Following a brief exchange on the Richard Dolan thread, I decided I was going to archive my thoughts and journal musings on a 47 year journey through life, haunted by the paranormal. Now, first of all I must say this is going to be filtered slightly for pertinent information, but I will not be luridly putting my childhood on display. So just the factual info as I see it. I think I was about 43 when I finally overcame my inherent slowness of mind, when I realised that my entire life has been lived under a kind of shadow. Like I was being watched, stalked even. I was no-one special, but I was very sensitive as a kid, I remember that much. And I was also very lucky to have open-minded, liberal parents. By the age of 7 I was reading Hulk and Spiderman books, watching Hammer Horror films on late night tv, and generally just being very inquisitive. Home life was amazing, but I didn't like school much.
I provide these details just to provide you with a general backdrop, of how I was living as a cheeky young-un. Early in my life I already had experiences that were forgotten for many years, and then with my effort they were finally unearthed. Night terrors, really scary experiences late at night when all was quiet in the family home. It became a worrying pattern for a few years, and also I suffered from chronic nosebleeds as a kid too. I remember waking up screaming in the night calling for my Mother to save me from "them", who were "trying to get" me. I can recall this plain as day. This first manifested actually in 1979, so I would have been 3 or 4 at this time, before the comic books and horror films.
I was convinced some devil, some monster was trying to get me. I went through a period when I would dread going to bed at night, knowing what was coming once I fell asleep. Then, by about age 5, the night terrors ended, along with the nosebleeds, and I concentrated my mind on school, where I was struggling to fit in and blossom. Then life was fairly stable and unremarkable for a few years, until I saw a "ghost" in my Grandmother's house, would have been around 1983, so I would have been 8 or 9. It was a little white humanoid, about 4ft tall, scampering up the stairs to the attic in that old house my Gran had. It was startling, breathtaking, but I kept it to myself and told no-one that I had seen it. It was my secret, and I later in life drew pictures of my memories of the sighting. It was a very spooky moment. The way it moved was so unlike human movement, it kind of floated.
At the time, I was convinced I'd seen a ghost, but now looking back I have a different view. I had no alien reference point at that age, I knew about Dracula and Werewolves but not aliens.
Now, well I think I saw a 4d critter, of what description I cannot say. Undoubtedly it was a life-changing experience however! I was very proud of myself for a while back then, chuffed that I had found my first secret, and I guarded it well, never told a soul. Then the next phase of dreams came to spook me out. I kept dreaming that I was in this big, well-furnished mansion. I'd be idly walking down the corridors in my dream, before a man with no head would appear, dressed like a butler, calling out my name! My god I'd wake up scared out of my wits! I told my Dad that dream however. I think I would have been around the same time as the "ghost". My Dad, ever the pragmatist, called it a "Headless Spectre", and he told me it was nothing to worry about. That was a recurring dream for a while, and I was still happily enjoying my life otherwise, all comic books, horror and fantasy films, and early videogames. I really wasn't a troubled kid. but I was slowly gathering all these spooky experiences that I could not explain.
In the mid eighties I also developed a funny game, where I'd pretend to be a victim of an earthquake, and lie motionless under my duvet, pretending I was stuck under rubble. I recall doing this one Saturday morning in my bedroom, and I let my eyes de-focus, just stare out into the vanishing point. Then I saw it. The figure of a transparent humanoid, at least 6ft tall, walking through the window of my bedroom! I was speechless, and again I told no-one. What the hell was going on? Another unexplained slice of pure fried weirdness for my soul to contend with. I could not believe what I had seen. It only happened that once. I saw similar figures in future sightings, but never again as a kid.
By 1985-86, things changed considerably; I got into football and pop music, and became less ethereal than before, more casual, more worldly. I began to notice girls of course too. I was still an avid horror film fan however, that didn't leave me at any point. But all the spooky stuff I kinda put away in a secret place within, like my own little "Pandora's Box" of strange little oddities. Following my nervous breakdown in 2004, my journaling efforts brought these memories back to me. I had forgotten them for about 20 years! But yeah, real life took over for a few years then, when being outdoors with my buddies was the best thing to do if you wanted to have fun. Riding bikes, climbing trees (and stealing apples, lol), playing football, life was just great.
Those years in the mid 80's were just perfect, I have immense nostalgia for that period in my life. I looked forward to getting out of bed every day, not having a clue what sort of experience was on the horizon. I'm very thankful to my parents, they gave me structure but never condescended, I was given the freedom to grow, develop, blossom. In my journals the period 1983-1986 is noted as a particularly happy time. But more spookiness was lurking just on the horizon....
I think it would have been 1987, I was just getting used to life in High School, had been there about a year. Puberty had hit me in a very incongruous way. I was a titch, one of the smallest kids in school. But my voice had broken, so I actually had a fairly decent baritone on me, lol!
It just made for an awkwardness that I struggled with till I was about 18. By this period in my life sci-fi had entered the picture. I saw "V", and absolutely loved it. I saw "Close Encounters" and was a bit confused by it, didn't really understand the film at that age. But I can still recall the breathtaking moment when the aliens were revealed. I thought that was an awesome way to end a film. So my subconscious was awash with influences by that age, and I was still absolutely fearless in watching any 18-cert film that interested me, and my parents said, "cool, we trust you". I love 'em, they've always respected my right to independence. so, anyway, that's the backdrop, now I'll head back into 1987, and very spooky experiences late at night once again.
I recall waking up from the weirdest dream experience I can ever recall having. I was lying naked on a white table in a sky blue dome, surrounded by 3 tall white humanoids with enormous heads, with no faces. Literally there was nothing there. I wasn't scared by them, but they weirded me out for obvious reasons. they were just facing me, I couldn't tell if they were staring at me because their faces were utterly blank. When I woke that morning I was in a kind of traumatised stupor. I just sat slumped in an armchair in my p-j's and robe, all messy hair and a messy mind. I said almost nothing to my family that day. I couldn't work out if it was real or not, that was the thing.
Then I went down with glandular fever and missed about 2 weeks worth of school. To be honest I was happy for the break. I filed the experience away in my box, got back into playing videogames and forgot really, till my 2004 journal entries. How I managed to compartmentalise fascinating experiences into memory-holes and still lead a coherent outer life is something I marvel at. I must have great buffers is all I can say, because it wasn't too long before I had what was (to this point) the strangest experience of them all.
It was around the same time, maybe closer to the summer actually, so I think 1988 possibly. I can't be sure on this one, my memory of this is vague and my scribblings in journals don't make much sense. But it was a hot summer, and life was good. I loved videogames and was getting into hard rock music, like The Cult and Whitesnake and ZZ Top.
Lol, young and innocent days. I had a stereo where we could hook a tape recorder up to a record player, and my elder brother would record his fave tunes onto a cassette for me. Great stuff. Anyway, again no morbid doings, no mental problems, all was sweet. It was with this general backdrop that the summer unfolded. I used to think that this experience took place earlier in my life, but that's not the case. My journal's musing on this period becomes very abstract and messy and doesn't make much sense, so I'm kinda figuring this out as I think about it. I would have been 13.
Anyway I can recall this scene clear as day. I'm in my green p-j's, and have myself snugly sleeping under my blue duvet. Problem is, I'm not in bed, I'm in the ceiling talking to something in my mind which I cannot see.
Yep, this was my one and only Out of Body Experience folks. This experience blew my mind totally. How does an average working class kid living in the suburbs of Wales have this many bonko experiences? No-one I know in my life will dare admit to any such kind of thing! To them it is preposterous, and a sign of an ill-favoured mind.
I've got a USB stick that is solely devoted to my journalling. But this OOBE was the big one. I don't understand how that was possible, and I have no idea what I was communicating with, up by the ceiling. But I was struck by little me, sleeping soundly. what the occasion was, well one can only speculate. I wasn't ill, I know that much. Following this experience, again, I totally filed the memory into the box and forgot it until 2004, the year when everything exploded in my head and I went really nuts for years. I recapitulated too much in one go, and so was overwhelmed. Now, writing these experiences down one by one, I can at least study the pattern and attempt to make some effort at understanding just what I saw, and what took place. I still to this day marvel at this one. When I die, this is on my list of "I WANT TO KNOW...." questions for any higher density guide to answer, lol.
I hope this isn't too-long winded, but I've only got from 1974-88, I've got 88-22 still to go. This is a worthy little exercise for me, it allows me to take a bit of a step back and perceive the long game if there is one. High strangeness, ethereal weirdlings, ghosts, oobe's, dark dreams, we all have them it seems, maybe not each of us all anyway. There has to be a signal in the noise, some kind of pattern. Any way I'll follow up with 89-03 at a later point, I'll have to tax the old grey matter and locate my journal entries that cover this period.
Oh, and just in case anyone reads this and call BS on this, I swear to you on my life, all of what I commit to print on this thread is genuine, it happened. I haven't even got to the maddest ones yet, they're still to come, during a period in my life where I got too reckless, and pride came before a fall. I needed humbling, and it duly happened. John Keel was right, we are haunted, and the cosmic trickster has very cunning plans that need to be considered and understood, so we can still function and prosper as sovereign beings. It is with this latter point in mind that I sign off for now, it's been an interesting little exercise laying this all out chronologically. The next period 89-03 is pretty good because the patterns become clearer as do some of the causative factors. Thank you for reading my absurdly unusual story.
There is a common bond in the human experience. Unfortunately as a society we have a tendency to not want to "go there" when it comes to mental illnesses, particularly schizophrenia. It's amazing to realise that most people have a kind of caricature of a crazy person in mind when they think about this illness, which leads them to shun the people who suffer from this, as if it's some contagious disease. If I have ever mentioned my illness in social chat, it's always a conversation stopper. I don't mention it anymore, I've learned that it is best to keep it as part of my strategic enclosure. Actually, what's really crazy is just dumping all your personal baggage onto another person, that can never end well. I just diligently work on myself in thought, reading, writing, and just general communication. I too was very introverted for a while, and thankfully getting older and more experienced in life helped me immeasurably. I've learned that we are all very different in how we process ideas and understand things. 
