sometimes i enter into a religious-like mood. slow, grave, nicely good. although i know i have so much toxicity, traumatic feelings (both as a victim and a victimizer), fear, distrust etc, somehow i can surrender in an awareness which assures me that if I just want, everthing, just inescapably everthing will be better and better for me and around me, that nothing is incurable. i belive this is something to do with my higherself or a soul family connection. there is truly a religious sense to it. i am still aware of everything negative about me, but there is an intuition of a reality-bridging from a reassuring realm. after some time, i get out of that mood and awareness. and then I feel that I will need to try again and again to reconnect with that pool. something like grooving i think.
What programs have YOU discovered?
- Thread starter TheManyShadesOfJo
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Alma.Innovadora
Dagobah Resident
I see my life as a silver bubble,
There are certain things, for a long time that I have not forgiven myself and I think I must pay for it. Maybe a trauma, only I know that am responsible and although I know now that were part of the promación, I can not make excuses for that.
Know what I have to do, that done to achieve, But I "not have enough the will" to begin, although when I know that I can. I discovered that I have a strong will, but was overshadowed by my feelings repressed in the childhood.
For defending my thought from slavery to the material interests of others and know how to say No. It seems I've disappointed everyone who told me "You are a very polite boy, if you keep going like this, you will go far"
How is it possible to think and be different, among people who did not teach you and they do not know how? (parents)
The fear of rejection, I got over with more humiliation. I told myself before "I'm never going humiliate me JOOO am strong, not a fool!! muajaja" jo! tremendous spanking of the cosmic mother. Boastful before going through the experience.
But the program more difficult to dominate in me, has been the sexual program. I have identified "once is not enough" among others, but otherwise will, I think we need a change in the food, I was a poor rat.
There are certain things, for a long time that I have not forgiven myself and I think I must pay for it. Maybe a trauma, only I know that am responsible and although I know now that were part of the promación, I can not make excuses for that.
Know what I have to do, that done to achieve, But I "not have enough the will" to begin, although when I know that I can. I discovered that I have a strong will, but was overshadowed by my feelings repressed in the childhood.
For defending my thought from slavery to the material interests of others and know how to say No. It seems I've disappointed everyone who told me "You are a very polite boy, if you keep going like this, you will go far"
How is it possible to think and be different, among people who did not teach you and they do not know how? (parents)
The fear of rejection, I got over with more humiliation. I told myself before "I'm never going humiliate me JOOO am strong, not a fool!! muajaja" jo! tremendous spanking of the cosmic mother. Boastful before going through the experience.
But the program more difficult to dominate in me, has been the sexual program. I have identified "once is not enough" among others, but otherwise will, I think we need a change in the food, I was a poor rat.
Alma.Innovadora
Dagobah Resident
Argonaut said:
TRUE!
Some people are intimidated by my way to talk, say they feel scolded. You know, seeing the errors in others. But up until now people have been told with humor "seems to scold us, but what you say is true" and they named me "philosopher," which has all the answers" or "why not you writes a book" in turn, wants to start the superiority program in me, when I never wanted to be better than anyone, and it is very little that I know. But the program of them, is equivalent to give divine properties to something that does not have it.
For example, feel attracted to someone smarter than us, and when that person knows who is admired, known that have control. And those who admire it, give your brain, your thinking, and take as truth everything that person says. Yeah, was part of me too.
There are times when we are a polarity and then another. Forget what you do not want be. Something that I forgot for believe be superior, is recognize my mistakes and apologize for them. That great relief is be free of rancor, you can return to lift the face and see the person to the face. With a new face and not a mask, precisely.
I have long ceased to lie to myself, and therefore I can not accept or support the lies of others. It is difficult to be part of a "white lie" when you know that really is not good for oneself, even for that person.
Although it depends to the shell of ego of the person, ¿what is "evil act" against him? because that sometimes the base moral and the opinion personal according to the vision to the person, is like "Papas do not know what their children do outside the home." Two faces to himself. If a part, justifies or cheats to the other part of you, both are happy, and not are regrets. If others can, I also I have the right.
Sleeping. I don't like and resist sleep, especially when it needed most like being under weather or having low energy. It's a strange self-destructive habit that I haven't been able to tackle yet. Sometimes the reasons for it because there is not much free time left during a day and after work, and 8 hours of sleep look like such a waste. But sometimes the reason for it is an underlying fear. My mind tried to rationalize it, give it explanations that are valid "right now", while perhaps the true reason can be probably found in the past.
Oxajil said:
Nope. There are some childhood events that could explain the fear of falling asleep, or being suddenly awaken, to be exact, but after thinking on it, it is possible that the main reason is a refusal to do something that will be really beneficial for self. It's been such a reccuring pattern, I decided to just share and put it out there (or out here ;) ) and be done with the silliness. :)
mada85
The Cosmic Force
I don't deserve to exist. I think it's the Pressmans (I don't have the exact quote to hand right now) who mention that victims of narcissistic wounding in childhood do not believe that they have any right to exist. Well, after long self-observation and contemplation, I would have to say that this program is probably the 'master program' that influences my life, my thoughts and reactions/responses to internal and external events, in almost every way possible. Even here on the forum I find myself wondering when I'm going to get banned or told that I'm not doing the Work properly or to the correct degree. My creative work is worthless: if I don't have the right to exist, what right do my creations have to exist? In my interactions with people I get on well with others, I am externally considerate, I try to help others as much as possible, and yet under all this is the nagging feeling that sooner or later I will be found out as being a complete fraud. Why would others be interested in someone who is a compete fraud, nothing but a lie? Jeez!! What a set-up!! Alongside that, and probably as a product of and compensation for the crushing worthlessness that this program gives rise to, is enormous self-importance. Both these programs working together have stopped me from doing many things in life that less damaged people appear to me to have no difficulty with, such as knowing one's vocation and following it.
Seeing it is the first step. When I can see how I sabotage myself and deny myself, then I can start to develop strategies for moving in a different direction. And seeing these programs does give a certain sense of freedom. The first step is to change my thinking. So, whenever I become aware that I am thinking in self-defeating, self-denying ways I change the thought pattern. Sometimes the most I can do is to give the self-defeating thoughts a little nudge in the direction of self-acceptance, at other times I can change the complete thought. Definitely a work in progress.
Seeing it is the first step. When I can see how I sabotage myself and deny myself, then I can start to develop strategies for moving in a different direction. And seeing these programs does give a certain sense of freedom. The first step is to change my thinking. So, whenever I become aware that I am thinking in self-defeating, self-denying ways I change the thought pattern. Sometimes the most I can do is to give the self-defeating thoughts a little nudge in the direction of self-acceptance, at other times I can change the complete thought. Definitely a work in progress.
Risen
Jedi Council Member
Hi Endymoin, I also have this program and I'm sure many others do. One thing that has helped me is to remember how I feel/think about others who are also less than perfect. At times I am very judgmental so when I remember these feelings, I realize I am sort of asking for it and I can have a laugh at myself.Endymion said:
Other times I am very forgiving and accepting of other's faults and when I remember these feelings, I realize I am too hard on myself. You are right in saying that seeing it is the first step and it is good you can be objective about it. I am happy you are being successful at changing your thoughts and the more you do it, the easier it gets. Every time this situation arises you have many choices. It can help if you can visualize the choices as fruit hanging on a tree. See yourself reaching up and choosing the best fruit. In any situation this can be done. Choose the best fruit for yourself and others. After much practice the whole quality of the fruit produced will improve. Someday all the fruit will be good and there will no longer be any bad fruit on the tree.
Tigersoap
The Living Force
There is one I discovered that made me realize how it directed/directs my life in the background : I think I am dumb.
I failed classes in school a few time so I had to retake different school classes for the whole year a few times until I came out of school at 21 instead of 18 and I did not finish any University grades or anything.
I am still feel a prick of shame of this even after all those years.
I sometimes prefer to learn something by myself the hard way without help, I avoid posting on the forum, I avoid reading things I presume I won't understand and the list goes on.
Because of that I inner consider a lot and I try to avoid situations where I will think that I will be taken for an idiot which can't always be avoided in life :)
Another one is : I don't like "rich" people.
A certain type of attitude that will make me think of someone who has "money" and can do anything because he wants to triggers anger in me.
I'll start to be cold to whatever this person says or do.
As for example if someone with an expensive car parks in double line and blocks the way just to go speak to some woman in another car I start to have angry thoughts at this person who thinks he can do anything because he has a "status".
I need to dig deeper to find the roots of these but they really jumped at me when I identified them osit.
I failed classes in school a few time so I had to retake different school classes for the whole year a few times until I came out of school at 21 instead of 18 and I did not finish any University grades or anything.
I am still feel a prick of shame of this even after all those years.
I sometimes prefer to learn something by myself the hard way without help, I avoid posting on the forum, I avoid reading things I presume I won't understand and the list goes on.
Because of that I inner consider a lot and I try to avoid situations where I will think that I will be taken for an idiot which can't always be avoided in life :)
Another one is : I don't like "rich" people.
A certain type of attitude that will make me think of someone who has "money" and can do anything because he wants to triggers anger in me.
I'll start to be cold to whatever this person says or do.
As for example if someone with an expensive car parks in double line and blocks the way just to go speak to some woman in another car I start to have angry thoughts at this person who thinks he can do anything because he has a "status".
I need to dig deeper to find the roots of these but they really jumped at me when I identified them osit.
I have recognized this recurring one:
It did help me in pursuing to discover more of the Cassiopaea material. Once I had discovered it, I immediately believed what was being said. It's funny that the material taught me to be more critical thinking, to have doubts etc. but still, it seems, this program is still there and I need to be paying attention to it.
I'm going to buy a book and keep a Life Journal, where I'm going to write down what I've experienced, and learned so far. I think it'll help me a lot, since I can forget some things, or have them floating somewhere, and not utilize them for growth.
The Narcissistic Family said:
It did help me in pursuing to discover more of the Cassiopaea material. Once I had discovered it, I immediately believed what was being said. It's funny that the material taught me to be more critical thinking, to have doubts etc. but still, it seems, this program is still there and I need to be paying attention to it.
I'm going to buy a book and keep a Life Journal, where I'm going to write down what I've experienced, and learned so far. I think it'll help me a lot, since I can forget some things, or have them floating somewhere, and not utilize them for growth.
Paragon
Jedi Council Member
The not good enough to assume more responsibility in work programme fueled by self doubt and a fear of not wanting to 'boss' other people about thus lacking conviction in communication.
I do worry about being externally inconsiderate and in the context of the WORK , assuming more responsibility is VERY intresting for me personally because I feel it unleashes a lot of my inner predator and fake "I's" and about a million other issues. I also have the most massive fear of being a vector when dealing with other people, being played like a viola, since I need to be able to explain a certain idea to someone and then if they disagree , I sometimes fall into the trap of being on the defensive. I need to remember myself and to observe my reaction as objectively as possible so that I may deal with the situation as best as I can. One example would be to tailor my response to that individual in a way that they understand what I'm talking about and we are on the same page , so that we can work as a team! :)
I had an appraisal with my manager recently, and she mentioned that as one moves up the corporate ladder and assumes more and more responsibility, you need more and more feedback as a result. It reminded me of the mirroring that occurs here in the forum and I was in total agreement. Infact a lot of the things we talked about reminded me of things here , like how you deal with people and other intresting tidbits. She seems to be colinear with the WORK and not knowing about it lol :P
Anyway its safe to say I get on with my manager, which not a lot of people can say these days unfortunately! :(
EDIT - Spelling
I do worry about being externally inconsiderate and in the context of the WORK , assuming more responsibility is VERY intresting for me personally because I feel it unleashes a lot of my inner predator and fake "I's" and about a million other issues. I also have the most massive fear of being a vector when dealing with other people, being played like a viola, since I need to be able to explain a certain idea to someone and then if they disagree , I sometimes fall into the trap of being on the defensive. I need to remember myself and to observe my reaction as objectively as possible so that I may deal with the situation as best as I can. One example would be to tailor my response to that individual in a way that they understand what I'm talking about and we are on the same page , so that we can work as a team! :)
I had an appraisal with my manager recently, and she mentioned that as one moves up the corporate ladder and assumes more and more responsibility, you need more and more feedback as a result. It reminded me of the mirroring that occurs here in the forum and I was in total agreement. Infact a lot of the things we talked about reminded me of things here , like how you deal with people and other intresting tidbits. She seems to be colinear with the WORK and not knowing about it lol :P
Anyway its safe to say I get on with my manager, which not a lot of people can say these days unfortunately! :(
EDIT - Spelling
agni
Dagobah Resident
1) Addiction to own pain, suffering and misery. Makes own nothingness feel like it's alive, gives fake sense of being. Love being a martyr.
2) Stubbornness. Will step on the same rakes multiple times (usually until rakes break). Then I get it. In life, will do what I know is bad, until it hurts and I am ready to collapse.
3) Chronic complainer. Making up problems.
4) Chronic procrastinator.
5) Seeing a peck in somebody eye, but not noticing a tree branch in own.
6) Sleepless. Letting predator party, till it drops, in cost of own rest.
7) Chronic exaggerator.
2) Stubbornness. Will step on the same rakes multiple times (usually until rakes break). Then I get it. In life, will do what I know is bad, until it hurts and I am ready to collapse.
3) Chronic complainer. Making up problems.
4) Chronic procrastinator.
5) Seeing a peck in somebody eye, but not noticing a tree branch in own.
6) Sleepless. Letting predator party, till it drops, in cost of own rest.
7) Chronic exaggerator.
GqSoul
Jedi
It's just a program. I have noticed at times a reaction that seems to both acknowledge, yet subtly minimize the presence/operation of any particular program. I'll need to learn more before I can decide how to progress, but I feel like there's a danger of just observing patterns in myself without moving towards changing them; maybe I should say rather that I'm anxious about not having a clear idea of how to successfully change.
Risen
Jedi Council Member
I am sure you will get some better responses but from what I understand, we are not supposed to try to change the programs. Just noticing and being aware of them is enough at first and with growth and knowledge they will began to stop being programs in time, or so I understand. Hang in there! I'm certian more detailed responses are forthcoming. :)
