How Not To Be

[anothermagyar]

I think Psyche is very courageous and all the people who is giving mirror also. Myself I am a very shy person and I don't talk very much about my problems that's why I think that all people who accept to be mirrored are extremely courageous. And their courage is a lesson, for everybody.

I try to never judge someone in any circumstances because judging someone is always projecting. I do this exercise every day, with everyone I meet. In this forum also. We are all humans beings trying to grow, everyone at their rhythm. Some are like turtles, like me. But what I learn is that when someone is mirrored I am in this mirror also. Thanks!

Just like Mrs. Tigersoap I have to second that!

Loreta you speaking from my heart! Thank you!

You see, it comes down to the fact that you do a disservice to people when you project all sorts of unrealistic qualities on to them. I know - I deal with people's expectations every time people meet me for the first time in "real life". In my case, most people expect me to be some harsh taskmaster and I've lost count of the number of times people have said, "wow, you're so nice!!" as if there is any reason that I wouldn't be. All of us here are human beings - with all that entails - when you start thinking we're not you not only do us a disservice, you do yourself a disservice because the true genius behind everything we do here is that humanity. All of us, including you, are normal human beings doing the best we can and we couldn't do it without each other. Once that really sinks in, you realize that it's up to you to do the best you can because if other normal humans can do it, so can you, if you so choose. It's all in the choosing, though. fwiw.

This to me is absolutely spot on and an essential understanding, thank you for this Anart. :)

I second that, too!

When we first met anart I was so excited about it like a kid under the Christmas tree!
The moment came and I felt this great energy, warmth from you plus a big smile! :D

Thank you being you.

 

[theos]

We are all humans beings trying to grow, everyone at their rhythm. Some are like turtles, like me. But what I learn is that when someone is mirrored I am in this mirror also. Thanks!

My thoughts exactly. A mirror for one is a mirror for all.

Definitely!

This prompted some thought for me. Yes, we can all benefit from others being mirrored but there is surely something special about having a mirror perfectly tailored for you...lest we fall into the trap of thinking that we can do the work on ourselves just by seeing other people being mirrored whilst we keep our own issues to ourselves. I'm not directing this at anyone specifically or maybe I'm just directing it at myself. It just popped into my head.

I hope this makes sense. (And I like using the word "whilst".)

 

[knowledge_of_self]

I have made a few observations about my post and the following advice I received.

First, I want to say that I'm very embarrassed for bringing this issue up, but I don't think it's ME that's embarrassed but I think it's my predator who doesn't want to be caught and it somewhat has been. I like that it has been caught because that means I can better myself by trying to get rid of it (or lessen its power since you can't ever fully get rid of it osit), but it's still there and therefore this is still difficult.

Okay now onto some observations:

On the night that I read this thread, I also read the Anabel Marin thread and right after it was so late I decided to go straight to bed. When I went to bed I had an extremely vivid short dream that caused me to wake up immediately. The dream was of a giant grizzly bear clawing angrily at the fence of our house, but not from the outside of the fence, from the inside - trying to get out. Later, I read some meanings about bear dreams, and one stated:

Sometimes said to represent a possessive mother, and the feelings this has aroused. But in many cases the bear will represent a meeting with dangerous emotions such as anger or being easily aroused. There might also be associations with independence, or strength.

So after reading that and then reading your response anart saying:

I guess I just didn't get or give a good first impression in our interaction on that day. I later shrugged it off as me being stupid and probably seeing something that was not there because she was a mod and lived at the Chateau. I have since read a lot more including this:

I don't think you shrugged it off, I think you held quite tightly onto it until you could unleash it here.

This struck me really hard. That I had held on to some sort of ill-feeling/anger for that long is shocking, but there it was! And I think that it also manifested itself in my dream of the bear prior to my post.

It's one thing to be excited about spending time with people and it's an entirely different thing to project all sorts of fantastical nonsense onto people. When you do that, you really aren't even paying attention to the real human being they are - they don't exist for you, only this image you have of them exists and it really, really sells them short.

I agree with you anart. And I have tried many times not to do this not just on the forum but in real life as well. But I have to admit, that it has been a hard one for me to get over. The "expectations program". For instance, while dealing with certain people, I try to remind myself not to put too much expectations on them as they are more or less still "asleep" and more mechanical because they are not doing the Work. And when you put a very high expectation of people, that sets you both up for a fall when they don't achieve your "standards". I don't want to think that way, or at least I try my best not to. But it's a working progress... it helps to talk about it and get feedback as you have given.

A person I did that to for a long time was my own mom. I always had such a high expectation of her as "my mother" that when she did things (like being passive aggressive) that didn't fit that expectation, I would basically demonize her. I didn't realize she was just running programs, I just kept thinking she should know better because she's my mom and so we'd have all these problems. But when I stopped putting so much of a high expectation on her, we stopped fighting as much and we're doing a lot better in our relationship together. I'm not sure if that makes sense..

I've also thought long and hard about my own lack of external consideration in this situation and it's pretty bad... I'm sorry for that. All I can say is thank you for pointing it out to me and I'll work on it more.

 

[anart]

But I have to admit, that it has been a hard one for me to get over. The "expectations program". For instance, while dealing with certain people, I try to remind myself not to put too much expectations on them as they are more or less still "asleep" and more mechanical because they are not doing the Work. And when you put a very high expectation of people, that sets you both up for a fall when they don't achieve your "standards". I don't want to think that way, or at least I try my best not to. But it's a working progress... it helps to talk about it and get feedback as you have given.

One thing that can be really effective in stopping the "idol/demon" dynamic you create when you have unrealistic expectations of people is to constantly imagine what it would feel like if they had the same thoughts about you. Really think about that. What if everyone you met expected you to be "just so" and if you weren't exactly how they imagined you to be, they'd hold it against you to the point of anger. Really put yourself in that position and feel it. If you can do that, you'll quickly stop doing it to others because you'll realize how unpleasant it is to be on the other end.

 

[mabar]

Note: Hadn't read the hole thread, although it grasped my attention these last posts:

... I always had such a high expectation of her as "my mother" that when she did things (like being passive aggressive) that didn't fit that expectation, I would basically demonize her. I didn't realize she was just running programs, I just kept thinking she should know better because she's my mom and so we'd have all these problems. But when I stopped putting so much of a high expectation on her, we stopped fighting as much and we're doing a lot better in our relationship together. I'm not sure if that makes sense…

It makes sense to me, observing my programs had lead me to observe my parent's programs as well. And it had helped me to understand and to not get angry, so my relationship with them had improved. Of curse, there are many programs to discover/acknowledge at both sides. At least from my perspective, I may be able to remember in time my programs –in most occasions had been in retrospective- but I cannot expect the others –in this case, my parents- would do the same.

But I have to admit, that it has been a hard one for me to get over. The "expectations program". For instance, while dealing with certain people, I try to remind myself not to put too much expectations on them as they are more or less still "asleep" and more mechanical because they are not doing the Work. And when you put a very high expectation of people, that sets you both up for a fall when they don't achieve your "standards". I don't want to think that way, or at least I try my best not to. But it's a working progress... it helps to talk about it and get feedback as you have given.

One thing that can be really effective in stopping the "idol/demon" dynamic you create when you have unrealistic expectations of people is to constantly imagine what it would feel like if they had the same thoughts about you. Really think about that. What if everyone you met expected you to be "just so" and if you weren't exactly how they imagined you to be, they'd hold it against you to the point of anger. Really put yourself in that position and feel it. If you can do that, you'll quickly stop doing it to others because you'll realize how unpleasant it is to be on the other end.

I think I have been in that “other end”, it is unpleasant. But now that I am thinking about it, I am not sure or sure if it is another program. I tend to not … I do not like people “get ideas” about myself, so I cut off with a single stroke “their supposed generating ideas, they might be getting from me” so they don't get too enthusiastic? Because, I may not be able to respond from what they may be expecting from me.

 

[Aiming]

But I have to admit, that it has been a hard one for me to get over. The "expectations program". For instance, while dealing with certain people, I try to remind myself not to put too much expectations on them as they are more or less still "asleep" and more mechanical because they are not doing the Work. And when you put a very high expectation of people, that sets you both up for a fall when they don't achieve your "standards". I don't want to think that way, or at least I try my best not to. But it's a working progress... it helps to talk about it and get feedback as you have given.

One thing that can be really effective in stopping the "idol/demon" dynamic you create when you have unrealistic expectations of people is to constantly imagine what it would feel like if they had the same thoughts about you. Really think about that. What if everyone you met expected you to be "just so" and if you weren't exactly how they imagined you to be, they'd hold it against you to the point of anger. Really put yourself in that position and feel it. If you can do that, you'll quickly stop doing it to others because you'll realize how unpleasant it is to be on the other end.

I think I have been in that “other end”, it is unpleasant.

A few months back I had a specific experience that has come to mind when reading this. A coworker had a crush on me. I could see that he couldn't see me for who I am, and how he had images of me and expectations/hopes, which was the base he was acting from towards me. But that wasn't all. For some time, I'd felt his 'energetic presence' even when he wasn't around, as if, on an energetic level, he had attached on to me (and based on illusions!), and it felt very intrusive and very unpleasant, as if he had crossed a boundary and acted against my 'free will'. In real life, he didn't seem to notice my subtle distancing behaviour (how to remain friendly but distant at the same time, was my issue here), so I increased it to a more blunt level (via actions). Well, I'm not sure how much my own state of 'being' allowed for an energetically felt intrusion of this kind, but experiencing this specific situation brought home how I myself have acted in this way many times in my life, and being totally oblivious to what it does to the person at the receiving end. And another thing that occured to me was how this unpleasant effect from somebody projecting something onto you, i.e. attaching an image onto you based on an illusion/a lie is being perceived as even more unpleasant if the 'receiving' person is especially sensitive to such things. That gave me a lot to think about in terms of my own actions.

Fwiw.

 

[anothermagyar]

We are all humans beings trying to grow, everyone at their rhythm. Some are like turtles, like me. But what I learn is that when someone is mirrored I am in this mirror also. Thanks!

My thoughts exactly. A mirror for one is a mirror for all.

Definitely!

This prompted some thought for me. Yes, we can all benefit from others being mirrored but there is surely something special about having a mirror perfectly tailored for you...lest we fall into the trap of thinking that we can do the work on ourselves just by seeing other people being mirrored whilst we keep our own issues to ourselves. I'm not directing this at anyone specifically or maybe I'm just directing it at myself. It just popped into my head.

I hope this makes sense. (And I like using the word "whilst".)

Absolutely! I'll second that!

 

[Gaby]

And another thing that occured to me was how this unpleasant effect from somebody projecting something onto you, i.e. attaching an image onto you based on an illusion/a lie is being perceived as even more unpleasant if the 'receiving' person is especially sensitive to such things.

Another variety of the program that I had run throughout my life is the one mentioned in The Narcissistic Family:

What is more common for adults raised in narcissistic families, however, is the underuse of power. These individuals have a hard time with the concept that to underuse or refuse to use the power that one legitimately has is also to abuse that power. Narcissistic survivors are particularly susceptible to this condition because (1) their task-oriented world view (I do, therefore I am) makes them good workers, likely to achieve success in their field of endeavor, and (2)
their low self-esteem and lack of essential trust make it difficult for them to accept the reality of their powerfulness. One cannot use power that one does not know-or refuses to accept-one has. But to refuse to recognize one's power is also inherently to abuse it. The difficulty to accept and use power appropriately can run deep in these individuals.

Since they have been well trained in their narcissistic families of origin to be reflective and reactive, they tend
to be people pleasers. This need for acceptance frequently masks itself as a sort of hyperdemocracy: I cannot make a decision (or issue a judgment, or cut off discussion) because I must be fair to everyone.

Translation: I am afraid someone will not approve of me. This indecisiveness masquerading as "fairness" is abuse of power, and it is sensed and resented by those whom it affects. Power carries on its back responsibility; the willingness to use the power appropriately and the integrity to stand behind the ultimate decisions that power implies are what this responsibility is all about. Failure to follow through in either area is abusive to those dependent on the one with the power.

For instance, let us go back to the committee described above. This time, however, the chairperson is a nice guy. He wants to make sure that everyone gets to have his say, that all decisions are popular, and that everyone feels good. The meetings last interminably, because he refuses to limit discussion; there can never be decisions, because everybody does not agree; and the meetings are horrendous, because the members with an axe to grind dominate the proceedings. The chairperson is refusing to use his power, and everyone feels the abusive effects. Then, when the committee members either complain, resign, or revolt, he throws up his hands. . . Sound familiar? The underuse of power ends up feeling the same for these individuals as the overuse of power did: they feel like they just cannot get it right.

 

[Gaby]

As a result of his experiments he concluded that imitation was a real evil that had to be broken before real rhetoric teaching could begin. This imitation seemed to be an external compulsion. Little children didn't have it. It seemed to come later on, possibly as a result of school itself.

That sounded right, and the more he thought about it the more right it sounded. Schools teach you to imitate. If you don't imitate what the teacher wants you get a bad grade. Here, in college, it was more sophisticated, of course; you were supposed to imitate the teacher in such a way as to convince the teacher you were not imitating, but taking the essence of the instruction and going ahead with it on your own. That got you A's.

Originality on the other hand could get you anything...from A to F. The whole grading system cautioned against it.

He discussed this with a professor of psychology who lived next door to him, an extremely imaginative teacher, who said, ``Right. Eliminate the whole degree-and-grading system and then you'll get real education.''

That sounds about right and a good analogy of entropic programs Vs true creativity. The school system and by default, the entire system, encourages Authoritarian Follower mindsets. I can resonate with the girl in this story, so programmed, and this network being the benevolent teacher helping her to get to see what is right in front of her.

Yes, I guess I should watch the all or nothing thinking. But I think I have a tendency to use things like 'strategic enclosure' and 'not rocking the boat' as justifications for passivity and sleep. My System 2 is quite good at using Work lingo to make justifications for the actions, or inactions, of System 1 at this point.

Context is everything, of course, but I definitey have a tendency towards inaction, even when I should act. I guess this is where discernment comes in - knowing when to act and when to hold back (but always active).

I see you as very social and a great writer and it would be very sad to see the blockage program get the best of your potential. So I'm glad you are reaching out through this process. :)

What you just wrote above is something I could have written myself for my own particular situation these last few days. Learning to give each thing its due is quite a lesson indeed.

I was thinking about it like a good dog that Psyche has been, trying to do the biding of its master. If the master happened to be a not so benevolent one, then too bad for the good doggie who only wanted to love and please, trusting his master and being faithful to him all the time. Then the master, like the Evil Magician that Gurdjieff described, gives a few bones to support the illusion of "you're being a good doggie". In reality, I've been a good Authoritarian follower, consenting to the illusion for the lack of courage or the fear of being abandoned or hungry. Like Stockholm's syndrome.

All of this came to mind as I read "The Last Hour of Life", where Gurdjieff or whoever wrote the piece (presumably it was one of his students) asked: "Who would be in trouble if you were to die like a dog?"

Well for one, I could think about the lives in the receiving end of the evil Master - Palestinians for one, as they are suffering and dying right now. Alone and desolated from those who were supposed to care.

I think it comes down to what V said, "I didn't came here for what you intended to do, I came here for what you did (or did not)", or words to that effect.

So upwards and onwards we go, deprogramming ourselves. A whole lot of people would be in trouble if we do not debug ourselves.

 

[anart]

Re: Re:How Not to Be

What you just wrote above is something I could have written myself for my own particular situation these last few days. Learning to give each thing its due is quite a lesson indeed.

I was thinking about it like a good dog that Psyche has been, trying to do the biding of its master. If the master happened to be a not so benevolent one, then too bad for the good doggie who only wanted to love and please, trusting his master and being faithful to him all the time. Then the master, like the Evil Magician that Gurdjieff described, gives a few bones to support the illusion of "you're being a good doggie". In reality, I've been a good Authoritarian follower, consenting to the illusion for the lack of courage or the fear of being abandoned or hungry. Like Stockholm's syndrome.

Hi Psyche, just in case you might not have noticed, you're slipping into the "poor me" and blaming of others again in what you've written above. The reality is that this is your life and the decisions you've made have been your own. Yes, some may have been made out of ignorance but portraying yourself as trying to be a "good doggie" is rather pity evoking and not quite putting the onus of responsibility where it belongs - on you. You also seem to have taken dugdeep's thread to talk about yourself.

All of this came to mind as I read "The Last Hour of Life", where Gurdjieff or whoever wrote the piece (presumably it was one of his students) asked: "Who would be in trouble if you were to die like a dog?"

Well for one, I could think about the lives in the receiving end of the evil Master - Palestinians for one, as they are suffering and dying right now. Alone and desolated from those who were supposed to care.

I think it comes down to what V said, "I didn't came here for what you intended to do, I came here for what you did (or did not)", or words to that effect.

So upwards and onwards we go, deprogramming ourselves. A whole lot of people would be in trouble if we do not debug ourselves.

I apologize, but I'm not quite following your train of thought on the above or how it relates to this thread, but I think I'm missing something, so could you elaborate?

 

[Gaby]

Re: Re:How Not to Be

I apologize, but I'm not quite following your train of thought on the above or how it relates to this thread, but I think I'm missing something, so could you elaborate?

Yes, I will like to do it. Perhaps we can move these posts to "How Not To Be" to the thread.

I don't know how to begin. I've been following closely the massacre that is going on right now in Gaza. The simplest way to put it, is, that I read Chaos and Consent: The Logistics of the One World Government just the day before yesterday, where a big chunk of what was mirrored to me in the How Not To Be thread was quoted. That is basically what happened. I was seeking how to be honest about that here in the forum, realizing I had no clue how to do it.

In each individual case the process of becoming a Nazi showed the unmistakable symptoms of nervous collapse.

The simplest and, if you looked deeper, nearly always the most basic reason was fear. Join the thugs to avoid being beaten up.[...]

The only thing that is missing is what in animals is called 'breeding'. This is a solid inner kernel that cannot be shaken by external pressures and forces, something noble and steely, a reserve of pride, principle and dignity to be drawn on in the hour of trial. It is missing in the Germans. As a nation they are soft, unreliable and without backbone. That was shown in March 1933. At the moment of truth, when other nations rise spontaneously to the occasion, the Germans collectively and limply collapsed. They yielded and capitulated, and suffered a nervous breakdown.

The result of this million-fold nervous breakdown is the unified nation, ready for anything, that is today the nightmare of the rest of the world. (Sebastian Haffner, Defying Hitler, excerpts)

During happy times of peace and social injustice, children of the privileged classes learn to repress from their field of consciousness any of those uncomfortable concepts suggesting that they and their parents benefit from injustice. Young people learn to disqualify the moral and mental values of anyone whose work they are using to over-advantage. Young minds thus ingest habits of subconscious selection and substitution of data, which leads to a hysterical conversion economy of reasoning. They grow up to be somewhat hysterical adults who, by means of the ways adduced above, thereupon transmit their hysteria to the younger generation, which then develops these characteristics to a greater degree. The hysterical patterns for experience and behavior grow and spread downwards from the privileged classes until crossing the boundary of the first criterion of ponerology.

[The atrophy of natural critical faculties with respect to pathological individuals becomes an opening to their activities, and, at the same time, a criterion for recognizing the association in concern as ponerogenic. Let us call this the first criterion of ponerogenesis.]

When the habits of subconscious selection and substitution of thought-data spread to the macro-social level, a society tends to develop contempt for factual criticism and to humiliate anyone sounding an alarm. Contempt is also shown for other nations which have maintained normal thought-patterns and for their opinions. Egotistic thought-terrorization is accomplished by the society itself and its processes of conversive thinking. This obviates the need for censorship of the press, theater, or broadcasting, as a pathologically hypersensitive censor lives within the citizens themselves.

When three "egos" govern, egoism, egotism, and egocentrism, the feeling of social links and responsibility disappear, and the society in question splinters into groups ever more hostile to each other. When a hysterical environment stops differentiating the opinions of limited, not-quite-normal people from those of normal, reasonable persons, this opens the door for activation of the pathological factors ... (Andrew Lobaczewski, Political Ponerology)

Let's keep in mind that the entire German people were held responsible for the acts of the Nazis. This, of course, begs the question as to why it is now considered morally reprehensible for the Jews to be held responsible for the actions of the Zionist government against the Palestinians or for the American government to be held responsible for the destruction of Iraq or Afghanistan or Libya or countless other countries that have been destroyed by US governments and the deaths of millions of people, or the British government to be guilty of their crimes of Empire all over the planet, and on and on. On one hand, it is clear that those people who lack adequate psychological knowledge become the victims of psychopaths everywhere, whether Jew, Arab, Gentile or Hottentot, but on the other hand, there IS that thing Sebastian Haffner called "breeding".

This is a solid inner kernel that cannot be shaken by external pressures and forces, something noble and steely, a reserve of pride, principle and dignity to be drawn on in the hour of trial. It is missing in the Germans. As a nation they are soft, unreliable and without backbone. That was shown in March 1933. At the moment of truth, when other nations rise spontaneously to the occasion, the Germans collectively and limply collapsed. They yielded and capitulated, and suffered a nervous breakdown. (Haffner)

Frau Kraus didn't have this "breeding".

I still have the image in my mind of Frau Kraus as we left her, after the interview, standing in the cobbled town square of Würzburg; a profoundly unexceptional figure and thus a deeply troubling one. If you want to believe there is a difference in kind between those who may have aided the Nazi regime and those who definitely did not, then a meeting with Frau Kraus is a shocking one, for in all respects, other than the denunciation signed with her name that lies in the Gestapo file, she appears an ordinary, decent woman - some­one who kindly enquired how old my children were and where we planned to go for our holidays. (The Nazis: A Warning From History)

In the Chaos of today, have YOU consented to atrocity? Or, do you have "breeding"?

How many Frau Kraus' are there today in America, Europe or around the world? Unassuming, ordinary people yet whose minds have been softened by subconscious selection and substitution, a sense of entitlement to the lifestyle supported by the suffering of others, infected by years of a psychopathic "morality" leaving them supremely susceptible to the type of organised hysteria that led Frau Kraus to condemn her neighbor, an innocent woman, to death 65 years ago in Germany. Are there such people among your friends, your family members? More importantly, is there one when you look in the mirror?

I read the article and downloaded "The Nazis: A Warning From History" so I could watch it this weekend. Then, I had a 24 hour shift and lots of errands to do the morning after (this morning) so I could change my home address. I failed myself in slipping in some carbs through the shift and pity thoughts lurked in. Instead of putting things into perspective, I came here and saw this thread and posted the above.

I've been thinking about it in terms of "soul smashing" excerpts from the C's session that I posted here:

Re: Israeli attack on Gaza
http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,29692.msg382036.html#msg382036

I checked the date of re-publication of the "Chaos and Consent: The Logistics of the One World Government" article and it says Fri, 03 Feb 2012 00:43 CST

And I ask myself, how on Earth did I missed it?

 

[anart]

Okay, I merged your latest posts to this thread so it's a bit more on-topic.

 

[Gaby]

I would like to be more open of what I go through and do, and I would like to be able to share this for fine tuning the reading instrument or FWIW. It feels like a lot has happened since this mirror, yet it feels like it was just yesterday. I've been constantly busy processing information in a new light, having ups and downs and I've applied consistent efforts in remembering myself, building up strength a little at a time in order to assimilate the next bit of information and on it goes.

When Muxel asked me to read something in another thread towards the end of the mirror, it helped me to finally "snap out" of the drama and things progressively came into perspective by the time I was writing this post. Clearly there was someone in me who could look at all the drama as a foreign installation since that part of me was very clear headed. The last time I had that sensation was on a couple of occasions 6 years ago. And before those events, it was on a few occasions while I was reading ISOTM in 2004-2005 and on a few accidental occasions when I was growing up and on my late teens.

I spent an entire day in that state and as life proceeded, I tried to remember myself and look at everything and not having any thought going through my head spinning reality for me. It was all very clear. On the 15th of October, upon waking up, I had the clear thought that I should observe the facts, my actions throughout the day, what I did, my behavior to see if I was right on track. "Results is what counts".

As events unfolded, emotions and reality spinning flared-up again, but at least I was not hyper hysterical. Just average hysterical if that makes any sense. For example, I ended up creating a document called "The Living Mirror" which has 468 pages, mainly posts from this thread, but others as well that seem relevant and applicable. During the first month, it was still very difficult to re-read some of the stuff that was said over the mirror. So I decided to take baby steps and build up my strength. I re-read Laura's post about "To A Louse On seeing one on a Lady's bonnet at Church" and other relevant material as I tried to assimilate and allow the feedback to sink in. I had pushed forward and achieved that clarity of mind or self-observation, regardless of what I was doing with varying degrees of success and failure depending on the circumstances.

Then on the 30th of October, a dead bird appeared on the light fixture which is embedded on the kitchen ceiling. How on earth did it got there, I don't know. Apparently, it made its way through a teensy hole against all odds. It was an omen if I ever saw one. Not having a clue of what it meant, I decided that an I-Ching might help clarify its meaning. It said Hexagram 55 Abundance [Fullness] (_http://deoxy.org/iching/55): " Clarity (Li) within makes it possible to investigate the facts exactly, and shock (Chên) without ensures a strict and precise carrying out of punishments." I admit I haven't thought much about it, although it felt pretty ominous. I was feeling pretty rough that morning and as I turned on the light, it started flickering, so I looked up and there it was: a dead bird.

Throughout this time, my mother went quite hysterical herself and had the idea that I turned out evil or something among the lines. She contacted the entire family to inquire about me and she sent me a dozen messages. As it turned out, I was busy at that time reviewing our "loving" dynamic through Unholy Hungers and was also very busy attending the career tasks that she very much feared I left. I decided it was time to cut out my relationship with her indefinitely. That alone has helped me enormously to process more information without the guilt trips, must do, should do, bad girl, you are good for nothing, ungrateful being, and so forth feelings. I also decided to cut out relationships with all my family since so far, they have only contacted me on my mother's behalf. So being "alone" has had an interesting side to it. Like, oh, how interesting, my life is for me to live now.

I can see my System 2 spinning out plans to deal with the horror of our reality and my own personal "your life is a mirror of what you are." Without going into details, for now, I simply decided to take notes again during the day of what I'm seeing. I'm going to write about it some more. When I have patients of my own, I don't have any specific plans, I just do what I see as right to do at that specific moment. Some patients had ended up crying and saying that they were touched for what I said, others have taken notes of things to research over the net and others had asked me how they can contact me again so they can give feedback if my advice really worked out or not. For the most part people are just grateful that they were treated in a human way. That I didn't expect. As far as I know, I just go and interact with people without feeling hysterical and that's it.

I have been able to read some of the feedback of the mirror again without shying away. I have to admit that I only really understood this post Laura wrote during the last few days. I hope to read all 468 pages again with the perspective that you all offered. Right now, I am on The Wave journey which is the one thing that has helped the most. The last time I read it was in 2003-2004 and now as I make my way through it slowly but surely, it seems I missed the whole point of those series back then. Sometimes it takes a life of its own, for instance, when reading about predatory essence and how it eats children in alternate realities, then suddenly a bunch of articles about pedophilic networks and ritual abuse appear on a sott page (.fr, .net etc). So it has definitely not been easy.

I have been able to read through things that I was never truly able to read before because of my denseness and/or hysteria. Like "Love, Reality and the Time of Transition", I started watching it over the Summer and I just couldn't do it without falling into tears. So I stopped after 20 minutes. Now I just read the transcript yesterday, slowly, but at least understanding why I was unable to go through it. I was just unwilling to accept how far away I was from any resemblance of real love!

Last night, after reading Laura's explanations of PotS on Soul Hackers, I realized that I needed a slight variation of how to do PotS in order to really focus. I'm more kinesthetic/visual and I am pretty bad with the auditory part. So I added elements of complexity and I meditated in a more focused way for the first time in ages. At some point I came back and realized I was way too sleepy and rolled over and went to sleep. I woke up like at 4 am which is very unusual for me with the following dream fresh in my mind:

I was in a seashore during Greek classical times. We (I didn't knew the others in real life) were all dressed according to the epoch. A man was taking care of our boat because it was time to go inside a building and do something. I looked into the sky before going in and see clouds shaping figures, among them a horse. A second look at the sky reveals that it has darkened and a storm is coming. There are grayish bricks building a wall, closing in the sky. So we go inside and we start to slide down a tunnel/tube made out of smooth rock. It went down and it delivered us through various threads on this forum. At some point between all of this, I'm breathing during my dream quite consciously, dressed up as a classical Greek and there are other people with me. We are breathing and walking in a pattern, going in and out a body of water (sort of like a swimming pool/lake). Then I start to blow and spread my breath with my hand.

It was a little hard to fall asleep after that dream, but I finally did. Then, upon waking up another dream was very clear in my head. This one was about all the feeding dynamic I was involved in my early 20s, lots of superficiality and just plain feeding. As bad as the dream was, I realized I waked up and the constriction in my chest had eased up a couple of notches so to speak. Whether a good or bad omen, at least there is some release.

In my hystericized state, I was never able to grasp how I was for the most part exposed to a lot of pathological material throughout my life and how it applied to me and my concept of "love." But one thing has given me hope and it can be summarized in something Laura said in Soul Hackers: "...I was to understand that my love for my children, as great as it was, was merely a "human" love and could, in no way, equal the love of the Creator for his creation. It gives me hope in the sense that I never felt loved and thus could not be loving, and was unable to admit it in any true way. Right now, "being motherless" feels like the most realistic way things always were. My whole life I had survived by feeding from others in a manipulative way. And that knowledge that I am loved and supported by the Universe gives me somehow the reassurance to finally be able to be something other than all my programming. It is kind of weird, but it brings tears to my eyes to really know that I am loved by the Universe. I didn't knew! Yes, I'm quite dense... But that you all already knew. Me, I was in denial about it.

 

[Windmill knight]

But one thing has given me hope and it can be summarized in something Laura said in Soul Hackers: "...I was to understand that my love for my children, as great as it was, was merely a "human" love and could, in no way, equal the love of the Creator for his creation. It gives me hope in the sense that I never felt loved and thus could not be loving, and was unable to admit it in any true way. Right now, "being motherless" feels like the most realistic way things always were. My whole life I had survived by feeding from others in a manipulative way. And that knowledge that I am loved and supported by the Universe gives me somehow the reassurance to finally be able to be something other than all my programming. It is kind of weird, but it brings tears to my eyes to really know that I am loved by the Universe. I didn't knew! Yes, I'm quite dense... But that you all already knew. Me, I was in denial about it.

Hold on to that thought. In times when I was feeling a lot like you are now, the idea that the Universe loves me, no matter what I do, gave me strength and an anchor when I needed it. It still does. And the proof is that if the Universe didn't love me I would not have been conceived by the DCM and I would not exist. But I do. As one of the multiple manifestations of Creation, I have my own tiny place. So do you. Even if you are 'motherless' or it appears to you that nobody cares or loves you, or you cannot make any difference; even in your loneliness and with all your mistakes, even if you think you are 'bad' or a 'failure', you are still a manifestation of the DCM, and DCM learns something about Herself through you. And as long as you are alive you have the gift of making choices, however small, and through those choices you change who you are, and you are therefore a co-creator of yourself. Furthermore, since this applies to everything and everyone, you are never really alone, even if you are. Isn't that great?

 

[Maat]

But one thing has given me hope and it can be summarized in something Laura said in Soul Hackers: "...I was to understand that my love for my children, as great as it was, was merely a "human" love and could, in no way, equal the love of the Creator for his creation. It gives me hope in the sense that I never felt loved and thus could not be loving, and was unable to admit it in any true way. Right now, "being motherless" feels like the most realistic way things always were. My whole life I had survived by feeding from others in a manipulative way. And that knowledge that I am loved and supported by the Universe gives me somehow the reassurance to finally be able to be something other than all my programming. It is kind of weird, but it brings tears to my eyes to really know that I am loved by the Universe. I didn't knew! Yes, I'm quite dense... But that you all already knew. Me, I was in denial about it.

Hold on to that thought. In times when I was feeling a lot like you are now, the idea that the Universe loves me, no matter what I do, gave me strength and an anchor when I needed it. It still does. And the proof is that if the Universe didn't love me I would not have been conceived by the DCM and I would not exist. But I do. As one of the multiple manifestations of Creation, I have my own tiny place. So do you. Even if you are 'motherless' or it appears to you that nobody cares or loves you, or you cannot make any difference; even in your loneliness and with all your mistakes, even if you think you are 'bad' or a 'failure', you are still a manifestation of the DCM, and DCM learns something about Herself through you. And as long as you are alive you have the gift of making choices, however small, and through those choices you change who you are, and you are therefore a co-creator of yourself. Furthermore, since this applies to everything and everyone, you are never really alone, even if you are. Isn't that great?

In this regard, this all simple song expresses it all, in my opinion. I mention it here just because this just little song often helped me to stop overthinking in a bad way and so on. So, if it could help somebody else, or just give them some minutes of peace... anyway here it is :
_http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvTkTT_Ht80