Hello everyone,
I started some time ago to read the novels that Laura and the C's advised and the consequences that this seems to have on me are enormous. I'm only 50% of mackenzie's first novel and I'm oscillating between sadness, joy, depression, the desire to love and still full of roller coaster effects. My sleep is difficult in spite of 6mg of melatonin in the evening and very intense dreams are in my mind. I need to talk about this here because I feel like I'm emotionally dead and my mind is completely perverted about anything to do with desire in the physical sense.
The fact that you're feeling things deeply right now (coupled with your rather intense dreams), even if some of that are negative emotions, is evidence enough that you're certainly NOT emotionally dead" and "perverted". I think it's more to do with emotional blockages and negative programming instilled in you (and in most of us) during your childhood, regarding "sex" and relationships.
I was brought up as a Catholic, where sex is frowned upon and regarded as dirty and almost unnatural. Hence, my view of physical desire has been coloured by that belief that it was something shameful and evil. That sex doesn't mix well with emotions and loving - that these 2 things are antagonistic and must be separated. The idea of separating sexual desire from love is completely schizophrenic, and may lead to pathology, or at least pathological behaviour. To thinking patterns like: "I love that person – hence wanting them sexually is dirty and shameful, "unpure". Or the reverse: "I want that person, hence I don't/can't love them". I know it's a bit more complicated than that, but that's the general idea.
At the beginning of the reading, it was interesting but I am unable to integrate sexual desire in my mind and heart without it being unhealthy or a "positive" function. To give you an idea of what's going on in my head, here's how I "see" this beginning of reading. Ian openly says he wants Beth when he doesn't know her at all, to me this is a purely hormonal representation of a physical desire (and I don't see any form of love in it).
Keep in mind that those are novels/fictions, and not necessarily realistic – though, from other members' accounts (for ie,
MK Scarlett), and from reading some real life testimonies on the Internet, that kind of "love at first sight" phenomenon does exist. Of course, it's not the be all and end all. It's what you do with those feelings of attraction that counts: say the attraction is mutual. OK: but what is your intent? And what is the other person's intent? I'm not sure just "riding out into the sunset" is gonna lead to something productive for either of you.
Anyway, in the novels, the author kind of "speeds up" the process in order to get to the heart of the matter as quickly as possible: which is, as Laura said, strong physical attraction which leads to immediate intimacy between the characters, which leads to a breaking down of the barriers which prevent them from expressing their true self and true emotions. Direct, raw physical contact is a springboard, it lays the ground, so to say, for inner transformation.
I even wondered what these sometimes explicitly described scenes have to do with it ? Two strangers going for the pleasure of the flesh ? All this seduction seems to be a game (and I make the short cut that if seduction is a game, then one manipulates the other to fulfill one's own desires, like a hidden intention).
I don't see "seduction" in the novel we're talking about. The interactions between Beth and Ian are anything but a game: Ian is completely honest regarding his intentions. Even blunt. He's not hiding anything (his "autistic" condition makes him incapable of lying), except for his wounding (because of fear). He falsely believes that he's unable to love. But then, Beth happens and shatters that belief. In the end, truth prevails.
The example I can give is that of offering flowers to your wife, the twisted thought that comes to my mind is to say, we make this gesture not out of love but because we are waiting for the reward that our lady comes to satisfy us sexually in bed (sorry it's a big shortcut but unfortunately I have that in mind).
What's wrong about that, if both are perfectly honest about what they want/need, and if the wife is perfectly willing and wanting - needing – to satisfy her husband? The husband wants to be "fed", and the wife feeds him willingly. In the end, everyone is happy.
When Ian makes love to Beth, he doesn't know her, they just met 3 or 4 times it seems to me and didn't go very far in the knowledge of the other. So this scene described in the hotel, I see Ian acting mechanically and without emotion just wanting to satisfy Beth sexually as a performance act (especially since he says he doesn't know how to love and asks Beth what it feels like to love in relation to her ex-husband Thomas).
Ian has been deeply hurt, and traumatised (SPOILERS) by 1/ seeing his own father murder his mother 2/ being sent to a lunatic asylum where he was tortured. No wonder he "hides" and believes he's unable to love anyone. But his actions prove otherwise. Regarding the scene in the hotel, I don't see it as mechanical and emotionless at all. There's a very strong emotional connection between the 2 characters, and though there's still inner considering, conflict, hiding, and false beliefs, Ian comes close to completely baring his soul to Beth by offering himself up to her, at last being able to look her in the eyes - something he was never capable of before.
The other more positive consequence of this reading is that it gives me a sincere desire to want to love someone, to move forward and fight the dragons that are on the road to reach the full expression of each one, that is to say, to be able to be completely oneself with the other.
And that's exactly the point of this/those books, I think. As said, it's a process, and the sexual union is a means to that end: inner transformation, getting rid of programs, becoming able to give all to one person, and then to more and more people (those who ask).
Curiously I also look for tenderness in touch (just someone I can hold in my arms ! and yet I tell myself that this simple thing is too much to ask for). But here we are in our world and with all the knowledge and the application of it that we have on the forum, I tell myself that hoping to meet someone open to the nature of the wave, the keto, the conspiracies etc... is literally wishful thinking. This feeling of loneliness naturally deepens even more. You can be very well surrounded and have good friends but if nobody is there so that you can share your journey with total intimacy, it's still a shame to be 7 billion on the planet and not find one person ? well I really feel like I'm sinking in the mud sadness and depression with these books. I write these words with a ball in my throat and tears forming.
If the books are doing all this, then it means you're on the right track. It's not supposed to be a walk in the park
I sometimes alternate between anger, deep sadness, frustration, shame, feelings of loneliness, conflicting thoughts, and pure joy and peace/serenity. My advice would be: keep reading (and stick to the MacKenzie series), and you'll see how the journey will take you deeper into unexplored territories, as you uncover layers and layers of buried emotional stuff. Laura is right, you really need to read a bunch of those books in order to grasp what they are really about: unlocking your creative potential and your capacity to love/accept someone/people as they really are (including yourself) and give. Well, that's how I see it right now, after a breakthrough experienced from reading the 3rd book. There's probably more, much more to uncover.
These books seem to send me back that I am already dead inside, that I don't have that flame in me that would like to exist and spread. It's hard to find the right words. I also struggle with my shame to post this message in the swamp, because it generates a lot of feelings of importance on my little person and complacency etc. when I really don't aspire to that. A lot of conflicts emerge and damn it's hard without really figuring out which direction to go in to transform all this and hatch a jewel instead of letting that egg rot.
I've been experiencing the same, and most probably other people too. It is an emotional roller coaster alright, but it's worth it. Keep going!
). It's water under the bridge now though, I'm fairly disconnected from any emotion related to that event, and maybe I am just fairly disconnected from emotions overall?
