Hi Cooroibah, I think that the guilt you are feeling is anything but useless if you take the opportunity to use it. It is leading you to share here, which I hope will help you learn to accept any mistakes you have made and how to address them in the present. You already said that you did your best, and your motivation was to protect him, and that's the main thing to focus on if you feel guilty. Perfection is impossible.
Hello Ben,
Thank you for sharing.
Yes, that is what happened indeed. For the 1st time in months being on the forum, and after having read a lot of your interactions, I finally stepped in after considering how it could help me understand what was going on and how I could go on. And hopefully would be of interest to others too.
I initially though the feeling of guilt was useless and hurtful but thanks to it I dared expose it, write about it and for that I had to accept to feel it totally to the point of wanting to get rid of it.
I accept I made mistakes and that I was not a perfect mom ( that is difficult)
One of the mistake I still make is feeling guilty for choices my son makes today bearing a responsibility that is his entirely. That is not helping him. It is even maybe preventing him to take actions and decisions.
It is hard to know without more details, but if you show your son how much you care about this it could help. Most children learn to have a healthier understanding of their parents as they grow into adulthood, face challenges themselves and generally develop the ability to put themselves in their parents' shoes. The only exceptions I can think of is where pathology and genuine abuse have been a feature, or when the child grows into an adult without the desire or capacity for this understanding.
I have shown him regularly how much I care about what he is going through, offering to talk about it, how to care about it (alcohol and substances abuse and depression) But his answers were dismissive. He did not want to talk about it until very lately when he said his crappy childhood was responsible for him feeling the way he does.
His childhood was not perfect but no pathology or genuine abuse as far as I am aware.
And actually now I think it was a good thing that he could throw this at me yelling and shouting and showing me how much he was disappointed in me and angry.
Because I could see how the guilt was festering inside me for a long time, how I was afraid to be rejected by my own child, the passive-aggressive games it entailed, and my true and real responsibility in all of this.
Generally it should be expected for children to grow into somebody who is capable of accepting their own responsibility for their life circumstances. You can never be held responsible for another's addictions or violent behaviour. That is their responsibility, and if they want to change that behaviour then part of the process will be exploring any role their childhood might have played. That's another way you can help the situation, if the relationship allows conversations like that to happen. It's not about assigning blame, but understanding each other now as adults, accepting what cannot be changed and working on what can.
Unfortunately the relationship does not allow conversations about that particular matter so far. And yes I was expecting my child to accept his responsibility for his life circumstances and to see how his addictions are in the way of his wellbeing and sense of self-confidence and self-worth.
I really wished I could have helped him , I could have done something , I could have protected him, I....I....I
always I , like the all powerfull mother protector, see the image.
So there again, I am also responsible for this mother-power program in me. I cannot fix this, and it maybe does need fixing. It is not because I am his mother that I know what his best for him now.
It is not because I am his mother that he has to like me, that he has to trust me or even talk to me.
I wished I could have been a source of warmth, love, care, peace for him, but it seems I am not ( either ever or for the moment).
But nonetheless I am here for him, if he wants, or needs.
That is a difficult lesson ( coupled to guilt program) and it needs a good deal of thinking , self observation to detangle the all mess of it for me.
Yes, it is about his and your lessons and free will, too. So you have to respect what he wants, but you don't have to accept being held responsible for the life of an adult
Yes.
And to be clear and real about what are my lessons and my responsibilities.
Again thank you.
Having to write and explain makes my mind work and helps with the clearing.
It also helps with taking distance with the emotions.
