Hi NormaRegula,
this is a bit of a long reply, but you've touched the subject I'm thinking about a lot, these days...
It's time to get it 'out', in the open, to reorganize my concepts :)
NormaRegula said:
That's an excellent point to make. Just to clarify my earlier post, I don't recall thinking that I might be "the special one" who would change the world. I just kind of knew that things were going to get less comfy...and that there might be drastic changes that might make for some tough choices. (Kept this to myself until recently due to the fear of being thought crazy.)
if I'm reading it right, you're talking about some sort of anxiety one experiences, when becoming more and more aware
of something other 'at stake' than just social acceptances, playing it 'right' and satisfying one's needs at the same time?
NormaRegula said:
Ever since childhood, I felt I wasn't intelligent, relied too much on emotions, and was confused as to why I couldn't successfully "play the game" or "get with the program" (check out those phrases!) that society demands.
It could of been an awareness of the reality, of our Ponerized society, where emotions are defined as a strange, useful tool for
dominion or just a huge obstacle, if not implemented that way. It's such a perfect set up, how many souled
people have the enough courage, leveled with a right amount ofexperience or/and informations available - to See through it?!
Especially while growing up, being dependable on others and all, not to mention more perfidious set ups, Cass talked about,
for the individuals which are here to 'make a difference'.
Instead, people become introverted, feel 'not intelligent' and 'too emotional', etc...
NormaRegula said:
Sure, I faked it, finally settling on a career that made me feel nominally important...or cool. That was definitely feeling special, although I never equated my job, or the false mask I wore around my coworkers, with the future. Something inside me said "you gotta get yourself together" before it happens. Maybe that was my essence speaking. It was, most likely, my predators mind that placed me on the wrong path...or paths as it turned out!
It's hard to see 'happenings' of our life, once we get familiar with the Work, for what they truly are. Maybe even more hard
not to 'throw it all out with a baby water' once we are confronted with a glimpse of the illusion we were programmed into,
and then chose to believe in.
Since I've found Cass/SOTT sites and started to inform myself about the Work, about many fields of life I didn't give too much
of a serious thought before, except knowing something is rotten and avoided trusting it (like politics, religion, history),
it's been more of a constant reexamining and questioning memories/feelings of my so far life - as a preparation for a true Work.
The most important thing, in this process, is understanding of many concepts, like 'external-internal consideration',
'strategic enclosure', which are also constantly reappearing within this forum's threads. It helps me reading those and
observing my own re-circuiting, while I fight for my own, true understanding of the same. It's a process...
I observed people (and myself) throwing it all away and judging themselves and others with a cruelty of a new-born rage,
cause they were able to catch bits of a Truth, about this planet and their own programs, only for so long
to be thrown right into another depth of illusion, which embrace new concepts only on the surface, and use them
for further programming, even deeper Ponerization.
As far as I can see - it's a back-up program, even more subtle and vicious than the major one,
cause it leaves one in a firm belief they are finally 'doing the right thing', even some sort of a redemption for
all the 'wrongs' they did before. Something Dominionism studied carefully and used it for their own purpose.
Maybe even that's what it means how a person, being overwhelmed with emotions- can be more dangerous
than a non-emotional person.
So, I would be really careful in 'judging' those paths, turns and twists, one's life is constituted with. ;)
Like I said, the healthiest point I found is - observing it all as only a Preparation for the Work.
Everything's in question
[quote author=NormaRegula]Since starting the Work, I've had to rethink a lot of what I once thought was important in "getting myself together." ("Getting yourself together" is an interesting phrase, too. As in identifying and gathering up all those little "Is" and programs, then putting them in a cage for future reference, perhaps?)
Looking back, much of what I once believed in and carried out because of those false beliefs makes me cringe. Yet, were it not for those painful lessons, I wouldn't be here, making difficult efforts to obtain, analyse, and understand true knowledge about myself, others, and the world in order to be ready for whatever may come. [/quote]
As I'm opening my eyes for the horrors and deceptions of this world, when I look at a mirror - I see it all reflected back to me.
Through me. Through my own deceptions, manipulations, lies...The world is staring at me from my own eyes.
I've never expected 'One' concept to hit me back this way
Am I losing my mind? Not afraid of that. I've already lost, more or less willingly, all that ever considered to be important.
I've betrayed it all. All of my 'innocence', if that even existed, ever.
Is it possible that when one starts to finally come to her/his senses, it feels the exact opposite?
Cause that's how I interpret what's happening to me. In a way, I'm fighting the final enemy - me.
No matter if I was programmed to it, during my grow-up-phase, and later – it’s me who adopted it.
And here they are: all of my own lies, inventions... Buffers. Emotional fireworks which seem so apocryphally now.
Untrue. All of my 'suffering'... And can not help feeling I’m fighting some dark part of me, while working on
my aim… (Better said- creating an Aim.) Not a predator, as some foreign thing. The predator is ME.
All the pride once taken in being ‘my own person’, with ‘my own thoughts and actions , supported with the pain
others 'caused' me... all collapsed and crashed down, right over/on my head. What a bunch of illusions…
And now it’s like being stretched over some middle-age-torturing machine, a real torture, this ‘me’ I’m fighting with.
But I wouldn’t call it suffering, cause it’s not like anything experienced before. Can not cry over ‘poor me’,
cause it’s many concepts of me - I’m fighting with. There’s no victim here, except maybe some ‘True’ me...
But that’s just another concept, at the time, sort of a dream I can not hold onto at the moment, it’s just too abstract,
poorly showing in my actions...
Not being a kid anymore and knowing better than blaming someone else, or just the world around me…
Once you figoure out there's a way to learn, find out about the tactics of 'this world'
- one's left with no excuses. And what I see 'OUT and IN' is not a pretty picture.
At moments, it’s like ripping away a part of my own flesh. You know it’s something you don’t want to be,
you don’t like and don’t need anymore, but it’s been so long with you, as a part of you – it hurts like hell to get rid of it.
Maybe that’s what all those SOTT recommended books are saying – when we choose to stop identifying with our false identities,
programs, we
have to face the predator within – a tremendous fear of ‘loosing ourselves’, a fear of nothingness…
It takes a lip of faith and a strong determination to go through that process, cause there’s a moment when we let go
and the ‘Real I’ is not yet visible. It’s like staring at all the horrors of the world, within ourselves.
I’m fighting with a panic, with desire to hold onto the first known thing… And sometimes I do. Ran back.
Then, it’s twice as hard to go through it again. But holding onto becomes just that – holding onto an illusion.
The pleasure of identification is taken away and necessity of letting go becomes painfully obvious.
[quote author=NormaRegula]Don't know if I'll make it in time, although hypothetically there is no time, so ever onward...
[/quote]
Time - as another 3D concept, means little, actually. If you can get a grip on some of your life's lessons,
in what kind of a time-circle-frame they've been happening, re-playing.. More and and more, I become convinced how time-frame
is nothing more than a perfect excuse, for an 'awakening person', not to follow/act upon their destiny.
It's an illusion, maybe the greatest one of them all, to keep souls captured and still.
Alice