Must not be doing it right

I think what Gertrudes said about commitment is VERY important. You are imposing your own demands on your partner. Having said that, objectively alcohol is a lot more damaging to health than smoking (even commercial toxic cigarettes, although these are a concern). It seems that you have an anti-smoking program, Menna, and are dictating to your partner based on this mechanical program (a form of brainwashing).

If you do have very negative reactions to the smell of tobacco smoke, and there's anything other than purely psychological to it, you may have a candida overgrowth problem. Tobacco smoke is anti-candida and in many cases with people who have candida overgrowth, it's the candida that is causing the reaction to the tobacco smoke.
 
I am sorry for taking up your time with my petty relationship troubles. This will be my last post about it (I am posting again because I came to a realization) and at the very least hopefully the comments and the threads have helped others bc they have helped me realize that I am posting on this site to look for advice and perspectives and hoping that they support my perspective on the situation. Maybe I have a reassurance program running. Well last night it was midnight and her friend Anthony called (I posted a different thread about this guy and how he called me by her ex bf) so she was talking to him and at the end of the conversation she says "Love you Anthony goodnight" - It is now midnight and the kid was in his bed and I am sitting right there next to her on the couch. That night I came to the realization that the relationship is not for me. If it was just the smoking issue I would find ways to deal/accept/compromise with it because I wouldn't want to cause her hurt because of one issue just because of cigarettes. But I can't continue if im not happy and I am using the cigarets as an exuse to end it trying to find a justification for moving on. Why do I feel like I need that justification? To me her relationship with her friend Anthony is emotional cheating. I believe I am using this forum as a relationship advice forum and I have to stop. Sorry for the disrespect and thank you for listening to me and the advice.

Most of the day I am sad because I know that it is not going to work and I did feel genuine love during the relationship and I always thought that if two people are deep down good people that love would be enough but I apparently have needs and it sickens me.

It is true that we lie to ourselves. But in the end I guess I am not that good of a person because my relationship/love has certain needs that aren’t being met and to be happy in a relationship I need something I can't just continually give and give and give because I guess resentment builds in me. I thought resentment was a negative emotion and those where not true to the self if thats so I would love to find a way to cope or get rid of this I don’t like this about myself. It is hard for me to end a relationship with someone because my own needs aren’t being met to emotionally hurt someone because I am not getting something. That is very STS and I hate it and would like to avoid it at all costs. I told her that her guy friend calling late at night was inappropriate and she said he is my friend he is going to call when he wants I am not going to tell him he can't call me. I have communicated with her I don't know what to do raise my voice and threaten her that I am leaving if this continues give her an ultimatum. I have never yelled at her and I don't want to do it to try and get a need met. I don't want to do all this because it is clear that she wants to talk to him in the middle of the night and say I love you to him. If my partner was next to me I wouldn't be able to say Love you to a female friend I would feel like that is wrong. It has been many months where I have not been happy. I don't know whether to wait it out work on myslef and see if I can make myself be happy but all I do know is that the feeling I use to have about the relationship has faded and it is because I can see that my needs wont be and aren’t being met. That almost none of my relationship standards are being met and its hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I am going to be ending a relationship/ hurting someone because of that.

When I was in the FOF group, yes I know its a fake 4th way group but in the meetings I felt that there were some genuine esotericaly advanced people, good hearted people. I met up with two group members at a coffee shop in NYC and they wanted to know about my life and what was happening. I told them I just joined the school and recently got into my first relationship. Right away they both perked up and said well I think you are here to learn about yourself. I dont know if its true who knows but I have learned about myself in a big way over the past year. I am not as "Good" as I thought or imagined myself to be. I too have STS tendencies and in order to evolve do I need to remove these, accept them or what?
 
[quote author=menna]
It is true that we lie to ourselves. But in the end I guess I am not that good of a person because my relationship/love has certain needs that aren’t being met and to be happy in a relationship I need something I can't just continually give and give and give because I guess resentment builds in me. I thought resentment was a negative emotion and those where not true to the self if thats so I would love to find a way to cope or get rid of this I don’t like this about myself. It is hard for me to end a relationship with someone because my own needs aren’t being met to emotionally hurt someone because I am not getting something. That is very STS and I hate it and would like to avoid it at all costs. I told her that her guy friend calling late at night was inappropriate and she said he is my friend he is going to call when he wants I am not going to tell him he can't call me. I have communicated with her I don't know what to do raise my voice and threaten her that I am leaving if this continues give her an ultimatum. I have never yelled at her and I don't want to do it to try and get a need met. I don't want to do all this because it is clear that she wants to talk to him in the middle of the night and say I love you to him. If my partner was next to me I wouldn't be able to say Love you to a female friend I would feel like that is wrong. It has been many months where I have not been happy. I don't know whether to wait it out work on myslef and see if I can make myself be happy but all I do know is that the feeling I use to have about the relationship has faded and it is because I can see that my needs wont be and aren’t being met.[/quote]

I feel bad for you in a way, but in another way, I wait in the wings to share some triumph when it all comes together for you (assuming it does). :)

The standards you apply to girlfriend really apply only to you as far as you know because YOU accepted them somewhere down the line. Explicitly or implicitly, you bought into them and brought them into you as rules that "should" be followed (though "should" is a Latin derivative that probably really means: "will/shall, I promise you", and is inappropriate to apply to others).

So, these "rules" arose in YOUR life context and you mistakenly think they apply, or "should" apply to girlfriend.

Imagine that on some level there is no separation between you and her. What you feel about what she is doing is really what YOU feel about YOUR personal standards that apply in YOUR context. She came from a different context and you are evaluating the two of you together on the assumption that you are seeing only one context (you and her), when in fact, you are seeing two, OSIT.
 
Menna, we are all STS. We all lie to ourselves all the time. We are mechanical -- machines. The only thing you can do is to Work on yourself with the help and feedback of a network such as this. Eventually you will become less mechanical and therefore be able to make more conscious choices between STS and STO.

Your girlfriend is a machine just like you. The less aware we are, the more we are used as tools of the Matrix to drain each other. It's hard to say if your girlfriend is just pushing your buttons -- even unconsciously -- with this friend of hers, Anthony, to make you jealous, or what's going on. But relationships we go into where one or both partners are very unaware of the workings of their machine will inevitable lead to feeding dynamics and being hurt. As anart would say, it can't be any other way.

There is also the possibility that there's really nothing there to be upset about as far as your girlfriend's relationship with Anthony. It's hard for me to see if you are blowing things out of proportion or there's something "off" there. Probably need more information, but only if you feel like giving more. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with asking about and getting relationship advise per se on this forum, as long as it's in the context of doing the Work on yourself / lessons to learn for future relationships.

Maybe someone else will give you more helpful feedback based on seeing something that I'm unable to see from the information you've given.
 
It is important to be respectful of each other's sensitivities, as well as each other's stages of growth and the baggage they carry into a relationship. However, sometimes a conflict arises between being respectful and being disrespected. Not knowing enough about the relationship between your girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend, it is hard to know if lines have been crossed or if you are perceiving things disproportionately. I still love my ex-wife, the mother of my children, but it is not the same love that I have for my current partner, who is secure enough in our relationship that if she were to hear me tell my ex-wife that I loved her, she would know the difference and not feel threatened.


Is it possible your girlfriend loves her ex in a similar way and it is your insecurities that are getting in the way? She is, after all, with you and not him.

As well, I think it's fair to point out that your neediness should be a matter of your attention. Ultimately, you should be able to fulfill your own needs and not require another to satisfy them. If you and your partner were able to achieve this, then the relationship would be an honest expression of love, unfettered by the projections and insecurities that seem to play a strong role in your relationship.

Having said that, it is even more difficult to achieve this goal of self fulfillment and satisfaction while in a relationship since each will be constantly drawn into the various dances that express these unresolved issues. It's not impossible, but it honestly requires both parties to be on the same page with respect to the goals and respectful of each other's individual paths and approaches.

As was said earlier, it is more than appropriate to bring up relationship issues if they are part of one's Work and don't amount to questions about how to get the other partner to meet one's expectations in the absence of the Work.

Gonzo
 
While I agree with the gist of what you've written Gonzo, I just wanted to make a couple of points.

Menna's girlfriends' ex is not the same as her friend, Anthony (at least that's what I'm gathering from this thread and another thread where this friend was mentioned calling Menna by his girlfriend's ex's name). So, it seems the issue is not with her ex, but this friend, Anthony.

The other thing I wanted to elaborate on is that in a collinear relationship, each partner would be in sync with the other and WOULD be totally -- consciously -- dedicated to meeting each others needs -- emotional and all other needs. At least that's my current understanding.
 
Buddy- I think it all just came together for me

She broke up with me on Christmas

Wish I knew how to do EE
 
Menna said:
She broke up with me on Christmas

Wish I knew how to do EE
Click to expand...

Are you OK? If you need to vent or otherwise talk out your feelings, you know we're here, because like Escher's stairs, whether you're going up or going down depends so much on perspective.
 
Buddy said:
Menna said:
She broke up with me on Christmas

Wish I knew how to do EE
Click to expand...

Are you OK? If you need to vent or otherwise talk out your feelings, you know we're here
Click to expand...
I agree, we're here to talk/listen if and when you need it.. Unfortunately this will be of little consolation right now but it may have been for the best as it seemed from what you said that both of you were not really seeing each other as you both are. Give it some time and the link to the ee video as Endymion posted is also available when you need it.
 
Hi Menna,
I imagine this is causing you both pain, conflict and confusion and I empathize deeply with you. Even if your logical mind was seeing the breakup as inevitable, perhaps even in your best interest, your emotions may be going through hell.

If it is any consolation, this is the best time for self observation. You can't buy opportunities like this to make the connections between your current feelings and the source pains for which this episode in your life is merely mimicking.

If you need help processing or understanding the deeper levels of what you are experiencing, or if you need support we are here for you.

Know that you are loved, valued and are safe here. I pray you come through this wiser and on the path to knowing and loving yourself, and consequently others, more than ever.

Giver yourself a hug.

With love,
Gonzo
 
It was for the best. I wanted to not be in the relationship anymore...

But couldn't bring myself to end it.

So she did

I dont plan on talking to or seeing her again unless it is by chance...Lessons learned

First love...Tough yes but I wasn't happy

I feel those feelings creeping in but I tell myself it wasn't going to work
 
Well, perhaps instead of telling yourself it wasn't going to work and supress the feelings, you could allow them to occur and observe yourself: scan your body from top to bottom and make note of the physical attributes of the feelings, try to remember an earlier time in your life when you had the same or similar feelings, and then try to go even further back.

The urge to not feel uncomfortable feelings or emotions we feel are inappropriate can be overwhelming as it has become a solid pattern in us for the better part of our lives. Overcoming this urge takes significant conscious effort.

Gonzo
 
Menna said:
It was for the best. I wanted to not be in the relationship anymore...

But couldn't bring myself to end it.

So she did

I dont plan on talking to or seeing her again unless it is by chance...Lessons learned

First love...Tough yes but I wasn't happy

I feel those feelings creeping in but I tell myself it wasn't going to work
Click to expand...

Menna, I'm sorry that you are having to go through this, but, as truth seeker has said, it seems that neither of you were seeing each other as you really were.

I'd like to make a suggestion for your next relationships and I hope that you keep it in mind when those feel-good chemicals are flowing.

If you meet someone and think that she is THE right one for you, except that you want her to change this and change that, that should tell you immediately that she is not the right one for you. If you cannot take her as she is, with all of what you would call flaws and want to change her to meet your model of how she should be, she is not the one for you. All you will do is end up hurting her and you in the long run.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Trending content

Back
Top Bottom