Thanks, everyone for this long discussion and different outputs. It was kind of an emotional roller coaster, and Laura's point of view definitely changed the course of it all.
That's an important point I think. I had a similar reaction when watching videos and reading articles on the topic (including Tomassi). There's a kind of weird attraction, it quickly become so compelling, but not in a good way, more like an addiction, you can almost feel yourself getting 'hooked' if you pay attention. That kind of experience is very useful to remember and use to alert yourself any time you feel something similar again.
This roller coaster was exactly between revulsion and attraction. It's like, ew, did I miss something about masculinity that was as big as the nose in the middle of the face? Then I thought, I'm reading Peterson's 12 rules right now, which is a fantastic book I can recommend to anyone but more specifically younger males in search of meaning, what else is there to know apart from what Peterson promotes in terms of attitude to become a better person?
I even went through all my online photos to analyze my attitude and see what transpired from the Alpha:Beta frame. Which was funny in itself, but it kind of brought unnecessary questions to the table.
I do not like crass vocabulary either, and as Adaryn, it reminded me of the French Alain Soral, which also has some sort of psychological problem in relation to power and women.
I guess it's part of their marketing strategies or just inherent to them.
It is really funny though, as seduction was one of my main interest when I was 16/17 years old. I realized the power of the Internet through it! My curiosity was deeply picked, I was learning how to be attractive, what women liked and the profound gap I had to pass to become a man who can approach a woman confidently. I was that virgin, playing video games and watching porn. This community is far from recent, I spent a lot of time digging through the forums and PUA strategies, reading testimonies, learning the vocabulary (and what a rich and objectifying vocabulary!), the attitude, what to do and how to act to become attractive. I lived THROUGH some of the most influential ones of the time, in France, it was a small niche.
I saw that becoming a business, with bootcamps and relookings, when in the beginning, it was just forums where men shared their tactics and the needed attitude. I learned a lot.
Meanwhile, I was confronted with my own lack of confidence to act as such. I was fascinated by those guys and discovered 'the Principle of Lucifer' by Howard Bloom through it, an eye-opener on the inherent violence in Nature. I was really harsh on myself at that time, circling a lot through culpability, shame, blame, self-consciousness. Self-importance and internal considering ruling.
Only when I forgot all about it did I begin to become attractive. I then understood the principles work. Something as simple as 'You just have to be radiant to be attractive, and you have to have some goals apart from having sex.' Duh.
I was already at that time thinking something was off. The determination needed to be rejected a hundred times to get a single number, I admired. I wasn't that hungry, or my Perfectionist/Control/shame personality stopped me from beginning anything. On the forums, I saw many getting out of their comfort zone, I saw the bravery in it. Some were pathological, even though I had no vocabulary to describe it, I, for one, did not see women as 'sluts' as Tomassi would say, and never really reconciled the idea of playing with multiple girls at the same time. So much lies, how can you be comfortable with that?
I also saw some testimonies of those guys, who, in the end, realized they just had superficial relationships with no real bondings, just a busy datebook to fulfill, and started to reflect on what they created and the awful loneliness it brought into their lives.
I was young, though I had the capacity to understand that it is just how it is, how it works and that I had to adapt even though I had a long way ahead. What works, works. Get better and the rest will follow. Never did it cross my mind to turn into pure resentment towards women.
How can you come to that conclusion? Some guys seem born with it, probably their relationship with their mother was cold as hell. I watched porn a lot, still never liked humiliation. That's kind of the same thing. The twisted thoughts patterns must already be ingrained earlier and it might be a catalyst for worse after, maybe. I don't know, it troubles me. It seems like they don't see an actual human being but just an object to qualify and play with.
Anyway, it is exactly the same feeling of attraction/revulsion I had when I first encountered this type of material 13 years ago. It is potentially troubling and it's better to just have an aim and stay focused, have a life, smile and keep going.
People who see themselves as victims almost never have any hope of true happiness and fulfillment. It's all about blaming others for one's own failings; it is the "Criminal Mind" in action at a sub-criminal scale.
This is so true. That's a quote I will want to see often.
The fact is that I can 'not worry' about relationships for some time, but as I have discovered, I cannot do it indefinitely. Eventually the idea will come back. If I just push it out of my mind, I'll end having dreams at night about it. I think I can live single indefinitely, but not to worry nor want it indefinitely is a different story. And if I'm honest with myself, I do want, some day, to have a normal, 'good enough', long term relationship. I know some people really don't want it, or really don't mind if they never have it, but I haven't been able to be one of those. I'm just not that strong nor wise, I'm sorry.
