Must not be doing it right

[Menna]

What’s right for them in a sense of whatever they choose is right for them (free will). Well in that sense then yea I agree with you.

"I'll add that unless and until you begin to understand what drew you to her, you will continue to repeat the past lessons"

What drew me to her was that she was friends with one of my best friends this friend also reccomended that I go out with her. So I felt comfortable talking to and asking her out. Us having a common friend drew me to her because it gave me confidence to ask her out. She said yes and every time after that said yes. I never dated a girl for more than 6 weeks so the fact that after this mark I was still dating her I became happy and wishful thinking played a big roll throughout our relationship. next time I will definitely take more of a step back and look at things objectively. I also had sacred cows that went out the window during this relationship. I also compromised with myself during the relationship saying things like "Well I am not perfect so if she does such and such thats ok" This is a mistake I need to be true to myself more.

Also accepting people as they are and seeing if two people can fit together doing exactly what they want to do. I am seeing that this is the right way and best way to be in a relationship with someone. Then when problems arise work with eachother and if its meant to be its meant to be. At this point I look at our relationship as a gift and would like to take all the lessons from it. I am thinking back over the relationship and remember what happened and how I should of or might have handles things differently.

 

[truth seeker]

What drew me to her was that she was friends with one of my best friends this friend also reccomended that I go out with her. So I felt comfortable talking to and asking her out. Us having a common friend drew me to her because it gave me confidence to ask her out. She said yes and every time after that said yes. I never dated a girl for more than 6 weeks so the fact that after this mark I was still dating her I became happy and wishful thinking played a big roll throughout our relationship. next time I will definitely take more of a step back and look at things objectively. I also had sacred cows that went out the window during this relationship. I also compromised with myself during the relationship saying things like "Well I am not perfect so if she does such and such thats ok" This is a mistake I need to be true to myself more.

In general, that's not a bad place to start but as with everything, the specifics of the situation apply. If it's something relatively inconsequential, it may be able to be worked out (eg. person doesn't like to wash dishes, etc.). In that example, it may be something that can be compromised with as you said in your post. I 'think' if one or both persons involved feel as if they are giving away parts of their soul, a deeper problem needs to be addressed. It really depends.

Also accepting people as they are and seeing if two people can fit together doing exactly what they want to do. I am seeing that this is the right way and best way to be in a relationship with someone. Then when problems arise work with eachother and if its meant to be its meant to be. At this point I look at our relationship as a gift and would like to take all the lessons from it. I am thinking back over the relationship and remember what happened and how I should of or might have handles things differently.

Sounds good. :)

Another place to look, if you're interested, is at all of your past relationships (how and why they began and ended). As also stated earlier in the thread. What will really help lead you to the root of it is looking into your own past as you were growing up. How did your parents treat you? How did you feel about your parents, etc. What made you feel as if you 'needed' to be in a relationship? Would you have been interested in this person if your friends didn't recommend her, etc.

Glad to hear you're starting ee. It can help you with dealing with unconscious emotional states.

 

[Gonzo]

Hi Menna,

I think what you have described as the reason you were drawn to her is merely the surface. What you have described, as important as it is to study, is the conditions by which you met and felt motivated. However, beneath that layer are deeper reasons of attraction to the relationship. What was it about her personality, her mannerisms, her attitudes, how she handled you, etc., that created a sustained interest.

While many of us fall into relationships through one fortuitous opportunity or another, there are deeper reasons why we find ourselves attracted to another and why we willfully blind ourselves to aspects of them that we would normally avoid.

Some clues lay in the similarity between aspects of the person of our affections and attributes of our childhood environment, be they from parents or other care givers, or other people in positions of authority.

You're off to a great start. Keeping chipping away at it.

Gonzo

 

[Menna]

She is the same hight as my mother and has the same hair color and style.

She used sarcasm for humor as do I.

She was forward she would lean on me or hold my hand/be the first to grab it/showed she liked me and confident. Attractive body and face

 

[Buddy]

What drew me to her was that she was friends with one of my best friends this friend also reccomended that I go out with her. So I felt comfortable talking to and asking her out. Us having a common friend drew me to her because it gave me confidence to ask her out.

In the spirit of taking lessons from our relationships, what do you think of the possibility that some sort of emotional dependency was coded into your relationship from the very start of it? Seeing a possibility of a relationship with her on one level could also have been a "shifting the burden" for your happiness pattern from your friend to this "new" friend on another level. That might explain how easy it was to later justify 'blaming' her, so to speak, for doing that which might otherwise not ordinarily carry a burden of other-imposed guilt. It was sort of "her" job to please you even if it meant sacrificing a part of herself to do so.

Again, this is not unusual at all. It's all more or less covered in the basic psychology recommended reading material. I've certainly bore quite the realization of my own dependencies due to an incomplete separation and individuation stage of development - at least as I reckon it, though that may have nothing to do with you.

This is a mistake I need to be true to myself more.

Yes, to thine own self be true, but who is this 'self' to be true to?

I am thinking back over the relationship and remember what happened and how I should of or might have handles things differently.

I do that a lot too. I think it would be a good advice to add: pay attention to what your emotional layer seems to be doing in your memories and in the moment as you recapitulate. The thinking center can come up with all kinds of reasons for all kinds of things in order to explain the presence of a simple emotional re-cognition or surge or natural "wax and wane" effect in response to people.

To me, it's like that song by Haddaway: "What is Love?" Only four major chords in a minor key, on the synth layer, serve to express a powerful emotional longing for the answer to the question. It also powers all that surface "dancing", as I see it.

 

[Iron]

I'll try and clarify and expound a bit on Iron's statement regarding rescuing (correct me if I'm off in my interpretation of what you said, Iron). The way I understand it is that you were attempting to rescue her from what you felt were her problems - what she was doing 'wrong'.

The savior program (which many of us have), can be an attempt to feed that part of us that wants to feel good. To me, it's a projection of the wounded child who was often made to feel bad/wrong when growing up. Essentially, it's a way we use to try and right the wrongs of the past. Quite often with this program, we end up vacillating between viewing ourselves as 'bad' (the way we were made to feel via our parents) and viewing others as 'bad' or their actions as 'wrong'. It can become a bit of a narcissistic fixation when we constantly look for faults within others in order to unconsciously make us feel better about ourselves. Hopefully that's clear.

That is exactly what I meant, I wast more taxative because I could be wrong in my assessment. I suggested that because I saw some of the things I used to say, and sometimes do say, in the things you wrote about her. In other words I kinda saw myself in your shoes.
Is very easy to be taken by the desire to "help" especially when someone you care about is doing something that you see as detrimental. You may be right in your assessment, but this does not mean that the other person should agree with you, without discovering first if she agrees with your path or wants another path for her.
Of course, all these things require practice... and are easier said than done, but are certainly possible to accomplish. To support without suffocating another.
Good thing you are doing EE!

 

[Menna]

Iron - WHat did you do/What happened for you to be able to see yourself in my shoes and at the same time be able to stand in another pair? Was it a different perspective or realization?

I am begining to see that "right" and "wrong" is often subjective and one thing might be "right" or "wrong" to one person but another might have a different view.

On a side note She called me from a blocked number yesterday. Left a voicemail that said "Hey I just realized that you blocked me I tried to call you before but couldnt get through because you blocked me call me back if you want you have my number." I texted her... "You broke up with me on Christmas I need space. I wish you the best in the new year." I feel that is a nice clear way to end it so that at least from my side of the coin I can take the experience and lessons learned (Still trying to come up with more) and move on.

 

[Iron]

Iron - WHat did you do/What happened for you to be able to see yourself in my shoes and at the same time be able to stand in another pair? Was it a different perspective or realization?

I often found myself having the same thoughts "This person does Y, their life would be so better if they did Z... if only I could make them see what I see..." These kind of thoughts.

I am begining to see that "right" and "wrong" is often subjective and one thing might be "right" or "wrong" to one person but another might have a different view.

On a side note She called me from a blocked number yesterday. Left a voicemail that said "Hey I just realized that you blocked me I tried to call you before but couldnt get through because you blocked me call me back if you want you have my number." I texted her... "You broke up with me on Christmas I need space. I wish you the best in the new year." I feel that is a nice clear way to end it so that at least from my side of the coin I can take the experience and lessons learned (Still trying to come up with more) and move on.

There is right, there is wrong, and there is the specific context that tells which is which. The law of three.
http://glossary.cassiopaea.com/glossary.php?id=436&lsel=

I think you handled well her call.

 

[Mrs. Peel]

On a side note She called me from a blocked number yesterday. Left a voicemail that said "Hey I just realized that you blocked me I tried to call you before but couldnt get through because you blocked me call me back if you want you have my number." I texted her... "You broke up with me on Christmas I need space. I wish you the best in the new year." I feel that is a nice clear way to end it so that at least from my side of the coin I can take the experience and lessons learned (Still trying to come up with more) and move on.

Yeah, well don't be surprised if you hear from her again. If noticing that you blocked her call did't stop her from calling you from a different number, then your text message probably won't either. I'm guessing she'll be missing her food source, or at least want to have the "last word."

 

[Menna]

I figured that much. I still miss my food/contact with her sometimes as well. I think about her during the day. But I know to stay away as I have seen enough to know I would not want to be in a relationship or marry her. Any suggestion on how to get her off my mind?

She also texted me back

"I am aware. Just thought we'd be able to be civil. Let me know when/if that time comes. I wish you the best as well."

Who is not being civil? did I miss something?

 

[Gonzo]

My guess is she is referring to having her number blocked as a personal jab, the way some people feel slighted when they get blocked from someone else's Facebook page.

Gonzo

 

[Buddy]

I agree with Gonzo. Might be "bait". You see how it's working on you right now? I say let it go.

 

[Menna]

I agree, try and make me feel bad for not wanting to keep on communicating with her.

If I was to break up with someone and they stopped communicating with me I would feel bad and be apologetic...I guess that's another way that we differ.

 

[1984]

If I was to break up with someone and they stopped communicating with me I would feel bad and be apologetic...I guess that's another way that we differ.

Can you clarify what you mean that you would 'feel bad and be apologetic'? Are you expecting her to apologize to you for breaking up?

 

[Mrs. Peel]

I figured that much. I still miss my food/contact with her sometimes as well. I think about her during the day. But I know to stay away as I have seen enough to know I would not want to be in a relationship or marry her. Any suggestion on how to get her off my mind?

Well, it always helped me after breaking up with someone, to really cut off all contact with them. At least at first till you heal up a bit. All this "lets be friends" doesn't work if one person is still carrying a torch. Stay away from places that you went together, or doing things that just the two of you did. Don't go anywhere that you know she will be. In other words, immerse yourself totally in something else, take up a new hobby, hang out with different people, anything to get your mind elsewhere. That's the key, keeping your mind on something else.