Interesting thread, thanks Joe.
What I'm about to say is something that has been sneaking up on me for a while, it's not because I want to be cynical or just viscerally vent, it's thoughts and feelings that I've been carrying around for quite some time. Thoughts when I see the same move in the world over and over again, everything repeats itself, both in my personal life and in world events. Nowadays I can approach them with more serenity and if they become very persistent, I try to change the thought pattern or just laugh, because there is no other way, it's to laugh or burst out. Especially because it is interesting to know how an old thought about a bad experience can be easily replaced by a new one about a bad experience, just because of the importance we give it and one realizes "oh wow, if that's how easily they were exchanged, then why don't I just replace the two and discard them and get rid of this annoyance? to substitute one problem for another, then the first one really wasn't and therefore none of them are... curious and interesting our insolite mind.
I feel dirty, I feel treacherous with myself, with my path, with my decision, with my "real nature" or the path I know I should follow and I keep tracting/excusing/procrastinating, etc. over and over again. I keep putting off the decision I know I have to make because I can't get over the absurd buffers I know I can get over them because I understand and not at the same time this cosmic game of just "learning and learning and learning" but for what? to know that if I decide to make a decision and I do the opposite it's because "this is how it should be to learn, to learn and enterder for what? for whom?, I do not feel "free", I feel chained to two polarities, to two dualities without being able to detach myself from both as if it were some "cosmic political party" and I feel that I am still chained to being just a cumulus/vehicle of experience for something "greater" be it god, be it the seventh density or whatever because at the same time it has to be satisfied that "it still escapes my understanding until I arrive, if I arrive at the 4th density, 5th, or whatever... it bothers me to understand it and not understand it at the same time. It bothers me to know that I would get this far and still not know why, as if some part of me has already written my script without giving it my approval, as if I were debating between my materialistic, characteristic of the 3rd density and objective at the same time of what I know there is more that I must achieve.
But still, always being able to help others but not myself and at the same time I feel like I'm digging my own grave.
I have had very good health even when I have tried to succumb to my weakness and abused it, something in me still insists on going on and on, what should I witness? what should I be a witness to? I have really had very good health, I have chosen a good body that I have abused and it has not declined. But he won't last forever so I have to take care of him. Sometimes I feel tired of all this world game of "as is up is down" and just comfort myself with a "enjoy the show"... I feel like I want to kick everyone's ass "up there" and yet, fu**** part of me can understand it... ¿Why?
![Woozy face :woozy_face: 🥴](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f974.png)
![Woozy face :woozy_face: 🥴](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f974.png)
I've tried to leave the forum and forget about all this and I can't... at some point again when detecting something in "reality" i'm coming back and I'm coming back... I am not me, I feel divided between "being and not being" for me. There is a battle in me that has become stronger and stronger and I just want to send them to the devil, to the devil to god or whatever.
And I've seen "UFOs", i remember my first abduction and monitoring, I've already seen ghosts, and etc. etc. etc... I'm almost dying to see almost a close encounter, I'm tired that if it's not real then I have to vary the diet to know if it's an organic imbalance or not because for the only people at the same time I can be an attack vector... because it seems that only I can witness it even when other people are there... I'm sick of all this, but that "you get it" pimple... it's still there...
I'm not the kind of person who has fits of "these things" for dreams... at first, yes, like everyone else, when reading the material... smells, dreams, sensations, etc... but they always presented themselves to me from an early age physically. So the attack is mostly through me and close ones, and it is more arduous in some cases because it happens obviously in the form of involuntary and reactionary thoughts or emotions and has been increasing along with understanding.
I hate that our loved ones are a means of entertainment and nourishment for some and an equal means of learning through suffering for others in other densities... i feel like anakin, like Perseus and all that symbolism of what disavows these "gods" and those who pretend to be such and those who say not to idolize them but still seem like twisted indifferent accomplices of seeing us suffer because we have to settle for a "without suffering there is no consciousness, they are not ready to understand it"... the god of high density is twisted because he is the image and likeness of the predatory mind but I still feel sometimes with the cass and with the lizards or whatever very fed up with all this.
And yet, another part of me gets it... am I crazy?
![Face with diagonal mouth :face_with_diagonal_mouth: 🫤](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1fae4.png)
Oh! feeling crazy is part of the attack/learning and I must endure... again and as often as necessary...
It's like being stuck in not going back to what was, but not out of fear or regret, because really when looking "back" despite all this confusion and mirror that I present to you, it has been an incredible journey really and that's why at the same time I don't want to stop discovering but at the same time I don't feel that I do it for my own learning really, but I do it because of the accumulation of experiences that directs me to one of the two resonances that we know from this density, STS and STO.