OMNIVORE
1. Grow up on a crappy omnivore diet that
includes a lot of junk food and boring home-
cooked meals. In the suburbs, ideally. When
you meet your first vegan, ask where they get
their protein. Say you love cheese too much to
ever give it up. Convince yourself there was a
strip of leather somewhere on their shoes.
2. Realize how fucked up it is that animals
die so you can eat a McNugget. Go
vegetarian.
VEGETARIAN
3. Openly judge meat eaters. Anti-meat
militancy often peaks early as you distance your
new compassionate identity from your shameful
recent past. Lecture mom about the evil of
bacon while you pick the remnants of last night’s
Sloppy Joe out of your teeth.
4. Get annoyed when vegans say you’re
inconsistent for giving up meat but not dairy
and eggs. Make fun of those extremist vegans
with your meat eating pals to demonstrate how
comparatively sane you are.
5. Finally admit that vegetarianism is
inconsistent. You don’t eat meat because it
causes animal suffering and death, but dairy
and eggs cause animal suffering and death.
Experience cognitive dissonance. Go vegan.
VEGAN
6. Replace your old crappy diet with an
equally crappy vegan version, relying on fake
meats and fake cheese as you “transition.” If
you experience chronic tiredness, frequent
colds, depression, headaches or nosebleeds,
discover that it’s due to purifying your old
meaty ways. If you feel great, credit veganism.
7. Become so conditioned against eating
animal products that finding out there was
some butter in the biscuit you just ate
makes you nauseous. Cease to think of animal
products as food at all. Ask a vegetarian how
she stomachs all those nasty pus-filled cow
secretions and chicken periods. Call her
inconsistent.
8. Surround yourself with as many vegans as
possible. You’re sick of explaining where you
get your protein. You need a support group. Get
some vegan roommates and join an animal
rights student organization or a vegan message
board.
9. Get into cooking. Eating out is so difficult as
a vegan that learning to cook is essential. It’s
also the only way to know for sure that animal
products haven’t tainted your food. Buy
Veganomicon and Vegan With a Vengeance.
Make vegan cupcakes and call them “yummy.”
Dream of opening a vegan fast food chain.
10. Discover new (vegan) foods. Cutting out
multiple food groups forces you to explore all
the nooks and crannies of the groups you have
left. Express pity for omnivores who have never
tried wheat gluten, tempeh, millet, nutritional
yeast, quinoa, flax seed, spirulina or pumpkin
seed butter. Brag that your diet is more diverse
now than when you ate animal products.
11. Follow the healthiest (vegan) diet
possible. Cut back on mock meats and
processed vegan convenience foods in favor of
vegetables, fruits, nuts, beans and whole grains.
Agonize over the optimal milk replacement and
finally settle on almond milk. Have a green
smoothie for breakfast every morning.
Cautiously ponder if you may be immune to
cancer and heart attacks. Claim you never get
sick. Get sick.
12. Be surprised as your vegan friends
“regress,” becoming vegetarians and meat
eaters. Attribute it to lack of commitment and
their junk food vegan diets. Try and fail to
imagine yourself ever eating animal products
again. Call going vegan the best decision of your
life.
13. Make veganism a bigger part of your
identity. Hand out pamphlets exposing the
truth about factory farming to college students,
cook for Food Not Bombs, protest a zoo,
become a vegan dietitian, start a vegan blog, get
a job at a vegan restaurant or become a vegan
body builder to prove how healthy veganism is.
14. What’s with all the people saying you
look pale and sick? Write it off as anti-vegan
bias. Go to the dentist and find out you have
eight cavities.
15. Feel tired and depressed all the time,
get bored of vegan food and/or start to
question vegan ethics. If you feel unhealthy,
blame genetics or getting older, then buy a
dehydrator and eat more raw and fermented
foods. If it’s boredom, seek out even more
obscure vegan foods like hemp seed-based tofu
or “carnitas” made from young jackfruit. If you
start to doubt vegan arguments, watch the
animal torture porn classic Earthlings or read
something by Gary L. Francione. Consider
actually eating animals for a split second, then
feel guilty. Remember: it may or may not be
wrong to eat meat, but it’s definitely not wrong
to not eat meat. So stay vegan just to be safe.
Also, if you’ve never been a coffee drinker, now
is the time to start.
16. The cognitive dissonance returns as
veganism becomes a burden. How could the
perfect diet and philosophy be failing? Veganism
is forever… isn’t it? Realize veganism is a major
sacrifice and wonder where all the animals you
saved are. Previously your belief in the
wrongness of eating animals was so powerful
that it was easier to change what you did than
what you thought. Now you’re in such bad
shape that it’s easier to change your beliefs than
stay vegan.
17. Hesitantly try a little bit of fish, turkey,
cheese or boiled eggs. It tastes strange and
the texture is unnerving, and you can’t help but
imagine the ghost of the dead animal watching
with disapproval, but you’re so desperate that
you keep trying.
EX-VEGAN
18. Officially quit veganism. Wonder how you
ever went a day without meat, not to mention
years. Kick yourself for eating nothing but
cheeseless pizza and Maoz falafel during your
month in Paris. Go out to eat with your non-
vegan friends and truly enjoy it for the first time
you can remember. “Welcome back to
humanity,” they say. “It’s good to be back,” you
respond. Give up bread.
19. Get into humane meat and weird animal
parts that you never tried before going
vegan. Explain that your dollars promote
humane treatment of animals whereas vegans
opt out of the question all together.
20. Whenever you meet a vegan, think how
cute and naïve it is. Ask how long they’ve been
vegan. If it’s not as long as you lasted, give them
a patronizing smirk as you calculate how much
time they have left. If they’ve been vegan longer
than you made it, marvel at how demented they
must be to go beyond the point that all
reasonable people stop.
21. Learn from your vegan friends and
family members that you are a bad person
and did veganism wrong. Then learn from
strangers that you might not really exist, or that
you may be a saboteur from the meat industry.
Assuming you do exist: if only you had listened
to vegan dietitians Jack Norris and Virginia
Messina, you could still be vegan today. But you
didn’t, so fuck you and don’t respond to this
email.
22a. Stop thinking about veganism.
ANTI-VEGAN
22b. Write an anti-veganism book or blog