Depression As A Stepping Stone (to Soul Growth)


The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Re: The First Victory. Comments on LKJ's \

Hi Manuel
It can be found through a web archive as the page is no longer there


FOTCM Member
Re: The First Victory. Comments on LKJ's

Thanks for finding it. I think I'll reproduce it in the Cass Experiment section for ease of finding and reading in future.


FOTCM Member
Depression as a Stepping Stone?

There have been many responses to the following Essay from a member of the QFS, H.S., both from other members of QFS, as well as from the general readers of the site. They are posted following the original essay, along with additional commentary.

For some reason, depression has been on my mind recently...if not thoroughly imbuing it... or is it melancholy...

I awaken every day and head to the computer to check the headlines. It is also the last thing I do before getting to bed. I get to bed late enough to be able to check the headlines in the European news for the "next day".

I read what is going on. It sinks in, a bit more each day...the horror of it all. I remember Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, "the Horror, the Horror..." surrounded by the dead.

I, too, am surrounded by the dead, the dead of Christmas past: Afghanis mutilated and killed by the cluster bombs dropped by American war planes and pilots on speed -- that must be some rush --, women maimed by the Taliban while they were still the "good guys"; the dead of Christmas present: Iraqi children starving to death, dying because of disease that can't be treated for lack of medicine, or born horribly deformed because of the depleted uranium left over from the George the First; the dead of Christmas past, present and future: Ethiopians starving in a famine while happy and mindless Americans, Canadians, and Western Europeans celebrate Christmas, the rebirth each year of the offspring of the consumer God. How many more years will we allow this god to be reborn!

Well, we know the answer to that one unfortunately. This is their world, this is the world of the fallen or of the yet to rise. But talk about "falling" and "rising", and you'll get glazed eyes or jokes about Viagra....

The dead are not only in Iraq or Afghanistan, they are here, doing their Christmas shopping and filling their stockings with gas on their way home from the mall. "I see dead people."

I was discussing this with a friend last night, a friend who recently started therapy for his "depression". His therapist told him that "studies" have shown that it is people who are depressed who have the more realistic view of the world. Those who bounce along the highway of life feeling bright and cheery, according to these studies, live in little SUVs of happiness, protected by their refusal to think about things like war, famine, injustice, etc. They refuse to acknowledge the existence of these things, and so they are able to live happy and "normal" lives.... they don't even need to send Love and Light out to this stuff because it isn't even on the radar.

I don't know what these studies are, but the results reminded me of a conversation I recently had with my mother. I mentioned in a message a few months ago that I had been on anti-depression drugs for three years. After stopping them, I found the C's site and everyone here knows the changes that can bring into one's life.

So now my mother is linking this new activity of mine to the fact I am no longer on the meds. No surprise there, except that my mother is a very strong, intelligent individual who has had a lifelong horror of drugs and the Bush family -- but she has bought into the propaganda that depression is a disease that can be cured by a pill.

Brave New World has arrived, but even intelligent and concerned people like my mother don't see it. Kind of like the fundamentalists that don't see that Revelations is happening before their very eyes because they could never imagine that the US is the "beast". The US as Bad Guy...what a "gotcha". Fiendishly clever, but only if you live there... From anywhere else it is a plain as the smirk on Dubya's face...."We'll photocopy those documents for you, sure..."

Thinking about this made me wonder if "depression" and the chemical shift it creates in the brain might not be nature's way of telling us something is wrong OUT THERE and needs to be changed. This subsequent action to intervene in the world might be what reestablishes the balance of the chemicals in your system. But we know that we can't change "out there" what can we do?

Find the exit, work our way out, do everything in our power to get the hell out of here so that we don't end up as part of the next service of lizzie fare...another 309,000 years of the same old same old, blood, sweat and tears, torture, famine and rich, white people... Can you imagine doing this all over again and coming back here, to this moment, to George W. Bush mouthing slogans about freedom as he enacts enslaving legislation and finds new ways to siphon money from the poor into the bank accounts of arms manufacturers, while making plans to slaughter Iraqi civilians in order to secure the oil fields and prepare phase two -- the destruction of Israel and Palestine? What did Santa give you for Christmas? "Material breach...the BEST GIFT I ever got! GOSH! Thanks, Dad."

Is there anything more important than GETTING OUT?

And the more you see it, the further disenfranchised you feel, the further removed from the walking dead, the more alone. The C's have said that Nazi Germany was the test run... and it seems that they meant it. No joke. The Real Thing. Over a billion served.

I still find it hard to believe even as I see it happening before my eyes. And it IS HAPPENING before me, every day another brick in the wall. A nice high wall to protect ourselves, our prison....oops, our defence against godless terrorists everywhere. Merry Christmas.

Responses to H.S.'s Essay

From R.S., QFS:

Yes, I feel the same.!

It is absolutely INFURIATING to hear the 'small talk' going on around me and the totally unaware vacuous stares you get if you even mention anything of real importance to most people - even your family and some of your close friends and acquaintances.

I think it is going to have to get a WHOLE LOT worse before the majority of people begin to see even a glimmer of what is going on around them. Of course, by then it will have been waaaayyy too late for anything at all to be done about it all. I can foresee plenty of whining, complaining and worrying about it then! And, perhaps some moans and screams from the tortured and dying.

I heard on a couple of radio talk shows today various interviews and comments by hosts mentioning the 'inevitability' of attack on Iraq, and how in the last few days, even some of the holdout countries were getting into agreement with the US about the 'need' to do something about Iraq and Saddam. I said a few months ago that I felt it was going to be 'inevitable' that the US would attack Iraq. The only things missing were the excuses for the attack. Apparently they feel they have provided enough of those to the masses to assuage public decency and have swayed the minds of the commoners to relish a bloodbath on a 'despicable' enemy nation which desires our extinction.

As you say, H**, this is only the start of a slide down into the pit of STS blood lust. So few have any idea what they are letting us all get in to.

From B.W., QFS:

yep! every day i remember that i'm alone (in my physical life at least), that the things and people (and myself) i once thought i knew.....nothing is what it seemed. you know the story.

here in australia, most people i know think that america/bush/etc is 'bad', but they still don't think it applies to all of us.."it's nothing to do with us..why do you care about it so much?". even though they can see through the massively unsubtle lies which seem to abound now, the subtle twists of truth inserted everywhere still get 'em. or so it seems to me.

anyway, all of this only ends up helping me to solidify my resolve and do work on myself. when i remember i'm "alone" i begin to see things from a "higher" perspective because the REAL I is not the b. w. that has been built up since i was born.

i was thinking: take away all the programs from a computer and there is just the electricity. underneath all our programs is our Will (in the sense Don Juan used the word "will"). and i sort of think it's feeling the loss of all the programs that makes me feel a bit sad.

From S.C., QFS:

The answer is "yes" and......Just a think, from Don Juan and "Journey to Ixtlan":

"There is something you ought to be aware of by now. I call it the cubic centimeter of chance. All of us, whether or not we are warriors, have a cubic centimeter of chance that pops out in front of our eyes from time to time. The difference between an average man and a warrior is that the warrior is aware of this, and one of his tasks is to be alert, deliberately waiting, so that when his cubic centimeter pops out he has the necessary speed, the prowess to pick it up.

"Chance, good luck, personal power, or whatever you may call it, is a peculiar state of affairs. It is like a very small stick that comes out in front of us and invites us to pluck it. Usually we are too busy, or too preoccupied, or just too stupid and lazy to realize that that is our cubic centimeter of luck. A warrior, on the other hand, is always alert and tight and has the spring, the gumption necessary to grab it."

From T.T., QFS:

Thank you for posting this thread. When I read your letter I felt like you were reading my mind. I usually get quite melancholy around Christmas time but this year has been the worst yet. All month I've been at a loss to express the sorrow that seems to ride with me wherever I go. People come in to work and are so happy and wishing each other a merry Christmas, and sometimes it takes all I can muster to refrain from saying something like ... "Don't you read the newspapers?... Can't you see that we're at the verge of a world war?... How can you celebrate with all the awful things that are happening?" I bite my tongue, smile and return their greetings.

Just tonight I was over at my mom's house eating pizza with everyone and this feeling of gloom and utter despair came upon me that I could barely swallow my food. As I observed my family around me, all talking and laughing, and inside I was chastising myself for being selfish for not being able to enjoy the lightness and joy of this simple gathering.

After reading your thoughts tonight on depression I'm getting the sense that my feelings are perhaps a reflection of my growing ability to accurately assess the true nature of the reality we are living in. or so I think...

From Z.H., QFS:

It's all true, H**, every word of what you wrote. It's sad, and infuriating, and frustrating, and it's one more thing that will eat us alive if we let it.

You know what else? So be it. We are doing what we can, and if the world makes this choice anyway, so be it. "The poor you will always have with you." Not just poor in money, but poor in mind and poor in spirit. What would be really depressing is if we were still living in that state too.

From S.F., QFS:

I feel like this every - single - day.

When I was about 28 years old, my former husband's cousin died in his bed one night at the age of 24. He had traveled to his parents house to spend Christmas with them. He said good night, went to bed and never woke up. He had been married only 4 months. His bride was sleeping beside him when he died.

His mother, who adored him, became very depressed after his death. A few months later, she went to see a psychiatrist at the urging of her husband. The psychiatrist tried to talk her into taking antidepressants. She refused to take them and, as she related in her story to me, she patiently explained to him that it is natural for a mother to feel profound sadness at the loss of a son so early in his life. She explained to the psychiatrist that it is natural to respond to grief and shock with depression. She explained to the psychiatrist that what is unnatural, is that this experience would have no effect on her whatsoever.

She was laughing when she told me this story, because she was really telling me that with the death of her son, she had learned that everything in the world is sometimes completely upside down like Alice in Wonderland and that the psychiatrist was not willing to accept this.

She told me that as the years passed, she did achieve a semblance of acceptance regarding this experience which nothing can possibly prepare you for. She said she doesn't know exactly when the depression lifted - only that it did.

I think of her story often lately, as a reminder to myself that my own response is probably natural - under the circumstances. Everything does seem to be upside down and backwards. I frequently *feel* like I just haven't had enough time to prepare for the truth of it all. I do have many days when I don't want to know any more about the *really big show* that is presented for my viewing pleasure. Sometimes, I laugh out loud and I'm sure that if anyone heard me, they would think I'm as deranged as John Nash. :-) I also feel like I am experiencing one reality and the world at large is experiencing another completely different reality. The world at large doesn't have a clue about my reality... and I know all about theirs.

It will not *always* be so H**. Always - is a very long time and for us, the time for change is drawing near. Winter is almost here and everything that appears so alive will appear dead.

Then, spring will arrive and the snow and ice will melt and something new will grow.

I care a lot about how you feel. I care that it matters so much to you. I care that you have the courage to share your thoughts and your feelings here with us. Be patient and strong. You are not alone.

From M., QFS:

"I feel like this every - single - day."

And so do I.

My world is split to mornings and evenings. In the mornings, I get up and take care of my daughter. Almost every day, we have things to do and places to go: stores, playdates, storytime in the library, parent/child class, playgroups, doctor's appointments, whatever. I go through it all as in a dream. The sight of the almost empty roads in sunny and peaceful mornings, when the stores just start opening, is the worst. It's too normal and because of that, unreal. It's unreal that people can go about their daily business as if nothing out of the ordinary happens here at home and in the world.

Small talk with other moms is especially weird. I feel as if I have a whole different face to display on those occasions. And every time, I come home baffled at the things discussed ('what I'll make for dinner', 'what we did last weekend', 'what has so-and-so been up to', 'look what I bought for him and her', 'did you see that movie?' ) could possibly constitute someone's chief interest and, in the end, someone's life. And every day, I keep on looking into their eyes, and there's nothing there besides what we talk about -- nothing. I used to pitch a few sentences once in a while, but gave up after getting blank stares.

In the afternoon, my daughter takes a nap, and I have been doing the same thing recently, to recharge myself a bit in my last trimester of pregnancy. Then, my husband comes, and I finally wake up. Now, we can talk about happenings, brainstorm things, discuss family issues in a meaningful way that's conducive to learning; then, my Internet time comes. However, when everything is thus brought into focus, the pain is just as sharp and strong as was the morning feeling of remote disconnection.

Thinking that I am soon bringing another soul and another life into this world, makes me very sad. I don't regret this by any means. It's just that when my husband says things like 'we should be putting aside this much for kid's college education', or 'in a few years may be we can do this and that', I get chills down my spine when I realize we may not have those few years, and even if we do, what will happen is completely unpredictable. The same split b/w morning and evening, b/w normal and real.

And to hear all these people saying 'Oh, when is your baby due? How wonderful! ARE YOU EXCITED??' ... a strange word to choose, 'excited', I am afraid I am anything but 'excited' at this time.

When I mentioned to a friend my low energy and a feeling of sadness about the state of the world, she responded with 'you know, when I feel blue, I just go out ... or fix myself a cup of coffee ... perhaps coffee may be good for you too!'

Well, at least she didn't suggest prozac :) But the approach is still, symptoms of depression is something that needs to be fixed, by external means, and quick, so that we can go on and enjoy our lives.

Personally, I have always been in depression, since I was 8 or 9 y.o. Or rather, I felt pangs of sadness for some reasons or for no apparent reasons, and thought that I am depressed. Sometimes it would get pretty bad, like in my teens or when I started grad school. And I did two things: either reveled in it, showing off to the world, or, later, took proactive approach and 'fixed' by looking for a reason, and thinking what it all means. I also supported the process by taking up exercise, going for trips etc. But, even when I thought I was really going into the root of the problem (like when I made a decision to leave grad school), I was still 'fixing' it.

What I realized after taking my hypnosis class, and especially after joining the Quantum Future School is that this 'depression' is just the way I am, period. And there is nothing wrong or abnormal in that. It's simply pain that comes from seeing stuff, or from a vague and yet unproved feeling that life is more than popcorn on the porch. It doesn't need to be fixed and probably can't be.

I tried to explain this to my friend. I don't believe she fully got it. She continues to amaze me with her genuine joy of life and her appreciation of its simple pleasures. Just listening to her talking about a chocolate cake she is making for family Christmas dinner would make anyone feel as if they are experiencing the whole thing, the taste of the cake and the warmth of the family gathering.

I don't have that joy of life, and never did. But may be, now that I know it's OK to be sad, I could benefit from learning how to laugh and be happy again. Not about a chocolate cake and a Christmas celebration, but about the joys of our painful lessons, and the 'cosmic humor' or our situation???

From K.S., QFS:

I remember Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, "the Horror, the Horror..." surrounded by the dead.

This line in the movie resonated totally with me, too, as it was a spoken, outward affirmation of my innermost feelings about the reality of the "beast." Of course, I did not have the biblical associations at that time to name it "beast" and thought of it as the "U.S." or the "Center of Monopoly Capitalism" at the time. But "beast" is what it is.

All of this has been so all along... (In our present focus of this big time loop, anyway.) It is only now becoming so overt that it will be plain for any "with eyes to see." And this actually makes it easier to bear for me. No more "wishful thinking" that just this one more piece of evidence will break down the block and someone will "see." Now is the time that we cannot be sidetracked by our 'projecting outward' desire to "help others" because it is becoming plain, imo, that our inner work, in whatever active form that takes for any individual, of exposing the predator and fusing the centers is THE focus. No more projecting it outward. Or at least it is for me, based on where I have "come from." Of course this does not mean NOT "helping" others when asked. Just the STS impulse to use the smoke and mirrors of projection to obfuscate our own predicament!

For some reason, a signature quote that somebody has on another list came to my mind while reading your post. It is: "Life is a comedy to those that think; a tragedy for those who feel." ~~ Horace Walpole.

And, although it is probably speaking about the lower intellectual and emotional centers anyway, it reminded me that we are working to neutralize these centers, so as to fuse them into a greater "vessel." Which is very hard work.

Interestingly, I received an email from my sister yesterday urging me to persuade our mother to go on some new antidepressant. She wrote:

"Mom was sounding so much better on prozac. I was trying to tell her about a new & improved SSRI called Lexapro but she's too depressed to listen. The dose is smaller and doesn't have the side effects or as much burn out. She's basically incapacitated at this point. I'm not sure if she is physically ill, but I tend to think it comes from her loneliness and depression. Since she's alienated most of her family there's not much that can be done about her loneliness, so drugs are the only solution! See if you can get her to try a new antidepressant."

In other words, shut her up and make her go away!!

I, too, was on prozac for 3 years. I started it because I was facing death. And death seemed to me at the time as the escape (not overtly "self-inflicted," I should add) from it all... I chose prozac and life, for a time. But realized after the "crisis" had passed that I could not face the demons in my life unless I stopped taking it. So I did. And, sure enough, the death threats materialized for me to face in the form of "another." And I met it "head on" in that form.

Since I have been depressive most all of this lifetime because of the brutal nature of this "reality," I am still working on truly neutralizing. And this is the material through which it is forged. And my lifelong program of feeling depressed now appears to me (when I can truly "watch" it) as one of the major hooks holding me here now. Maybe at a certain point, the "emotional tool" of depression, which is an indicator to us that we are "seeing," is no longer necessary and must be let go. So that we can unattach to this STS reality.

The only way out is to learn the lessons which began with desire... I know I do not choose this any longer. Almost no illusions left... OSIT right now. ;-) The predator within is ever-active, ever-watchful... Just waiting to interject a new "happy hook" to this STS reality. Thanks for sharing yourself with us.

From K.S., QFS:

You bet. We all see it in our own way H**. I never followed politics too much since I have always known that it was all a sack of lies but I'm nearly overwhelmed by the walking corpses I see around me at times. It quite literally seems like the movie 'Night Of The Living Dead'. Its even realistic down to the feeding frenzies. At times it gets a little better and I begin to think it is all in my imagination. But I keep getting slammed in the face regarding this stark reality. People live without meaning. There is no life in their life. Life has no meaning for the them. They build an opaque shell around themselves and they call this shell their life. They even paint these shells in pretty colors so it looks alive. But its empty inside. It only looks alive. And if you have a shell that is becoming transparent and is not painted with the pretty Day-Glo colors like theirs then they say you have no life even though inside your translucent shell something is growing because light could shine through.

For a good part of this year I have not even turned on a TV (I couldn't anyway since I don't have one anymore). So what I do before going to work is study and watch people very closely. Now I know exactly why G. liked to write his books sitting in Cafe's. He liked to watch people as he wrote. I find that studying these ideas while observing people greatly enhances my awareness. It may have something to do with not identifying with them while observing them. It increases my awareness which helps me to "see" the ideas better.

From my observations I can see the awesome power of the group mind. It's power is truly mindboggling. It's hypnotic when there is a alignment of minds in the group mind. We normally don't notice this when there is a force vector nullification in the group mind where everyone is doing their own thing and there is no significant magnetic alignment. But these days I notice that groups of people are sometime under "hypnotic spells." It's truly frightening of the negative potential of this. I truly believe that there are no depths to which people will not go if the group mind goes that way. Its like people are powerless to do otherwise when they are under the influence of these hypnotic spells. This is what I'm seeing right now.

One of the problems H**, is people can live their delusions so convincingly, with such conviction and with such confidence that it can become quite intimidating. [With this work, the difficulty is] that you have no "real reality" to "hang your hat on," so to speak. Your depression may be related to this. Then (I'm guessing here), people begin to say with supreme conviction that its all in you and has nothing to do with what is "out there." Now you think its in you and this creates an alignment "out there" where everyone sees in you what you now believe to be "in yourself." Now this alignment solidifies and fixates the depression and you become the prisoner of this created reality because now it has developed a 'life' of its own by sapping your life force. This is just my guess.

Anyway I know exactly what you mean when you say this Website is changing things. Its not the Website but rather its the truth expressed in it that has such power. So at least you now have a reality to hang your hat on. The point is to make this reality stronger then the influences of the delusional reality around us and then live this reality. I would call this Faith.

From B.L., QFS:

I think this is a complicated topic, this depression and I think it takes many guises - one being an internal, 'strangeness-sadness' that takes place after reading and thinking and dreaming about the material here - for me, sadness for my daughter - family and all, perhaps due to the 'truth' of what is shattered from what I learn(ed). And then there is the 'sadness' for others, or perhaps 'empathy' for others - others and how the world appears to them and how it has changed for me. And then there is the 'depression' that perhaps one has had to live/cope with for years of one's life. And I have thought about this until the early hours of morning and this can be a 'painful' burden, too complicated for a posting.

There is something I do want to share and I don't think I'm an exception - I believe, H**, that you will find over time that you will have a continued sympathy, understanding for others and the world, but there becomes a fundamental change, probably chemical, that take place within yourself, where periods of depression become less and less and then it will stop. And this is probably linked to knowing the 'truth' ; And one last thing: things that you read a year ago and I mean things like math and concepts and drawings and ideas that you could not grasp then, will come easy to you now which will amaze you. I can speak from my own experience and I know I'm not an exception to this.

From K.O., QFS:

I could have picked any of the many responses to H**'s post for I identify with them all. What helps me is to keep telling myself I am running a program. But I must admit that it does get hard to continue playing this game because I feel as though I am hitting my head against a wall.

An example that S.F. made me think of in her reference to John Nash was that one night last week I was sitting in the living room w/hubby and he had the show "Survivor" on T.V. The handsome million dollar winner was just picked for outsmarting the others. Questions were asked to him as the show wrapped up, to find out what tactics and thought processes he used to win. I was discussed at the blatant and approved nods he got every time he told the others how he lied (called strategy) to fool his partners in order to put himself at an advantage.

We are being molded into people/robots who think this is the right way to live.

At the end, as they were asking for contestants for next years show the host mentioned it would be a good idea to read "game theory" in John Nash's book. I choked and told my husband that John Nash was a psychopath and mentioned a few points that he didn't really want to hear so I retreated into my sewing room instead of subjecting myself to more.

I put on the radio. The talk show host was talking about Sean Penn, calling him Sean PINhead. I had just found out that Sean's father, Leo Penn, was one of the many who were "Blacklisted" in the 50's. I wanted to scream at the radio "Of course Sean Penn can look at both sides and Thank God!" But I didn't yell for I'm growing used to this mindset that is drowning us. I laughed.

The same night, a bit later, I logged on the computer and one of my sisters told me I was "harsh" because she prides herself in wearing rose colored glasses and I commented that I would really rather see things as they are. Harsh!? OMG! That's all I said to her.

Times like this are most difficult. "Pointing out" the lies to others, that have become easier and easier for me to see for myself, does not work in this game, for it twists and boomerangs back at you making it seem as though "they" have it right and my/our views are off the mark.

Very frustrating but I feel a shield building. I can't really agree that I am depressed...just on guard and a little weary from the battle.

From E., QFS:

When I was much younger (in my mid 30's) I was having a terrible time with 'panic attacks'. They had progressed to the point where I was terrified about becoming house bound (agoraphobic). My son was 2 years old and my daughter was 7. It was the Christmas Season and I was totally overwhelmed with the issues in my life.

I visited the doctor and he prescribed tranquilizers and offered other medication as well. I took the scripts home and, after much deliberation, threw them away. My decision was to get over this/these problems of mine on my own terms. I was aware that I was putting a lot of stress on my own family as well as my brothers and sisters and parents. My search brought me to many different avenues of "alternative medicine", some of which helped alleviate the symptoms and some didn't. Actually, acupuncture provided the greatest help and relief of the mounting terror I felt with each passing day.

Right before Christmas, my sister was visiting and before she left I broke down and cried and told her of my fears and my sadness that I couldn't enjoy this joyful season with the rest of my family. Instead of compassion I got a tongue lashing that has stuck in my memory like it was yesterday. She said to me "You are being so unfair to the rest of your family. We are tired of seeing you so upset all the time. Just take the damn tranquilizers or have yourself a nervous breakdown and get over it!!" And, with me standing there, crying, she turned and left.

At Christmas I put on a good face and did my best not to interfere with anyone's joy. But I had already decided that what I was going through would either kill me or I would survive it. AND I DID SURVIVE IT on my own terms. It took time and I'm still not sure what happened, but haven't had a panic attack in 12 years. ((Knock on wood, ha, ha.))

No one really wants to acknowledge what's going on around us. Those who have the money are happy spending it. Those who don't are too emotionally and physically drained to care. Everyone's energy reserves are running near empty.

I can't really say that I'm feeling depressed. What I am feeling is a profound sense of sadness - for the world, for our country, for my home, my family and especially for my children. For me, it's another one of those moments where I have already made my DECISION. I am outta here!!. Don't want to recycle again. Knowing that I have made my decision on that issue, there is a deep core sense of peace within me. I have much work to do still, but even with all the horror surrounding us in these unsettled times, I know I am a survivor.

From H.M., QFS:

I think we all feel the same way, H**, to varying degrees at various times. Some days are better than others, but we must not let it become overwhelming.

The dichotomy is there- without depression there's no growth. The good thing about depression is that if you're not depressed, you're not awake- "there's no there there..."

The one thing about reality is that if you're not awake, you stumble in the darkness. For those who are awake, the matrix just loves to use depression as a way to beat those awake down. The test is to overcome those feelings with the things in life that matter- each of us in their own way are doing as much to help this reality become apparent. The other thing I might add is that taking antidepressives blocks all those neurons that nature has provided us with to connect our spirit to our physicality. Could be that the residual effects of your "medicine" is wearing off, those synapses are raw with the reality of our universe.

From T.P., QFS:

"Is there anything more important than GETTING OUT?"

That's a good question, and I'm not sure that the answer is no. Certainly getting out is what we want at the end, but I suspect we came here to accomplish a certain task, and I would put that task above the goal of getting out of here.

I do feel like you when I hear and see the things going on in our world. I don't like to use the word depression, I call it a sobering experience. It can take the joy out of a moment if I let it dominate.

When I see the people around me and listen to their talk I realize they don't have a clue of what is happening and how they are being manipulated. But I try to accept them for what they are and try not to disturb them in their sleep. Maybe I drop a hint here or there to see if anyone is interested, but mostly I leave them alone. Anyway, you are not alone in this Henry, but don't forget getting out of here is not everything we are about.

From J.Q., QFS:

T.P. wrote: Certainly getting out is what we want at the end, but I suspect we came here to accomplish a certain task, and I would put that task above the goal of getting out of here."

Hi T**, aren't these two things one and the same? If our certain task (in a general sense) is to awaken, then following the idea of marbles and slots and awareness and "fit", as we awaken and grow in knowledge/awareness we will no longer fit here and will by default we will "get out of here".

J.H. wrote: Would one choose to graduate to 4d, or stay in 3d and help those left to make a fresh start?

isn't this is what we are doing this time around...? by helping ourselves to awaken we are doing the same for others since there is the possibility to affect others simply by being who we are and speaking the truth as we see it. Also, on a larger scale perhaps our graduating will help keep things in balance in a cosmic sense, STS Vs STO.

From P.K., QFS:

My thoughts exactly T.P. We came here to learn something, and to teach something. The lessons can present obstacles that seem (at times) totally overwhelming.

For the longest time my guide has reminded me of two things... it helps me when the lessons weigh me down; BE here to observe and learn. Many will choose to be fodder.

In this day and age, all information is available to those who truly seek it. It's work. We all have a choice, to learn it or ignore it. Many chose to ignore it and would rather wallow in the STS way of the world.

Waking up is a process that can be painful. We knew this before we came here, we just can't remember that choice.

Yes I want out, but as difficult as it seems sometimes, I am learning. I can't say the lessons that teach me are what I'd want to happen to me, but nonetheless, the knowledge I gain from it is invaluable. And when I do leave here, it will be with the knowledge that I gained and I will not forget those people and experiences that taught me.

This (one lifetime) is all so temporary in the grand scheme of things. So while I'm here, I will do my best. I will also remain thankful for the wonderful people that have come my way to teach me and forever be enriched by their very temporary presence.

From H.S. to T.P.:

What do you think that task is? You don't mention anything specific.

For me, getting out [learning the lessons of 3 D so as to be eligible to graduate to 4 D] is the task. Any other tasks would probably end up being part of the work to get out, even if it wasn't evident to begin Noah building his ark.

You mention that you don't want to let the "sobering experience" take the joy out of the moment. I guess I see it a bit differently. I want that "sobering experience". It is what fuels the work to escape. I see what is there, and I am determined to not get caught again... the joy of the moment can wait.

Yes, I still have joyful moments, but they are not the default setting at the moment. Although, on another level, there is joy in all that I do because I have finally found my path.

I am moved when I read what the people here have been through, the abuse you have had to take for refusing to take your prozac....

I would like to clarify something, however, for those who might be worried: I am not sitting in a corner unable to work or act... The "depression" I am experiencing is not like the one a few years ago. It is not about me and where I am in the world or in my life -- although there are certainly moments when I SEE myself, and it isn't a pretty sight. During my "real" depression, last time, I really was empty, unable to work, to think. I just didn't care any more about anything.

What I am feeling now comes from that fact that I do care. This "depression" comes from looking at the world and understanding how STS it all is. It is a depression that fuels the work. I get up every day and I KNOW that the only thing that is important is DOing what I need to DO to get out. But, yes, there are some days when it just hits me too hard, and I am not even able to do that. But I do have a place to hang my hat, as K** put it.

My sharing these feelings with you, putting them into words, is the tapping into the creative that J** suggested. As I share it with people who are living the same thing, SEEing the same things, feeling the same things, that turns the energy to the work. Just making that connection does something to the character of the energy.

Being able to compare the two types of "depression" is helpful, too. To see the differences and know that even if some of the feelings are similar, the causes are very different. The first was the depression of the little 'I's -- "How do I get out of this mess!" These feelings of horror and sadness are more "How did WE get into and how do WE get out of this mess!" (Yeah, it was Lucifer, J**. It was us..."The devil made me do it..." -- that's a sixties reference for the young-uns on the list who may not know Flip Wilson.)

As the piece posted by Ark says: "I will persist until I succeed." And I'll add: "Cause I ain't coming back no more no more..."

But there is one thing that "depresses" me and it is related to this excerpt from Don Juan that S** sent in and is, I think, extremely pertinent.

There is something you ought to be aware of by now. I call it the cubic centimeter of chance. All of us, whether or not we are warriors, have a cubic centimeter of chance that pops out in front of our eyes from time to time. The difference between an average man and a warrior is that the warrior is aware of this, and one of his tasks is to be alert, deliberately waiting, so that when his cubic centimeter pops out he has the necessary speed, the prowess to pick it up.

As I see it, this is that cubic centimetre of chance. Right here. Right now. As the C's said to Terry, it is when you choose that counts.

We see the Bush Reich at work, daily. We are putting the truth to the lie, but we know that THEY will not permit that to continue indefinitely. War is coming, and while some dissent may be permitted in these early stages, when things heat up further, you know that they will be cracking down. As we speak, they're making a list and checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty or nice... If they need to come down the chimney to ferret us out, they'll do that, too. And the Internet will be shut down -- for our security, so that "terrorists" can't organize together. This forum will no longer exist. Does anyone here doubt this?

What are the implications?

As I see it, the work that the C's have done with Laura and Ark and through the group with everyone here has been to bring us to this point where we can SEE what is going on so that we can GET OUT and DO something elsewhere. Think about Laura and Ark's previous life in Germany. The C's say Nazi Germany was the test run. Well, how about Laura and Ark's previous life being a test run, too: they were there, saw it happen, so that they would KNOW this time around what to do. They would SEE THE SIGNS, and fortunately for us, they would be here to help us see the signs, too, this time around.

But I don't think SEEing is enough. As what we see changes, what we can do changes as well because there are more possibilities -- or is it because there is only that wasn't a possibility before because we didn't see it.

It seems to me that this phase of the Cassiopaean experiment is drawing to a close. The work until now has been to get us here, to this point, to this decision. To get to the next phase there is a test: What do you SEE and what will you DO because of it?

From S.O., QFS:

Yes, I feel this way as well. And it serves to reinforce for me that the choices I am making are the right ones, regardless of what my family and friends may think.

I am reminded of Peter, Paul, and Mary's song "Blowin' in the Wind." The answer is blowin' in the wind. The difference is that people like my parents say that we aren't meant to know the answers, that that is god's place.

I think the difference is that some people have heard that the answer is blowing in the wind, but they do nothing to hear it. Some others have heard the breeze whisper, but they turn away thinking that's all they need, or maybe thinking that they won't possibly ever be able to fly and learn the whole truth. And finally, there are those who hear the whispers, and they know they will never truly be free until they can learn to grow wings and fly and catch the answer, and know it, and live it by holding this truth in their hearts and minds.

I would rather die lonely and broke knowing that I had done everything I could to find the truth, than to die surrounded by illusions, knowing deep down that I didn't give it my best effort. And that is what keeps me going.

From R.N., QFS:

I've been like this practically all my life. Yes, even as a kid. I was led to believe that something is wrong, because everyone else is happy by having their things, etc. But, perhaps its just that their carts are going in the wrong direction, just because the horses feel like going to where it "feels nice." Maybe our carts are heading into this because our intellect is steering us to the exit. The "other guys" are just gonna keep going wherever until they realize that they have headed nowhere (maybe I'm being negative or realistic).

Right now I've been feeling neutral, sometimes up, and sometimes down. I notice how I crave the good feelings, whether it be from being around people I like or doing things like playing games, etc. I also notice how I crave the bad feelings, like when I complain about mundane things. But without these 2 sides, I would have to say the "depression" is more of an emptiness than feeling negative or down. For example, I get a job in the computer field that pays pretty well, and I'm happy, but then the job starts and I'm quickly back to complaining to myself... So I think and analyze a bit, and I see that I'm doing this because this is empty and boring, no matter how much challenge the job has. I remember M** speaking about this boredom before. These things happening in the world are sad indeed, but they don't seem to depress me much anymore. Perhaps I am desensitized, or I'm seeing this as the beginning of the end. Or, maybe I'm just nuts like Laura said, we can't know until (if) the wave happens. I add an if because I don't want to expect it. I'm glad you posted this though, because I feel the same and I bet others are too!

...continued next post


FOTCM Member
From S.C., QFS:

"I am reminded of Peter, Paul, and Mary's song "Blowin' in the Wind." The answer is blowin' in the wind."

Your post reminded me of some words from Don Juan, again, "Journey to Ixtlan". When I read his words, I try to read them without a literal interpretation, but more on a symbolic level. IOW, the "dark" being a symbol of "dark times", etc.

"It is getting dark. The world is very strange at this time of the day. We are very noticeable here and something is coming to us. It may seem to be wind to you, because wind is all you know. Here it comes. Look how it is searching for us. It's something that hides in the wind and looks like a whorl, a cloud, a mist, a face that twirls around. It moves in a specific direction. It either tumbles or it twirls. A hunter must know all that in order to move correctly.

To believe that the world is only as you think it is, is stupid. The world is a mysterious place. Especially in the twilight. This can follow us. It can make us tired or it might even kill us. At this time of the day, in the twilight, there is no wind. At this time there is only power.

If you would live out here in the wilderness you would know that during the twilight the wind becomes power. A hunter that is worth his salt knows that, and acts accordingly. He uses the twilight and that power hidden in the wind. If it is convenient to him, the hunter hides from the power by covering himself and remaining motionless until the twilight is gone and the power has sealed him into its protection.

The protection of the power seals you like in a cocoon. A hunter can stay out in the open and no puma or coyote or slimy bug could bother him. A mountain lion could come up to the hunters nose and sniff him, and if the hunter does not move, the lion would leave. I can guarantee you that.

If the hunter, on the other hand, wants to be noticed all he has to do is to stand on a hilltop at the time of the twilight and the power will nag him and seek him all night. Therefore, if a hunter wants to travel at night or if he wants to be kept awake he must make himself available to the wind.

Therein lies the secret of great hunters. To be available and unavailable at the precise turn of the road.

You must learn to become deliberately available and unavailable. As your life goes now, you are unwittingly available at all times. To be unavailable does not mean to hide or to be secretive but to be inaccessible. It makes no difference to hide if everyone knows that you are hiding.

We are fools, all of us, and you cannot be different. At one time in my life I, like you, made myself available over and over again until there was nothing of me left for anything except perhaps crying. And that I did, just like yourself.

You must take yourself away. You must retrieve yourself from the middle of the road. Your whole being is there, thus it is of no use to hide; you would only imagine that you are hidden. Being in the middle of the road means that everyone passing by watches your comings and goings.

The art of a hunter is to become inaccessible. To be inaccessible means that you touch the world around you sparingly. You don't expose yourself to the power of the wind unless it is mandatory. You don't use and squeeze people until they have shriveled to nothing, especially the people you love.

To be unavailable means that you deliberately avoid exhausting yourself and others. It means that you are not hungry and desperate.

A hunter knows he will lure game into his traps over and over again, so he doesn't worry. To worry is to become accessible, unwittingly accessible. And once you worry you cling to anything out of desperation; and once you cling you are bound to get exhausted or to exhaust whoever or whatever you are clinging to.

I've told you already that to be inaccessible does not mean to hide or to be secretive. It doesn't mean that you cannot deal with people either. A hunter uses his world sparingly and with tenderness regardless of whether the world might be things, or plants, or animals, or people, or power. A hunter deals intimately with his world and yet he is inaccessible to that same world. He is inaccessible because he's not squeezing his world out of shape. He taps it lightly, stays for as long as he needs to, and then swiftly moves away leaving hardly a mark."

From Ark:

Another possible solution is here:

From D.D., QFS:

Back in the 80s, when I was involved in sales, I found a copy of Og Mandino's, The Greatest Salesman in the World. For such a small book, it contains great inspiration. That little book, and the story of the scrolls, got me through some tough times. I used to give copies of it to friends in sales who were having a rough go of it. It is fitting that it's words have found their way here. Thanks for reminding me of it. I still have a yellowed copy of it around here somewhere. Since we are all, in a strange way, involved in selling, I highly recommend reading this book.

From a reader of the site, not a member of QFS:

Depression is not a good thing. It is important to keep your spirits and your energy up. Fear is food, after all. If you want to rise, you need to keep your frequency growing, and depression has the opposite effect.

Here's how I do it. . .

1. Keep some perspective. The Internet is only one source of information. To look at it exclusively is limiting. There are SO many ways to learn and grow! Interacting in the real world, pushing and experimenting, putting into practice the things you have read on-line, is very important!

2. The whole exercise of having come to experience the end of the world and the beginning of the new is a really cool school trip! The whole, "Must escape!" mentality is, I think, a little bit misguided. It seems to be based on fear; on the lack of faith that all there is are lessons and that all experiences are valuable. You will rise when you rise, and indeed, I suspect that until one drops their fear, rising may in fact be, I won't say impossible, but 'hampered' at best.

3. Observe. Take notes. Enjoy the show. The things going on, even the dark manipulations of the Bush Reich are quite spectacular. There is always a joy in trying to stay one step ahead of the magician, to see how he makes the doves disappear. You can learn so much about how things work in this world by deconstructing the manipulations; not only providing protection for yourself against them, but by understanding the mechanics, one can apply those same principals in the positive. Ying and Yang, doncha know!

4. The trick to rising, I think, is unburdening the soul of garbage and fear and low-frequency stuff. (Get your Tonal in order.) The Love & Light people are misguided to be certain, but certain aspects of their message still apply. Don't throw out the baby with the bath water! 5. Do not be lethargic! (Important point!!!!!) It would be a gross mistake to think that I am suggesting that one stop striving because, "Everything will fall into place." The pieces will fall, and they do, but you still have to show up for class and do the homework. You just don't have to hate it. Indeed, I have found the work to be a pure pleasure so long as I remain in tune with why I came here. If you, as James Campbell put it, "Follow your bliss," and don't lie to yourself, and continually prod yourself into growing, then you can't really go wrong. Watching evil unfold is ugly, but there's no reason to be depressed. Your soul is immortal, and this is a great time for learning. You should be joyful to be here, and moreover, to be aware that there is even a show going on!

From J.M., QFS:

We all feel the same at various intervals.

'You handle depression in much the same way you handle a tiger.' So said some Psychologist that I forget.

And to turn it into a pussy cat is not the object of the exercise either. (STS would just love that).

Depression is a reaction to a world where we don't fit yet one in which we must become master. And sure, the vast array of STS armoury that is focussed in our direction draws out this depression all too frequently. We ALL go there at one time or another. How can we not with the times as they are? As others have said, our energies are naturally lowered by the perceived futility of it all, the realisation that we can only do what we can do for those who are responding and asking because that is their reality and that is their destiny. And we keep trying. It's all in the trying.

For others who inhabit a different reality of the world as it is, we can do nothing except honour that choice.

My particular battle is with anger. Depression caught and held me in its grip from ages 14-26 yet I was convinced that I wasn't depressed ever since I experienced what real clinical, manic- depression was from relatives. There are different levels no doubt. Yet looking back at my journals of that time and from recent comments from my folks, it was clear that they perceived me to be severely depressed. I knew I was closed off but I hadn't realised to what extent. Even up to a few weeks ago I convinced myself that I had not been depressed, as subconsciously, I saw it as a sign of weakness rather than a sign of growth.

Yet I suppose it CAN become a weakness IF we let it consume us.

The Tiger for me has not been subdued it has simply changed its stripes to accommodate anger or the response of a `wild' awakening. In other words, the blocked energy at various levels are still in the process of stabilizing and with each new realisation/lesson that is ACTED upon, the energy I hope, begins to be channeled or redirected to the higher centres. I suppose it either goes to an extreme deflation of energy (depression) or an inflation or ignition that explodes. Neither are productive but both are entirely understandable.

So, my continuing intent based on this understanding is to always try to head it off at the pass. Gotta keep trying eh?

A family member told me yesterday that from someone whom she perceived to be mild-mannered and reasonably calm most of the time, the displayed flashes of anger in my eyes were frightening. It was in fact a whole body radiation. And a friend in the last month once told me the same.

I was aware of the sense of frustration that would occasionally rear its head but totally unaware of this intensity of anger that lay behind my softly spoken words. It is I think the continual frustration of the `Emperor has no clothes.' effect. Why can't you see goddammit? I want to help you SEE! A big fat program that is embedded quite deeply and surfaces mostly in a family setting. This, I am attempting to rewire. (zzst!)

So, depression and anger could be very close partners indeed in the sense that they represent a basic expression or reaction of the attempt to cope with a situation that is perhaps, for us inherently against our nature and symbolic of an eternal struggle. Indeed, perhaps it is this injection of anger that PREVENTS me from returning to a more intense depression. The trick is to make that burst of energy a creative one. Something else to Master. And `getting out' of this dense expression of matter is perhaps dependent on our ability to remain detached but intensely focused on that struggle, both internal and external so that it finally becomes no struggle at all. (He says, wiping the sweat from his brow). Apologies for all the `I's in this post – I am attempting to understand and gather them in to their Master…

From M.B., QFS:

I am back at home now, in Buenos Aires. I am visiting my family for Christmas and well...things are not like in US or in Europe. People here ARE depressed. You can feel it as you breathe in the air. The situation here hasn't been this bad for many many years and the "Christmas Spirit" has forgotten that the south also exists. It is funny because being a Catholic country Argentinians don't seem to be carried away by the Christmas fever. I think it is because people here are disenchanted with reality and they have many reasons to be. Something I have noticed after being away for almost three years is that due to the constant abuse people are opting to rely on their own resources. Perhaps the potential soul beings of this part of the world are learning a hard lesson which will turn into a fruitful one in the future? I still have my doubts though.

When I left three years ago It was partly because I wanted to run away from my family and from the country...I went away going after a bunch of false illusions; each one of them shattered at their due time. Three years ago I would have locked myself in my room to indulge in self pity and pity for others. I used to cry a lot...sometimes I was amazed at the amount of water my body was able to hold!

Analyzing my old self through the old notes in my diary I realised a great change has taken place, especially in the last month or so. Today I feel I am not able to react in the same way as before...I am still not sure why though. Is it because I have come to terms with the world and accepted things as they are? Or is it because I am unconsciously keeping it all in in order to prove something to myself and thinking the opposite is just more wishful thinking? If this is the case, what am I trying to prove? Perhaps the knowledge I have acquired in the last months has activated some kind of protection which prevents me from feeling down for a long period of time?...

Mind you, it's not that I don't care about the world or my family...I do feel compassion but from a different perspective. The group has witnessed my overemotional reaction less than a month ago and maybe it is too soon to say something has happened to me but something has definitely changed.

All these ideas are very abstract in my mind though and it is very hard for me to explain exactly what I want to say... I am not sure I am being clear. The point is that when, for example, I see little children begging barefooted in the street I don't get overwhelmed in the way I used to. Is it perhaps the knowing that at some deep level they have chosen to be where they are? or am I deceiving myself into believing this? I must confess I am scared that the problem may be me and that I may be incapable of feeling...or is this a program?

I do feel compassion but I can't help thinking there is nothing I can do to directly change their lives...but I can try to help them in a different unseen way such as participating in the School, trying to point out the truth to the people who want to listen, little things that nobody will ever see but me and a few selected people.

Perhaps, to say that all that matters is the soul may not be much of a comforting thought for some people but it does work for me. If I didn't have that I am not sure what I would have... I apologize again if I fail to express my ideas clearly...I may be bilingual but writing in a foreign language is difficult when one wants to express deep thoughts.


A book I once read said that Depression is "anger turned inward." I have observed, over many years, that many of the people who experience depression are those whose natures are somehow "at odds" with this world. It is generally those who are not satisfied with the "answers" that our religions, our culture, our science, give us about the world and all that happens within it who become depressed. And this usually happens when they begin to seek outside the framework of the "solid reality" that is presented to us as the only "real" thing, that they begin to experience the repercussions of the movement of the "Matrix" that seeks to keep them in line.

Generally, because they have been thoroughly programmed to believe that negative emotions are not acceptable, this reaction to those "machinations" of the Matrix - this "warning system" or "alarm clock," is suppressed or inverted, becoming depression.

But actually, this is normal.

True Esoteric work has a predominately negative aspect during the early stages. The individual must work long and hard to undo whatever hinders his evolution. In our world, ruled by the General Law - the Matrix Control System - this can be a monumental task. There are lies and liars and COINTELPRO's everywhere. The entire system of our present reality consists of this condition. But until discernment is learned by hard lessons and struggle, and then employed in making choices, there is no hope of further progress. Boris Mouravieff writes in his Second Volume of Gnosis: (with slight editing by me for the sake of clarity)

Following conscious efforts of observation, of non-confluence (confluence = running programs), or inner non-considering, of outer considering, and of being permanently present in the self, etc, man begins to discern the "B" influences. With the accumulation of the impressions that emanate from these influences, a magnetic center begins to take shape within him. Once formed, this center is situated between the lower emotional center and the higher emotional center: it is a new center of consciousness. As it grows, it plays the role of an intermediary which little by little absorbs the lower emotional center and is itself later absorbed by the higher emotional center. At the same time, it progressively affirms its authority over the three lower centers of the Personality and, by that, over [all the] little "I's": at this point it identifies itself with the higher emotional center situated in the middle of the organism of our psyche. Man thus attains the inner condition represented in the figure [of the Pentagon, or star]. [...] This is the schema of a man who has become complete and immortal in accordance with the meaning of the words of St. Paul: "We shall not all die but we shall all be changed."

[The Star] is the diagram of the Individuality, the fruit of the second birth. [...] The sectors of the old lower emotional center do not totally disappear, but these sectors are transfigured. According to an old initiatory formula: at the touch of the philosopher's stone, the sword of steel becomes a sword of gold. It retains its form but can no longer serve as a fighting weapon. Transfigured and absorbed by the higher emotional center, the six sectors of the lower emotional center now represent the heart of the newborn Individuality. Under the absolute authority of the higher emotional center, which contains the real "I", they together ensure the direct and autonomous link with the lower intellectual center on the one hand, and with the motor center on the other. This is how the character of the Individuality is formed, which , after its birth, passes through successive stages of growth and development. One must note that the Individuality retains its essential innately positive traits - the predispositions - of the personality of the man - purified in man #4, and born again for a new life in man #s 5, 6, and 7.

...The link with the higher intellectual center is established directly through the higher emotional center. But the sexual center, which enjoyed its independence when in the Personality, is now directly linked with the higher emotional center. The sexual center does not act autonomously in the Individuality as it did in the Personality , so that its energy can no longer be usurped by the two lower centers that survived, the intellectual and the motor center. Here Love is unadulterated. This modification radically transforms man's sexual life after his second Birth, raising it to the level of the emotional life that from this time on is ruled by the real "I."

This is the sublimation of sex.

An energetic readjustment is indispensable for the one who wishes to take a serious part in esoteric work, the aim of which - as we know - is the complete growth and development of the Personality taken all the way to the Second Birth. This leads us to consider the major problem of esoteric practice, one that is as important in the outer life as in the inner: this concerns negative emotions.

[Negative emotions] are the means by which the great destructive force acts in man. It is not an exaggeration to say that negative emotions are mainly responsible for the fact that human beings age and die prematurely. To combat old age and death, one must combat the negative emotions in oneself. [...] When treated according to precise rules founded on a strenuous psychical discipline, these very same emotions, though harmful, can become an abundant source of the fine, active energies whose presence is necessary for the development of the personality. [...]

First one must firmly grasp the fundamental idea that Faith, Hope and Knowledge are consecutive stages in the progressive Revelation of Love, and that a deficiency or lack of revelation at the preceding stage prevents access to the revelation of the following stage. This means that without Faith in one's heart it is impossible to attain Hope in the esoteric sense of this word. And without one or the other one can never attain Gnosis, the living knowledge that makes Love accessible.

In the Tradition's metaphorical language, the triad of Faith, Hope and Knowledge is called the triple-edged Sword.

The scriptures and the commentators of the first centuries of our era insist on the importance of negative emotions and on the attitude we should take to them. They recommend a positive reaction and a joyful attitude towards people who are malicious towards us. "Bless those who curse you, pray for your enemies, fast for those who persecute you. Love those who hate you and you will not heave any enemies. If someone smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also and you will be perfect."

The above, and other similar texts, are erroneously seen as dogmatic precepts. This is because people apply arguments and maxims of "A" influences to the domain of the "B" influences. This confusion is a result of the false believe that Jesus' words are "simple" and so must be accessible to everyone. Without the knowledge of the esoteric meaning of this principle, the individual swallows the medicine without bothering to learn its chemical content or when it is indicated, and often takes too much, for the wrong illness, at the wrong time and under the wrong conditions. In order to respect the Hermetic Principles adopted by the Tradition for its survival, these instructions and warnings were given in a "sibylline" form. St. Isaac the Syrian points out that: "The Holy Scriptures say many things by using words in a different sense from their original meaning. Sometimes bodily attributes are applied to the soul, and conversely, attributes of the soul are applied to the body. The Scriptures do not make any distinction here. However, enlightened men understand." [Sermon IV, 83]

Some consider the gospel teaching above as evidence of a religious exaltation that transgresses the limits of common sense. For them, such an instruction seems to be pure madness. Yet, there is a hidden esoteric principle in the above passage which states: do not flee from negative emotions. Do not fight against evil "out there" in others, but DO reject it in practice and in principle. This is emphasized by the saying that one should not comment upon the mote in another's eye before one has removed the beam from one's own eye.

It is obvious that the exterior man does not know and cannot have even an approximate idea of Love in its Divine Purity. Even advanced disciples who are already on the Staircase are far from knowing this emotion in all its fullness, for the "I" of the Personality, with its three lower centers, does not possess the organ which will enable them to feel it. To be able to feel this emotion is the attribute of the real "I," which expresses itself through the Individuality formed at the second Birth. [...]

It is to the foremost Disciples, those who are on the Staircase, that St. Paul's sentence is addressed; if they cannot attain Love before crossing the second Threshold, how can the exterior man have any idea of this Love, when he has not even crossed the first Threshold?

In the feelings accessible to the faithful who are on the Staircase to the Way, Love is still mixed. Human nature itself is mixed; it faithfully reelects the content of the Mixtus Orbis of which it is a product and a part. Thus the complex structure of the personality - with the centers of the psyche subdivided into positive and negative parts - reflects the mixed nature of the outer and inner worlds of terrestrial man and enables him to perceive them in all their parts, a possibility which would be denied him without this. [...]

The atrophy of the negative part of the intellectual center prevents man from having any doubts, and it also partially blinds his intelligence and takes away his capacity for appreciation, criticism and comparison, etc.

The same may be said for the emotional center. Its negative half is necessary to ensure its complete functioning" while the positive part responds to agreeable impressions coming from the outside or the inside, the negative part responds in the same way to disagreeable impressions. This is the normal role of negative emotions. In this sense it can be called the positive role of the negative emotions. That is to say, the positive role of the negative emotions lies in the fact that they serve as awakening alarms. If the awakened and pure emotional center were deprived of its negative part, the affective life would be impoverished and disoriented. This situation could be compared to one in which we would be able to feel heat without being able to feel cold, or see light without being able to distinguish shadows. When it is awake and functioning normally, the negative part of the emotional center is an organ in the psychological structure of the Personality which is just as indispensable as the positive part.

When the emotional center is asleep, as it is for most human beings in this world as a result of the programs and activities of Cosmic COINTELPRO which includes religious, psychological, and social deceptions and distortion, it dreams. The emotional center's innate capacity for creating images is usurped by the intellectual or moving centers, and this then creates images of false realities that compensate for the actual reality that is being experienced.

When the negative emotions are evoked in the sleeping, dreaming emotional center, in response to reality, elements from the intellectual or moving centers are added to them according to our social, religious, and psychological programming. We then "fall into confluence." Men and women commonly fall into moral prostitution in its infinitely varied shading because their actions or thoughts corrupt the pure negative emotions, deny them, suppress them, or otherwise create fantasies about reality using that energy.

As in the case of positive emotional reactions, the energy of the negative emotions spreads over the whole of the motor center and penetrated the motor sectors of the intellectual center and a state of profound confluence is the result. That is to say, that the individual will shift into a dream or an action that is programmed into them. Driven by shock or passion, a man loses his inner peace and falls immediately into the program, and proceeds to express his negative emotions via the intellectual or moving centers, and the energy is thereby lost.

If, however, at the moment when the negative emotions arises in him, the subject remains calm and does not mechanically begin to run a program, something powerful and positive can occur. By persistent introspection, the individual can observe the rise of the negative emotions and can disconnect them from intellectual or moving center usurpation and, understanding the origin of the reaction, will shed light on the inner darkness. The individual is then in a position to perform an act of primary importance:the liberation of the energy of the negative emotion for positive use. To allow this energy to be kept in the emotional center itself, to concentrate there, while simultaneously acquiring the knowledge of the external reality that stimulated the emotional reaction, and preventing the energy from being dissipated by the moving center, is a "victory" over the negative emotion, a mastery of the self that immediately brings an inflow of joy to the lower emotional center. This occurs when the negative emotional energy, concentrated in this way, causes the lower emotional center to vibrate at the rapid rhythm that is normal to it, which then establishes instant contact with the higher emotional center which triggers the current of higher emotional energy into the lower. The inflow of higher joy in the current of energy from the higher emotional center can then act on the energy concentrated in the lower emotional center by induction, transmuting it into the higher energy of the soul, which is the essential process of fusing the magnetic center, or growing the 4th density body - the gradual transformation of the physical body to the immortal body. With practice, this contact can be prolonged with more rapid results.

And, of course, the more violent the negative emotion, the greater the quantity of the emotional center energy that is produce, the more difficult the process, and the greater the rewards.

As the neophyte proceeds up the staircase, he will find that he experiences fewer negative emotions. It is at this point that he will discover the obvious utility of those who are hostile to him in the extreme. As long as he is on the Staircase it is in insults, hate, jealousy, treachery and the contempt of other men that the seeker finds the elements which are necessary for him to awaken his emotional center and utilize the "shocks" and "blows" and "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" to power his ascent.

By dominating the mechanical reactions - the programs - that the reality "out there" may produce in him, by separating and rejecting the elements that are parasites on the fine energy of this system, the seeker is able to mobilize the fine energy produced by the negative emotions. This accelerates the growth and development of the magnetic center which then enables the transition to the higher density. It is for this reason that the seeker understands why he should "love his enemies and bless those who curse and persecute him."

The saying: "Knowledge Protects" is wholly applicable to the inner revolution that takes place within the seeker. For all of our lives we are slaves to the programs that are set in motion by our negative emotions. Our intellectual centers steal this energy and produce all kinds of rationalizations, suppressions, fantasies of power or illusions that we have "mastered" the emotion simply because we are able to suppress it, or tell ourselves egotistical things like: "I'm better than that because see! I can suppress my reactions. I can say nice things when I am really boiling mad. That is what makes me superior." With knowledge of the true nature of reality and the programs that run in us, we are enabled to completely halt any such usurpation, to allow the concentration of the emotions - whether negative or positive - which then set our entire being on a higher vibration.

When we cultivate the inner "peace that passes understanding," which is the result of the transmutation of negative emotions, our opportunities for exploiting negative emotions become rather scarce, as noted. It is then, as also noted, that it is realized that the only other source of negative emotions is outside us - what Don Juan referred to as "Petty Tyrants." We must obtain the necessary shocks from the "world at large," so to say.

This kind of shock is never lacking for those who work in the world, which is why remaining "in the world" is so valuable to esoteric work. To the Matrix, anyone who "moves against" the General Law is a fugitive and The Matrix takes immediate steps - a whole series of appropriate measures - to make the rebel fall back into line.

This is the great struggle of the Grail Quest - the Invisible Combat on whose outcome the fate of the Knight depends. The uninterrupted combat lasts the whole length of the Staircase and the Seeker does not obtain his final victory until after the last trials, when he finds himself in front of the Second Threshold.

The struggle is painful, especially because one does not recognize the enemy until after one has been hit; his approach is always masked in infinitely varied ways: considerations, seduction, a desire to be useful or agreeable, condescensions, noble attitudes, and so on.

But whoever commits himself on this field of battle can still find help. This help comes to him from the depths of his being and from outside him. In the first case, it is his absolute sincerity towards himself, and the purity of the flames of desire for Truth with which his soul is ablaze. This is his "faith." It is a certainty of the invisible realms. But, since the invisible is unknown by definition, the most ardent faith can be sincerely mistaken and the knight may serve evil with all his heart, with a sincere mistake. He can be thus defeated by false teachings.

The example of St. Paul describes this condition. But, this same example shows that the heart aflame with desire for TRUTH - by its existence and sincerity - can call forth a response from the Universe that can act as "vision on the road to Damascus."

In this sense, the law: tendencies accentuate, applies. This is expressed in common parlance as "only the first step counts" and applies algebraically, that is, in a positive or negative sense. An example: in terms of moral effort, it is no less difficult to steal for the first time than to practice an unaccustomed virtue. Repeated actions of either path creates a habit, a force of inertia. Persons whose foundation is begun on lies, who then cover those lies with more lies with the pretense of "explaining" the initial lies, are simply cementing their habit of lying, and accelerating their descent into the STS mode of existence which only results in disintegration. Conversely, each partial victory over negative emotions while faced with simultaneous and reiterated attacks, augments the reserve of fine energies and so strengthens the Knight's strength in the battle.

In the course of this Invisible Combat, a particular passion, the same mirage, loses its power over the victor once he has overcome it once, twice or more times. So, while the Knight advances on the Staircase his inner peace becomes more and more complete and unalterable. He will see his assailants waver and retreat, one by one. He has established a steady and permanent peace within himself and has thus become unmovable by inner or outer shocks. This inner peace is achieved by fusion.

Which brings us back to the problem of the necessity for finding new sources of fine energies.

As noted above: The negative half of the emotional center is necessary to ensure its complete functioning. While the positive part responds to agreeable impressions coming from the outside or the inside, the negative part responds in the same way to disagreeable impressions. This is the normal role of negative emotions. In this sense it can be called the positive role of the negative emotions. That is to say, the positive role of the negative emotions lies in the fact that they serve as awakening alarms.

The direct effects of negative emotions usurped by the intellectual and/or moving centers is always destructive. It can damage the individual's health, provoke discord in families, give masses of human beings the impulses that push them to wars. This dynamism communicates impulses to the unawakened individual which forces him to act violently. The energy of the emotional center penetrates to the motor center and makes it vibrate in a violent way. At the same time, it penetrates the intellectual center giving energy to calculating, cunning, and lying thoughts. In this way, the organism of man's psyche comes out of its somnolent mental state, but in a very negative way which the intellect cannot deal with because it contradicts all the "social and religious programs" and so the psyche then voluntarily goes back to sleep to escape the negativity until some other shock wakes it back up again.

In the sense of humanity, the masses of human beings on the planet, wars are negative emotional "alarms" and devices for waking up humanity. History shows us that wars provoke a reawakening of human activity of all sorts, not merely on the battlefield, but also in science and philosophy and ethics. It is from that activity, provoked by the calamities of wars, that marvels are born for the following generations. Without this negative reaction, the door of the path of access to ascension would be closed to individuals as well as human groups.

And so it is, for those who can be "awakened" by this activity in our present reality, who can utilize the emotions evoked by this "Petty Tyrant" of our external world; self observation combined with knowledge of the true nature of reality and the programs that run in us, such individuals are enabled to completely halt the usurpation of their energy by the intellectual or moving centers, can then facilitate the concentration of the negative emotions which then can set their entire being on a higher vibration.

The process of fusion may take many years. On the other hand, with the right circumstances - such as the present "petty tyrant" of the external reality - it can be rather rapid. It occurs in five stages.

The Five Stages of Fusion

First Stage: This period consists in sustained self-observation with the objective of getting to know all the different "parts" of the self, the programs, what is "automatic" or mechanical, and what is not. While this stage proceeds, the Seeker must continually be aware that what he is observing is a myriad of "I's" and that very little of what he observes is the real "I." Once the seeker has become familiar with the spectacle of his many "I's" that constitute his personality, he must attempt to discover which of these "I's" are the ones that wish to dominate the rest. These are generally "I's" that exist due to lying to oneself or hypocrisy. These "I's" must be unmasked in the first stage of the work. Otherwise, any fusion that takes place will be improper and incomplete and based on a false reality.

In the Quantum Future School, we have seen many seekers who have come and gone for the simple reason that they cannot bear the unmasking of the controlling "I's" of the false personality. After studying this phenomenon for some time, we came to the realization that, in many cases, this was due to the fact that there simply was no possibility of fusion because the individual was an Organic Portal and did not have the higher centers to either motivate or fuel this process.

Lying to oneself sometimes takes on extremely finely shaded forms that necessitate total and sustained attention. To eliminate useless lying to others does not demand continual effort: one must simply watch to see that it does not slip into conversation. At the moment when the lie is on our lips a simple effort of attention is sufficient to stop it.

As for efforts at suppressing lies to oneself, they entail quite different and important consequences. Such lies grow deep roots of such psychological subtlety that it is difficult to uproot them. An example is the question of marriages or friendships where one of the partners, having realized that the union is in error, persists in trying to convince himself of the contrary. If he is of an affectionate nature, he will redouble his amiability towards his partner. The absurdity of the situation reaches its limits if the other partner reacts by adopting a corresponding attitude - without truly feeling any sincere or spontaneous glow of tenderness.

The danger from the esoteric point of view is that, by mere force of habit, such a situation takes on for one or both of the participants, the value of Truth when it is, in fact, a lie. This kind of lying to oneself can go on for dozens of years with people who are amiable and of good faith, entailing generally tragic circumstances at the end.

The person who struggles against lying to himself must be forewarned of these difficulties and of the collapse of some, or all, of his greatest values, illusions, beliefs, ideas and theories about his world. The true, deep, inner work cannot even begin until the novice has passed through this general bankruptcy and has had all his "gods" thrown to the ground.

He will sometimes feel bitter regret as his beautiful dreams vanish, but at the same time, he will feel himself more and more liberated. His growing sincerity towards himself will establish an atmosphere of truth in his inner life. The law proclaims: "Ye shall know the Truth and the truth shall make you free."

Inner non-considering - or the ability to be brutally honest with the self with deep sincerity - is the crucial element of unmasking. The lies that one tells the self - either by programming from the exterior world - or to deal with shocks to the interior world must be done away with. An individual who cannot bear the Truth can never know Love. This conquest of inner lying is the sine qua non of success in esoteric work. This alone makes it possible to observe the work of the lower centers objectively. It is sometimes necessary to resort to force and violence against ourselves - those little "I's" who have taken over our lives. This is how we eliminate the roots of Illusion within us, the mother of lies to ourselves.

Second Stage: Outer or inner circumstances provoke conflicts in us between the I's of divergent tendencies - faithfully reflecting the world of "A" influences. Each conflict produces a disagreeable sensation of inner friction. At this point in the process, it is crucial to be very watchful and aware. One must be actively present in the process of identifying and naming the lies one tells oneself and the programs that one is influenced by, while at the same time resolutely detaching from the effects. If we identify with any of the I's that are the production of lies or programs, not only is the friction of the unpleasant sensation lost to our use, we risk the danger of falling into the program, and it may take a great while to escape it again - if we ever can. As noted above: the law that says tendencies accentuate, applies very powerfully here. We are here faced with moral effort and when the process is being done consciously, as stated: it is no less difficult to steal for the first time than to practice an unaccustomed virtue. Repeated actions of either path creates a habit, a force of inertia. Persons whose foundation is begun on lies, who then cover those lies with more lies with the pretense of "explaining" the initial lies, are simply cementing their habit of lying, and accelerating their descent into the STS mode of existence which only results in disintegration. Conversely, each partial victory over negative emotions while faced with simultaneous and reiterated attacks, augments the reserve of fine energies and so strengthens the Knight's strength in the battle. So, resolution, dedication, and brutal honestly with the self are crucial here.

This process of liberating the self from the domination of the programs, of essentially "killing" all the little "I's" of lies and deception, results in the production of very fine energies which can accumulate to our advantage.

In the Quantum Future School, we have observed many of those who fall at this stage, do so from anger. This anger seems to be the anger of the false personality that is afraid of its own death. If this false personality is stronger than the "desire" to achieve liberation - if there is insufficient knowledge of the reality in which one exists to fuel the desire to be liberated from it - then the negative emotion of facing one of these programs is immediately usurped by either/or the moving center and the intellectual center. The energy of the emotional center penetrates to the motor center and makes it vibrate in a violent way which causes the individual to act in an aggressive and insulting way. At the same time, it penetrates the intellectual center giving energy to calculating, cunning, and lying thoughts. Because these thoughts are supported by the cultural, social, religious, or other Matrix programs - as well as the General Law - it is easy for them to take hold and the individual ends up rationalizing, justifying, and otherwise feeding the negative emotional energy into a disruptive, aggressive, antagonistic stance which often takes on the mantle of "self-righteousness."

When negative emotions are felt, they most often get translated into anger. When angry, we consume a great deal of energy. If we master this negative emotion on the spot, we liberate the energy, concentrate it in the emotional center, and a flood of well-being and sweetness spreads through us.

The Seeker who commits himself to esoteric work while continuing to live in the world invariably provokes the animosity of those around him. Several texts of the Tradition refer to this law. It is sufficient to know the verse where it is said that man's greatest foes are those of his own household. However, an ever greater enemy of man is certainly himself, precisely because of his unconditional attachment to those "of his own household." This is why Jesus said: "If any man come to me and hate not his father and mother and wife and children and brethren and sisters, yea, and his own soul also, he cannot be my disciple."

This is the meaning of the other words Jesus pronounced: "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth; I came not to send peace, but a sword."

Third Stage: Warmth. Real heat is born in us when the inward friction becomes sufficiently intense and is used rationally. It happens in exactly the same way as where heat is produced when two pieces of dry wood are rubbed together. This, of course, suggests that the seeker must have "dry wood." When we feel this heat we can be sure that we are on the right track. The friction comes in the middle of an act of presence, of the confrontation of the "I" of our Personality with the Thou of God's Infinity. Even the smallest trace of pride renders this confrontation inoperative. This event comes about through meditation and prayer. Such a prayer should be short and "said in the spirit." One that is useful is "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable unto thee, O Lord." It is an active "asking" of the Universe to reveal itself - the "presence" of its intelligence. The heat is produced by the feeling which is born of this repeated confrontation between the "I" of the personality and the Thou of Infinity.

Fourth Stage - Fire: The first three stages of fusion require sustained effort. The last two are spontaneous. The heart is set on fire when the friction liberates enough heat, as is the case with two pieces of dry wood. This is the mystical fire. From there, it spreads through the veins. The maxim of the Tradition states: when the fire burns in the blood, the very composition of the nervous system changes in essence. The blood then becomes "blue."

At this stage, the wonder-struck seeker will see in his own depths the image of his real "I." He will see that it is a brilliant ray of the "I" of Creator. The Gospel of Thomas tells us:"Let him who seeks, not cease seeking until he finds, and when he finds, he will be troubled, and when he has been troubled, he will marvel and he will reign over all."

To reign over all means to finally be identified with one's real "I" which is a fragment of the I of the Creator which reigns over the Universes.

Fifth Stage: Fusion. The fusion can take place in different ways but always begins from the emotional center under the influence of an intense emotion cultivated through continuous efforts, or of a sudden emotion following a long accumulation of diverse emotions oriented in the same direction. The nature of the fusion is, therefore, strictly individual. It can be the result of a sacrifice that is the result of an intense manifestation of true Love.

Love is the common element in all the processes which lead to positive fusion. It is love that must set the heart aflame all the while leaving the head cool to observe and analyze and be "present."

Fusion that is positive does not take place under the influence of strong negative emotion. However, the negative emotions are necessary to create the friction to set the heart on fire. SEEing the reality AS IT IS can produce these negative emotions which result in awakening the individual to his true estate, and result in the revelation of the LOVE for a different state of being - the identification with the I of the Creator. This is explicated in the story of the Prodigal Son who went to a Far Country - the present reality in which we find ourselves - and there, after spending his inheritance - ended up in a pigsty. It was while in this pigsty that he "awoke." This symbolizes all the negative happenings in a person's life that can cause him to awaken. And as soon as the Son awoke, he realized how much he loved his Father and was loved by his father, and this realization - made in true humility and willingness to serve in any capacity, generated the fire that gave him the impetus to rise up and begin the journey home. The entire story of the Prodigal Son is a story of the process of fusion.

Once the fusion is achieve as outlined above, the "I" of the Personality becomes monolithic and stable. At that point, the seeker is in front of the second Threshold, and ready to cross it.

And so, in the end, we think that depression is a normal reaction to the death of illusion, to the growing of the ability to "see the unseen," and the result of collecting "impressions" of the deep reality - "B" influences. But one should not stay depressed. It is at this point more than any other that one must observe. Is the depression a program? Is it generated from outside, such as the many mind control programs we know are being utilized in the present day? Is it anger at God or reality turned inward? In any case, the individual must observe the self carefully, and must utilize will and determination to separate the thoughts and actions from the pure emotion and then, simultaneous with feeling it, must acknowledge its source and effect on himself.

In Carlos Castaneda's book, The Fire From Within, Don Juan teaches that man has two types of awareness which he labeled "Right side awareness" and "Left side awareness." The "Right side awareness" is, apparently, that state of "normal" consciousness in which we conduct our daily lives. The "Left side awareness" is that state we access in dreams, in deep meditation, at moments of transcendental consciousness and in the act of "SEEING." This matches quite well with Mouravieff's descriptions of the difference between "A" and "B" influences.

Seeing is the capacity of human beings to enlarge their perceptual field until they are capable of assessing not only outer appearances, but also the essence of everything. Apparently anybody can enlarge their perceptual field to one extent or another and SEE something, but that does not make them a Master. Don Juan's comments on this matter are relevant:

"...there have certainly been attempts to imbue the [ineffable unknown] with attributes [it] does not have. But that always happens when impressionable people learn to perform acts that require great sobriety. Seers come in all sizes and shapes....there are scores of imbeciles who become seers. Seers are human beings full of foibles, or rather, human beings full of foibles are capable of becoming seers. Just as in the case of miserable people who become superb scientists. The characteristic of miserable seers is that they are willing to forget the wonder of the world. They become overwhelmed bythe fact that they see and believe that it is their genius that counts. A seer must be a paragon in order to override the nearly invincible laxness of our human condition. More important than seeing itself is what seers do with what they see.

"The majority of people have their fields of energy divided into only two parts. A few people have their energy divided into three or four parts and are therefore more resilient than the average person. These people have potentials beyond the ability to merely expand their perception. They can become Naguals, or leaders, teachers and guides."

Again we find an interesting correlation between what Don Juan has said and the information from Mouravieff, Gurdjieff, Sufis and the C's. One might think that those individuals who only have the two part energy field are of the Organic Portal line of development.

It seems that one of the effects of enlargement of the perceptual field is a combination of sheer joy combined with a frightening feeling of sadness and longing. This is apparently because a full field of awareness includes all the opposites in perfect balance.

Don Juan says that SEEING is to lay bare the core of everything, to witness the unknown and to glimpse the unknowable. The unknown is veiled from man but, is within man's reach. The unknowable is the indescribable, the unthinkable, and the unrealizable. It is something that may never be known to us in our human estate. He further tells us, and this is corroborated in other teachings, that to interact with the unknown, but that which is ultimately within the reach of knowing through great work, is energizing, exhilarating and fulfilling even when it is also full of apprehension and fear.

But, to interact with the unknowable is results in a kind of decay - a dissolution - a disintegration. Don Juan tells us that Seers without knowledge who interact with the unknowable are drained, confused. They become open to oppression and possession. Their bodies lose tone, their reasoning becomes flawed, and their sobriety wanders aimlessly. "It is not within human reach and therefore should not be intruded upon foolishly or even prudently. And, the fact is, most of what is out there is unknowable."

But, even on the level of the unknown that is ultimately accessible to human perception, Seers who truly See often go to pieces on finding out that existence is incomprehensibly complex and that our normal awareness distorts all and perverts with its limitations.

And, what is there to be seen? Don Juan says:

"The first truth is that the world is as it looks and yet it isn't. It's not as solid and real as our perception has been led to believe, but it isn't a mirage either. The world is not an illusion [created by our minds] as it has been said to be; it's real on the one hand, and unreal on the other. ...We perceive. This is a hard fact. But what we perceive is not a fact of the same kind, because we learn what to perceive.

"Something out there is affecting our senses. This is the part that is real. The unreal part is what our senses tell us is there. Our senses perceive the way they do because a specific feature of our awareness forces them to do so. [...]

"It is not just an idea. It is a fact. And a damn scary one if you ask me. ... One of the greatest forces in the lives of warriors is fear. It spurs them to learn. ...To understand one needs sobriety, not emotionality. Beware of those who weep with realization, for they have realized nothing. There are untold dangers in the path of knowledge for those without sober understanding. Seers have to be methodical, rational beings; paragons of sobriety and yet free and open to the wonders and mysteries of existence.

"It is natural to be scared and to control fear is wrong and senseless."

" True contact with expanded awareness can bring on unspeakable melancholy. It is a mixture of pure longing for the depths of perception plus an absolute fear of their chilling solitude. "

Don Juan remarked that in the life of warriors it was extremely natural to be sad for no overt reason.

"...Whenever the boundaries of the known are broken,a mere glimpse of the eternity outside is enough to disrupt the coziness of our controlled awareness. The resulting melancholy is sometimes so intense that it can bring about death. ...The best way to get rid of melancholy is to makefun of it."

There is nothing more lonely than eternity. And this is the human dilemma. There is nothing more cozy than to be a human being. We can live forever behind veils of illusion, suffering our blindness, and dying in our ignorance. And, until some aspect of that human has had its fill of suffering and death, there will be no desire to venture into the absolute loneliness of eternity. It is only the soul that is ready for this definitive journey that becomes a Knight willing to risk the soul chilling fear, the melancholy, the depression, and the unspeakable joy of traveling into the unknown.

Finally, let us point out that Mouravieff has said that once the seeker has achieved a certain level of development, he must then collect the will to "escape" the prison/pigsty of 3rd density. How can one have the will - or even the wish - to leave a reality if it is pleasant and fulfilling to them? And it is certainly true that 3rd density is desirable and salubrious to many individuals. It is their natural home. And it is certainly not the right of those who are "not at home" there to seek to change either the reality or the residents.

And so it is that we see this low-level, thread of depression that manifests as a consequence of SEEing might actually be necessary to fuel the desire to ascend. As the C's have said:

"Suffering activates neuro-chemicals which turn on DNA receptors."

Q: Was my insight that I had one night that, at some point in time something may happen that will turn genes on in our bodies that will cause us to physically transform, an accurate perception of what could happen at the time of transition to 4th density?
A: For the most part, yes.
Q: Are there any limitations to what our physical bodies can transform to if instructed by the DNA? Could we literally grow taller, rejuvenate, change our physical appearance, capabilities, or whatever, if instructed by the DNA?
A: Receivership capability.
Q: What is receivership capability?
A: Change to broader receivership capability. [...]
Q: (A) It means how good is your receiver.
A: Yes.
Q: (L) What is your receiver? The physical body?
A: Mind through central nervous system connection to higher levels.

And again: "Suffering activates neuro-chemicals which turn on DNA receptors."


The Living Force
Re: The First Victory. Comments on LKJ's \

for reference, Laura has now made it available here:


The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Thank you, Laura, for posting this.

You certainly have put the "Work" into a nutshell in this posting! I have read, and reread this summary part quite a few times today. I expect I will read it many more times. It has helped me a great deal to see the progression of the work. I suspect that I have been doing the first stage of the work for some time now.

Do I have a higher consciousness and therefore am I a person who can travel this staircase? I doubt anyone is going to be able to tell me, so I have to find out myself. It feels like I owe it to my soul to mount the staircase and learn! I can no longer just remain stagnant and continue running the old programs that everyone close to me would wish I would run!

What if I can do it? What if doing it helps raise the overall frequency of the planet before the wave comes, as the C's suggest? How can I NOT contribute in my own little way?

Should I be frightened of failure? Usually I think that failure is not a waste, as long as I learn lessons from it. Although I seem to recall some warnings by Mouravieff. For example in "Commentary on Boris Mouravieff's Gnosis" I read:

[..]if this initial desire does not unite all man's existence in obedience [to the thing desired, i.e. to become free] if it does not dominate his whole being, it is better for him to stop in time and not cross the Threshold. - Mouravieff

However, I am more frightened of the meaningless existence that I face if I continue to live in my mechanical programs. If I continue live in, and contribute to, all the lies and illusions, then please stop the planet, I want to get off!

Further, if in the end, If I don't have a higher consciousness, I wonder if it might help towards me getting a higher consciousness one day? :/

Well, I have the work, and reading (e.g. Mouravieff, Ouspensky, Castaneda) to do!

Thanks again for your teaching,


FOTCM Member
Breton said:
Further, if in the end, If I don't have a higher consciousness, I wonder if it might help towards me getting a higher consciousness one day?

I think for you to say ‘if” and “getting a higher consciousness one day” is (and I often do this) just thinking about it. As a result the idea of higher consciousness just becomes a theoretical concept and an (imaginary) past and future is ascribed to it but the present is totally overlooked. The present is overlooked since the present has a reality to it and it takes a real effort to perceive reality. So it’s imaginary (when one just thinks about higher consciousness) since how can there be a past and future if there is no real present moment?

My advice would be to not concern yourself with “higher consciousness.” It might be (most likely) just wishful thinking looking for a blissful experience.

I found it to be more practical by making my efforts to become more conscious of my changing psychological states and discovering where they come from, observing what triggers them, how they have affected me throughout my life, what my thinking and feeling is when I’m experiencing them, observing and sensing my muscle tensions, breathing, body postures, etc. It’s not easy!

For example, I’ll note how my attention often wanders when simply trying to be conscious of the minute hand of a watch. In the same way I may be in a particular psychological state where its center of gravity is either emotional, physical, or mental and then I’ll suddenly find myself in another state. I ask myself what is the nature of this state that I’m presently experiencing? At what point did my psychological state shift into another? Did something trigger it, either internally or externally? Where was the transition point between one state and another? Was I present to it? I’ll ask myself why this shift was not noticed.

What had happened was that my attention wandered (just like when I was trying to be conscious of the watch) and during that time of unawareness my psychological state shifted it’s center of gravity. But I was too unaware, too 'asleep' and groggy, to see it clearly.

So I make my efforts to become more aware of my inner states. I think this is consciousness but my concern at this time is not with “higher consciousness” since I’m just concerned with becoming more conscious since I’m not conscious to begin with as is evidenced by the watch experiment.

I found that when I make the effort to be more aware a space opens up between my awareness of the inner state and the inner state itself. There is a little bit of freedom there. Not much but it’s there Then something new, a new attitude may come into my consciousness and my inner state can be transformed. But it takes constant effort! New connections can be made from this new knowledge. New possibilities open.

If the tuner is not tuned then it cannot receive. So I think speaking about “higher consciousness” is like talking about the signal but it’s not concerning yourself with the existence of the tuner that receives the signal and the optimization of the tuners intrinsic possibilities.

Al Today

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
kenlee said:
an (imaginary) past and future is ascribed to it but the present is totally overlooked. The present is overlooked since the present has a reality to it and it takes a real effort to perceive reality. So it's imaginary (when one just thinks about higher consciousness) since how can there be a past and future if there is no real present moment?

Eureka! Thank you for reminding me about thoughts I had driving into work today. I was thinking about the predator's mind. Flooding my mind with emotions, subjective recollections/remembrances about the 'past" and wishful flights of fancy, speculation about the 'future'. In order to perceive the NOW, I try to not be influenced by the "past" nor "future". To me, this is a major concept. Perhaps, we've most (if not all) have had inspirations, almost instinctual/NON-ANTICIPATED flashes of reality about the "PRESENT". Staying anchored in the present has always been a struggle for me. I try to live life NOW. Of course my disclaimer living here is that one must consider the future for the sake of continued survival. But, to me, I think this is where we may need to "BE", in the here and now.?.?.?

edit: Seems that I am not able to write down my thoughts. I speak of the flood of past/present/future thoughts seemingly simultaneous. All three mixed seems to cloud the present with unnecessary trains of thought, diverting attention from, even cluttering the perception of present reality. "Can't see the forest for the trees", so to speak. Seems these programs are tried and proven to keep us all dumbed down... Forgive me being tongue tied and not able to project the concept I envision. Of course this is my view... Open to revision...


The Living Force
FOTCM Member
To kenlee:

Oops, I meant "higher consciousness" in the sense of the 3 higher centers. However I am glad of your posting because it relates to another matter I have been trying to learn and improve. Thank you for your words, it means a great deal when someone takes the time to write and share their thoughts.

I have been contemplating the concept of organic portals as explained on this site. I have come to understand that these are people that don't have higher consciousness, that is, they don't have the 3 higher centers mentioned in Laura's post above, and nor can they "get" them. At least not in this life. Perhaps their souls will "one day" evolve so far that they manifest the higher centers, the higher consciousness, in a future incarnation. I admit I don't understand this very well at all, and I am afraid it might not be crystal clear to anyone in 3rd density.

Further, the C's seem to refer to the organic portals as not having a soul. So how do they have incarnations? In some other writings on this site, OPs are referred to as maybe not having individuated souls, which I suppose is similar to having a soul that is part of a group soul or something. I find this confusing, and the whole concept of organic portals vexes me to no end.

Anyways, it may be that the term soul might be used in a different sense than I am used to using it: to me a soul is that kind of consciousness or "being" that lives on in 5th density when the body dies, and experiences incarnations. I am uncomfortable with using the term organic portals, and the concept of not having a soul, so instead I say people without a higher consciousness. This is a topic I should really discuss under the organic portal thread

The point is I don't know if I am an OP who is doomed to fail in the work (mentioned in Laura's posting above). Nevertheless I wonder if even trying to do the work from the bottom one's heart, that might help in some way, to become a non-OP in a future incarnation at least? Maybe I am being to intense here: maybe just do the work for the heck of it! Life is just lessons for everybody, OPs and non-OPs! :)

I am not fixated on becoming anything, but I want to be true to my destiny whatever it is. Ah, one's destiny, something which seems very hard to know in 3rd density, or so it seems to me.

As for your writing, it touches upon quietening the mind and meditation, I think. Looking at stage 3 of the work, it appears this would be a very crucial skill to hone: "This event comes about through meditation and prayer". I have been poor at meditation. However, I am intrigued by the concept of being totally in the present moment, and have been little by little trying to do just that. Your experiences makes sense to me, so I shall keep them in mind.


The Living Force
Thanks for posting this, Laura. I've been going through very similar experiences myself, and similar thoughts have been swimming through my mind these past couple of days, so it was a nice synchronicity that this was posted. Very illuminating to see that so many others are sharing this same experience.

I'm no stranger to depression. I've always been a somewhat melancholy and introspective type, but have my highs and lows like anyone else ... and some of those lows have been low enough that thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind. One time I self-medicated with St. John's Wort as an herbal prozac. After a while, though, I was able to see the cycle and learned not to identify myself with wherever I happened to be on it; probably the first Work-related self-observation I've undertaken. More recently I've been trying to begin the Work in earnest, turning my mind back on itself, examining my reactions, and it's just as was warned, long and difficult and painful. As of yet moments of clarity are rare sparks separated by wide gulfs of a waking dreamstate. Well, I've just begun ... the first steps of a staircase a thousand miles high....

This essay by Charles Eisenstein seems appropriate here:

Mutiny of the Soul
Depression, anxiety, and fatigue are an essential part of a process of metamorphosis that is unfolding on the planet today, and highly significant for the light they shed on the transition from an old world to a new.

When a growing fatigue or depression becomes serious, and we get a diagnosis of Epstein-Barr or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or hypothyroid or low serotonin, we typically feel relief and alarm. Alarm: something is wrong with me. Relief: at least I know I'm not imagining things; now that I have a diagnosis, I can be cured, and life can go back to normal. But of course, a cure for these conditions is elusive.

The notion of a cure starts with the question, "What has gone wrong?" But there is another, radically different way of seeing fatigue and depression that starts by asking, "What is the body, in its perfect wisdom, responding to?" When would it be the wisest choice for someone to be unable to summon the energy to fully participate in life?

The answer is staring us in the face. When our soul-body is saying No to life, through fatigue or depression, the first thing to ask is, "Is life as I am living it the right life for me right now?" When the soul-body is saying No to participation in the world, the first thing to ask is, "Does the world as it is presented me merit my full participation?"

What if there is something so fundamentally wrong with the world, the lives, and the way of being offered us, that withdrawal is the only sane response? Withdrawal, followed by a reentry into a world, a life, and a way of being wholly different from the one left behind?

The unspoken goal of modern life seems to be to live as long and as comfortably as possible, to minimize risk and to maximize security. We see this priority in the educational system, which tries to train us to be "competitive" so that we can "make a living". We see it in the medical system, where the goal of prolonging life trumps any consideration of whether, sometimes, the time has come to die. We see it in our economic system, which assumes that all people are motivated by "rational self-interest", defined in terms of money, associated with security and survival. (And have you ever thought about the phrase "the cost of living"?) We are supposed to be practical, not idealistic; we are supposed to put work before play. Ask someone why she stays in a job she hates, and as often as not the answer is, "For the health insurance." In other words, we stay in jobs that leave us feeling dead in order to gain the assurance of staying alive. When we choose health insurance over passion, we are choosing survival over life.

On a deep level, which I call the soul level, we want none of that. We recognize that we are here on earth to enact a sacred purpose, and that most of the jobs on offer are beneath our dignity as human beings. But we might be too afraid to leave our jobs, our planned-out lives, our health insurance, or whatever other security and comfort we have received in exchange for our divine gifts. Deep down, we recognize this security and comfort as slaves' wages, and we yearn to be free.

So, the soul rebels. Afraid to make the conscious choice to step away from a slave's life, we make the choice unconsciously instead. We can no longer muster the energy to go through the motions. We enact this withdrawal from life through a variety of means. We might summon the Epstein-Barr virus into our bodies, or mononucleosis, or some other vector of chronic fatigue. We might shut down our thyroid or adrenal glands. We might shut down our production of serotonin in the brain. Other people take a different route, incinerating the excess life energy in the fires of addiction. Either way, we are in some way refusing to participate. We are shying away from ignoble complicity in a world gone wrong. We are refusing to contribute our divine gifts to the aggrandizement of that world.

That is why the conventional approach of fixing the problem so that we can return to normal life will not work. It might work temporarily, but the body will find other ways to resist. Raise serotonin levels with SSRIs, and the brain will prune some receptor sites, thinking in its wisdom, "Hey, I'm not supposed to feel good about the life I am living right now." In the end, there is always suicide, a common endpoint of the pharmaceutical regimes that seek to make us happy with something inimical to our very purpose and being. You can only force yourself to abide in wrongness so long. When the soul's rebellion is suppressed too long, it can explode outward in bloody revolution. Significantly, all of the school shootings in the last decade have involved people on anti-depression medication. All of them! For a jaw-dropping glimpse of the results of the pharmaceutical regime of control, scroll down this compilation of suicide/homicide cases involving SSRIs. I am not using "jaw-dropping" as a figure of speech. My jaw literally dropped open.

Back in the 1970s, dissidents in the Soviet Union were often hospitalized in mental institutions and given drugs similar to the ones used to treat depression today. The reasoning was that you had to be insane to be unhappy in the Socialist Workers' Utopia. When the people treating depression receive status and prestige from the very system that their patients are unhappy with, they are unlikely to affirm the basic validity of the patient's withdrawal from life. "The system has to be sound -- after all, it validates my professional status -- therefore the problem must be with you."

Unfortunately, "holistic" approaches are no different, as long as they deny the wisdom of the body's rebellion. When they do seem to work, usually that is because they coincide with some other shift. When someone goes out and gets help, or makes a radical switch of modalities, it works as a ritual communication to the unconscious mind of a genuine life change. Rituals have the power to make conscious decisions real to the unconscious. They can be part of taking back one's power.

I have met countless people of great compassion and sensitivity, people who would describe themselves as "conscious" or "spiritual", who have battled with CFS, depression, thyroid deficiency, and so on. These are people who have come to a transition point in their lives where they become physically incapable of living the old life in the old world. That is because, in fact, the world presented to us as normal and acceptable is anything but. It is a monstrosity. Ours is a planet in pain. If you need me to convince you of that, if you are unaware of the destruction of forests, oceans, wetlands, cultures, soil, health, beauty, dignity, and spirit that underlies the System we live in, then I have nothing to say to you. I only am speaking to you if you do believe that there is something deeply wrong with the way we are living on this planet.

A related syndrome comprises various "attention deficit" and anxiety "disorders" (forgive me, I cannot write down these words without the ironic quotation marks) which reflect an unconscious knowledge that something is wrong around here. Anxiety, like all emotions, has a proper function. Suppose you left a pot on the stove and you know you forgot something, you just can't remember what. You cannot rest at ease. Something is bothering you, something is wrong. Subliminally you smell smoke. You obsess: did I leave the water running? Did I forget to pay the mortgage? The anxiety keeps you awake and alert; it doesn't let you rest; it keeps your mind churning, worrying. This is good. This is what saves your life. Eventually you realize -- the house is on fire! -- and anxiety turns into panic, and action.

So if you suffer from anxiety, maybe you don't have a "disorder" at all -- maybe the house is on fire. Anxiety is simply the emotion corresponding to "Something is dangerously wrong and I don't know what it is." That is only a disorder if there is in fact nothing dangerously wrong. "Nothing is wrong, just you" is the message that any therapy gives when it tries to fix you. I disagree with that message. The problem is not with you. You have very good reason to be anxious. Anxiety keeps part of your attention away from your tasks of polishing the silverware as the house burns down, of playing the violin as the Titanic sinks. Unfortunately, the wrongness you are tapping into might be beyond the cognizance of the psychiatrists who treat you, who then conclude that the problem must be your brain.

Similarly, Attention Deficit Disorder, ADHD, and my favorite, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) are only disorders if we believe that the things presented for our attention are worth paying attention to. We cannot admit, without calling into question the whole edifice of our school system, that it may be completely healthy for a ten-year-old boy to not sit still for six hours in a classroom learning about long division and Vasco de Gama. Perhaps the current generation of children, that some call the Indigos, simply have a lower tolerance for school's agenda of conformity, obedience, external motivation, right-and-wrong answers, the quantification of performance, rules and bells, report cards and grades and your permanent record. So we try to enforce their attention with stimulants, and subdue their heroic intuitive rebellion against the spirit-wrecking machine.

As I write about the "wrongness" against which we all rebel, I can hear some readers asking, "What about the metaphysical principle that it's 'all good'?" Just relax, I am told, nothing is wrong, all is part of the divine plan. You only perceive it as wrong because of your limited human perspective. All of this is only here for our own development. War: it gives people wonderful opportunities to make heroic choices and burn off bad karma. Life is wonderful, Charles, why do you have to make it wrong?

I am sorry, but usually such reasoning is just a sop to the conscience. If it is all good, then that is only because we perceive and experience it as terribly wrong. The perception of iniquity moves us to right it.

Nonetheless, it would be ignorant and fruitless to pass judgment upon those who do not see anything wrong, who, oblivious to the facts of destruction, think everything is basically fine. There is a natural awakening process, in which first we proceed full speed ahead participating in the world, believing in it, seeking to contribute to the Ascent of Humanity. Eventually, we encounter something that is undeniably wrong, perhaps a flagrant injustice or a serious health problem or a tragedy near at hand. Our first response is to think this is an isolated problem, remediable with some effort, within a system that is basically sound. But when we try to fix it, we discover deeper and deeper levels of wrongness. The rot spreads; we see that no injustice, no horror can stand in isolation. We see that the disappeared dissidents in South America, the child laborers in Pakistan, the clearcut forests of the Amazon, are all intimately linked together in a grotesque tapestry that includes every aspect of modern life. We realize that the problems are too big to fix. We are called to live in an entirely different way, starting with our most fundamental values and priorities.

All of us go through this process, repeatedly, in various realms of our lives; all parts of the process are right and necessary. The phase of full participation is a growth phase in which we develop gifts that will be applied very differently later. The phase of trying to fix, to endure, to soldier on with a life that isn't working is a maturation phase that develops qualities of patience and determination and strength. The phase of discovering the all-encompassing nature of the problem is usually a phase of despair, but it need not be. Properly, it is a phase of rest, of stillness, of withdrawal, of preparation for a push. The push is a birth-push. Crises in our lives converge and propel us into a new life, a new being that we hardly imagine could exist, except that we'd heard rumors of it, echoes, and maybe even caught a glimpse of it here and there, been granted through grace a brief preview.

If you are in the midst of this process, you need not suffer if you cooperate with it. I can offer you two things. First is self-trust. Trust your own urge to withdraw even when a million messages are telling you, "The world is fine, what's wrong with you? Get with the program." Trust your innate belief that you are here on earth for something magnificent, even when a thousand disappointments have told you you are ordinary. Trust your idealism, buried in your eternal child's heart, that says that a far more beautiful world than this is possible. Trust your impatience that says "good enough" is not good enough. Do not label your noble refusal to participate as laziness and do not medicalize it as an illness. Your heroic body has merely made a few sacrifices to serve your growth.

The second thing I can offer you is a map. The journey I have described is not always linear, and you may find yourself from time to time revisiting earlier territory. When you find the right life, when you find the right expression of your gifts, you will receive an unmistakable signal. You will feel excited and alive. Many people have preceded you on this journey, and many more will follow in times to come. Because the old world is falling apart, and the crises that initiate the journey are converging upon us. Soon many people will follow the paths we have pioneered. Each journey is unique, but all share the same basic dynamics I have described. When you have passed through it, and understood the necessity and rightness of each of its phases, you will be prepared to midwife others through it as well. Your condition, all the years of it, has prepared you for this. It has prepared you to ease the passage of those who will follow. Everything you have gone through, every bit of the despair, has been necessary to forge you into a healer and a guide. The need is great. The time is coming soon.


Hi. The C's have said at least two times that a chemical disorder could be the result of an attack. So, what can we do, what should we do against this kind of attack?


The Living Force
Manuel said:
Hi. The C's have said at least two times that a chemical disorder could be the result of an attack. So, what can we do, what should we do against this kind of attack?

Maybe a chemical imbalance could be the result of attack, but also a chemical imbalance opens the door to attack in the first place, so I think it is pretty clear that a very important thing to do is to take care of your physical body to start with, hence the importance of all the recently posted information about Candida, Magnesium etc in the health section.


Jedi Master
Manuel said:
Hi. The C's have said at least two times that a chemical disorder could be the result of an attack. So, what can we do, what should we do against this kind of attack?

Try to be aware of the mode and means of said attack to close the door. Most of these attacks are psychological. Learn, read, become aware of as much of the psychological material as you can.
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