This has been sitting in the drafts section for a little while but have been peeling at myriad layers of programs... very interesting things cropping up.
One of the major things that caught my attention was taking things at face value - in a somewhat materialistic way. That is, wanting things to reach completion, or my needs to be met, instantaneously & accurately... or perfectly, exactly as I envisioned yet in an extremely rigid, one-track mind manner which causes impatience & emotional impudence. It is by & large black & white, extremist all or nothing thinking, or some manifestation of splitting - if I saw others who I thought "looked" or "sounded" happy/good/ideal, then I'd start thinking that everything must be perfect for them.
For example, if whilst sat on a bus I saw someone who according to perception had something that I, in that moment, deceive myself could make me happy/I didn't agree with - an instantaneous reaction would be towards one extreme or the other. Similar to what the phenomena of WYSIATI (what you see is all there is) as explained in the book
Thinking, Fast and Slow, my mind before seemed incapable of perceiving that whatever I was seeing wasn't the big picture.
In other words, it doesn't take into account the process - how they got to where they are, their associations or beliefs... a judgement is reached based on exterior postulations without taking context into consideration. A form of internal considering osit.
Another example is clothes or money, or possessions/values in a generic sense. I used to have trouble giving up material possessions, or throwing anything away, "just in case" I needed it at some future convenience. Being overwhelmed by what is visually, & via other sensory modals, or aesthetically present that whatever was in my mind before is virtually not extant. So maybe difficulties in discerning psychological reality in the outer world? As if it passes over my head completely that things take place in procession, or progression (i.e. mental activity takes place faster than physical activity, so when things don't "happen" as fast on the physical level, I'd get perplexed because it ran pretty smoothly mentally - didn't take into account glitches I guess haha), that others aren't internally similar &/or that "acting as if" doesn't then (necessarily) automatically become so or translate to "real".
Addressing wrong causes to certain effects, one of the ways the brain tries to deal with incomprehensible matters. Then there was "thinking things had to be a certain way" (think OCD & you're pretty warm) - not that I had rituals, I just stuck to same old ways or, when I did do something new, it was radically different enough to intrigue me to at the "wanting things to reach completion instantaneously & accurately/perfectly" in accordance with what was held in high regard momentarily. The internal attitude remained the same regardless.
It usually becomes worse when I feel isolated - it was rare for me to intersperse when fixated on getting this one thing done as imagined & it wasn't typically something I would moot due to past experiences of trying to do so. I feel like a lot of my speech (verbal) is automatic, soaked up osmotically or diffusely through movies, hearing others from a peripheral standpoint & fails ostensibly at portraying how I feel or what's going on inside, if I could find the words myself to depict them - inappropriate or disproportional judgement of the weight of my words or actions.
Say, in the past, whatever was going on inside would come out, but I was as blind as a bat to its occurrence hence incapable of discerning - if angry/emotional, it came out in my voice, but I wouldn't be aware of "reacting" per se unless someone else pointed such out to me. That's if I knew I was angry/emotional to begin with..?
Then there's the realisation of how pathological my mother's view of reality is as significant change occurred for me [not exclusively me but how that was experienced by others differed] physically, mentally & emotionally when my dad left in a state of depression &, after severe initial resistance, she became an authority figure... or THE authority figure in my life.
Clinging onto things might be related to a history of poverty yet there's more to it than that. There is quite a bit I could say on all of this; been lackadaisical with writing (journal & generally) recently due to change, rolling & tumbling & time. Main things are more or less covered.
Jasmine said:
After reuniting, and 5 months of constant contact, ie, daily phone calls lasting hours and six in-person visits lasting between four through ten day periods, true colors started shining through. I realized from my current studies into psychopathic and narcissistic pathology I was dealing with a psychopath (my mother) and a narcissist (my sister). I can tick every box for both of them. As a child, my mother had distinctly defined my personality as abnormal and did her best to label me with many undesirable character traits, a burden I carried throughout childhood. Although not brutal, the day to day life was what you'd expect of living under the same roof with a psychopath. She installed plenty of fears about myself, and life in general, including creating dissension among all of my siblings. When recently she started again slowly trying to convince me that I was the same little girl with those terrible personality flaws she had defined years ago, is when I took a step back and started to analyze the situation. Especially in light of the fact that I had given her no reason at all to come to those conclusions. To the contrary, I was in the process of helping her financially, emotionally, physically and in anyway that I could. I was thrilled to be in contact with her again. My communication was open, positive, loving & kind. I took time to express my love for her in the way of poems and many other ways expressing my love for her and making up for lost time. Never did I give her a reason to be unhappy with me. On her own account, she couldn't hold back her pathological behavior any more. She apparently saw me as a great empathy candidate and started to spin her web. When she started belittling me and bringing up those fallacies she created for me years ago, it was glaringly obvious to me she was wrong, and not only wrong but was purposely trying to manipulate and deceive me. It was then that I realized what I had experienced as a child was wrong. It turns out, there was good reason why I left home when I did. Through my work on myself throughout the years I had not only released those ingrained fallacies from childhood, I have released most of my "real" bad traits and worked through all my many lessons in life up to this point. This, with my new exploration into Psychopathy & Narcissism, I was able to put the pieces together. After putting this together I was easily able to lay to rest the doubts I was having about my sister.
What I discovered is that my mother was a program put in place to block and hinder my spiritual growth.
I was then able to terminate that program with the same visualization method that I use to terminate any/all programs that I find in my life.
What you've written above Jasmine is very similar to my experiences with my own mother.
A few times I ran away from home. Even when I was living here I couldn't stay here for more than however many nights a week (would stay out late, over a friend's etc.) because it was unbearable. She had done something similar to other people in life no doubt but it wasn't something I couldn't see as she was always trying to vector people onto her side of the field.
With more information/passing time, more evidence pointing to serious deformities, it is getting harder to convince myself that my mother isn't much more than a "narcissistic mother". If I hadn't had the chance to get away from her for an extended period of time & then move out subsequent to that, I'm not sure whether I'd be alive - which just emphasises the importance of awareness/knowledge on the topic.
This is love, Real Love! And I hope this process of continuos learning is well on it way.
