distorted because of difficult experiences. There are probably more good guys around than I think, or i hope there are.

 

[Happy Poo]

Since my Mom's death in April, I have been feeling really off, more than usual. My Dad has been gone for 42 years and that was a difficult period of time also, but now both parents are gone...maybe thats part of it...both are gone...you are officially orphaned. Coupled with the state of this country, the dishonest and corrupt media, the unconstitutional and tyrannical government...the high cost of everything....the shitty roads we have to drive on... Just wanted to say im hurting to my core...hoping for better days ahead. We all have our problems, issues and burdens, and while this is a dark time, Im also grateful for the things I have and feel very lucky...it could be a lot worse.

Hey there, I'm in a similar situation.. lost my dad 34 years ago and my mum passed recently also. Its getting easier but very slowly. Just to say I really know how you feel! Would like to send you my condolences also. Take care and all the best FM258.

 

[Ramis1]

Unfortunately or fortunately, I am very sensitive and today August 16, I feel something very bad, suffering, devastation, I am not let go of this state, maybe some energies are coming in. It's as if bandits have broken into your house and are wreaking havoc. Does anyone experience similar feelings?

 

[MJF]

No husband or local support system. I am the matriarch of my family. I care for my ailing elderly parents, my three children, my 5 pets, and I am the source of advice for many due to my medical training in allopathic, naturopathic, and homeopathic methods. I was married to a narcissist at minimum, psychopath more likely, for 25 years, but now divorced for 3 years. Unfortunately, my current life does not allow me much time for vacations or retreats. I have not struggled with any of this until 3 weeks ago.

Thank you everyone for your care and advice. I truly appreciate it all.

Playing catch-up here. I am very sorry to hear of your predicament. I myself went through a difficult marital break-up 14 years ago. Like you, I had young children, five in my case. Unlike you though, my wife got custody so they all stayed with her. Hence, I didn't have the extra strain of being a single parent like you do. However, my issue was access to my children, which caused a real wrench for me. At the time my ex-wife started divorce proceedings I was in a very bad way. I had arteriosclerosis, which was far more serious than I realised at the time, plus ulcer issues. I had also suffered a nervous breakdown, which saw me put on Prozac briefly that only made me feel suicidal. Due to illness, I also lost my job. You know things are pretty serious when you get told by your family doctor that unless things change quickly you are heading for the exit door. At the time, all seemed extremely grim and hopeless.

It was my late father who saved me when he invited me to move back to the old family home. After 18 months, I got a new job and went back to my home town where I rented a property nearby to my children. They would come and spend weekends with me, which allowed me to get involved with their lives again. I still remained the family bread winner though and was paying both rent on the house I was renting and the mortgage on the family home. I was doing contract work on projects when I unexpectedly found myself in hospital having an angioplasty. It took me longer to recover than I expected and I eventually found myself unemployed again and having to give up my lease and move back in with my elderly parents again. I managed to get things back on track again, although this time I stayed put and would drive up to spend weekends with my children in the family home; my ex-wife was happy for me to do that since it gave her a break.

I was fortunate in that I had the support of my parents and my twin brother to help get me through the worst of it. Everyone's particular situation is different of course. At the moment I imagine you feel everything is against you and you probably have a sense of being trapped in a no win scenario. At one of the down points in my experience, I recall having a dream where I found myself running with my ex-wife in front of me. She was striding out ahead of me and I was struggling to keep up with here. However I gradually found myself catching up with her until finally I overtook her and raced ahead of her. I took it as a message to stay the course as things would eventually improve, as over time they did.

I don't envy the position you are in. Perhaps you could make small incremental changes say, for example, by getting your children (I don't know their ages) to help more with household chores and with the pets to take some of the strain off of you. Perhaps your sister can help more with your elderly parents or maybe you can get some local voluntary help to keep any eye on them. Are your parents up to baby sitting to allow you to take a break? You certainly sound as though you need one.

From my own perspective, I know its not easy reverting to the single life again when you have been used to being part of a couple. I have not remarried, nor do I go out on dates anymore (that said, I am no spring chicken these days ). It can take a long time to adjust, so give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself. Often we are our own worst enemies. No doubt the C's would say that we need to experience hard lessons to progress (look at the difficulties Laura experienced for example). Indeed, we are often at our best when facing adversity. Moreover, we live in extremely difficult and challenging times when things are perhaps more exacerbated than in times past. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger in the long run though.

Children are also a great blessing, although at times you may not think so. Mine are all grown up now but there were times when they caused immense strain through playing truant, learning difficulties, mixing with dubious friends, drug taking and getting drunk, getting into minor trouble with the law etc. You never stop being a parent though, since I still find myself having to help them out with advice or money at times. However, although things could be going better for some of them, I still feel immensely proud of them. They are all at a stage now when they have to paddle their own canoe and you can only watch and encourage them from the side lines. But then the same was true of our parents as we launched out into adult life. So, I hope one day you can look back and say it all worked out for the best in the end, even if things are very difficult for you at the moment.​

 

[dani]

Playing catch-up here. I am very sorry to hear of your predicament. I myself went through a difficult marital break-up 14 years ago. Like you, I had young children, five in my case. Unlike you though, my wife got custody so they all stayed with her. Hence, I didn't have the extra strain of being a single parent like you do. However, my issue was access to my children, which caused a real wrench for me. At the time my ex-wife started divorce proceedings I was in a very bad way. I had arteriosclerosis, which was far more serious than I realised at the time, plus ulcer issues. I had also suffered a nervous breakdown, which saw me put on Prozac briefly that only made me feel suicidal. Due to illness, I also lost my job. You know things are pretty serious when you get told by your family doctor that unless things change quickly you are heading for the exit door. At the time, all seemed extremely grim and hopeless.

It was my late father who saved me when he invited me to move back to the old family home. After 18 months, I got a new job and went back to my home town where I rented a property nearby to my children. They would come and spend weekends with me, which allowed me to get involved with their lives again. I still remained the family bread winner though and was paying both rent on the house I was renting and the mortgage on the family home. I was doing contract work on projects when I unexpectedly found myself in hospital having an angioplasty. It took me longer to recover than I expected and I eventually found myself unemployed again and having to give up my lease and move back in with my elderly parents again. I managed to get things back on track again, although this time I stayed put and would drive up to spend weekends with my children in the family home; my ex-wife was happy for me to do that since it gave her a break.

I was fortunate in that I had the support of my parents and my twin brother to help get me through the worst of it. Everyone's particular situation is different of course. At the moment I imagine you feel everything is against you and you probably have a sense of being trapped in a no win scenario. At one of the down points in my experience, I recall having a dream where I found myself running with my ex-wife in front of me. She was striding out ahead of me and I was struggling to keep up with here. However I gradually found myself catching up with her until finally I overtook her and raced ahead of her. I took it as a message to stay the course as things would eventually improve, as over time they did.

I don't envy the position you are in. Perhaps you could make small incremental changes say, for example, by getting your children (I don't know their ages) to help more with household chores and with the pets to take some of the strain off of you. Perhaps your sister can help more with your elderly parents or maybe you can get some local voluntary help to keep any eye on them. Are your parents up to baby sitting to allow you to take a break? You certainly sound as though you need one.

From my own perspective, I know its not easy reverting to the single life again when you have been used to being part of a couple. I have not remarried, nor do I go out on dates anymore (that said, I am no spring chicken these days ). It can take a long time to adjust, so give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself. Often we are our own worst enemies. No doubt the C's would say that we need to experience hard lessons to progress (look at the difficulties Laura experienced for example). Indeed, we are often at our best when facing adversity. Moreover, we live in extremely difficult and challenging times when things are perhaps more exacerbated than in times past. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger in the long run though.

Children are also a great blessing, although at times you may not think so. Mine are all grown up now but there were times when they caused immense strain through playing truant, learning difficulties, mixing with dubious friends, drug taking and getting drunk, getting into minor trouble with the law etc. You never stop being a parent though, since I still find myself having to help them out with advice or money at times. However, although things could be going better for some of them, I still feel immensely proud of them. They are all at a stage now when they have to paddle their own canoe and you can only watch and encourage them from the side lines. But then the same was true of our parents as we launched out into adult life. So, I hope one day you can look back and say it all worked out for the best in the end, even if things are very difficult for you at the moment.​

Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope.