Karmic and Simple Understandings.

[SlipNet]

Although I see video games as a tremendously interesting vehicle for art, I heartily agree on their shallowness in the long run. Same can be said of many (if not all nowadays) artistic fields. I remarked that I still carry stigmas of this obsessive period. Fantasies, planning or remembering often takes a life of its own and swallow me whole if I'm not careful. Taming the mind through meditation (e.g. EE) really helps on that matter.
Did you manage to overcome it completely ?

One of the big bonuses of getting older is realising just how ludicrous my younger self could be at times. I would say that I've managed to overcome my tendency to fantasise and obsess over pointless things. It has many components; emotional, sexual and intellectual. I had a tendency to over-value my thought patterns when I was younger, particularly as an undergraduate. Well, two decades on, I think I have fresh eyes to see myself as I am, and not as I wish myself to be. Whether this process is "complete" remains to be seen. I remain hopeful that my efforts have been heeded deep within the soul and mind. The ego is a tricky thing to completely overcome.

I must say that I disagree regarding the never ending experiences and lessons. All good things must come to an end and, at some point, the universe's self-actualization will reach completion in 7D (crossing my fingers here ). But since our perception/understanding of time is an illusion, discussing all of this is really nitpicking on my part In any case, what an adventure !

I see where you're coming from, but my perspective is this; a never ending continuum of incarnations doesn't mean you're always the "same person". That's where the veil of forgetting is so sublime. If you were always the same in your experiences you'd probably go insane. So I see it as a series of small endings within a broader experiential cycle. What an adventure, indeed!

 

[Recto]

One of the big bonuses of getting older is realising just how ludicrous my younger self could be at times. I would say that I've managed to overcome my tendency to fantasise and obsess over pointless things. It has many components; emotional, sexual and intellectual. I had a tendency to over-value my thought patterns when I was younger, particularly as an undergraduate. Well, two decades on, I think I have fresh eyes to see myself as I am, and not as I wish myself to be. Whether this process is "complete" remains to be seen. I remain hopeful that my efforts have been heeded deep within the soul and mind. The ego is a tricky thing to completely overcome.

It seems that getting older does have some advantages after all ! By repeatedly hearing older people throughout my life that only bitterness, regrets and impotence awaits those that grow old, I started to really wonder whether that was the case or not Glad to hear that wisdom (learned through karmic and simple understandings) still gets a place of honour in the old age.

I see where you're coming from, but my perspective is this; a never ending continuum of incarnations doesn't mean you're always the "same person". That's where the veil of forgetting is so sublime. If you were always the same in your experiences you'd probably go insane. So I see it as a series of small endings within a broader experiential cycle. What an adventure, indeed!

It makes perfect sense ! "Forgetting" or more appropriately awareness restriction, is the only way the soul can prove to itself that it has learned its lessons. By approaching each moment as a completely new one, without preconceived notion nor foreknowledge, we can truly use our discernment (based on our knowledge) to take appropriate actions (and Be). Much like as a student, one must go past rote memorization of the concepts and apply them to an entirely new problem in order to truly understand them. The next step towards mastery of a lesson/topic would be then teaching to others what we understood.

Making a parallel with computer science, each incarnation is a loop of a program (the soul's) and each loop converges incrementally towards the solution (essentially the Truth), which is the validation of our lessons in each density. This process of self-actualization is in itself self-evident since Truth is what "is", invariably. So we should all reach the same conclusions at the end of our experiential journey, only through unique paths. And those paths then represent 7D; all that "was", "is" and "will be"; every state possible derived from Truth; every point of view at every moment.

Even a glimpse of this infinity (by retaining all of our memories from one life to the next) would definitely drive "you" insane indeed However, the "you" here can be seen as only a truncated representation of our soul (through our limited awareness once incarnated) blended with our Ego (coming from the body/matter). Perhaps by working on ourselves and getting rid of the Ego part, we may approach infinity without getting consumed by its Light. Thinking about it, the journey from 1D to 7D towards infinity is exactly the same as the frog not realizing that its being boiled when the temperature is increased bit by bit

 

[SlipNet]

Man I forgot all about this thread, caught up with reading it through again today. Really pleased with the insights being offered on here. I don't feel so daunted these days about the nitty gritty of doing the work.

Much like as a student, one must go past rote memorization of the concepts and apply them to an entirely new problem in order to truly understand them.

That makes sense. I'm in the process of absorbing adult emotions which have been repressed, changing my behaviour sometimes also. How I master the emotions is through owning up to them, which is easier said than done, because the ego can be a sly fella. I find I need to let my defences down and open myself up to my whole inner mosaic, just relaxing and going with the flow. Then I both recognise and understand myself better. Oddly enough it's taken me 40-odd years to finally achieve this state. Better late than never...

The next step towards mastery of a lesson/topic would be then teaching to others what we understood.

Yeah, agreed too. I'm currently writing understandings down in a style of writing my inner child will understand, so no part of me has blind spots. It's a handy exercise actually. I've written 80,000 words and I've only drawn out a synopsis. Simplifying language is only part of the task, also condensing complex ideas can be a test of what I truly understand as an adult.

Perhaps by working on ourselves and getting rid of the Ego part, we may approach infinity without getting consumed by its Light. Thinking about it, the journey from 1D to 7D towards infinity is exactly the same as the frog not realizing that its being boiled when the temperature is increased bit by bit

I suspect the ego is "our friend for life", as I have never heard of anyone who has managed to rid themselves of it. I think pragmatism will turn out to be the way, where we refine and reconfigure the reading instrument, and cleaning attitudes as much as behaviour would be the key here I think. I think always bearing in mind just how much you don't know or understand is a fine way to retain a healthy attitude and perspective here. Well, that and reading Laura's new book when it comes out..

 

[SlipNet]

While I started this thread about a fairly general concept, I think in my recent months I've been honing down the details about just what I actually understand in this crazy, bewildering world. It's a question which I find very good for grinding the old mental gears, and a fine way of consolidating hard-earned lessons and the spoils of battle. I came here seeking answers, truth even. I've learned way more than I could ever have imagined, the last 20 years of my life have been time well spent in that regard. But life has given me a jolt in the last few weeks, making me re-appraise my goals in the time I have left on the 3d STS plane.

In the last month one of my Aunts died unexpectedly, she had no underlying conditions whatsoever. She was my Dad's little sister. She was just 72, and fit as a fiddle, always out and about. We had the funeral last Friday, and it was a very emotional time. I didn't know her really well, but I always liked and respected her, she was a very capable woman with a big heart. She was a devout catholic, and by all accounts a good rotarian in how she lived her life. She put others ahead of herself, along with bringing up two fine kids who I can happily say I like very much. They are bringing up families now, keeping the lines going with good people. And this is what hit me at the funeral, just while I was chatting and socialising. No family line will come down through me. This saddens me on a very deep level as it turns out. I understand that these emotions could well be very negative and STS-oriented, but they persist nevertheless. And while I was dealing with this little episode about my life, I was then inundated with a slew of accompanying emotions and worries. I'll talk about these below.

I dread the day when I lose my parents. That was the big one. I cannot imagine anything that has more potential to derail my soul, and yet I know that this is inevitable in the future. Hopefully at least another decade away. Thankfully I have a good extended family, along with a very sound younger brother. My parents were the sole reason why I got the AZ jab, because I really didn't want to. But I share a home with them, and I couldn't risk passing onto them "the coof"; even if it didn't harm me, it could have grave repercussions for them. So I grudgingly took my medicine, knowing that it was doing me no good.

I realised at that moment that I am a strange mosaic of STS and STO impulses. And I also then had to face that I am very concerned about where things stand say about 10 years from now. The future could become a very lonely place if I don't make efforts now to prepare for the sad inevitabilities of life. I've got to make greater efforts in terms of networking, not just on here, but also in my local community. No man is an island, and I don't want to be one in any case. In the last 6 years or so my social network has shrunk considerably, mainly through bereavement. All my elders in my circle seem to be departing. I guess it was just "their time to go", and all I can do is honour their lives while being there for their loved ones if I know them. These things are on my mind every single night when I go to bed, without fail. I also think I need to pray more, I tend to pray maybe once a fortnight, no more than that. I question whether I have a good connection with the DCM, although this is a concept I'm working on understanding in my own way.

So my Karmic self is in a bit of a state these days. My coping methods are lamentable at best. Today I was very vexed by circumstances so I chose to get a 4-pack of beer to deal with things. Beer! What a douche I can be at times. I've had 2 beers today. Even though I keep my diet fairly stable, I have a real weakness for beer. It just relieves stress in an instant. By comparison tea or coffee are just a bit......tame. And less effective. But I understand that beer is ultimately a crutch that I have to learn to be without. But it's really hard to say no to it when I know full well that it has a positive short-term effect, and I never get drunk per se, 4 beers then I stop. It has become a regular pattern in recent months, definitely since the first lockdown. I know things have to change. In my plans for this year I decided to rejoin the FOTCM, after stupidly quitting many years back when I was going through a severe psychosis. Never make life choices when going through a trauma, it was a big mistake by me. This was about 7 or 8 years back I think; much has changed since then, and my life is in a much better place generally since then. Mentally I'm way stronger. I've put the effort in and made great strides in my learning on a variety of subjects. Still a long way to go however.

Anyway, that's where I'm at at the moment. If any of this resonates with any of you I'd welcome any constructive feedback. I'm not on the rocks at this point but I understand that the time is now to make necessary changes and preparations for our at this point nebulous future. Thank you for reading.

 

[kinyash]

I’m just catching up on this thread and also quite bewildered about the world around me. I’m 61 years old and this year good friends, close relatives and people I know well have been busy “checking out” of the planet! In retrospect, when you get to a certain age it’s to be expected, but the plandemic has certainly accelerated things.

I dread the day when I lose my parents. That was the big one. I cannot imagine anything that has more potential to derail my soul, and yet I know that this is inevitable in the future. Hopefully at least another decade away. Thankfully I have a good extended family, along with a very sound younger brother. My parents were the sole reason why I got the AZ jab, because I really didn't want to. But I share a home with them, and I couldn't risk passing onto them "the coof"; even if it didn't harm me, it could have grave repercussions for them. So I grudgingly took my medicine, knowing that it was doing me no good.

The whole vax scenario and the speed at which it has descended upon us is just incredible. My 29 year old son passed by last weekend and we were chatting generally when he mentioned that he had just had his second vaccination. My wife and three children have all been vaccinated, and furthermore my wife suffers from Lupus and therefore at relatively high risk if she were to get Covid. I haven’t got vaxxed myself, and I have no intention whatsoever of doing so. I already caught Covid and was admitted for 4 days, and right now I’m still on blood thinners as during my admission they detected small clots in my lungs. My admission was the first In my short life!! Anyways I told my son that I had let him and the rest of the family down. He asked me how so, and I said it was because I had not managed to convince them not to take the vaccine, and now my family had become a Govt experiment with me as the unwilling observer . We had a good laugh and then continued with our never ending discussion on the plandemic, vaccine and other conspiracies. In my mind what I told him was true, I had failed them in the sense that I could not overcome the huge gradual and persistent subliminal programming that has now brought about the current situation. At a certain level people obey without questioning especially when the fear factor has been greatly enhanced by death. I appear to have indeed become an observer in my own home.

I realised at that moment that I am a strange mosaic of STS and STO impulses. And I also then had to face that I am very concerned about where things stand say about 10 years from now. The future could become a very lonely place if I don't make efforts now to prepare for the sad inevitabilities of life. I've got to make greater efforts in terms of networking, not just on here, but also in my local community. No man is an island, and I don't want to be one in any case.

I totally resonate with you here. The ship is sinking, and as we man the lifeboats, there is a light that beckons from afar....

 

[SlipNet]

The whole vax scenario and the speed at which it has descended upon us is just incredible. My 29 year old son passed by last weekend and we were chatting generally when he mentioned that he had just had his second vaccination. My wife and three children have all been vaccinated, and furthermore my wife suffers from Lupus and therefore at relatively high risk if she were to get Covid. I haven’t got vaxxed myself, and I have no intention whatsoever of doing so. I already caught Covid and was admitted for 4 days, and right now I’m still on blood thinners as during my admission they detected small clots in my lungs. My admission was the first In my short life!! Anyways I told my son that I had let him and the rest of the family down. He asked me how so, and I said it was because I had not managed to convince them not to take the vaccine, and now my family had become a Govt experiment with me as the unwilling observer . We had a good laugh and then continued with our never ending discussion on the plandemic, vaccine and other conspiracies. In my mind what I told him was true, I had failed them in the sense that I could not overcome the huge gradual and persistent subliminal programming that has now brought about the current situation. At a certain level people obey without questioning especially when the fear factor has been greatly enhanced by death. I appear to have indeed become an observer in my own home.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself on this point kinyash. People, despite appearances to the contrary, still have their free will and must make their own informed decisions. For example my heart sank in the funeral last week that so many of my loved ones in my extended circle had drunk the covid kool aid. I was completely alone in my family in having a contrary perspective. But we are all sovereign beings with total control over our souls, if we become sufficiently aware and knowledgeable. The programming is so insidious, that's why we stand alone in our circles. It's a bitter feeling, but what more can we do? Keep a good strategic enclosure whilst remaining externally considerate is surely the main priorities for us I think. That and retaining a good sense of humour! We can still laugh and share, and humour is also a very innovative way to sneak in a bit of truth too!

I wish you well as an observer. It may not feel like it, but you stand alone as the beacon for truth and knowledge in your family. It's down to all of us here to maintain the lifeboats for our immediate circles. It's a reality and a responsibility which I've been awakening to in recent years. We don't want to become the dreams of the past, we need to cultivate those understandings that can aid in ushering the reality of the future. Good luck on your journey kinyash, and thanks for a thought provoking post.

 

[SlipNet]

I think my recent posting on here was more than likely swamp material, I made a mistake there, sorry for derailing the main subject of the thread. Yes, it does concern what is karmic and simple, and is thus universal in its value, so maybe it's fine not to stress over it. I just wanted to use this time to mull over what we as advanced human beings are going through on earth at this time. It's a curious thing; we on here are often wracked by worries and self-doubt but we truly live on the vanguard of the human experience on this forum, and that is an understanding that is awesome for me to comprehend. So many people on here have offered absolute diamonds of insight, and I've made the effort to listen and understand what was offered. Too many examples to mention, but I thought I'd compile a little list of what I've learned from you all on here.

1 We are products of our programming. Behavioural traits are partially responses to early imprints and experiences. We can learn from past experiences, and in sharing we can discover patterns of behaviour that can be fine-tuned.

2 The need to read and listen is of invaluable importance. I don't read enough, but I'm always busy. I've also learned that in speaking and writing I learn how to think more clearly, and this is directly related to my listening/reading efforts.

3 Speak responsibly. Always bear in mind that what you say flippantly may be mulled over to an unexpected degree by others. Choose your words carefully and always practice external consideration in your discourse. I was a real loose cannon verbally in the years aged 29-39, it took me a really long time to realise I was making a real mess of my networking efforts.

4 Make this the first incarnation when you say "No! Enough! This time I decide how things develop, I am a soul, a sovereign being with values I alone can nurture and develop." There's so much to discover it genuinely energises me to proceed with an increased intent.

5 Suffering is often pointless. This is related to wallowing, and this is a trait I've often fallen into experiencing. This is not to diminish serious suffering, which is also ubiquitous, but just to make sure we don't fall into mechanical patterns of response. Rise above it, smoke a cig, breathe and take stock of things. Then respond.

6 Cultivating understanding is a long and patient method towards self growth. This is where I'm at right now. I know we are in a dystopian hellhole in our beast system society at the moment, and the propaganda is insidious, but we are here for the long game. I'm 46, and I am now planning on what kind of life I'll be living as a 50 year old. It's a landmark number for me. I'm not happy as a person at the moment with my life condition. Yes I'm a schizophrenic, so certain possibilities re:- employment are beyond me now, despite being a university graduate. I'm still working on my non-fiction book, exploring my nervous breakdown in 2004, and charting how I worked to recover my sanity and objective balance. On that point, things have developed well. Compared to when I was 36 things are considerably better, but this is a journey that will literally never end. Amen DCM to that!

7 Make more effort to understand others. I do consider us on here as a rare breed, but we still have to navigate the external world society, and this is a challenging aspect of life I must say. My sense of humour has been crucially important in this. Early in life I learned how to take the p~ss out of myself, and it does open doors socially if done sparingly and subtly. To do so, I look back on previous epochs in my life, 20, 30, 40; compare and contrast. Truly, mirth is good, and it's beneficial to not be too precious about one's past! It's good to forget yourself for a while and make another person your main interest. I truly believe that we can learn so much from seemingly inconsequential moments.

8 If there's something bugging you, for god's sake open up and network about it. I know I've been slow on the uptake on this one. I was coy, fearful of being judged. I'm not the cleverest of guys but I now belatedly realise that we all have something to offer, and what I say now may be of value to others many years down the line, and that realisation gratifies me, and makes me understand that I ought to choose my words and ideas carefully.

I needed to get all that off my chest, I've been pregnant with thoughts for about a week or so. If any of what I write resonates or provokes a response, please feel free to respond. Ah, I've had a long day, been awake since 6am thinking about things, so I'll close things here. Thank you for reading.

 

[SlipNet]

I've been thinking today about something that has interested me for a long time, the question of the objective existence of the soul. When it comes to thinking, I'm slower than the Ents in LOTR, lol. If something gets me wondering, I'll mull over it for days before writing or saying something. Anyway, enough preamble, my quandry relates to the contrast between ego driven thoughts and desires vis a vis the thoughts and feelings of the soul. Following a series of life experiences I think it's possible to begin categorising my thoughts and impulses in a fairly objective way.

It's been interesting reading the recent thread on Women's experiences, in that it created the impetus to explore my own condition of learning and seeking. I really look forward reading people's experiences on that thread. This will not be a contesting or contrasting post, but something that I think is complementary in essence.

The C's have stated that "we are not bodies, we are souls" and that has been grinding my gears for a fair while. I'm beginning to realise what that means, and this has helped me to overcome some habitual moodiness in my general condition. I've worked hard over the years to learn as much as I can about the world and our place in it, which brings forth some empathy and understanding. I won't mince my words, life is really frickin' challenging, always has been, and the last 18 months of covid controls has brought the existence of the consortium's Beast System into full view in my eyes. What was once an intellectual belief has been consolidated into actual reality. I don't follow much aside from Sott and on here, don't really need to. But as a man with a pathological condition (schizophrenia), I have had to work hard in other areas too, in terms of psychological division.

Now I know and understand that the basic human condition is predicated upon divisions between clusters of little "i's" in our soul/mind/body complex, whereas before I kind of played with it as an idea. It's true though, and it scared me at first once I actually realised it. I think I got a bit of good luck here, because I had a massive contrast between two clusters, mainly due to my habits from 1998-2004. These clusters were really different in their presentation and beliefs, one far more egotistical and sexual than the other. For a period of time I identified cluster 2 as being of the Predator's Mind, and saw cluster 1 as being closer to my real self. I saw it as Soul/Ego in a clear division. But following many years of reading, listening, writing, thinking, talking, well I'm not so sure. What was once a clear divide has kind of smudged, and I'm back perceiving the ever-moving mosaic of consciousness that I saw in me before that time. Mainly because cluster 2 had an absolutely driven work ethic, whereas cluster 1 was more artsy and a bit of a dreamer. I'm telling you now as my own God's honest truth, for about 17 years I've been living with this situation, with basically two warring selves within me. Things are getting better though. I actually had to step into my own mind recently and calm down a psychotic meltdown. And it was all about who runs things in my life, who is ultimately in charge. It was astoundingly bizarre, I literally felt like two people in the same mind. This has been a feature of my life since 2004, but in those years I never actually felt it so viscerally. Before I had buffers which smoothed the ride considerably. For some reason that didn't happen in this incident, and I'm now working on understanding what happened exactly. It feels like something important for my attention has happened, but I'm struggling to figure out what exactly.

What was once a clear ego vs soul contrast has become something far more subtle and insidious. I've decided to focus mainly on emotional work for a while, because things came close to becoming unstable recently, and I don't want to go back there. In 2004-06 I was completely crazy, and I never want to revisit those times. But where I am at now I'm trying to deal with the differences between my soul and my everyday self, and this is because I had a direct experience recently, which made me understand that the body, while important, is only a vessel. It's so hard to explain and I only experienced this just the other evening, perhaps I need to go away and contemplate a little. But it felt incredible, and important. It showed me the difference between my moody ego and my real self. Reconciling differences about life goals is what I suspect is at the root of this division, I've done a fair bit of wondering on this point. I'm a 46 year old who's out of work, so it was bound to come up as a pressing issue. So difficult to smooth things out so I can find the correct way forward. As things stand, as a schizophrenic I'd have to lie about my condition to secure work, I've done so about a half dozen times before.

But what I want to consolidate from all this is that I got a tangible glimpse of the difference between my real self and my false personality, then it all blended back into one again, with the usual divisions under the surface. I can't help but think that I can learn something significant from this. Truly, I now believe that the soul is real. I hpe this post isn't too weird, thought I'd log it down as an understanding of note.

 

[SlipNet]

One other thing springs to mind when reflecting on the existence of a nascent soul. Out of body experiences, they amaze me, and recently I remembered my own Oobe experience from way back in childhood. I was asleep in bed, it would have been the early 1980's, so I would have been about 8 years old, more or less. And I awoke and found myself to be speaking to a voice in my ceiling! Sorry but I cannot recall what I was talking to, but I was looking down in amazement to see my body below me in bed, sound asleep. I really wish I knew what I was conversing about, and what kind of entity I was talking to, but the old memory is sadly not that precise, a bit fuzzy. It was truly an amazing experience, and from that point on I began to see strange things too. I've seen ghosts, a UFO, little white critters floating in the air, loads of weirdlings. But nothing before that Oobe moment. How the hell did I manage to leave my body and float up to the ceiling to chat with some (I suspect) dodgy critter? Boggles my mind that one.

It's the kind of thing I think I needed to remember, and it provides enough proof for me that we survive the deaths of our bodies. A happy realisation. I needed a period of reassurance I think, and these moments are good soul food, where I can kind of augment myself by recalling more and more of life experiences and actions.

 

[SlipNet]

It's been a while since I've posted on this thread, which is one which I can see still providing me with food for thought. The subject matter will always be relevant to me and I try to take on board you folk's ideas and opinions here. Over the Christmas period I also celebrated my 47th Birthday, and I just got thinking about how getting older has contributed to my ongoing intellectual growth. I hesitate to incorporate spiritual things into that, because although part of the inner mosaic, it is sufficiently different to be considered on its own. Maybe I'm wrong on that, this has given me more to think about. At the moment I have a specific equation in my mind; Intellectual + Emotional = Spiritual. A kind of aggregate. Seeing the self as a whole.

I had a recent experience where I "saw" 2 entities in my study room as I was watching a podcast. One was golden in colour, the other white. Both were semi-transparent with no visible hair. They were humanoid in shape and dimensions. What I was thinking about at the time was a bit of a quandry. I was grinding my gears on the subject of finding a well-paying job. I've been out of work for 6 years due to my schizophrenia. I feel like I'm ready to move on and get back into the work place. These entities I saw emerged as I was thinking about what I should do next. They were monitoring me I think. Wanting to push me in a certain direction in my thoughts on what to do. Neither entities did anything but hover around me, I could see them in my peripheral vision. Such things don't unsettle me now. Before, I'd be afraid. Now, I know that they need to be held at arm's length, don't let them into your mind. What I think is that, similar to the entities in the book "Operators and Things", they were attempting to control what I was planning to do next, just planting influential tendencies in me. Ultimately I decided in the moment to not make a snap decision, suspecting that I may be prone to influence from these external beings. I've seen these entities on a semi-regular basis since 2004. It amazes me how I can normalise something so bizarre.

So I'm weighing things up at the moment, taking stock of what I know and what I have going for me. I'm on the way back from serious mental illness, so I need to be very careful in how I move on from here. I've lost over half a decade in working and earning money, but I've worked hard in building myself up from a terrible collapse. Programming is what's bugging me. I've worked on and dealt with old sexual/emotional programs, and I keep a written file, a journal, to log my thoughts and feelings as a maturing male. I have long had an ambition to write a book about schizophrenia and the experiences as a whole, but I feel conflicted on this. As a University graduate, I'm not afraid of putting in the work, but I wonder if today is a time to keep my head down rather than putting myself into the public space. I think I will write my book, it's playing on my mind a lot, but I won't be particularly fixated on it getting published or not. Anyway, this is where I am at now as a soul. Emotionally I'm getting better, intellectually I'm always engaged, now I just need to do more, rather than soaking things up like a sponge. I need to break old habits and energise myself a little. The next 3 months are clear ahead; keep writing, pay strict attention, and go easy on yourself if you struggle.

It's a very strange world we're living in at the moment, the coming years will test us like nothing before I suspect.

 

[Oxajil]

It's been a while since I've posted on this thread, which is one which I can see still providing me with food for thought. The subject matter will always be relevant to me and I try to take on board you folk's ideas and opinions here. Over the Christmas period I also celebrated my 47th Birthday,

Happy belated birthday!

and I just got thinking about how getting older has contributed to my ongoing intellectual growth. I hesitate to incorporate spiritual things into that, because although part of the inner mosaic, it is sufficiently different to be considered on its own. Maybe I'm wrong on that, this has given me more to think about. At the moment I have a specific equation in my mind; Intellectual + Emotional = Spiritual. A kind of aggregate. Seeing the self as a whole.

I think that makes sense. Also, some people get older, but not necessarily wiser! I'm reminded of the famous quote: “The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.” I guess it's about how we use the 'time' we have (and how we process/learn from our experiences) that determines intellectual, emotional and spiritual growth during this lifetime.

I had a recent experience where I "saw" 2 entities in my study room as I was watching a podcast. One was golden in colour, the other white. Both were semi-transparent with no visible hair. They were humanoid in shape and dimensions. What I was thinking about at the time was a bit of a quandry. I was grinding my gears on the subject of finding a well-paying job. I've been out of work for 6 years due to my schizophrenia. I feel like I'm ready to move on and get back into the work place. These entities I saw emerged as I was thinking about what I should do next. They were monitoring me I think. Wanting to push me in a certain direction in my thoughts on what to do. Neither entities did anything but hover around me, I could see them in my peripheral vision. Such things don't unsettle me now. Before, I'd be afraid. Now, I know that they need to be held at arm's length, don't let them into your mind. What I think is that, similar to the entities in the book "Operators and Things", they were attempting to control what I was planning to do next, just planting influential tendencies in me. Ultimately I decided in the moment to not make a snap decision, suspecting that I may be prone to influence from these external beings. I've seen these entities on a semi-regular basis since 2004. It amazes me how I can normalise something so bizarre.

Shoo, shoo entities, mind your own business! Did they 'go away' at some point? It's good you're not afraid, and that you were aware, and became extra vigilant of your thoughts and possible influences.

Re work: Have you discussed going back to work with your therapist? Or don't you have one? Apologies if I missed that. It's a big step, and I think it would be helpful to have someone who's got your back and can monitor how things are going together with you as you start working again. Preferably someone who already knows your history and your progress. What kind of job are you thinking of? Have you already thought of the pros and cons of working again?

So I'm weighing things up at the moment, taking stock of what I know and what I have going for me. I'm on the way back from serious mental illness, so I need to be very careful in how I move on from here. I've lost over half a decade in working and earning money, but I've worked hard in building myself up from a terrible collapse. Programming is what's bugging me. I've worked on and dealt with old sexual/emotional programs, and I keep a written file, a journal, to log my thoughts and feelings as a maturing male. I have long had an ambition to write a book about schizophrenia and the experiences as a whole, but I feel conflicted on this. As a University graduate, I'm not afraid of putting in the work, but I wonder if today is a time to keep my head down rather than putting myself into the public space. I think I will write my book, it's playing on my mind a lot, but I won't be particularly fixated on it getting published or not. Anyway, this is where I am at now as a soul. Emotionally I'm getting better, intellectually I'm always engaged, now I just need to do more, rather than soaking things up like a sponge. I need to break old habits and energise myself a little. The next 3 months are clear ahead; keep writing, pay strict attention, and go easy on yourself if you struggle.

It's a very strange world we're living in at the moment, the coming years will test us like nothing before I suspect.

Sometimes I have an idea, such as writing a screenplay, and then I'd think 'Nah, that'd be silly'... But I'm still going to do it, just to get it out of my mind and on paper. So, if writing about the topic and your experiences is playing on your mind, yeah, I'd just do it. It may also be therapeutic. You could work on the manuscript, and when it's finished, you can leave it (and have a back up!) and then you can publish it when you feel you're ready. Once it's out, I'd read it for sure, and who knows it may help people who are struggling with the same problems you're addressing. Thanks for sharing, SlipNet.

 

[SlipNet]

Shoo, shoo entities, mind your own business! Did they 'go away' at some point? It's good you're not afraid, and that you were aware, and became extra vigilant of your thoughts and possible influences.

Thanks for this, made me chuckle in enjoyment! They hover for ages, but after a while I stop worrying about them, and then they're gone. It's interesting, it's almost like they need attention sometimes. I wouldn't want to make people think I'm besieged by them, it's an odd kind of thing, but common across years. Since 2004, definitely. But I never think I've ever got rid of them for good, and they often re-appear.

Re work: Have you discussed going back to work with your therapist? Or don't you have one? Apologies if I missed that. It's a big step, and I think it would be helpful to have someone who's got your back and can monitor how things are going together with you as you start working again

I lost contact with the NHS service/therapist, about 2016. Since then, it's been me, my books, my journal, and the odd beer to carry the load. I also smoke a lot, about 20-25 cigs a day. My dentist has lectured me countless times on this, and I know I've gotta cut down. On the work subject, I test myself by going out into town once a week, busy times, 12pm-2pm. Just to guage myself a bit. At the moment I'm pretty comfortable in busy social environs.

So, if writing about the topic and your experiences is playing on your mind, yeah, I'd just do it. It may also be therapeutic. You could work on the manuscript, and when it's finished, you can leave it (and have a back up!) and then you can publish it when you feel you're ready. Once it's out, I'd read it for sure, and who knows it may help people who are struggling with the same problems you're addressing.

Yeah, I feel I need to write "A Hobbit's Tale", just a personal testimony. Just paying my respects to the weirder elements of our reality, the stuff most people don't get to see. I'm lucky because I have the knowledge of C's 4th D type stuff, gives me a greater appreciation for my soul, my core being. Also helps to keep me tough, defensive, and defiant. At this point, I don't think a therapist would offer much that I need, to be honest.

Thanks for sharing, SlipNet.

You're welcome, Oxajil! Thanks for reading, and I do hope that fellow sufferers can glean some pearls of wisdom from what has been written on this thread.

 

[Olivierlejardinier]

Hi, first cheers from a fellow ex-sufferer here! As written in my newbie post, I' m an aspie, so quite the opposite of your situation SlipNet, but sharing our thoughts/views can only increase our knowledge so, here we go

Programming is what's bugging me.

On that subject of programming, have you read/listened to the Greenbaum Speech in a while...? Just a thought.

I need to break old habits and energise myself a little.

We all have remains and odd bits somewhere in us, memories are very strong deep inside. An example of my path, what worked the best to overcome my inner pressure was the simpliest thing one can imagine : start to walk barefoot regularly in my garden...!

Since then, it's been me, my books, my journal, and the odd beer to carry the load.

From an autodiagnosed and thus self healed case, seems your choices aren't so bad

I'm lucky because I have the knowledge of C's 4th D type stuff,

Same here, I found in the forum's exchanges/session's transcripts the most usefull informations to fullfill my thirsty brain!!

At this point, I don't think a therapist would offer much that I need, to be honest.

We are the therapists via the collective mind, it's now more than an intuition for me.


Thanks for sharing SlipNet!

 

[SlipNet]

On that subject of programming, have you read/listened to the Greenbaum Speech in a while...? Just a thought.

I haven't, thanks for reminding me. I think there's a good article on the subject over on Cassiopaea.org, think I'll have a look over there later, I read it years ago and found it fascinating. I also think about social and familial forms of cultural programming here too. These can be the most insidious form in fact, and thus tricky to overcome. As a teenager I felt the unspoken pressure to conform in order to gain approval and acceptance from my peers, for example. By my mid 20's these habits and traits were transforming to a considerable degree. I burned for my secret intellectual pursuits, I think it was reading about JFK that got me started.

From an autodiagnosed and thus self healed case, seems your choices aren't so bad

Yeah, the last 8 years or so have been a period of intensified learning for me. At the moment for example, I have Laura's From Paul to Mark, George Carlin's memoirs, and From Yahweh to Zion by Laurent Guyenot on my reading pile. Life can't be bad with a selection like that. Perhaps I should not bother with the beer though.

Thanks for your well-considered reply. I agree, we learn in time I think to become our own healers. It's encouraging to hear of another person on the path to recovery from these kinds of pathology (and I don't mean that in a pejorative sense). Now to get back to work, always learning.

 

[SlipNet]

Re work: Have you discussed going back to work with your therapist? Or don't you have one? Apologies if I missed that. It's a big step, and I think it would be helpful to have someone who's got your back and can monitor how things are going together with you as you start working again. Preferably someone who already knows your history and your progress. What kind of job are you thinking of? Have you already thought of the pros and cons of working again?

I have talked with my brother and mother on the subject, and their replies were lukewarm to be honest. They know I can struggle in high-stress situations, and my last job was a disaster for me. I only lasted 6 weeks and I couldn't take it any more. Plus I had to conceal the truth about my schizophrenia from my employers in order to get the job in the first place. In total I've lied by omission to employers 5 or 6 times since 2004. I'm deciding at the moment what I'm gonna do this year. Life is okay at the moment, but I'd like to have a bit more money, it's the financial situation that's driving me. Also I want to try something new in terms of work. In my past I've done bar/catering, retail, and a small bit of admin. To be honest I found them all a bit boring, apart from one 8 year spell when I worked in a camping/outdoors shop. I loved that job, and was lucky to be working with a very good small team, about 6 people and we all got on well. I opened up to management about my condition and they were supportive. Unfortunately the store was closed down by head office, otherwise I think I'd still be working there. Unfortunately my CV doesn't really look good, what with me being out of work for 6 years or so. I'm gonna give it more thought before I make any big commitment,