Wow. That was a powerful session. It was some of the more emotionally demanding material I've read here in a long while, but well worth the pain. I agree with the C's. You all did very well; grace under fire. There's a lot I found in the narrative to respect. Thank-you so much for sharing this; hard lessons are often some of the best. They keep those alchemical fires burning!
The reason I am posting, other than to offer thanks and encouragement, is to note that February was a very hard month for many people, myself included. I can't help but think that some of that nasty airplane-into-IRS-offices energy was triggering things around here in my immediate situation as well.
Through February, I had two bouts of the flu a week apart from one another, (neither as bad as what you experienced, but still enough to make life difficult). But more than this. . , the owner of the house I live in went crazy and things grew quite unpleasant around here, prompting my decision to move out.
Numerous of the characteristics noted in the "Sue" situation struck me as similar; the owner of the house I am in has a slavish devotion to family dependents/parasites, there is a strong history of mental illness with one adult family member suffering and (while able to perform basic work if he so chose), spends his days doing nothing. The other family member is a bed-ridden senior citizen. Everybody in contact with the family feels a sense of pity and offers to help/work for the family with no payment, which the owner asks for frequently and without any degree of hesitation. But the owner also works very hard, being the only bread-winner to care for the other two. A significant portion of the reason I moved into the vacant apartment upstairs was to ensure that there would be another stream of income for the family via my rent, as well as to help out where possible. (I have a well-stocked tool box and I am good at fixing things.)
This scenario with this disadvantaged family has seemed like one of those tipping situations; where the balance of STS to STO behavior indicated a struggling soul with good intentions in the owner, but the situation is by no means free of selfish behavior. I generally walk around with a heightened awareness of this kind of thing, (a benefit largely derived from the excellent work done by the SOTT team), and I constantly review and measure situations.
In the beginning when I first moved in, I felt a heaviness, knowing that I was undertaking a less than perfect living situation, and I was even quite annoyed at points because I felt rather that the universe was railroading me into the situation. But I took reassurance that my time and energy wasn't being wasted here due to the owner's compassionate streak which showed itself from time to time for people in worse off situations, as well as the evident sporadic efforts to work on personal stuff. That seemed very encouraging. I also installed some hefty barriers between my life and theirs, (as well as making use of thick doors and private space which I never allowed to be intruded upon), and while I rendered assistance whenever asked, I was generally able to get on with life without feeling much drain on my energies. The owner and I did have a couple of arguments over some difficult issues, but they resolved in ways which seemed productive and positive. Life lessons learned.
But then February hit and I found myself in a situation where I needed help. Specifically, I needed a lot of storage space. Luckily there was a plenty of it, far more than I required, in the basement. I'd explained when I first moved in that this situation would without question come up after half a year or so. It was something I was planning for. And I'd been led to believe that this wouldn't present a problem; the landlord was extremely eager to have me move in, had in fact been competing with another landlord who had offered me an apartment, (though one which didn't have the space I needed). I slowly learned to suspect, however, that the assurance I had for the space was based on fast and loose promises. Now, to be fair, it is quite possible that my landlord honestly didn't understand, but whatever the case, when the time rolled around when the space would be needed, it was suddenly a big problem.
Excuses were made, and problems arose which would simply make it impossible for me to use the space. I was frustrated but not terribly surprised to see that the sudden 'chaos' (which I had seen before come out of nowhere thus preventing my landlord being able to deliver on past assurances), was indeed very deliberately manufactured. I, however, am quite good at solving chaotic problems. As each lump of chaos began to form, I acted to fix it and smooth things out, dissolving the various issues before they became insurmountable. We played at this game for several days, each of us very tense because we both knew it wasn't about any of these little problems at all, but was in fact a battle of wills, (though I didn't understand why). Until finally, it was realized that the manufactured chaos tactic wasn't going to work. Then the owner simply turned nasty and unreasoning and stubborn. And really, really angry.
That was when I realized it was time to move out. I'd had enough. It had been strongly indicated in early January that I was wanted gone so that they could raise the rent (by more than half!) with the idea that they would find a foreign student from a wealthy family to rent the room to. A few other landlords in the area had achieved this clever trick, so why not them? The awkward friendliness they had once extended to me was retracted, and I threw up my hands figuring, "Okay, fine! It will be a huge relief to out of this mad house."
So I served notice and asked that I be allowed to leave my boxes in the basement until I vacated next month. This request was flatly refused. I was frankly astonished and really disappointed by this. I felt numb. I recounted the dozens of times I'd responded to calls for their help, all the jobs I'd done repairing and installing things around the house, doing yard work, and yet this one time, when it would require no effort from the owner whatsoever, I needed help in return. Just some storage space which wasn't in anybody's way. -Now I know that help isn't banked like money to be counted and withdrawn. I realize that. But it should still flow both ways in a healthy community, and I thought I'd been offering a good example for how this worked. But it was made very clear that they didn't care, and that there was just no way, that I was on my own. Sorry, chump.
I stood there amazed by this. Then I calmly pointed out that there were repercussions to this kind of behavior, especially in a small town. When people only take and never give, the community learns, remembers. Our community is full of strong, smart people and while there was plenty of compassion to go around, free rides end when it is felt that others are being consistently selfish.
Oh boy. That was not well received. The owner shook with anger, and I was soundly told not to issue threats and not to bring other people into it. I was once again stunned. While I am ashamed to admit that a very frustrated and upset part within myself did hope that Karma would reward swiftly on this issue, I explained that I was not threatening anybody, simply pointing out the reality of social dynamics.
It was the extreme bitterness on the owner's part which really threw me. I managed to remain calm (externally, anyway. My heart was racing!), through this exchange, but the waves of anger and fear emanating back at me from my landlord felt like oven heat. The whole thing made me feel sick for days; sleep was nearly impossible, and I certainly had that elephant on my chest as well. I felt really stupid for having trusted in the first place; for having wasted my time on these people.
So between bouts of the flu, and not knowing what else to do, I moved all my boxes upstairs from the basement and stuffed them into my apartment. I got nearly nothing of real work done for all of February, and I cannot wait to get out of here.
But here's the thing. . .
All the people who know me told me that they were really glad I'd decided to move out, that they had watched me grow more and more strained and drained over the course of the year and that they were worried about me. But every time they brought up their concerns, I'd countered with defenses of my landlord, pointing out good efforts and deeds. There have been a few, but overall, I am confused and tired out by the whole thing. I can't tell if I found myself in this situation through positive or negative design. Was it a program designed to hurt me, or was I doing some kind of karmic duty by presenting a good example and by delivering some hard truths at crucial points on a difficult learning curve? Maybe a bit of both?
I don't know.
Wow. I didn't think I was going to share this story, but the similarities and timing of the SOTT problems at the Chateau jumped out at me. Oh yeah. In the middle of my challenges, my computer contracted a virus and had to be re-built from the ground up. Twice. And, now that I think about it, I actually managed to roll my chair over the memory chip for my digital camera, destroying it.
But to be honest, in comparing notes, I think you guys got the worse end of that energy storm, being at such a crucial center of it as you generally are. While my computer did die, nothing actually blew up and I certainly didn't break any fingers!
So hats off to you, and thank-you again for all your efforts! They are of incredible value to the world! Thank-you!
