Z said:
Saša I am still trying to understand what really happened back then.
During our discussions prior to this "experiment" of yours, you seemed to be pretty understanding of all the implications yet you decided to go ahead with it. Therefore it would be helpful if you could explain what was exactly going on through your mind, particularly what were you hoping to achieve with your "channeling".
Hi Z, it's nice to meet you again.
What really happened back then has been something I've been pondering about for quite some time. I have a theory, i.e. a hypothesis that seems quite probable to me with respect to everything that I've observed and heard about my patterns of behaviour and running programs, and deduced about people involved in the "experiment" that summer.
Without going to specifics, although "the devil is in the details" but I think the exact details are not for the open part of the forum, I was fascinated with "psychic" things well before that summer and also for some time after it. At that time I probably thought that I had gained enough knowledge myself and was very confident in my main collaborator due to her "abilities".
However, looking at it from a distance, neither I had the knowledge, in fact I think that some basic stuff was missing, nor the company was adequate for the purpose of the "experiment" as I saw it should had be conducted. As stated in recent K&B videos, finding the right partner can be the main obstacle, i.e. the drawback, for that kind of work.
For me it was, i.e. started as an experiment, a play, kind of the other experiments I had performed on myself before met and being included in the network, many of which didn't go well, but I learned something from them, if nothing at least what not to do again. I wasn't afraid and I probably should have been if I had really comprehended the seriousness of what I was up to experiment with.
When it was already decided to go with the "experiment", I had a principal idea and a plan how to perform it, consisting mainly of imitating what I had read and seen before, with some kind of skepticism and something that at that time I thought was a scientific approach. Unfortunately that was quickly dismissed and overridden, and I just went along with what was going on since then.
Z said:
Also I am puzzled that it was so easy for you to shut out the network completely although at the time you gave the impression of complete understanding of all the concepts, the work of this group is based on.
It wasn't. I had to fight against the urge and impulse to come here and write. But I stayed there all that time and was helped, maybe even guided, in that fight. By letting that happen, i.e. by choosing to fight against the network, due to several probable reasons ("wanna help" program, self-importance being inflated, some financial benefit that was promised for my help in their problems), I had fallen into the grip of the "dynamic". I basically sold and submitted myself to other people thinking and guiding.
It took me more than half a year and entering into relationship, of another already seen and been into dynamic, but much more pronounced in that aspect, to break the grip. In reality, I had just jumped from one to another, while nothing had really changed.
And now, more than two years since that summer, I'm here. Certainly, it would be much easier and less painful that I didn't do what I had done, but I think that for me there was no other way to get from there to here than the path I've been walking on.
