Occupy Wall Street Video Project

[Renaissance]

I'm embarrassed to say that I had pledged a significant amount. Thank you Guardian for bringing this up!! I got exited about the project, and even pledged before watching the trailer. At first I did think the project was backed by the chateau, but then I started wondering about it because it was not being mentioned on SOTT, and there were no comments from anyone at the Chateau on this thread saying anything about it.

This statement by FifthWay was a hook, imo:

Some on this forum know that I am working on this since quite a while and other members where involved back then, which is when we shot the interviews that you see in the trailer. The focus at "headquarters" shifted as EE was rolled out and my own life became increasingly complicated with my unfolding divorce struggle that fortunately has now been conclude. This is what I wanted to do for a long time and the general law did its best to keep me from it. But this is my focus now and I sure hope I can get the budget together. The idea is a bit frightening to say the least but so far we had a good start. Lets hope we can keep it up and make the Kickstarter campaign a successes.

Imo, saying that "other members where involved back then" and "The focus at "headquarters" shifted as EE was rolled out" implied to me that it was a backed project put on hold, but now the project is a go. I do however recall thinking it odd that Fifthway put headquarters in quotation marks and wondered if there was some type of resentment there. I think my excitement about the project swept it under the rug. Thinking about how headquarters was phrased now makes me wonder how FifthWay actually regards the Chateau.

After I pledged, FifthWay emailed me saying how much he appreciated that I trusted him to make a good film and how these donations were fueling him with energy to put his all into this project. I thought it was a little off since I made the pledge for a group project and because I thought it is a needed project... it wasn't particularly about faith in his abilities. I now realize how incredibly sloppy it was of me to go into this blindly, and with reservations. I'm another who is well reminded that I cannot trust myself. I've canceled my pledge.

When I finally did get around to watching the video, I thought the technique for the interviews was decent, I liked the variety of people being interviewed, but the camerawork and editing in the introduction with FifthWay was jarring and I also thought it curious that the concepts of Ponerology weren't really touched on in the trailer. Additionally I was disappointed in the disorganization of the Kickstarter project. I spent a little time looking at successful Kickstarter projects and this campaign is lacking, to say the least. It made me wonder if FifthWay had done much research on Kickstarter since it had taken me 10-15 minutes to get a sense of what seemed to work and what didn't. I didn't think it was organized in a way that could sustain ongoing pledges, particularly to reach $60,000. Also, if it was intended to make the film free to everyone, why not state that in the project description?

Fifthway, I agree with what others have said about your lifestyle and I do question your perception of wealth, which I find ironic considering the recent incarnation of this project sprung from an OWS video. How many people that you met at OWS, or even from this group do you think could afford the type of place you have? I'm inclined to think if you have distortions of money in your personal life, then that could also carry over into your budget of this project as well. It may be what you think of essential necessities are in actuality bells and whistles for most. In a world were people are really scrambling to just put food on the table because of psychopaths and in such need of this information, are you considering others in what you are asking of them?

 

[ScarletBegonias]

I think there is intentional deception somewhere. Horovitz-Jackson have been receiving the Biennial statements for Alex's corp since at least 2007. I can't believe they wouldn't write "not at this address" on the notices, considering who they are and what they do, unless they are involved. It's also too much of a coincidence to me that Jackson is partnered with the woman who was President of the company that bought GT Racer.

Thank you for doing all of this research, Guardian. I never donated funds to help make a movie before, but thought the subject was so important that it was worthy of financial support. I also thought that the SOTT team supported the kickstarter campaign, but I guess I was wrong.

I had a weird dream last night that one of the directors of Fishead, whom I befriended online, was killed, and after catching up on this thread I am now finding that oddly symbolic. I am no longer offering financial support to this project.

About trusting long-time members too quickly: I for one won't be saying 'lesson learned' too quickly because this is not a first for me. I tend to assume that long-time members and mods know better and are to be trusted in all cases. In the past, there have been cases when this was not necessarily true and I see that this positive bias towards long-time members and mods is still going strong in me. It's like covariation detection (to quote Wilson) is optional in my machine. Because apparently, this bias is so strong in me that despite having witnessed several times that it is not valid (long-time members and mods are humans and make mistakes), I cannot change it.

I have noticed this program in me too, Mrs. Tigersoap, but this shock is good wake-up call.

the thing is you can read and do as much as you want on your own but without a good network it is almost a certainty that you will fall into delusions.

I just reread some of my early posts on this forum.
what is clear to me: I wouldn't be where I am today if I wouldn't followed this forum so closely and interacted within it. Period.
most likely I would be on a much bigger delusion trip without the forum.

This is how it has been for me too, Pashalis. I think it's a reminder for me just how important networking on this forum really is. I'm going to look into Laura's book recommendations.

 

[Turgon]

I also pledged some money for this project, seeing that a few members were involved in the original OWS video with Puck in it. I was excited that this documentary was being made by forum members and wanted to see it come to fruition.

When Guardian started questioning Fifthway, I found myself getting defensive as to why there was such a necessity for that, because he's obviously doing a service to other's by even making this documentary. I was completely wrong in thinking that, and really just followed the support of this project blindly based on what the topic was all about and who was involved. Even though I don't have that detective instinct of sniffing out a fishy situation, I can see a little more why it's so incredibly essential to have.

In a world were people are really scrambling to just put food on the table because of psychopaths and in such need of this information, are you considering others in what you are asking of them?

Real good point, Shane. Applies to this situation and many others. For now, I will let my pledge stand, but will wait to hear what more FW has to say about this.

 

[Laura]

For now, I will let my pledge stand, but will wait to hear what more FW has to say about this.

At this point, after reading all the twisting and maneuvering and slipping around in the dark that's been going on, I can't think of much that FW could say that would convince me of anything except that he's desperate to maintain his food.

 

[Muxel]

This reminds me of when the Green Lady lulls everybody to a trance in The Silver Chair, and only Puddleglum notices (because, luckily for everyone, he's "hardwired" that way) and steps on the incense, waking his companions up.

Being out here in the "wilderness" (cornville) I have no contact with other forum members. I am not privy to the face to face meetings, nor am I in a position to understand the full context of this situation.

Replace Cornville with Buffalo and ditto. :) I see it as a blessing. Meeting forum members face-to-face would take away the "magic" of this forum for me.

With respect, I hope a lesson of falling down the social ladder is needed. Many of us out here are only a few paychecks from financial ruin and indescribable fear and potential homelessness.

Yup! Fifth Way, you might wanna cut ties with these scary upperclass people.

$60 000 could put me and another kid through college, or feed 170 people for a month. Spending that sum on alpha waves is frivolous. :O

 

[Gimpy]

For now, I will let my pledge stand, but will wait to hear what more FW has to say about this.

At this point, after reading all the twisting and maneuvering and slipping around in the dark that's been going on, I can't think of much that FW could say that would convince me of anything except that he's desperate to maintain his food.

I haven't seen FW doing anything out of the ordinary for an 'independent film maker', including padding up his IMDB resume. Making movies never gets done without rubbing elbows with people with money, and it can become quite mercenary. Not everyone does it that way, I'm saying what FW has done here is in line with what I've seen, that's all.

Fwiw, even though I was excited and really wanted to contribute to the movie, it struck me hard that I wanted it too much.....and I wasn't seeing any kind of actual endorsement or discussion about it here either....which to me is a HUGE red flag waving under my nose.

Personally, if it didn't start here as a discussion or even a project....even a mention....its time to ask What's up with That? I've been so busy with health issues I didn't go looking, so it was upsetting to read how off the cuff the whole movie was. (Like Guardian, I'm a suspicious sort. Because I'm also a paranoid sort, I tend to keep my eyes open and mouth shut too much.)

 

[Joe]

This statement by FifthWay was a hook, imo:

Some on this forum know that I am working on this since quite a while and other members where involved back then, which is when we shot the interviews that you see in the trailer. The focus at "headquarters" shifted as EE was rolled out and my own life became increasingly complicated with my unfolding divorce struggle that fortunately has now been conclude. This is what I wanted to do for a long time and the general law did its best to keep me from it. But this is my focus now and I sure hope I can get the budget together. The idea is a bit frightening to say the least but so far we had a good start. Lets hope we can keep it up and make the Kickstarter campaign a successes.

Imo, saying that "other members where involved back then" and "The focus at "headquarters" shifted as EE was rolled out" implied to me that it was a backed project put on hold, but now the project is a go.

Yeah, that was a complete distortion of the facts of the matter. And I have good reason to believe that FW knew it to be a distortion when he wrote it.

 

[Alejo]

finally caught up with the discussion, and finally found it, when the project was launched i was very exited about it, pledged immediately, but then came to the forum and started to look for a thread on it, and days went by until i finally found this today.

i was very excited about the project, i really wanted to help and do my part, i also thought at first that it was backed by the chateau crew, and i guess sometimes that drive to want to do your part gets in the way of your observations, i had also found it curious later on that it had not been mentioned on SOTT, but gave it no thought..(not wise).

i should mention that in this drive to want to help, i ordered to print (in color) some flyers which have not come in the mail and was planning to take on the paperboy role and give them away to people on the street (Tigersoap i hope you don't mind).

as others have said, i will let my pledge stand by and see where this thread goes, and then make a decision on it later on, overall Guardian has made a wonderful job at seeing and pointing out things that most of us did not, and this is the real value of a network, it's something i was mentioning to my brother recently, without a network, no effort on the work will ever go anywhere.

thanks Guardian,

 

[Buddy]

Guardian has made a wonderful job at seeing and pointing out things that most of us did not...

Agreed. Every time Guardian gets involved I re-experience all those youthful longings to be an investigator during those early years of reading Sherlock Holmes, Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, and many others.

...and this is the real value of a network, it's something i was mentioning to my brother recently, without a network, no effort on the work will ever go anywhere.

Speaking of which I recently had occasion to revisit Paul Orfalea's story. As the founder of Kinko's, he went on to retire a millionaire and become a philanthropist. Noticing some parallels between him, Laura and others who achieve success honestly, the essence of success seems to be a pragmatic disposition with an ability to learn by looking (see the obvious, ask questions, find answers) and have a supporting network.

A few noteworthy points about Paul that also seem to apply to other successful people:

...believes in asking his own questions and finding his own answers.

He also learned to smile and to confront issues and people without anger. His family stood firmly behind him. “If I didn’t have my parents on my side, I would have been easily defeated.” There was never a shred of anger in his voice or a frown upon his face. Paul is not angry with his lot in life, he is not ashamed of his dyslexia or his lack of mechanical ability but he is proud of what he has accomplished and wants to maximize the gifts that God has given to him. Not only does he want to let people do their work,
he wants to help them.

He is a down-to-earth man. He is a bottom line man – the outcome matters.

He is a moral and a wise man who is impressed with results, not with theory, technology or statistics. He has a strong sense of responsibility toward his fellowman...

...and an understanding that:

The biggest problem is ourselves. We always take our families for granted. We take ourselves too seriously. We carry our desire for personal satisfaction to the extremes. Asked what his greatest achievement was – he responded “his children” without hesitation. His greatest happiness comes from his family.

...and so will yours, FifthWay, if you are able to let yourself learn from this experience. OSIT


----------------------
More here: _http://www.uic.edu/depts/accc/itl/conf2003/usetech2enhance/carney1.pdf

 

[Fifth Way]

For now, I will let my pledge stand, but will wait to hear what more FW has to say about this.

At this point, after reading all the twisting and maneuvering and slipping around in the dark that's been going on, I can't think of much that FW could say that would convince me of anything except that he's desperate to maintain his food.

I will not try to convince anybody of anything because Laura, you are right it would only serve to maintain my food.

I am sorry I deceived you all. Through this thread (and other comments elsewhere) I learned that there is a very big problem with my own pathology, right-man's syndrome, narcissism and predator mind.

Over the last few days I have been banging my head against the wall as to how it could be, being on this forum for such a long time and having had serious mirrors before, to still just not get it. Not only not get it but being completely delusional about myself. And about the people I am talking to.

Clearly I did a couple of bad turns the biggest one was to leave the forum. There was a specific reason for it and Laura and other know about it and I don't want to get into it now. But I must say that I was offered to stay on a more private forum and I did not do that either and that really disconnected me from the group. I thought I could stay connected through teaching EE but that didn't work out so well either.

There is just no substitute to this network and I fell right back all the way into the deepest depth of ignorance. Yes I am blind to see my own blindness.

Even though I found out about my narcissism I did not make real steps to combat it. My divorce was a really long, hard, draining, battle and it was the perfect excuse for me to look at myself as a victim. I never really accepted the full responsibility fort my life. I made myself believe that I dealt with my narcissism but clearly I did not.

As a consequence I have now bothered so many people, got them so excited and motivated to spend their time and energy on my behalf. And not only that, now I robbed them of more energy in order to rectify the situation. I am really sorry.

As things unraveled over the past few days I started to think that maybe there is something wrong with my actual brain. I thought maybe I should get my own MRI done to see wether there is a pattern that is actually hardwired because I am so resistant to, or incapable of introspection.

Ironically a week ago or so, as I was searching the net for who I could approach to support my project. I found this article here and I think it may explain a few things.

In the past (years ago) Laura has hinted at my strange writing patterns as it reminded her of a certain type of pathology. And it really dose take me over average time to write clearly. I am pretty dyslexic and that never eased during my whole life. Interestingly the only time I am less dyslexic is after I do EE.

Now this article also refers to "Thinking, Fast And Slow" and it's two agents called System1 and System 2. I wonder if that could be at the heart of my complete ****up.

PSYCHOPATHY AND DYSLEXIA RELATED I
_http://wolfthiessen.wordpress.com/2011/11/05/psychopathy-and-dyslexia-related-i/

Ordinarily, psychopathy and dyslexia are thought to be distinct conditions. Psychopathy, for instance, appears in the population at a prevalence of one or two percent. Dyslexia, on the other hand, can appear at rates of six to twenty percent. Dyslexia is considered to be a “learning disability,” and thus benign and treatable, whereas psychopathy is seen as a “mental deviation” with perverse mood disorders and little hope for remediation.

We could be wrong, as there is evidence for overlap in cognitive styles and neurological processes. Observations of adult and juvenile prison inmates indicate a higher than normal incidence of dyslexia (Moody 2009), sometimes as much as double that of the general population. Elbeheri and colleagues (2009) and Swenson and colleagues (2001) find that young legal offenders in Kuwait and elsewhere not only show deficits in information processing but also show repetitive criminal acts, and aggression, as well as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). These are surprising overlaps of behavioral profiles, which may give us a better understanding of psychopathic actions.

Stordy (2000) and Richardson and an Puri (2000) indicate that dyslexia and ADHD (and possibly psychopathy) may be related to deficits in long-chain polyunsaturated fatty acids (LCPUFAs). For example, children with ADHD have significantly lower levels of key fatty acids in their blood, and dyslexic individuals have been helped with supplements of key fatty acids. It would be exciting to learn that psychopathic traits could be diminished by the same treatment. What systems of information processing might help us find the points of neurological inflection that open our way to a clearer understanding of psychopathy?

PROCESSING INFORMATION: ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE

Two general forms of information processing – System 1 and System 2 – can be posited to assist an individual in evaluating the nature of the environment. This dichotomy is obviously a simplified interpretation of cognitive processes, but may be broadly useful as we view differences among psychopaths and non-psychopaths.

System 1 is a survival mode of processing that is largely automatic, quick, unconscious, mostly subcortical in regulation (centering on the amygdala), and is used to assess potential dangers or sudden opportunities in the environment.

If an ancestor of yours, living on the savannah of Africa approached a thicket of bushes that might be hiding a tiger; he or she must have been prepared for decisive action. All sensory and motivational qualities was operating to provide the most accurate picture of the surroundings and prepare the individual for fight, flight, or indifference. That brain processing had to be immediate, simple, and without much thought. Currently, those are the kind of analyses that psychopaths and dyslectics do best. This is System 1 working for quick efficiency and based primarily on emotional reactions.

System 2 information processing is more complex, requires rational thought, as Aristotle emphasized centuries ago, and takes more time. It is phylogenetically more recent and depends heavily on evolved cortical brain structures and functions. It involves information processing of ambiguous stimuli that may not be important for immediate survival, but could possibly change the way we live. Psychopaths and dyslectics seem to have difficulties with the level of complexity involved in System 2.

It is important to note for understanding the neuropsychological processes of psychopath, that psychopaths and dyslexics share several characteristics and have difficulties with System 2 cognitive demands. Both groups tend to show impulsivity and aggression, display disabilities in evaluating written and spoken material, often show disregard for the feelings of others, suffer from hyperactivity and attention disorders, and have difficulties dealing with ambiguous situations.

Psychopaths reveal their cognitive quirks in tests of “cohesion” in story telling (e.g. Brinkley et al (1999) and in speech patterns (discussed by Wynne Parry on Fox News, October 24, 2011). These studies are preliminary but begin to show us the range of speech and conceptual difficulties that are common among psychopaths and dyslexics. If the cognitive styles are similar for the two groups, the underlying neurophysiological conditions may overlap as well, perhaps giving us insights for modifying both conditions.

We can hypothesize more, in that if psychopaths are short-term reproductive strategists, as they seem to be, dyslexic individuals who share many of the same traits may also be short-term strategists. They may also be heavily narcissitic and low on empathy and remorse. It will be interesting to empirically test these possibilities.

Stand fast.

Del Wolf Thiessen, November 6, 2011

There you have it. I don't t think I am psychopathic. I have way to much anxieties for that. But I am definitely more at home in system 1 than system 2. This is why I perform good shooting at a racetrack. Tons of stuff is going on and I can keep an overview on everything all the time. I can get concepts intuitively but not grasp their more abstract complexity.

I am a slow writer and a slow reader and I am always behind with the reading recommendations here.

I mess up counting pipe-breathing or loose the focus when somebody speaks in the hallway.

The bottom line is I think the best is for me to cancel the project and sort out my own pathology otherwise I am only going to be a burden for others. Unless somebody has a really bright idea, which is unlikely.

The truth is I, I, I wanted to do this film so bad.
When we first started this documentary years ago I just didn't deliver. Yes the Chateau did shift focus and EE became more important but they also were not satisfied with me and told me to go and do it on my own. And I could not admit this to others such as Shane. But of course I could not admit this to myself either so I had to tell myself that I was misunderstood.

Now as my divorce was behind me I thought it would be a good idea to pick it up and do it on my own (as I was told to do it). So I did not address it to this group, which was of course so incredibly stupid. I am connected to so many people in this group also outside this group (facebook, EE etc).

To think I could do it connected but not-connected was worse then hideous because it did exactly what we have now. Everybody thought my project was backed up by the Chateau even though it was not, thus giving everybody now the feeling of being deceived by me. And basically I did deceive everybody because I wanted to be right. (btw the reason I wrote to Shane about "headquarters" and not Chateau is because I can write headquarters without spell check but not Chateau. I put it in quotes because the proper word would have been Chateau. Ways to cover up my dyslexia by using more system 1 then 2 and example of my disturbed communication skills.)

I can only go back to the drawing board and submerse myself again here and in the Work.

I think the project is a good idea in principle, except that I cannot lead it by myself because my own pathology will not allow me to do it as it has to be done. I created such a huge mess in a very short time it is almost incomprehensible.

I am serious about wanting to understand myself and even if every mirror (in my case anyway) is a real slaughter, I am always relived once it is all out. Because lying to oneself sucks in the end. And being told the truth is very liberating and I really mean it if I thank you all and I apologize again for having been such burden and energy drain. Pure entropy.


Regarding my corporation: I can only call my accountant tomorrow and ask him what the hell is going on and report back. Btw their name is Paneth Haber & Shron LLP.

I would like to address more but I can think - because I CAN'T THINK!

I will read the "The Adaptive Unconscious" and "Thinking, Fast And Slow" and the "Difficulties of Recognizing Our Own Incompetence" thread.

I don't want to be the one I have been.

Thanks


PS: I was wondering if we could possibly remove my real name and my company name from this thread. I don't think it would be helpful if my ex-wife or my 10 year old daughter would find this thread by goggling the names. You all know anyway who I am. I mean obviously you don't know who I am and I don't know who I am - but you all know my real name.

 

[Buddy]

Psychopathy and dyslexia may be related but I don't see evidence that the relationship is causal. ADHD and dyslexia is related as is ADHD and psychopathy and God only knows what else may be related to whatever else. I am mildly dyslexic as others are on here because I've seen it with my own eyes and sometimes before edits. In fact, I can be dyslexic in a way that turns subject and object around in a phrase if I am speaking or writing too fast. Am I psychopathic?

 

[Iron]

Still you have left questions unanswered Fifthway.

About your accountant, and the other conections you do have.
SO what you will DO, to rectify this situation? Public disclosure?

I would not bother too much with the dyslexia issue, and connections with psychopathy.
The problem here is far more simple. You twisted things that were said, added some other fabrications and therefore created an awfull situation. If you dont see that what you have done has nothing to do with dyslexia and psychopathy, and everything to do with an ego trip and lack of courage to state the truth, then how can you grow from this situation, and undo the possible damage and chaos created.

Dont beat around the bush; go to the heart of the matter - acknowledge what you did, and think of ways to undo the damage!

 

[Laura]

There you have it. I don't t think I am psychopathic. I have way to much anxieties for that. But I am definitely more at home in system 1 than system 2. This is why I perform good shooting at a racetrack. Tons of stuff is going on and I can keep an overview on everything all the time. I can get concepts intuitively but not grasp their more abstract complexity.

Can you describe exactly what you do on a "racetrack shoot"? Do you handle the camera? Do you give direction to anyone? Do you then edit the film? I have the feeling that even this is an illusion.

The bottom line is I think the best is for me to cancel the project and sort out my own pathology otherwise I am only going to be a burden for others. Unless somebody has a really bright idea, which is unlikely.

The main reason you can't do it is because you haven't got a clue about making a film nor do you have a clue about psychopathy.

The truth is I, I, I wanted to do this film so bad.

No, the truth is you, you, you want so bad to be important and to feed your self-image as "big film making person".

When we first started this documentary years ago I just didn't deliver. Yes the Chateau did shift focus and EE became more important but they also were not satisfied with me and told me to go and do it on my own. And I could not admit this to others such as Shane. But of course I could not admit this to myself either so I had to tell myself that I was misunderstood.

What part of the fact that you have no clue what you are doing is so hard to understand? After the whole New Orleans event we knew there was a problem so then, after a long question and answer session we discovered that you don't know anything about handling a camera, you don't know anything about lights, you don't know anything about film editing, you can't even convert the raw footage into usable file formats. Essentially, you just want to collect some people together, have them do all the work with you running around saying "I'm the director/producer", and then take all the credit. You wanted to use our money, our group members, resources, to make a film that YOU would own. Not QFG or the member participants, it was all about YOU.

So yeah, we sent your footage back to you and said "go for it but you're on your own. You will not get any more funding from us and you will not get the resources of our work and members. You will not use us to promote YOU."

That's it in a nutshell.

Now as my divorce was behind me I thought it would be a good idea to pick it up and do it on my own (as I was told to do it). So I did not address it to this group, which was of course so incredibly stupid. I am connected to so many people in this group also outside this group (facebook, EE etc).

That's incredibly disingenuous, FW. You immediately saw that being involved with EE also got you involved with a number of forum/group members which you then proceeded to exploit covertly. You tried, once again, to use the group to promote YOU.

To think I could do it connected but not-connected was worse then hideous because it did exactly what we have now. Everybody thought my project was backed up by the Chateau even though it was not, thus giving everybody now the feeling of being deceived by me.

Because you WERE deceiving everybody.

I think the project is a good idea in principle, except that I cannot lead it by myself because my own pathology will not allow me to do it as it has to be done. I created such a huge mess in a very short time it is almost incomprehensible.

Because problems spring up around you like mushrooms after a rain...

I am serious about wanting to understand myself and even if every mirror (in my case anyway) is a real slaughter, I am always relived once it is all out. Because lying to oneself sucks in the end. And being told the truth is very liberating and I really mean it if I thank you all and I apologize again for having been such burden and energy drain. Pure entropy.

We'll see.

 

[Kaigen]

After finding this discussion in this tread, what really surprised me.

View days ago I was searching the members of the Facebook group FW created and couldn't find Laura what was suspicious to me I decided to wait.

I was in the same boat as many backers, only after the kickstarter system asked me about amazon account, and I haven't one. I decided to order DotCM for a year, I thought that will be same as back the psycho documentary if it comes from SoTT.

 

[Oxajil]

Even though I found out about my narcissism I did not make real steps to combat it. My divorce was a really long, hard, draining, battle and it was the perfect excuse for me to look at myself as a victim. I never really accepted the full responsibility fort my life. I made myself believe that I dealt with my narcissism but clearly I did not.

As things unraveled over the past few days I started to think that maybe there is something wrong with my actual brain. I thought maybe I should get my own MRI done to see wether there is a pattern that is actually hardwired because I am so resistant to, or incapable of introspection.

Like you said, you never really have accepted full responsibility. Even now you would want to put the blame on your brain, rather than on yourself. Whenever some things don't go as expected, as Laura wrote in the Redirect thread: ''the personal interpretation will kick in immediately: you will either take responsibility, or blame circumstances."

Fwiw.