What programs have YOU discovered?

[whitecoast]

I have negative introject, just like everyone who's psychologically damaged in some way. I remember when I was a child this voice that was always criticizing me in every way possible for not being cool enough, accepted enough, strong enough in all the ways society values someone. When I began to grope my way out of that swamp of secular values, and adopt less ponerized behaviors and standards to aspire to, the introject transformed into a harsh taskmaster. Its content changed, but the overall lines of force in its operation did not. So in spite of trying to be a better person I did not have the psychological knowledge or tools to heal it.

After finding spiritual paths that emphasized a scientific and psychological approach to cleansing the heart, epitomised by the type of research and self-work done here, I began to practice mental blocking on the negative introject. Just recently, I realized that the nature of the introject has changed again, and now seems to manifest mostly as a flashback or imagined scenario of arguing with someone in some shape or form. I remarked earlier on in this thread my rampant and uncontrolled thinking was spurred on by this assault I continued to find myself under as a child and teenager. There are sometimes exceptions where the introject resumes its internalized form, but often it still now appears to be far less internalized than it was. I.e, it now needs an imaginative or recalled sensory stimulus of myself being under attack in order to justify its existence in my mind.

Sure, I feel a lot of anger deep down still, and I realize these recollections and imaginings are fabrications of my unconscious in order to act out unresolved/frozen motor responses to perceived trauma and aggression. It's all babysteps, but I feel as if I'm starting to take concrete actions toward healing myself. :)

I know it's heard a million times over, but I owe so much to the sincere work and research and mutual aid that goes on here. Rock on all of you.

 

[Bluefyre]

Olesya and Jasmine, I have had such similar experiences and realizations and thank you for your posts.

I too broke contact with family members for 30 years. My mother and two of my siblings, one brother, one sister I am convinced are all psychopaths. My sister is a doctor and my brother is your garden variety wife beater/abuser.

My other sister, that I reconnected with 8 years ago is a full-blown narcissist. I let her trigger my rescue programs for some years before I could objectively see what was going on. She was never asking for help, she just wanted my energy and sympathy. I have been guilty for so much of my life of offering help when it was not wanted and paid a high price with the loss of my energy. She always plays the martyr and whines and complains but is unwilling or unable to make any changes in her life. She told me a few years ago that she hates her husband but stays with him "because of her children". Well now her children are grown and has now changed her story, telling me that she stays with him so she won't end up like me! I guess the thought of having to be responsible for herself is her worst nightmare? Similar to the experiences expressed, she starts of being polite and before long the envy and cutting remarks start. I live thousands of miles from all of my family members, by choice.

What a great way to express the idea that these family members are programs. They are/were in our lives to take our empathic natures, twist that and suck us dry until we learn our lessons and make different choices, choosing to learn, grow, apply knowledge and discover our destinies, instead of continually being food.

And I also must admit to mourning for the loss of what I never had. I would feel such sadness when I saw a child with a mother who loved them, paid attention to them, and "just" love them for themselves. Now it makes me smile to see such love and I am happy for each child I see receiving this kind of normal interaction. Mourning has its place, but as so beautifully put, it's time to start living, in the present and being of Use to DCM. And perhaps by gathering this knowledge of psychopathy, narcissism, the true nature of the world we find ourselves in and making different conscious choices IS being useful, adding knowledge to all that is.

I was listening to an SOTT Talk show recently where Joe said something to the effect that we aren't here to change the way the world is, but to see it objectively (can't remember his exact terminology). This also ties in, from my understand of what Laura has been saying for quite some time, that by wanting to fix the world, we are saying there is something that needs to be fixed. Observing this Great Mother as a schoolhouse frees me bit by bit from feeling the childhood wounding as ever being anything personal. Just as a cat has nothing personal against the mouse or bird it catches, tortures and eats, these people, whose family units we happened to be born into, and others that seems to come into our lives to attempt to thwart our growth, have nothing personal against us. We could be replaced by any empathic, caring human and they would be treated the same way.

I don't know if this makes sense, I'm still kind of sorting it out, but all I can say is, it is very freeing and very healing. Any obligation programs that I have to put up with abuse that never stops, just gets more subtle, because they're "family" seem to have lost their power to trigger responses. I had a brief conversation with the narcissistic sister at Caesar-mas, and felt the pull of wanting to be helpful, caught myself and had a brief, fluffy conversation. It was such a relief.

 

[furryfrog]

Embarrassment, I just realized it stems from my own self importance. If something needs to be done or is acceptable to ask, why should I be embarrassed? Like asking a girl to dance when I was a kid, or saying something that needs to be said.

 

[edgitarra]

I have a lot of programs. I can describe them by dividing them in two major points(some of the programs might be a mixture:
From the movement center/body
- beating the "kick drum" with my legs(it's an old one, but sometimes it shows up, it appears when i am interested in working on something)
- biting gentle my lip when i am focused on something
- when i read i tend to stay for some time in the lotus position(feels comfortable), but occasionally switching to other position like sitting with legs crossed(one above other).
- scratching my head when something doesn't feel right/ or when i am tired
- picking up my nose
- making a sad/frowing face when i smoke to prevent it entering in my eyes
- tend to open my mouth when i play the guitar and i rarely see it
- when sitting in bed or having a skype conversation i tend to move my toes like i would play the piano
- holding crossed hand in the chest when there is a discussion at work, or school( like i would be Mr. Proper the cleaning hero)
- snapping finger(old one, rarely do)
- rarely have hand shake when i play the guitar if there are too much people involved(used to have concerts in a band)

From the emotional center and intellectual center:
- Sellfish program(this is hard, let's that i am not so sellfish now, but what would i do in a difficult situation like a war period?)
- Shy with girls, maybe because i only had 1 relationship in my life, also because i was to stressed as a teenager having acneaa/zits
- Tendency to forget about the "illusion of transparency" and instead of being free to talk in front of a group, i talk always having in my mind that they might think i fail - exams, concert
- Negative introject - even though now it is better, i have the voice that criticizes what i do
- Self importance(because almost all my life i had this problem of not being given sufficient attention from the social world, and they would bully me)
- Tendency to joke to much sometimes
- Food craving(happens occasionally and i think it is a consequence of not having enough food in childhood(not the parents problem here, but my grandparents)
- Tendency to lose my face control before someone tries to tell me something, like i already got bad news(rarely)
- Fear of being homeless or losing my job(i had a trauma, when i first arrived in denmark with school, i didn't have a stable place, so i had to stay in weird places)
- Fear of dissapointing my parents
- Trying to correct/judge others behavior/lifestyle/opinions/beliefs in my mind(example a voice that says: "why do you eat bread my friend?..")
- "Be nice" - but i guess it is also part of external consideration; sometimes i don't feel like i want to be nice. but i am trying not to react mentally.
- Being right(old one, almost vanished in face2face discussions, still in the mind).
- Lazy, also a reason of why i procrastinate
- Night fear - there was something at the countryside back home, where my grandparents used to live that scared me. It is very difficult for me to go there and walk in garden/woods during night. Also because I watched too many horror movies when I was small and they made me doubt about what could be there in the night.
- Tendency to write as correct as possible here on the forum where I am still intimidated and afraid not to say something stupid that could kick me out of the forum(which i really enjoy, by the way)
- Speak before think program(this might come to and ending)
- Lying to myself(still do, but becoming more and more honest with myself)

There are others as well, but these ones represent the majority. Hope this is of help.

 

[sarek]

I've unearthed a few programs in myself.

The most obvious one was the righteous anger routine, displayed in my tendency to point out all that was wrong in the world without doing anything about it.

A second one was realising that I was not nearly as free from judging people as I had imagined myself to be. This discovery has caused me to do a rather fundamental self reset and a more pronounced tendency to keep second guessing my own conclusions.



The third discovery is the one that is perhaps most interesting. For some reason I have the tendency to short change myself. The rates I charge for my work are far too low, I am too lenient when people do not or can not pay, I am too easy with loaning money to people, I find it hard to say no to anyone.

I am in the process of figuring out what the underlying reason for this behaviour is. Its almost as if there is a subroutine within me that tells me that I need to "pay my way"
Having ADD has had a major impact on my life and I have often failed to meet expectations (mainly those of others that I let them impose on me). I have a suspicion that this is where the tendency to take the short straw comes from, as if I feel I have to pay back the world in some fashion.

But then again, thats conjecture and I could be dead wrong.

 

[Natievell]

My program was that I need a man. Also, that I was ugly because I wasn't blonde or white. I had a lot of troubles trying to find my soul mate.
At the end, I really don't need a relationship.

I was feeling with my thinking center, so I couldn't feel nothing for three years.

 

[fluxed]

Superstition is a program which i am learning to overcome.

It interferes with far too many decisions of humanity, to this day.

Did you know the ladder up against the wall is an Egyptian superstition,
and the ancient peoples regarded the shadow and ladder, as a pyramid?

Many superstitions are rooted in ancient Egypt.

http://psychiclibrary.com/beyondBooks/superstition-room

I trust superstition was the first framework to capture the human mind,
following all the good and natural frameworks we had developed while hunters
who formed strong bonds with the plant and animal kingdoms, by way of
imitating and observing - language-less science.

Those hunters could only have learned superstition from more developed beings.
Priest-magicians would then, infiltrate the minds of the hunter/gatherer.

Hieroglyphics allowed new concepts to be assoicated with symbols / writing.

If we read the hieroglyphs were see the origin of superstition - ra and the sun
being associated, amongst many other falsifications.[soil fertility and kings]

I now realize how much brain power was taken by superstition and notice
academia still maintains that the hunter was himself, naturally superstitious?

Where are the symbols in nature, which would have caused the hunter
to associate new concepts?

There are no such symbols in nature - only external beings could teach us
how to be superstitious.[ Thoth - the god of writing owns up to this role.]

 

[Iron]

I noticed that when I struggle against innapropriate sexual desires, I feel a cold sensation in my stomach. Sometimes, when the urge is too great the cold sensation overtakes my whole body. The climate can be warm, but for a few moments I may even shiver from cold.
If I succeed in resisting, the cold feeling dissapears instantly.

 

[crystalicdream]

Probably the biggest program that I have discovered in me is the program of self-pity, the thought that no matter what I do and how much, I will never be good enough. I also always had a very people-pleasing side to me since early childhood and didn't take criticism very well - it made me tear up on the spot. I was also extremly shy when younger and never spoke up.

I also know that I didn't like my mother very much. She has a narcissistic side to her - it's not over the top though and still to handle.
But, I never really felt loved, but expendable. I remember oftentimes wishing to just disappear from this world and wondering why I was even born into it. From time to time, even today, I wish for nonexistence for at least a few seconds, thinking that everyone would be better off with me dead.
I had a fantasy boyfriend in that time that I loved very much - I imagined I would be there with him every night before going to bed, and talking with him about everything that bothered me. I imagined him telling me that he loves me when I would almost never hear this from my own family.

So yes, the "I am unworthy and expendable"-program was stronger back then, but now it is not as strong as back then. Mostly because I have friends who knock some sense back into me whenever I fall into these self-pity episodes.
Other programs I have are:
- utter fear of ending up poor and totally without means
- fear of ending up alone in life
- Laziness and procastrination (but this is not so strongly anymore, I make it in time for deadlines now)
- letting myself be used by others (although this one is definitely coming to an end, because I have learned to be more skeptical of people and not trust them immediately)
- Lying to myself
- Sometimes, Negative Introjection also occurs, especially in my self-pity episodes
- fear of never finding the right partner. Now I see that there are things that are definitely more important than this.
- Need to be the hero: I adore being there for others, but it had gotten to the point that I liked them getting dependant on me.
- Being shaped into what others want me to be: This was the case with my former boyfriend, who accepted no other path in his life than the one the catholic church describes. He told me that it was the only way to God and got angry when I disagreed with him. He wanted to shape me into a Christian conforming woman, and for a time, I submitted to this, before I finally overcame this and went my own way.
- Not wanting to get touched yet desiring it: I cannot handle being hugged or touched for an extended period of time. I don't know how to handle intimacy, yet I crave and long for it. Maybe this has something to do with not being hugged much as a child?

 

[SadEyes]

- A program that likes to criticize heavily the people closest to me (romantic relationship partners)
- Not so much now-a-days, but a "look at me and acknowledge my looks or skills" program
- Irritability
- Laziness
- Procrastination
- A need to be right program
- An extreme desire to avoid any job/ career that will put me into the 9-5 grind
- At times, an extreme dislike of other people's mechanical habits (especially ones that affect me)
- A want to be saved program (hoping for the wave)

There are scores more, but most elude my mind at this present time

 

[Phill4]

Not sure if i put it all together correctly, I will try to explain this one..


Description: Subtle vector dynamic, unnoticeable.
[Term configuration refers to (1or more emotion connected to 1 or more thoughts, 1or more thoughts connected to 1or more emotions)]
Discovered the connection of:


Shame-Perfectionism connection Dynamic in crystalized thinking patterns.

--Thinking patterns crystalized in personality expression internal and external, r
-----Removal of emotional pressure through thought buffers
---------These buffers consisting in thought counfiguration and emotional configuration pride, worthlessness, self judgement, self pity
------------ultimately imbalance/blockage of the emotional center in certain areas.

Conclussion: Vector , mechanical response to subtle emotional information bypassing directly into thinking responses as to avoid emotional pressure, limitation of internal emotional understanding and inability to reach higher emotional connection with others at deeper levels, limitation of understanding of concepts wholly . this limitation of awareness is balanced wrongly with thinking dynamics, overworking the thinking center , which in turn leads to subtle errors of perception or understanding partially , mental tiredness.
(this refers to a more subtle process in the literal sense, the stronger center is the one in command in every expression, though all expressions of the self are actually little responses with less "magnetic" force than outside events or the stronger center at the time due to our lack of unity)

Example: shame goes to ( blank ) instead of shame goes to shame then prosesed then balanced.
anger goes to ( blank ) instead of anger goes to anger, experienced then balanced

Conection discovered: identification and identity , pride, other deep recently discovered dynamics. buffer-vector.


experimental, on-going work towards:
the process of conscious feeling and sensing of emotions by means of removing the thought buffers of immediate response, patience..
observation of the behavior of every buffer (origin, connection and open to what may arise),
reintegration by means of finding emotional balance - through self acceptance in the area of shame-perfectionism- patience..,
along with experimental emotional study towards finding the corresponding opposite and therefore balancing emotion of every other emotion.
Work towards the careful observation of the hierarchy of every corresponding emotion with every corresponding configuration for the purpose of increasing awareness of the self and hidden dynamics
Gathering of knowledge of the emotion-human body, thought-human body relationship
careful sorting out of memories associated.

Patience thoughtout the process.....



allowing yourself to feel truly.

 

[lilies]

1.
Morning right after wake up [the Predator I's collective] collecting memory images of:
- 1st half of Life failures,
- embarrassments,
- inconvenient situations
tightly attached the shameful feelings of guilt and anger over screwing ups to maximize energy extraction of the freshly charged up individual.

2.
Forcing me to re-live or completely conjure up imaginary Drama Life situations with anger, frustration, gnashing of teeth and going-living through as many negative emotion types in my mind as possible.

3.
Animated scenes / images about hated persons manifestations pushed into my mind during the day so I can rage, swear and grumble about them in my mind and swear aloud a little giving up energy and possibility to convert it to Work-Force.

4. At wake-up projections [from nowhere] of making love images from 1st half of Life same with imaginary partners, personal crushes on other people used to try to gobble up sexual energy.

5. Hollywood Movie PTSD next day due to carefully sewed in psychopathic elements by the film makers and actors. Using these as hooks to extract energy by pushing me to become the protagonist and "What would I have done in place of the movie actor?", Savior Knight in Shiny Armor images, etc..

If this doesn't work, immediately sophisticated and entirely different Advanced Programs are injected into my daily thinking to extract life force by sneaky, new subversive means.

I'm writing all this as part of the discovery following my recent so far deepest experience of Emotional Bankruptcy In Face of Directly Threatening Adversity and instantly contrasting those attacks with my Life Goals [Magnum Opus] and what other serious things I wanna achieve and immediately acknowledging that I have to tighten my girdle more and work a lot harder. As a result I consciously switched to "Wartime High Alert"-status. Fending off most of above attacks, evading the flow of these Predatory thoughts and knocking off identifications with Predator Induced Drama in my mind.

The result is The Taste [Nicoll] of the peculiar flow of the sewage-I's-thoughts and a surprising new discovery of stability, having gained ++work ethics, more energy for sober thinking. I recently began to wonder why I almost immediately started to experience benefits of donning Warrior Armor and guard the [newly] Strictly Disciplined Purity of my thoughts redirecting almost everything to work, Work and achieving my goals.

Speculation:
The suddenness and strength of this change made me stop and think about it. Because having not long enough experience with this new state I can only guess weakly and speculate a little that during meditation I might have invited an (a) angelic walk-in [at least one 'onion layer' of that] (b) called in a stronger part of my Soul that was hovering still waiting for this exact development. Just thinking 'aloud' because the changes in my psyche are so radical regards mental discipline and protection.

*So far I only knew weakness and giving up, desperation, my undependability ~ impotence regards Work and all kinds of vanities and weaknesses pulling my horse-cart to dozens of directions and resulting poor work performance, weak concentration.. So imagine all above * turned upside down and couple of days ago I realized something serious happened.

 

[Cleo]

I noticed a ‘make nice’ program the other day I'd like to share. To try and make this short, I was out to dinner with my cousin and his friend. At one point, his friend makes a vulgar joke partly directed at me for whatever reason. I’m caught off guard and angry about it but try not to let it get to me. Go on to spend a couple more hours with them, and finally once I’m out of their presence..big surprise!...I feel angry again!

Actually, as soon as I heard that this particular friend was in town and visiting my cousin…I thought about changing my plans and telling him I couldn’t hang out. Or atleast, telling him to find his own way to the restaurant. But…I talked myself out of it. My cousin asked if we could all drive together to the restaurant and I didn’t want to be rude and say no etc..

They both have really dry humor, and when together it can be crude-the friends a lot moreso-as if they enjoy the shock value of it, putting people on the spot with it.

I've been avoiding for awhile telling my cousin how his humor makes me uncomfortable at times (more evidence of ‘make nice’). About time I do.

 

[Glenn]

I noticed a ‘make nice’ program the other day I'd like to share. To try and make this short, I was out to dinner with my cousin and his friend. At one point, his friend makes a vulgar joke partly directed at me for whatever reason. I’m caught off guard and angry about it but try not to let it get to me. Go on to spend a couple more hours with them, and finally once I’m out of their presence..big surprise!...I feel angry again!

Actually, as soon as I heard that this particular friend was in town and visiting my cousin…I thought about changing my plans and telling him I couldn’t hang out. Or atleast, telling him to find his own way to the restaurant. But…I talked myself out of it. My cousin asked if we could all drive together to the restaurant and I didn’t want to be rude and say no etc..

They both have really dry humor, and when together it can be crude-the friends a lot moreso-as if they enjoy the shock value of it, putting people on the spot with it.

I've been avoiding for awhile telling my cousin how his humor makes me uncomfortable at times (more evidence of ‘make nice’). About time I do.

Wow Cleo, I can really relate to this kind of situation. Been there many times in the past.

What you described, really seems to relate to what Laura discovered as related in The Wave, when she was observing the young students gathering after class, and seeing quite clearly that some students were feeding off the energy of other students. Looking back, I can see that that is probably what was happening when I found myself in those type of situations. It does seem that if you are aware of what is happening, you don't fall into their trap so much. For me, if I am aware of people like that now, I will as a preference just avoid them. (I saw where you were thinking of doing that). And if that can't be avoided, I will try to do something, or say something that will short circuit their energy sucking. This is where you need some practice, but just saying something like you don't like a comment, or their attitude, or something of that nature. I go in with the thinking, if they don't like me, or don't want to associate with me, what have I lost. In fact, I see it as a gain. And I allow them to distance from me, rather than the other way around. Now I am just talking generally as I don't know the entire dynamics of your situation, but just putting some thoughts out there. I really struggled with the 'be nice' syndrome, and never really dealt with it until I found the resources of this forum. Good Luck...

 

[Cleo]

Wow Cleo, I can really relate to this kind of situation. Been there many times in the past.

What you described, really seems to relate to what Laura discovered as related in The Wave, when she was observing the young students gathering after class, and seeing quite clearly that some students were feeding off the energy of other students. Looking back, I can see that that is probably what was happening when I found myself in those type of situations. It does seem that if you are aware of what is happening, you don't fall into their trap so much. For me, if I am aware of people like that now, I will as a preference just avoid them. (I saw where you were thinking of doing that). And if that can't be avoided, I will try to do something, or say something that will short circuit their energy sucking. This is where you need some practice, but just saying something like you don't like a comment, or their attitude, or something of that nature. I go in with the thinking, if they don't like me, or don't want to associate with me, what have I lost. In fact, I see it as a gain. And I allow them to distance from me, rather than the other way around. Now I am just talking generally as I don't know the entire dynamics of your situation, but just putting some thoughts out there. I really struggled with the 'be nice' syndrome, and never really dealt with it until I found the resources of this forum. Good Luck...

Hi, I think I'll read that passage again from the Wave series you mentioned..would be interesting to read again in light of everything.

I plan to talk to my cousin about his humor next time I visit and will avoid that friend of his from now on. Even though it's not surprising, I find it interesting that I didn't feel the anger again till almost right after they were dropped off at the next place they were going to. Almost as if I had to be out of their field of influence to realize it.

Also, it does seem to really help to share about the program here. Wonder if others have really noticed this as well, that after sharing here about the programs they've noticed..they are that much more alert to them when they start to run?