Thanks to a recent visit to my daughter's pediatrician, I was reminded that I have a combination of several already-mentioned programs running when it comes to being challenged by authority figures -- in this case, those in the medical field.
The background is that I started saying no to vaccinations for my daughter about two years ago, when I realized how bad they really are. When I first did this, the pediatrician questioned my judgment (quite legitimately, from his point-of-view) and asked me the reasons that I had made this decision. I gathered the information that I had and presented it to him next time I saw him. He listened courteously, agreed to look some of it over, and we basically agreed to disagree. Although I was relieved to have that conversation over with, the real problem began with subsequent visits when the issue just seemed to keep coming up. On one occasion, a nurse who didn't know my views walked in with a vaccine tray and told me she was going to catch my daughter up on her missing vaccinations, to which I replied, "no you're not" and immediately became defensive. On another occasion, my daughter's pediatrician was out sick and we had to see his colleague instead. She looked up my daughter's history, told me I needed to catch up on her vaccinations, and when I declined she asked why and if it was because of beliefs that I held. I told her that after doing a lot of research, I had realized that vaccinations were more harmful than helpful, and that it was a matter of empirical fact -- she cut me off very abruptly and said, "no, it isn't fact, it's your BELIEF."
I took my daughter in again at the end of last week because of a lingering sinus infection that she had. At check-in, the other doctor happened to be behind the counter, and when she recognized me she gave me a rather nasty look. While waiting for the doctor, a nurse came in with a long waiver regarding vaccinations, and told me that she needed me to read it and sign it in front of her, because they were going to be audited in the spring and couldn't be responsible for withholding vaccinations from any of their patients. I can understand that, from their perspective, but their was a line on the waiver that read, "I know that by denying my child vaccinations, that it endangers not only their life but the lives of other children with whom they come into contact." I took strong exception to this particular line, and wrote "I do not believe this is true" next to it before signing the form. The funny thing was, nobody actually stayed to watch me sign it, and when I handed it to the doctor at the end of the visit, he chuckled and said they didn't need it for an audit, they just didn't want anyone to sue them.
However, my experiences at the beginning of the visit made me very defensive, to the point that I had a hard time concentrating on the main purpose of the visit (the sinus infection) because I kept thinking about the waiver that was sitting next to me and wondering what was going to come next -- I forgot to ask a couple of basic questions that I had in mind when we first walked in the door that I had to call back and ask about later. I realized that this experience actually triggers a big program in me -- it's a combination of self-doubt, needing to be right (and not being able to allow others to disagree), and general anger and defensiveness which causes me to judge others before they can judge me -- I tend to see the person with the opposite viewpoint as a villain, instead of someone who is merely a victim of programming by Big Pharma who otherwise probably has good intentions. My internal reaction is one of basically fight-or-flight, including all of the adrenaline, and it's frustrating because it keeps me from thinking clearly and being able to remember all of what I've learned that led me to the conclusions to which I eventually came. I think there is some version of a hero program mixed in too, because I want to be able to express myself well enough to make the doctor (or nurse, or whoever) think twice about this issue and see past their own programming, which in the end is probably unrealistic.
The only thing that I know to do (besides pipe-breathe if I can remember), and which I did my best to practice this last time around, is self-observation to try to get outside of my own mind and see this program running. It's extremely difficult to do in the midst of all of the brain chemicals that get released, but I think that I'm making painfully slow but real progress. As much as I don't want to repeat the experience again, I think that it's something that will only improve with practice. One of the things that's in the forefront of my mind is setting an example for my daughter, and I want to be able to show her that she doesn't need to be afraid to stand up for herself or disagree with a doctor, just because they are a doctor.
