Saša said:
Eärwen said:
Dear members of the forum,
[...]
Eärwen/Ljubica
Nice to see you back here Eärwen.
Hope to hear a bit more about the endeavour and lessons you encountered during these past four years, and looking forward to interacting/networking with you again.
And please accept my apologies for not being "firmer" and more reasonable/responsible, and saying NO to our "whims", when our reasoning/mind got caught into negative loops/feedbacks and my ego/self-importance got to run the show back then in summer 2011.
Welcome back.
Thank you Saša for your kind words. I'll be more than happy to explain whatever I learned up to now, but I think it is better to figure out, with you guys how to battle with the rest of my mind garbage and the biggest obstacles. Of course if you don't mind.
Apologies accepted, although in retrospect, I think I was in much bigger mess, and it is I who should say - please forgive me for everything, especially for blindness, arrogance, ignorance, wild goose chase and of course for ego beyond control.
My biggest problem right now is making ballast between feeling and rationalization and clear head perception.
Most of the time I am insecure because of feelings like: confusion, feeling of not having enough time (in order to bring in life projects of producing organic tobacco and goats & chicken farm), or strong attacks of guilt and remorse for things I have done years ago.
For over a year I worked for Croatian post, it was promissed to me I will have constant job, and I thought this will be excellent idea, but few months ago, post got trough extremely large cuts and reorganization, and suddenly I was a member of totally different company who cares only for the revenue and profit. From that time I was in a certain void because post decided only workers with the biggest revenue will receive permanent employment. That was a really big shock since I got position in two little local posts with customers with no needs for products post was offering. I needed this job although was poorly paid and although working in two post office take time and it is a big responsibility with travel cost that minimized my salary, but I taught I will stay because I wanted to take responsibility over apartment mortgage (which is for now a responsibility of my husband), with the time it was clear I newer will have permanent job, although I have to work 2-3 hours more than written in the contract.
During that time I was consumed with feeling of not being enough good for the post and after we gained new OS on old post computers it was really hard to do the normal chores without additional revenue projects. Day after day we had glitches, minuses, power black outs, and of course there was high tourist season, and no one could directly help me since first IT office is in Dubrovnik.
Working from early morning to the late afternoon is not a big issue, but post supposed to pay me for extra hours, like last summer, on the end I found out that new contract is not covering these problems and it was clear I did all the hours extra for free. At that time it was really bad with pop up programs and depressions because I have had high hopes in post manager promise to gain permanent job.
To make long story short, I found out I will never receive permanent job and that lady on long sick leave is coming back to the post.
At that time I had two possibilities, to allow my ego to burst up or to try to go from the post without negative programs running. Boy it was hard, especially after I found out everyone knew the job deal in the post except myself. So I send long letter to my manager, asking what could be done, she offered me same position in post 50 kilometers away. That was even worst thing because oil prices are scary in Croatia and because I was driving to and back from the work with Dakota's car.
So I decided to start to work on something that I like instead on something I was having false hopes and high expectations. That was the last lesson I learned, and it was extremely bad because whenever you have high stakes on something out of your control that banged on my mind like tons of stones.
From the time I was in FOTCM we had idea of making goat's farms, for the meat and cheese production (for tourists not us members) and that was one of things strongly attached to my heart. Living outside with animals everyday is not such a bad idea especially when taking in account meat prices and poor quality of meat in Croatia. After all we are going down the spiral of economic colapse and if something is clever enough that is investment in producing own food.
So after a good talk to myself and presenting initial plan to my parents and Dakota (a member of our extended family), we come to conclusion it is rational idea that could come to life although with no revenue for the first year (except milk and cheese for people who eat such things), and first batch of organic tobacco we'll have in late summer 2016.
And now I'm fighting with programs of feeling doubt in myself and my own possibilities and of course of having not enough time to bring everything in to life. Of course I'm aware these are programs, and the most important thing is a sincere wish and good organization and of course 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration.
I will gladly notify you guys how I'm dealing with day to day programs and biases in my mind and of course how the farm is advancing.
PS: In Croatia is the easiest way to open OPG or "obiteljsko poljoprivredno gospodarstvo" (family agricultural household), and the taxes are smallest for these endeavor. We'll start with half a dozen Boer goats and couple of Alpine goats, and we are still thinking about having small Illyrian cow "Buša" because it is protected by the law and government is giving away some money for their farming. We managed to get some organic seeds of golden Virginia, Cuban and Burley tobacco and now we are waiting for the fall to start to work on OPG. If you guys have some nice idea for the name of the OPG, please say it because Dakota and myself are having only ideas connected to Cassiopeia, and that would be kind a funny. :)
Sorry for making such a big post, I am aware that I have long road in front of me to clean all the garbage in my mind, but I'm sure with your assistance I have big chance to succeed. Thank you all.
