What a great idea to translate before reading mine, Mechanic! This way you delivered the text completely open minded.
I'll try to get my hands on some of those old heavy Dutch dictionaries to look up some more words. I think my dad has one, and hem being a school teacher I'll also ask him to translate the prayer, just to see what he comes up with.
Excellent. Can't wait to read his version and refine the prayer some more. Of course, input from others would be much appreciated.
About your suggestions:
I do believe that 'in' is better than 'van' because the original English 'in' is much closer in meaning.
I totally agree with that one. Much better.
With 'De schepping' I felt a little too much biblical associations coming up (although I wasn't raised that way).
Also, next to feminin and masculin words, the dutch uses 'neutral' (onzijdig) nouns, just as in German. 'De schepping', though feminin, sounds sort of masculin. 'Al het geschapene' is neutral. That's too why I still prefer the last one.
I used 'geest' in stead of 'verstand' as you did in line four. I think it's closer to the original meaning, but I could be way off. What do you think? And what would be the difference in the meaning of the word 'mind' in line one and four?
Good one. I thought of a difference between mind in the 'human sense' and mind in the 'higher sense'. But I agree with you, 'Geest' is better here and more consistent.
I choose to translate 'As' into 'Gelijk' in stead of your 'Zoals' (line eight), but the meaning is, as far as i know, almost the same. One could use 'evenals', 'net zoals' or 'evenzo' as well. 'Gelijk' just sounded better to me, but that could be just my Christian upbringing speaking from the past.
'Gelijk', used in that way, sounds rather archaic in Dutch. As far as I know, it is mainly used in a 'funny' manner. So for the readability I prefer 'Zoals', just like the German version.
I translated 'Help me grow in knowledge' as 'Help mij groeien in Kennis', where you translated it as 'Help mij kennis te vergaren'. Don't really know which would be best. My translation feels a bit awkward, but it is correct spelling and grammar, and I think close to the original. 'Kennis vergaren' would translate back as 'gather knowledge' I think. Any thoughts on this anyone?
Input from others would indeed be very welcome here. But I must confess I never heard of 'groeien in kennis' :)
What I also noticed is that you translated 'clear' differently three times, as 'schoon', 'zuiver' en 'reinig' (line 11, 13 and 15). I chose to use 'zuiver' in all cases because I feel 'reinig' is more something you would do to the kitchen sink, and 'schoon' isn't much used as a verb, much more as a noun. I also think 'zuiver' comes closest to the original meaning, but that could be my subjective opinion also. When you would translate 'zuiver' back to English it would be closer to 'pure' than clear, though google translate does suggest 'clear'. When translating 'reinig' and 'schoon' to English google suggests 'clean', which is close but different.
Jeremy F Kreuz also suggested 'Zuiver'. I think my interpretation was more subjective than yours, by searching a bit 'forced' for suitable translations. Thus 3x 'zuiver is the better one.
Another difference between your translation and mine is that I used 'mag' as a translaten of 'may', where you used 'kan' (line 16 and 17). I think 'mag' is closer, but still a bit off.
Agreed, 'mag' is literally closer, but I chose deliberately for the stronger 'kan'. This one stays open, I reckon.
I also used 'Opdat' in stead of 'Zodat', but those are very close. Still thinking about that one.
See 'Zoals' above. 'Opdat' is (somewhat) archaic in Dutch, so I would prefer to keep 'Zodat' for concistency - and readability.
Last one: I used 'waarachtig bestaan' where you used 'het ware bestaan'. I think both are good.
Difficult one. As you said, both are fine translations. I guess we'll have to wait and see what others think.
Please feel free to comment. I hope we can get to a final Dutch translation of the prayer.
I think we are slowly moving into the right direction :)
Oh Goddelijke Kosmische Geest
Heilig Bewustzijn in al het Geschapene
Gedragen in het Hart
Heerser van de Geest
Redder van de Ziel
Leef vandaag in mij
Wees mijn Dagelijks Brood
Zoals ik anderen Brood geef
Help mij Kennis te vergaren
Van Al het Geschapene
Zuiver mijn Ogen
Zodat ik kan Zien
Zuiver mijn Oren
Zodat ik kan Horen
Zuiver mijn Hart
Zodat ik de Heiligheid van het Ware Bestaan
Kan weten en liefhebben
Goddelijke Kosmische Geest
Yeah!!!
