What programs have YOU discovered?
- Thread starter TheManyShadesOfJo
- Start date
TOTEM36
Jedi
RyanX said:
Hi Ryan,
yeah, im fully aware of it having to do with issues about being the family scapegoat. After years of journaling, and living like a recluse at times, Im pretty confident i have investigated all sides of the issue. I have been in complete 'no contact' with family for 3 years and 7 months (except a posted b'day card to my mother every year- with no personal info. inside). Sorry for the little detail Im just not a 'poor me' 'boo hoo' type person. Thanks for the question.
I've been compiling a list of my programs for quite some time.
I am extremely reactive to:
-being falsely accused
-having physical or mental upset come at me out of the blue
-situations when the world doesn't behave in a rational manner
It's been pointed out to me that I suffer from "abuse of sex" in the mental center, which leads to my cerebral fixations on:
-debating
-formulating abstract theories
-strategy board and computer games
I'm mister happy-go-lucky in my friend circles... I have this "I" where I'm the go-to-person for finding a positive spin on a given situation. I'm not saying such a trait is negative, but I think any time we engage in role-playing we are immersed in programs on some level.
I dissociate when suffering punishment I don't believe in. I'm convinced I'm correct to the point of my not learning anything from the experience, aside from ways to avoid punishment.
Many of these stemmed from an early childhood experience of mine. I was in a day-care with some older kids. An older girl asked me to pinch her. Why not, eh? When I listened to her she whined and told on me, and having a somewhat lacking vocabulary to describe what happened, I couldn't defend myself and so was punished. This is what makes me reach for new ways of understanding things, debating things, et cetera - so I can defend myself against anything. This is why I have an intense visceral response to being falsely accused.
I also think that, getting the idea in my head that you can be punished unjustly, I was rarely neutral about authority figures, and they were rarely neutral about me. Some teachers, coaches, principles, et cetera either loved me or hated me. There's very little room for indifference when faced with being controlled by forces you may not understand or sympathize with.
I am extremely reactive to:
-being falsely accused
-having physical or mental upset come at me out of the blue
-situations when the world doesn't behave in a rational manner
It's been pointed out to me that I suffer from "abuse of sex" in the mental center, which leads to my cerebral fixations on:
-debating
-formulating abstract theories
-strategy board and computer games
I'm mister happy-go-lucky in my friend circles... I have this "I" where I'm the go-to-person for finding a positive spin on a given situation. I'm not saying such a trait is negative, but I think any time we engage in role-playing we are immersed in programs on some level.
I dissociate when suffering punishment I don't believe in. I'm convinced I'm correct to the point of my not learning anything from the experience, aside from ways to avoid punishment.
Many of these stemmed from an early childhood experience of mine. I was in a day-care with some older kids. An older girl asked me to pinch her. Why not, eh? When I listened to her she whined and told on me, and having a somewhat lacking vocabulary to describe what happened, I couldn't defend myself and so was punished. This is what makes me reach for new ways of understanding things, debating things, et cetera - so I can defend myself against anything. This is why I have an intense visceral response to being falsely accused.
I also think that, getting the idea in my head that you can be punished unjustly, I was rarely neutral about authority figures, and they were rarely neutral about me. Some teachers, coaches, principles, et cetera either loved me or hated me. There's very little room for indifference when faced with being controlled by forces you may not understand or sympathize with.
TOTEM36
Jedi
whitecoast said:
whitecoast said:
hi whitecoast,
If you dont mind me asking,
when you say 'abuse of sex' in the mental centre,
does this mean that you had bad experiences with the opposite 'sex' (as in the example), and, your bad mental experiences with the opposite sex is why you developed cerebral fixations?
anart
A Disturbance in the Force
hallowed said:
No, it's not necessarily directly related to sex the way we often think of it. See Laura's post in another thread for more info.
I noticed a program that came up twice today. It has to do with someone saying something that I find offensive or "wrong", even if only slightly. I get a strong instinct to say something that will point them to their behavior, show them I dislike it, or discuss it with them but I immediately stop myself and I start thinking of reasons why I shouldn't, like they'll think I'm an idiot for caring about what they do or say, or worse, they'll get angry at me. Usually I end up changing subjects or not saying anything. I used to have this a lot in my family and recently with my mother-in-law. Maybe it's just the tip of the iceberg of some other issue/ program but I find myself doing this a lot. Another clue is that it's mostly with people I perceive as some kind of authority or feel I have to be "nice" to. Maybe that's what it is, another branch of "Be nice".
eleusis
Jedi Master
I'm working on developing a more discerning objective observer status when it comes to emotions and programs. I've observed that as I observe I'm having a program that another self judgmental program is activated in order to program me into feeling guilty and ashamed that I have any programs at all. The self judgmental program says all programs are negative and I shouldn't be having them as I'm better or more spiritually advanced than this type of uncivilized thinking, feeling and behaving. The purpose of this program is so I will feel disappointed in myself for not being more loving, forgiving or intelligent enough to not be experiencing these lower emotions thereby opening the door to yet another program consisting of low self worth, depression and immobility.
Now though, through EE, reading and this forum, I'm truly starting to appreciate being able to recognize the reality that I have all these consciousness limiting programs in the first place. Programs remind me how mechanical and asleep I am. My programs reveal the complicated aspects of my false personality and how reactionary I am. My programs and programmed reality are motivating me to participate in the process of waking up, develop more sincerity and learn how to self remember because the programs themselves feel so shallow, selfish, vain, fearful and uncreative in nature. I guess I'm also just getting to the point where I'm so darn tired of pointing the finger at other people and how they are always doing something to me rather than figuring out and applying what I've learned to seriously act on my own behalf to heal myself of solipsism and sonambulism.
Now though, through EE, reading and this forum, I'm truly starting to appreciate being able to recognize the reality that I have all these consciousness limiting programs in the first place. Programs remind me how mechanical and asleep I am. My programs reveal the complicated aspects of my false personality and how reactionary I am. My programs and programmed reality are motivating me to participate in the process of waking up, develop more sincerity and learn how to self remember because the programs themselves feel so shallow, selfish, vain, fearful and uncreative in nature. I guess I'm also just getting to the point where I'm so darn tired of pointing the finger at other people and how they are always doing something to me rather than figuring out and applying what I've learned to seriously act on my own behalf to heal myself of solipsism and sonambulism.
hallowed said:
The gender of the person didn't matter really, but in any case it certainly did crystallize a strong desire to be able to fight my way out of any situation with words.
echo said:
Maybe that itch comes from feeling the need to challenge fallible authorities to ensure they are worthy of your deference or respect?
whitecoast said:
I think you may be right, and I've realized that it's not so much about "being nice", as being quiet or changing subjects isn't really a "nice" thing to do. It's closer to feeling disappointment with a person I was hoping would be "nice" and "good" (not in a religious sense but a human sense) and they turn out to have a vulgar and base sense of humor or just don't know what's "ok" and what's "not ok", and knowing that if you point that out to them they'll get mad at you. I'm still not sure, it's a tough one for me! Thanks for the input.
eleusis
Jedi Master
I have a very deep seeded program of anticipation. Growing up, like many here, with pathological parents, who also happened to be alcoholics, I was always hyper-conscious of my surroundings. I also had one psychopathic older brother as well. Since I was the youngest I always had to be the first in bed at night. I remember laying in bed listening intently and fearfully to all that was going on around me. I would pull the covers up for protection and wait while anticipating the extent of the threat. Some major disturbance was always happening and I developed the ability to listen two or three rooms over. I would also think heavily about the tones of voice as well. I would wonder how all these things were going to effect me and would I even have a home. Then my emotional response the next morning was to try to be good or to smooth things over, another program, with everyone as if it was my responsibility to make it better for them. I recall that much of my young life was inundated with anticipation, with the anxiety that anticipation causes, and with a tensing of the muscles of the body and brain which occurs along with a constant state of readiness to react. I'm writing briefly about this because anticipation is something which blocks the flow of creativity in me and stymies my ability to participate in and enjoy life to a fuller extent. Also, by writing this post I want to signal to myself that I'm prepared to move onto the next stage where other people are going to help me get to the guts of my mechanical reaction programs and to know and understand that the process is going to be difficult at times but well worth it in terms of learning who I am and who I'm not. Oh, and I don't want to anticipate what's going to happen next or fret about what my perception of someone's tone is as I realize if a tone disturbs me then I need to look at something which is causing me an emotional over-reaction.
ana
The Living Force
Hi joe seppe :)
It is pretty common that you ended prioritizing features of danger over the social ones after the traumatic events you describe. In this state you find yourself hyper-vigilant and so your attention is specifically directed to things like the tone of voice and gestures, you are constantly tuned to pick up the predator out there so to say, and doing your best to get assured that the situation doesn't turns out uncontrolable and dangerous again.
The main factor that help us engage in social interaction and enjoy opening up the possibilities for bonding and for creativity too, is the feeling of safeness.
Now, I think you are already doing a great job by stepping outside the "fear zone" interacting openly here and in seeing your results with EE it seems you are experiencing great changes and profound healing, so just go ahead.
If you want, I think you will benefit from reading In An Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine.
Here obyvatel offers a brief review so you can get started.
It is pretty common that you ended prioritizing features of danger over the social ones after the traumatic events you describe. In this state you find yourself hyper-vigilant and so your attention is specifically directed to things like the tone of voice and gestures, you are constantly tuned to pick up the predator out there so to say, and doing your best to get assured that the situation doesn't turns out uncontrolable and dangerous again.
The main factor that help us engage in social interaction and enjoy opening up the possibilities for bonding and for creativity too, is the feeling of safeness.
Now, I think you are already doing a great job by stepping outside the "fear zone" interacting openly here and in seeing your results with EE it seems you are experiencing great changes and profound healing, so just go ahead.
If you want, I think you will benefit from reading In An Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine.
Here obyvatel offers a brief review so you can get started.
eleusis
Jedi Master
Thank you so much Ana for your wisdom. I reread Obyvatel's post on the book In an Unspoken Voice and it is a must read for me. Feeling safe and safety has been a concern of mine from the get go. I had major neurosurgery when I was an infant and still have a scar that goes from ear to ear. I remember being in and out of military hospitals, not the warmest of places, and sometimes being left alone in rooms where no one would come in to check on you throughout the night. No comfort, just being stuck in a crib with all these scary shadows in the room and feeling so sad, helpless and frightened in an unfamiliar place. It's that child who is my responsibility to coach through what I'm doing now and why I'm doing it so that he's in comforted, informed and in the loop.
Today, I listen to my young child's grief and fears and I assure him that EE is doing so many beneficial things for us and one of the best has been to give us back this sense of what a family should be and how we can belong and be safe, yet challenged to grow, integrate and evolve. He needs a family. I also outline for him how the conditions of the old family didn't work and that he employed certain coping mechanisms in order to survive and how we were both denied the opportunity to fully develop an identity. Then, it's important that I introduce him to the new family here and how this healthy family functions. I let him know that this new family is built on learning about mechanical programs and cleaning one's machine, healing trauma, displaying kindness, exhibiting strength in the face of adversity, and applying knowledge. And, that this new family is composed of bright, dedicated and warm individuals who display such a high level of love that they won't always tell you what you want to hear but what you really do need to hear so that you can heal, learn responsibility and one day pass all this knowledge and experience on to someone else. In this way I build trust with him and strengthen him so when I go out into the world I'm strengthened too and I can function more clearly and confidently with far fewer buffers and coping mechanisms.
Today, I listen to my young child's grief and fears and I assure him that EE is doing so many beneficial things for us and one of the best has been to give us back this sense of what a family should be and how we can belong and be safe, yet challenged to grow, integrate and evolve. He needs a family. I also outline for him how the conditions of the old family didn't work and that he employed certain coping mechanisms in order to survive and how we were both denied the opportunity to fully develop an identity. Then, it's important that I introduce him to the new family here and how this healthy family functions. I let him know that this new family is built on learning about mechanical programs and cleaning one's machine, healing trauma, displaying kindness, exhibiting strength in the face of adversity, and applying knowledge. And, that this new family is composed of bright, dedicated and warm individuals who display such a high level of love that they won't always tell you what you want to hear but what you really do need to hear so that you can heal, learn responsibility and one day pass all this knowledge and experience on to someone else. In this way I build trust with him and strengthen him so when I go out into the world I'm strengthened too and I can function more clearly and confidently with far fewer buffers and coping mechanisms.
joe seppe said:
The description above is what I think this forum is, I had been learning in receiving this kind of love that I am not used to, and outside in the "real" world I tend to be suspicious when someone talk to me "nice", I had been thinking that the origin could be from an abuse experienced in junior high and later I make it bigger or more likely did not learn how to separate them and it went bigger. I did not told anyone until moths ago in this forum. Sometimes I am at lost as to what to do with it, or learn from it, or get angry or what.
I do have also this susceptibility or sensitivity to the tones of voices and corporal movements from people (most of them unconsciously) that I interpreted as being annoyed to other people and I tend to retract or act accordingly=that I may not being accepted. I need to accept that something similar had happend here in this forum, not being by the tone of voice but by the form and content from my posts. It is and it has been a process to accept whom I am and the process to find whom I am.
eleusis
Jedi Master
Dear Mabar, thank you for your response as you are helping me to learn and grow with you. That's what family is for. That's how I see you is as a friend, as family as a fellow intrepid explorer of who we are. I can also say that I hold great affection and love for you. I can say those words because the emotions exist within my heart and they are not something said to get you to say something back and they are not an emotional manipulation so that you or others on the forum won't scrutinize my mechanical programs. I simply let them flow out of me and onto this page. I'm not embarrassed to say those things either, and maybe it isn't always appropriate or externally considerate to be overly emotional, but EE has taught me an emotional intelligence and grace which is now starting to blossom within my words and my soul.
I was also out for much of the day today. But during my day I was excited to think about coming back here so I could respond to your post. That excitement, that sense of duty and responsibility to another forum member fills me with joy and can lift me out of whatever doldrums I may happen to be in. For the time being I'm pretty much a student here who has lots more reading to do so I know in my heart that there are others better suited to providing you with an objective view of your traumas and what spiritually, physically and emotionally ails you. What I can do is listen, thank you for listening to me and let you know that I'm grateful for a more intimate connection and communication. We're getting to know each other better and that's terrific.
I was also out for much of the day today. But during my day I was excited to think about coming back here so I could respond to your post. That excitement, that sense of duty and responsibility to another forum member fills me with joy and can lift me out of whatever doldrums I may happen to be in. For the time being I'm pretty much a student here who has lots more reading to do so I know in my heart that there are others better suited to providing you with an objective view of your traumas and what spiritually, physically and emotionally ails you. What I can do is listen, thank you for listening to me and let you know that I'm grateful for a more intimate connection and communication. We're getting to know each other better and that's terrific.
